45. A new form of pain

~Some explicit wording~

I was suddenly startled awake as there was a pounding on the door. I leaned into Pat's chest, bundled his shirt up in my fist, and wept. He stroked my back tenderly. "Shhh, doll," he whispered. "It's open," he hollered. My back was turned to the room, so I couldn't tell who was here exactly, but I could pinpoint their voices.

"Sorry. Guess we should have announced our arrival. Your truck is over here now. We'll have to get you crutches in the morning. I couldn't find them; they weren't in your shed. The sibs apparently hid her's. I explained what you told me on the way up, but we need more answers," Josh stated as he came into the room.

"Is that blood on your shirt, 'Nettie? On the floor? Let me see," Jess ordered.

"It's not her's. Now calm down or you'll freak her out more," Pat said in a reassuring tone. "Will you bring in her wheelchair?" The door clicked shut. Pat continued to stroke my back. "Doll, I'm here," he whispered.

"Thank you for not saying 'you're okay'. I'm so not," I sobbed. 

"I know. Jess, Noah, Tyler, and Josh are all here. You're safe though," he murmured. I looked up at him and he kissed my forehead again. "Do you want to sit up?" I nodded. He sat up but kept me in his arms. "Do you want me to tell them or do you want to?" I shook my head. I didn't leave his chest. The door opened again and closed softly. My body began to shake again as Pat took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He reached over to the edge of the couch and sat back up again. I heard a soft clap as Pat wrapped his arms around me again. I worked hard on trying to calm down and keep my sobs to a minimum, but I was fighting a whole new battle. "Thank you for letting us have this adventurous date. It was mostly perfect. We had fun. We enjoyed each other's company. We came out here. She agreed to the picnic on the water over a movie. It took a little coaxing but she did great and loved it. After lunch, she took a pain pill and we took a nap in the hammock. We were attacked by three men. We found out they were fugitives. They took a liking to her," Pat explained briefly. I sobbed in his arms again. He lowered his head onto mine.

"You don't mean?" Noah began. Pat nodded against me. "Oh, 'Nettie!" Noah cried.

"They knocked me unconscious after I did it to one of them. One of them tried to help her and was knocked out by the third guy. 'Nettie took a rock to his head," Pat's voice cracked and he held me tighter as another sob escaped my mouth. "She's been asking for a shower. I offered to help her. Neither of us can really stand, but she also refused to leave my side." 

"Once she calms down, I'll help her," Jess offered. Pat nodded. "These are great pictures, 'Nettie," she told me. I chuckled and sobbed at the same time. 

"I saw a video earlier. Did you convince my sister to dance?" Noah asked. He had a hint of amusement in voice.

"I love that you guys are tying to get me to smile," I looked up at Pat. He looked so sad and defeated. I released his shirt, making sure his chest was still covered. "But what video?" He gave me small smile and moved one hand to cover mine while the other continued to rub my back.

"It's news to me too, doll," he spoke softly. I turned and faced the room. Everyone seemed ashen. I pointlessly tried to wipe my eyes as I looked at my brother. He gave me a small smile as more tears fell out my eyes. 

"Explain," I demanded.

"Great Falls 7pm news channel had a small segment. I caught a preview while we had to stop so Jess could relieve herself; those pregnancy bladders are exceptionally smallq. It never crossed my mind that it could be you until I saw want you both are wearing," he explained with a smile.

"I have it," Tyler stated from the dining room table. I jumped and looked in that direction; I didn't hear him move around the couch, nor did I notice he wasn't in the living room. "Come see, sister dear," he ordered as he pulled it up on the computer. Noah stood up, walked over to our couch, and offered me his hand.

"Would you like to see it?" He asked. I looked at Pat, reached for his hand, and held it tightly.

"I'll go with you, doll. Well, I'll follow you in the wheelchair, but I'll be by your side," he promised as he squeezed my hand. "Please let your brother help you." I nodded and released Pat's hand as I grabbed Noah's. Noah pulled me to my feet, cradled me in his arms, and carried me over to the table where the computer was set up. He set me in one of the chairs before sitting beside me and holding me. Pat was in my wheelchair and wheeled next to me. Pat held my hand as Tyler pushed play and centered the computer in front of us, then moved behind us. Josh and Jess joined him.

"In other news, our local dam. What's the purpose? Before we tell you about that segment, we were fortunate enough to get this rare and beautiful scene. There's a reason this our hometown is called the Electric City. This young couple definitely electrified the people around them and us at the studio. We hope they give you the same encouragement. They showed us no matter where you are, it's always the appropriate time for love," one newscaster stated.

"You are correct, Becky. I would also add if given the choice, dance. Just look at this folks. Our cameraman was focusing on the dam behind them but was captivated by what this couple was doing so he zoomed out," the male anchorman remarked. I gasped as I watched the scene get wider and sure enough, there we were. The cameraman zoomed in a little bit, but you couldn't see our faces.

"And we're so thankful he did, Tim. Watch and I'll give you a little narrative not that you need it, but this is too wonderful to not talk about it. They start off with just them, long extensions and swoops. Beautiful movement. Now they have a small crowd watching, and they don't even seem to notice as they twirl, bend, and move around. He dips her and she leans into him and seems to faint because he picks her up and she stops moving all together. That's the end of the beautiful movement. To top it off, look! She's in a wheelchair, folks! He stays by her side until she starts moving again. One thing's for sure, he's swept her off her feet. Very sweet moment. Beautiful backdrop. Simply delightful. Truth be told, it's exactly the type of love I hope to share," Becky exclaimed. "When they first showed us this, my heart soared. I want to personally thank both of you for keeping the spark of our town burning bright," Becky stated as she picked up her papers and taped them on her desk. "Now about the dam," she was saying. Tyler reached between Noah and myself, stopping the replay as he grinned down at me. I flinched away slightly as I looked over my left shoulder at him. 

"I'm working on saving it right now," he promised as he squeezed my bicep sympathetically and gently. "Because clearly that is the part of the day you need to remember."

"That was me? It was fun to do and interesting to watch. How does it already feel like a lifetime ago," I wept. Pat stroked my hand and I looked over at him. 

"Told you, doll. You'd be a great dancer," he murmured.

"That was all you. I felt like I was stretching, the movements fluid and natural. You guided me the whole time. I just trusted you. I didn't faint like she said," I replied as I looked down at my dress and scowled. 

"Don't do that, doll. I don't care what they said. She's right though. That was a truly beautiful scene and dancing is always an option. I love having you in my arms and if you're up for it, dancing is something I can do for a lifetime with you," Pat murmured. I nodded slightly but didn't look up. "Now, what's with the scowl?"

"I want it off," I exclaimed irritably as I picked at my dress. "I felt beautiful then. I don't now." I looked up at Pat. He wiped the tears from my eyes and nodded.

"You're right. You're hideous," he teased. "Blotchy red eyes, puffy cheeks, and a dirt covered face with lots of tear streaks. You look grungy, but I'm still drawn to you. You're still beautiful to me. If you rather me call you disgusting and what-not, I will," he whispered. He looked down at my clothes and smirked, moving his hand to my shoulder as he picked up the hem of his shirt before tracing down my arm. "I love your outfit." I grinned. He returned the smile and rested his hand on my mine. "You're beautiful, 'Nettie," he whispered.

"I love you, Pat. Thank you. This will be the last time you will see me in this particular outfit or this color," I warned with a small chuckle. Pat grinned.

"I'll go pick something else out for you to wear!" Jess exclaimed as she moved to leave. 

"NO!" I shouted, glaring at her and clenching my fist. Jess froze in her spot, her eyes got bigger. I bit my lip and looked down, resting my chin on my chest, and sobbed. I felt like throwing things across the room, kicking, screaming, or punching something. I didn't move and started to shake in anger. Pat squeezed my hand and I looked at him. "I don't want pretty. I don't want cute. I'm sorry. I don't know how to deal with this. The pain. The shame. The guilt. It's all too much. I want to hide. I want to runaway. I don't want to enhance anything. I don't want to show off my curves, legs, or anything. I don't want to sit here in front of everyone breaking down, but here we are." I looked up at Noah. "If he was successful, Lionel would've broken me. I don't know how I can move past this," I wept and lowered my head into my chest again. Noah wrapped his arms around me and let me cry. Pat continued to hold my hand. I looked up at him again. "Especially if I didn't have you there to help piece me together afterwards I honestly don't know if it's better." Pat leaned forward and rested one hand on my cheek as he squeezed my hand.

"I promise, doll, I'll be here for you always. Good or bad, I want to face everything with you. You aren't alone," he whispered. I blinked back tears unsuccessfully. Pat offered me a small smile as he wiped my tears. "Would you like me to seal it?" I nodded. He leaned over and kissed my temple. I leaned into him and he rubbed the back of my head.

"If it makes you feel any better," Josh piped up, "I'm jealous of your date." I sat up, looked over at him, and glared. Pat dropped his right hand over our intertwined hands.

"You're jealous of Pat? Why? Because now he has to figure out a way to piece me back together? I could never ask that of him. Never. How about because I'm going to end up ruining us? Because-" I spat angrily as tears fell. Pat placed his right hand over my lips, stopping anything else I might say. I looked over at him and wept silently in guilt. "I'm sorry," I mumbled around his hand.

"Please stop beating yourself up, 'Nettie. This wasn't your fault. I told you, doll. I'll fight for you. You're my girl and I'm not letting you go. This doesn't change my perspective on you at all. You didn't ask me to help hold you together. You told me last night that you need me. That I hold you together so you can be the glue for everyone else. You don't need to be strong anymore. You have me for that," he insisted. His eyes were full of tears too. I nodded and he lowered his hand again. "I'm here, doll. We'll get through this together. I'll always be here for you."

"You have all of us, 'Nettie," Noah remarked in my ear before kissing my shoulder. Josh cleared his throat. I glared at him again.

"Even me. I'm the outsider, remember," he teased. I smirked and looked down. "Not a smile but I'll take it. Pat, you did good. You two have a connection that can't be matched. You got a genuine smile out of her just moments ago. Annette, I know about what happened after you were taken away. I understand why you didn't want to tell me what happened. No more trying to code your words when I'm in the room," he ordered as he looked at Tyler and nodded. I looked over my shoulder and caught Tyler returning the gesture. I looked back at Josh as he continued, "no, I'm not jealous of Pat. I was legitimately jealous of the date. I am always going to be jealous of the connection you two have because it's so intense and I can only hope I'll be that lucky someday. As for the date itself, I'm jealous of how intimate that was without it actually being intimate. There wasn't one kiss, yet even through the screen, the passion between you could be felt by all. It's intense, heartwarming, and encouraging. I've never had a date like that. Trust me, I've been on a lot of dates." I looked over at Jess. She smiled softly at me.

"I think everyone is jealous of that fact. You two have a remarkable relationship. Would you like to go shower, 'Nettie? We'll burn those clothes. You'll never have to see them again," she promised. I looked back at Pat. He gave me a reassuring smile as he rubbed my cheek tednerly.

"I have more shirts you can put on. You can even wear a sheet with holes cut in it, wrapped up with some twine if you prefer. Although it wouldn't be very comfortable, I'll even find you a burlap sack if you wanted you wear that. Whatever you're comfortable with, doll. Wear a shower curtain for all I care. I wont, think any less of you," he stated. I smiled and blushed softly. Jess started to protest. Pat glared at her. "I'm glad you have a great sense of style but she doesn't need that right now. Just let her be Annette -comfortable in her own skin- not some dolled up version. You heard her, she wants to hide and she has every right. No offense, Jess, but everything you picked out fits her perfectly and it's tight on her."

"I get that she's ashamed but she's still beautiful! I just want to show her that. She needs to get the power back. All I'm-"

"Stop! Please. Stop," I begged interrupting Jess from saying more. She nodded and leaned back against the counter. "Please don't fight. I'd much rather wear Pat's clothes then something pretty or fancy that you would pick out. I don't mean you offense. I just can't wear pretty or cute right now," I sobbed. Noah released me and I leaned into Pat. Pat sighed as he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me into the wheelchair with him. I leaned into his neck and put my elbow by his side as my hand clamped down onto the back of his shoulder. "I'm sorry," I wept softly. "I don't know how you would want to love me?" He rubbed my back and kissed my temple.

"I told you, doll, it's because you still hold my heart. I want to spend every second with you, Annette. Good or bad, it doesn't matter because I'll always be here for you. I love holding you. I love you. I promised you a while back that I would help you get through every twist, turn, and bump. Now this is definitely an unexpected detour, but I'm not leaving," he promised and kissed my forehead again. "Now let's get you out of these wretched clothes, doll." I nodded as I took a deep breath.

"You told me you didn't want to take my clothes off today," I retorted with a small chuckle around my sobs. He laughed. 

"Which is why Jess is going to help you shower. Would you like me to show you around first?" He asked kindly. I nodded again, untangled my arm, and sat up. He pulled me back into his chest. "Where do you think you're going, doll? I found a way to carry you after all," he teased. I smirked and kissed his cheek.

"Have I told you how much I love you? You are so good to me. I don't deserve you," I whispered into his ear as I settled back into his chest, wrapping my arm around his neck.

"You have it wrong, doll. You're too good for me. I doubt that any man would ever be good enough for you. I'll try and meet the bar though," he replied as he rested his head on mine. "So this cabin belongs to Linda's family. Josh and I would come out here often when we were younger," Pat explained.

"Linda invited Joanna every year. One year, Pat was allowed to take a friend. Guess who the handsome, lucky devil was?" Josh smirked. The room was filled with soft chuckles. "Linda takes 6-10 weeks out of the year and sets them aside for personal use. Since Pat and I are like family to her and closer to her than her own son or her husband's daughter from a previous marriage, she always gives us three weeks of those weeks, and since Joanna always asked for the same time off, that's what we get: the week before, the week after, and the week of Labor day. Linda's sisters didn't want the hassle of dealing with the cabin so after the first year, they opted out and Linda continued to run with it. Her granddaughter, Jordan, moved to New York. Jordan often took advantage of the other times Linda had set aside for family. She loves it out here as much as we do and helped with the interior design. Linda would spend a week out here if her family would join her, but they don't; unfortunately, very few members of her family that wants to hang out up here. Linda enjoys seeing people who loved coming out here and getting an update on how it's looking and what-not. She needs a trusted voice. A biased opinion. One that knows the ins and outs of the place. People who would know if something wasn't right. So she told us our families are welcome to use this cabin anytime for free during that time. The rest of the year, she rents it out. This is the only cabin on the lake, so as you can imagine, it gets rented out quickly. I think she does a special, rent five nights get the sixth free or something like that, and it all has to be done online. She comes out here when she can to help the housekeeper and see what repairs need to happen. A church group rents out their canoes. Those are across the lake, but in the shed is two that belong to the cabin." I nodded. I sighed as I looked at Pat's jaw. This really was perfect and he didn't spend too much money on me. I leaned in and kissed his neck then snuggled back down on his shoulder. He smiled at me as he wiped the tears from my left eye and pulled me tighter to him as Josh continued. "So last week, while you slept in his lap, Pat and I discussed bringing you out here. It just so happened that the people who were staying last week wanted to extend their stay and Linda granted them a few extra days after talking it over with us. Linda pays the housekeeper to not just clean, but also stockpile the food. I brought Tyler and Jess up here yesterday and we ran into the housekeeper just getting ready to start tidying up. Since we were here and had some things to do to prepare for your visit, we helped her set up all the rooms and Jess loaded up the closets. When Pat called me, I picked them all up and headed out here. We were hoping you would agree to go camping. You two would have been here two nights by yourself and we would have joined you Friday night. All that alone time, I'm sure it would have gone different but I'd be shocked if you two didn't do the de-"

"JOSH!" Pat and I warned at the same time. My fist was clenched and I sat forward ready to slap him. "How dare you," I spat. He looked at me in shock. "You think that just because two people are alone they're going to end up in bed without clothes?" I gasped and looked at Pat, lowering my voice and searching his eyes for any deceit. "That wasn't you plan was it?" He shook his head and glared at Josh.

"No. Doll, I wasn't planning on bringing you up here so I could have sex with you. I respect you too much. This isn't a conversation I wanted to have either. I swear to you, I will never touch you unless you want me to and I will never force myself upon you. Sex is something I may consider with you someday, but it's nowhere in the near future," Pat promised. I nodded and looked back at Josh, getting ready to lash out on him again.

"Sorry. You're right. Pat is always cautious and never rushes into anything. You mean everything to him and he would hate to push you away because he moved too quickly. It's what I would do, not Pat. I'm sorry. Totally my bad, Net. I just have a very graphic mind and forget others don't feel the same way. Forgive me?" Josh begged. I nodded and leaned into Pat.

"Technically, I would have joined you tomorrow for breakfast, just to catch up and deliver these. Well probably closer to lunch because I don't like waking up early," Tyler chuckled as he held up our cell phones. He set them on the table and pulled out my prescription bottle. "As soon as Josh called, Noah and Jess packed a bag and came up too," Tyler explained. 

"So that means you might be late for work tomorrow!" I gasped as I sat up and looked at Noah. He leaned over and kissed my head. "You can't. You. You-"

"Shh! You're more important, 'Nettie," he interrupted.

"Don't fret about him," Jess stated. I looked over to her and blinked back some tears. "If we have to leave at 5:30 to get him to work in time, we will. He can sleep in the car. Right now, we're all concerned about you." I continued to silently weep into Pat's neck. He rubbed my back.

"Okay, doll. So now that Josh gave you the history lesson, it's time for the tour," he stated. I sat up and looked at him.

"This way, folks. Let's give them a minute and I'll show you where you can sleep," Josh stated, leading my family out of the room. 

"Thanks, Josh," Pat murmured as he dried my eyes. "I know you don't feel this way right now, but you're beautiful. Truly beautiful, Sarah," he whispered. I chuckled. He grinned. "Atta girl. So obviously this is the dining room and kitchen. That loops back around to the living room and the stairs. Up those stairs are four bedrooms and another bathroom. There's only one bedroom on this level. It's your's if you want it," he explained as he began to roll away down the hallway that was beyond the kitchen. I looked at him in shock.

"Don't you mean our's? You can't expect me to sleep alone," I exclaimed as I started to panic. "I need you! You help keep me-" He looked at me, smiled, and put a finger over my lips.

"Our's. I'd be happy to sleep next to you," he confirmed. "Calm down, doll." Pat stopped the chair and wrapped both arms around my waist. I leaned into him and tried to take calming breaths, but all that happened was my chest bounced repeatedly; it burned and left me with a jolting pain that zipped through my veins. Pat rubbed my left hip and thigh as he exaggerated his breathing. I closed my eyes and pressed my lips against his neck. I took another deep breath and opened my eyes as I sat up and looked at him. He smiled warmly at me. "Thank you for calming down. You did great and I'm proud of you," he praised. I smiled and looked down. He finally stopped rubbing my thigh and lifted my chin so I could meet his eyes. "Did you know what first drew me to you, doll?" 

"The desire in you to protect and help people? I'm sure I had a neon sign above my head that said that," I ventured. He chuckled and put his right hand back on my left hip. I lowered my head onto his shoulder.

"No, doll. I didn't see that sign. I knew you had secrets but you didn't seem to interested in spilling. So much confidence hid your sign well," he murmured as he stroked my jaw. I sat up and looked at him. He rubbed his thumb under my eyes. "The mystery locked behind these sapphire gems and the determination I saw in them is what drew me in. I wanted to know your story. I wanted to know what the determination was for: success, hiding, or misdirection. Turns out, it was none of those but all of them at the same time. You were just determined to prove yourself capable of doing anything, not having to rely on anyone. Shy and withdrawn, you still pulled me in, like a magnet. From the first day you worked, I was drawn to you. I tried so hard to stay away, order from another server, and not talk to you. I failed. Miserably. I needed to hear your voice and see your smile. I found myself telling you things I wasn't able to tell others. Words just spilled out. It was like I couldn't help myself. I tried to figure you out. You are not an open book," he chuckled. "But I love what I've read thus far. I hope you continue to let me read your pages." I blushed and looked down. "Sarah," he breathed. I looked up again. "Thank you. I love looking in your eyes," he whispered and stroked my cheek. "When I told you about the mines and it ruining my body-"

"I showed you a muscle building technique," I responded quietly. His eyes danced as he held up his left hand and wiggled all five fingers.

"More than that. That was the first time you touched me on purpose. You bumped me accidentally a few times before that, but that was the first time you reached over and touched me. You stroked my fingers and pushed them apart so I was doing the technique correctly. I kid you not, you give me a static shock me like when you touch metal. Not once did you look at me with pity, doll. Or sorrow or shame. I can move my hand again. I can grab things. I have feeling in my arm, not a lot, but I can feel a few things; it's more than I thought possible. The little brushes you give me, the soft lingering touches, they all send jolts of fire through my veins. It's an electric current I've never felt before and one I hope to continue to feel. It baffled me how you knew what to do. Now I know why you knew how to do that. I know it frustrates you to no end to not be able to stretch and flex your own muscles. The day I asked you to go camping, I was hopeful I could finally talk to you. Just you, no distractions," he explained as he dried my eyes again.

"So you did want to talk about feelings and sing kum-by-ah," I teased. He kissed my cheek. 

"I honestly just wanted to get to know you better and keep you safe; I knew you were in danger that day and that I had to protect you. Singing was not in my plans that night. My head has never been turned so hard by anyone. I think you gave me whiplash. I've been seeing stars ever since," he teased. I giggled and rubbed his neck.

"You have had so many opportunities to ask me out. Why did you wait so long?" I asked. 

"What else did I tell you about my girl and how she makes me feel?" Pat asked as he rubbed my back and kissed my cheek. I bit my lip.

"Umm," I reflected back as I closed my eyes. Pat grabbed my hand from behind his neck and began kissing each finger softly. "Stop. You're making it hard to breathe and think," I whispered.

"Exactly," he replied and sat back. "You did that to me every time you looked at me or bumped me playfully, I stuttered, stumbled, or froze. I found myself weak and desperate to be around you. You had so much power and I didn't know it was possible. I couldn't stay away; I wanted to, but I couldn't. I watched you from a distance and was amazed by you. You seemed to dance and move to your own beat. You were safe in your own world, but I had to protect you. I realized that a bit too late. By time I had caught onto that, you were well into the danger pit and fading fast. Before you, I always felt broken and a failure and everyone looked at me like that. Once I realized you were gone, I wept. Hard. That was the moment I knew that you took my heart. No that was the moment I realized I was at the point of no return. The moment I realized and finally admitted to myself that you had my heart is when I held you earlier that day. Once you were in my arms, I kissed your head. I couldn't help myself. Then you wrapped your arms around me. My first thought was 'my girl' even though you weren't. I knew then I would always see you like that even if you never chose me," he murmured. Two tears dropped on his cheek. He cupped my jaw and stroked my cheek. "It killed me to see you in the hospital. You weren't getting enough oxygen. They had you on a transfusion machine with several wires coming of your arms and legs. They also had you hooked up to an oxygen tank. You didn't move. Your breaths were so shallow. You were painted in so many colors. They had straps across your body so you wouldn't hurt yourself. They were afraid of you thrashing about, but you were so still. They were afraid of you being comatosed indefinitely, but hoping for the best. I begged for you to open your eyes or squeeze my hand. I got nothing and my voice grew louder, and I panicked. Josh pulled me from the room before I caused a scene. Joe and Linda stayed behind as Josh and I went out for a drink. I almost lost you. Three times now, doll: the kidnapping, the visit with my mom, and now this. I know that this is nowhere close to the others, but it's another time when something was ripped away from you without permission. Every time you kept asking me to hold onto you afterwards. Somehow, that gives you strength and lets you feel safe; that's exactly what I want to do for you, doll. I don't want to be anywhere beside right here next to you. You are my whole world now. I'm not going to lose you; I'm never going to stop fighting for you. You are definitely the best thing that has ever happened to me and so I'm going to do everything in my power to try and protect and love the most beautiful soul I had ever met. You ran away with my heart, doll. You wrapped me around your fingers and I would do anything you wanted me to. You give me the best reasons to press on, smile, laugh, and joke around. You make me feel brand new. You make me happy."

"How can I do all that? I'm nobody. I'm just me," I sobbed. He pulled me into his chest.

"Doll, how can you not see it yet? You are so amazing. Do you need another chat with Renae?" He asked. I took a deep breath, released it into his neck, and shook my head. He inhaled sharply and let out a soft sigh. I leaned back in shock. Pat studied my expression and chuckled, "so selfless, doll. I'm fine. You have the power to play with my emotions. That's all." He rubbed my back again and took a calming breath. "Okay, so on with the rest of the tour," he murmured as he started wheeling us down the hallway again, opened a door but kept wheeling past it. "There's a bathroom in there, but you don't need to use it. There's one connected to the bedroom too. That's your's," he insisted. He opened the door at the end of the hallway and I peered in excitedly. From what I could see, it was pretty plain. "I can't take you through that door, doll," he whispered. I looked back at him confused. He rubbed my left calf. I looked down at it and blushed. Sitting sideways in his lap would make it difficult to enter the doorway without me getting hurt. 

"Okay. Sorry. I'm using you as a brace," I stated as I put my leg on the ground and put my right hand on his shoulder. He shook his head with a grin, lifted his leg onto the footrest -effectively making it so that mine was no longer touching the ground- pushed my right leg towards my other leg. I rested my left leg on his shin and crossed my right ankle over my left. I shifted my hips and bit my lip in pain as I adjusted into a more comfortable position. Pat wrapped his arms around my waist and helped me. I looked back at him and gestured to our feet. "Is this comfortable for you?"

"I'm fine, doll. Thanks for asking. So, like I said behind this door is your-our room." He turned the wheelchair around and wheeled us in backwards. "Bed. Dresser. I have a feeling you're going to like what's behind this door. Closet. Like Josh said, it's preloaded courtesy of Jess. And yes you have to go through the closet to get to the bathroom," Pat opened the door and wheeled us through backwards. I gasped as I saw the size of the closet.

"When I said I liked walkin closets I wasn't talking about a second bedroom!" I exclaimed. Pat chuckled and wheeled us into the bathroom. "Seriously?!" I gasped. "This is beautiful. Much too extravagant to use. How is this in a cabin?" I inquired.

"Linda's sisters have extravagant taste and helped her design the whole cabin initially. Jordan takes after her mom and needs the best of the best, cost is hardly on her mind. The bedding and fancy dishes kept getting stolen, so she agreed with Linda to do high end rooms with basic essentials for living. We aren't using the bedding that is provided even if it gets cleaned frequently; Josh and Jess made the beds with our own sheets, pillows, and blankets. Can you manage from here? I'll send Jess in," he promised in a concerned tone. "I'm happy you're not convulsing anymore." I nodded and moved to stand up. Pat's hands guided me to a standing position. I refused to look in the mirror as I stood up, so I looked at my feet. I held onto the wall as he moved to the vanity and pulled out a hand towel, a bag, and some duct tape. He pointed to the chair in the shower. I nodded and started to hop over. He quickly was back by my side. "Sorry, doll. I can't let you hurt yourself and I'd rather not let you hop when you can be in my arms instead," he remarked me as he pulled me back into his lap and pushed us into the shower.

"Joining me?" I smirked sarcastically as he helped me stand. He blushed for a change, shook his head, and set me on the chair in the shower.

"Maybe one day," he promised, "but not today. I told you, doll, I won't go down that path right now." I kissed his cheek.

"I know. Thank you. You're a true gentleman," I praised. He smiled, looked down, and quickly covered my cast so it was protected from the water as I took the hair tie out of my hair. "Besides, I'm broken again. And you promised that we would never do that because the feeling couldn't be matched." 

"I know, doll. I wouldn't want to do it after how the day ended for you. We're not at that point yet and I'm not rushing you into anything. We can be broken together so that we can become whole with each other," he replied as his gaze fell upon my hand twirling the hair-tye in my hand nervously. He reached over and took it from my hand. Gently he stroked my fingers before bringing them to his mouth and kissing each finger. "I won't be far if you need me, doll. I love you, Sarah," he murmured. 

"Love you too, Benji," I whispered. He leaned forward and kissed my cheek. I embraced him again. "Thank you."

"Any time, doll," he whispered. He pulled back slowly, put the tape away, and wheeled out of the room, closing the door behind him. I looked around and sighed. This open, rock-faced shower had no curtain or door. The bathroom had no windows, but I still felt because this was such an extravagant room that I was being spied upon. After inspecting the walls carefully and confirming I wouldn't be watched somehow because there was no hidden cameras or peepholes, I took off my sling and noticed a bruise in the middle of my arm so I had to look at the rest of my body. Slowly I took off my clothes and threw them in a pile in the middle of the room as I inspected my body. My breasts had individual finger bruises and a few hickies. Once again, I sobbed when I noticed red on my white underwear before I threw it into the pile as well. I took a deep breath and continued with my self examination. My thighs had a bruise in the shape of a line like I had been hit with something. I looked at my hand and noticed the shoe impression for the first time. I screamed in despair as I pounded the wall with the side of my fist and threw up again. There was no more chunks. I sighed. At least cleanup would be easy. Slowly I stood up and turned the water up as hot as it would go. It scalded my skin but I didn't care. I gargled some of the water before spitting it out. I let out another wretched cry and let the hot water run down my back. 

"Annette! Are you okay?" Jess yelled on the other side of the bathroom door.

"No. Now leave me alone," I replied crossly as my body shook with sobs. I found the coarsest loofa and began furiously scrubbing my body anywhere he touched until it was raw; a few placed bled from my excessiveness. I felt disgusted, permanently drenched in his foul odor. In frustration I picked up the chair I hadn't sat down in again and threw it across the room. I instantly felt guilty as it broke the mirror above the large jet tub. I turned my back to it and sobbed into the corner of the shower as the hot water ran down my back. I let the end of my hair get wet as I lifted my head back and screamed again. I didn't even hear somebody enter the room and jumped when my water was turned off. A towel was placed around my shoulders and held in place on my sides. "I'm sorry. I hate this. I don't know how to get past the pain. I'll replace the mirror. I want to stay in the water," I wept.

"You have every right to be upset. I don't mind if you wanted to stay in the water, but I'm calling it quits for you. You shouldn't be burning yourself," Jess uttered as she glanced at my bright pink skin. "Based on every time I've seen this, you are handling it remarkably well. Remember, I've seen this multiple times. Again you are doing great, Annette," she praised. I shook my head and sobbed. A knock interrupted me from speaking. "What's up?" Jess hollered.

"Pat is concerned. Truthfully, 'Nettie, we all are. Your screams are heart wrenching and we can all hear them shake the corners of the house. Jess, is she covered?" Noah asked from the other side of the door. Jess rubbed my right shoulder as she pushed my hair over my left shoulder. I wrapped the towel around my chest and secured it in place under my arms.

"She is," Jess replied. I heard the door creak open. He inhaled sharply but didn't say anything else. I closed my eyes and rested my forehead against the rock faced wall. "Noah, darling, before you leave I'm going to need some wrapping bandages. Please take those clothes and burn them." I sobbed again. Jess rubbed my back. "I'm proud of you, 'Nettie. You're so strong. You're doing great."

"I'm proud of you too, 'Nettie. Here's the wheelchair and a change of clothes. Jess is right. You are strong and amazing. I've always thought so, kid," Noah murmured. 

"Why won't you guys just admit I'm weak? Why does everything always have to be 'you're so strong 'Nettie. You're okay. We'll get through this?' How does that help me in my healing process?" I yelled as I balled up my fist again and pounded on the wall beside my head. Slowly I turned around and looked at my brother. "I'm done being strong. I give up. I'm lost. I'm broken. I can't pick up the pieces. I'm not remarkable. I'm just me," I wept, my body shaking again in anger. Jess stood beside my left side and rubbed my back affectionately.

"Doll?" Pat asked from the door. I looked over at him and scowled. He had changed into a pair of black gym shorts and a tan colored t-shirt. Josh and Tyler were on either side of him. I glowered at the three of them and took a calming breath. 

"Can I just have something to break or a punching bag or something? I need an outlet. I can't run. I can't cook without supervision. I can't sing. I can't sign properly. Any other options don't interest me. All I can do is cry and sleep," I wept. I looked back at Jess. "I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you. You're trying to help. I get that. I'm jus-"

"-don't worry about it," Jess softly interrupted and gave me a warm smile. "I love you, 'Nettie. We all do. If Tyler had a dollar for every time I lost my temper with him, he would be a millionaire. You're hurt. You can't bottle it in." Tyler chuckled softly. Josh had disappeared from sight; I had no idea if he was listening or if he went back to the front room. Pat leaned against the wall with concern on his face.

"She's right, 'Nettie. You're angry and shaking. No more bottling up. Let it out. You've had a terrible month," Noah confirmed. "I know you're strong, but I was wondering what it would take for you to reach your tipping point. You were almost there on the 14th when you realized you might be in love - out of all reasons you could tip, I'm surprised that was one. I'm glad you followed your heart. Pat's really good for you and makes you happy. That's all I ever wanted for you; to have a man that loves you, cherishes you, treats you right, and brings out your best. He supports you through the good and the bad. I'm glad you have each other. Really." Noah looked over at Pat, but Pat was looking at me. I met his eye and gave him a half smile. He tilted his head and looked at me tenderly. "So like I was saying, you've been overdue for a breakdown. If you did breakdown on the 14th, I don't think this one would be as bad. The last time you snapped was when Dad thought it was a good idea to try and brand me after he branded your cat," he reminded me. I looked down and rubbed the moon crescent shaped scar just below my collarbone. I tried not to think of that day too often. "Tell them, 'Nettie. It's not my story to tell. Condensed version will do just fine," Noah whispered. A small sob escaped my lips. Jess supported me more. I leaned away from her so I wouldn't fall on her and hurt her or the baby. I leaned back and supported my weight against the wall before my leg gave out on me again.

"I wish you would stop bringing up that day, but you're right. It was my breaking point; the only one I can recall. I've never been so mad. Dusty howled, I came outside and saw the wire hanger bright red as Dad was advancing towards you. He had you locked you up in his cuffs around one of the railing poles. You had a fat lip and a black eye. Part of me knew it wouldn't just be one time that he did it. I was ticked off and ran over between you and him. He got me instead of you as I pushed him away. He grabbed my neck and inspected his work then became pissed that it wasn't a very good G-bar-B. 'I was just going to give your brother a reminder on who is in charge and who he needs to listen too. Guess you need it too,' he had sneered at me. You yelled 'we're not property, we're children.' I crouched down and ran into him again, pushing him into his barbecue. All the hot coals spread over his back and set the porch on fire; I didn't think that one through thoroughly. He was back on me before I could help you escape. He broke part of my cheek as he hit me so hard I fell over the porch railing, breaking it. That was my first concussion that I remember completely," I mumbled softly as I rubbed the right side of my face. Tears continued to wet my cheeks and my fingers slid right off. Although it healed properly, I could still feel small bone granules floating there. Someone cleared their throat, but I couldn't tell who as I looked back up at my brother. He nodded. 

"There were so many days that I could have lost you, but that day, is easily in the top five, probably even the top three, of the worst days of my life, 'Nettie. All of them involve almost losing you. But that day, the fateful barbeque day, that was the day that I first thought I would never see you again. A eight foot drop, right on your head. I watched it all unfold and turned back toward Dad, waiting for his wrath; it never came back to me. He looked down at you, kicked the axe off the porch, and laughed. I thought it would hit you. Instead, it bounced by your head and ended up on your arm; it never scratched you. Dad wasn't too happy," Noah explained softly. Pat and Tyler gasped from the doorway. I looked at them. Pat was crying silently too; Tyler looked ashen. Both of them met my eye and gave me a look of pity. I hated seeing it, so I looked down again, ignoring it completely. "Oh, 'Nettie! You should be dead. Yet here you stand. I don't know how many times you can defy death. I've witnessed at least a dozen scenarios that should have killed you. I know that if I lost you, I would be broken and lost. I don't think Jess would be able to pull me out," Noah wept. I looked over at Jess. She grabbed my left hand softly and gave me a small smile. 

"It doesn't mean I would just give up on him. I'd try and keep him whole too," she whispered. Then she looked over at Noah and spoke forcefully, "she's not dead. Nor is she anywhere close to that door. She's right here, angry and upset. How did she get over the anger back then? What can we do to help?" I studied her freckled face and smiled, looking down again. People shouldn't be concerned about me right now.

"Stress isn't good for you or the bab-"

"Shut up, 'Nettie," Jess interrupted irritably. I looked at her in shock. "You are not going to go through this alone, nor will you push any of us away, but especially not me. I'm the only one who knows what to do medically for you." I nodded and put my chin to my chest again. "Noah, how did she get over the anger then? Didn't you say it was the only other time she was this upset?"

"I did. Her anger was gone before Dad hit her. He just left her laying on the ground so he could tend to his own wounds. I tried to break the railing, but couldn't. 'Nettie wasn't responding. I had to dislocate my thumb to get out. I ran down the stairs and held onto you, begging you to wake up. When Dad had cooled down, he finally loaded you up in his patrol car and took you to the hospital. I spent three days wondering if I would ever see you again. It was also when Dad decided to stop hitting us if the other was around. Sports became my outlet; work your's. Unfortunately, I spent more time away and I made things worse for you. I'm sorry. You are so strong, Annette. Dad would have broken before he broke you, but that's only because I'm still not sure of the lessons he was trying to teach us. All Dad needed was his own lesson on pain and you knew how to do that. I don't know if you ever stood up to Dad any other time like you did to those men at the complex. I watched you break the hand of a man who has spent years dishing out pain to others, and you laughed at his attempts. You broke Ronnie in less than a week; destroyed everything he built, tore down his walls of confidence, and made him question what he was doing. Five days, three visits. It's gotta be a record, 'Nettie," Noah praised. I nodded but didn't look up.

"Honestly, Net, Lionel wasn't far behind; you almost broke him too," Tyler piped up from the door. I looked up in shock. He smiled warmly at me. "Not too many girls had the gumption of turning down Lionel Richards after a run in with the double team, followed by water torture, and peer pressure. He was fuming that you were a tough nut to crack. Even when he was trying to force his way with you, you continued to fight. I think you would have until you passed out. Based on everything I know about him, he prefers his catch awake. You are a force to be reckoned with." I shook my head and looked down again as hot, angry tears fell down my face.

"He's right, 'Nettie. Time and time again, you've proven to me just how amazing you are. You change people without trying to. I'm glad you don't break down often, but you more than deserve to break down now. You are still much better now then you were that fateful barbecue day. You're standing and awake for starters," Noah continued, his voice cracking. I met his eye again. He was having about a hard of a time holding it together as me.

"I made a promise to myself that day to never get that angry again. I failed. I'm still breaking things," I cried as I gestured towards the empty wall that once held the large mirror. Jess wrapped her arms around me and embraced me. I leaned into her shoulder and wept.

"Not at all, doll. You have a right to be angry right now. Scream. Yell. Cry. If you weren't doing any of those things, we would be a lot more concerned," Pat murmured. I looked over at him and gave him a small smile. "They're right, doll. I've told you the same thing. You are a powerful force. One that can't be tamed or controlled. You have a fire within that burns so bright. You burn and scorn your enemies, but wrap those you care about in a bright and warm light. I've heard on more than one occasion, to even think that you were mad at someone -even if you weren't mad at them- was one of the most painful things anyone could experience; I believe it. I've never experienced it, but I believe it. To those you care about, which is just about everyone, but to those of us you really care about, well you give us more than love and happiness. To be in your presence is to know hope, experience compassion, and find the will to press on. It's time to let us do the same for you." I nodded again as I looked back down at my feet with a blush as I noticed I was still wearing only a towel; I was grateful it wrapped around my body completely and didn't really show any private skin. I seemed to forget a lot of things lately. Apparently I was growing more confident though.

"I don't want to make you guys suffer too. I'll find my way. Just be patient with me and give me space," I cried, pushing myself away from Jess. I met my brother's eye again. "I need an outlet," I whispered. He nodded.

"I'll get you dishes just for breaking for now. Do what you need to do. Jess is right. You can't bottle these emotions in anymore. Get dressed. We can talk later," Noah promised as he picked up my clothes. He tossed the sling back to Jess. "You up for s'mores later?" I shook my head.

"Thanks, but no thanks. I just feel nauseated. I threw up again. I don't think food would be wise," I replied. He nodded and walked out, helping Tyler assist Pat out. Jess walked over to where Noah had left the wheelchair. She pushed it over and gave me hug. "I'm sorry, Jess. Pushing those who love me and support me away is not the right path," I told her. She nodded and helped me sit down in the wheelchair. She looked over my raw body and bandaged me up. I looked up at her as I tried to stem my tears. "Jess, Pat told me that every time I came out of an ugly situation, all I wanted to do was have him hold onto me. I could see a future with him. Now I'm not even sure I'll like sleeping with him if our relationship reaches that point. Most of all, I'm afraid I won't want him if I'm not hurting. I can't be what's best for him," I wept. 

"Stop right there, 'Nettie. Were you hurt this morning?" Jess demanded as she wheeled me to the sink. She handed me a pair of sweatpants in my size, a fresh pair of underwear, and Pat's t-shirt. I shook my head as I stroked his soft cotton shirt. "And did you want to be with him?" I nodded and wiped a tear from my eye. "See you don't need to be broken and hurt to enjoy his company. Like Noah said, Pat is so good for you, Annette. He loves you. With his whole heart. Anyone can see that. He'd do anything for you. Don't throw it away because you're afraid of hurting him. You'd hurt him more. No you would hurt yourself more if you chose to leave. Like you said pushing anyone of us away is not the right path. We all love you, but Pat's love is the strongest. When -and if- the time comes for you two make love, he'll make sure you're taken care of. I can see he's constantly trying to take care of you first. If you don't feel worthy of him, that's the biggest sign of love and devotion. I don't feel that I'm good enough for Noah, yet he still loves me. He still kisses me. He still holds me. I'm the last person who deserves his attention," Jess kindly explained and helped me put the clothes on. 

"Don't," I ordered. She laughed. 

"But I'm glad I have him. I wouldn't give him up for all the money or the biggest shopping trip in the world. You are the only person who might be able to scare me away. Only because he cares about you so much and your opinion is the only one that matters to either of us," she finished, whispering in my ear. I smiled.

"I'm not scaring you away. I like you. My brother likes you too, even more than I do. One more question. Do I need a pad? I'm a little hazy; sex ed briefly ran through that part, and I didn't pay attention like I should have," I mumbled, shifted in my seat, and squeezed my knees together. I looked down at the sweatpants. The were quite comfortable and soft. My left leg had the elastic left on it and rested comfortably on my ankle. The right leg elastic was cut out and the hem rested loosely on my cast. Jess dug in the bottom cupboard and pulled out the shower sling. She rubbed my right shoulder sympathetically as she hooked me in the shower sling. She brushed my hair and began to braid it. 

"No. You should be done. It's normal. I'm sorry you had to have it taken from you like this. I'll wash your other sling later," she mumbled. I looked up at her. She was crying. She wiped her tears as she handed me a toothbrush ready to go. I brushed my teeth as she finished my hair and continued, "so I set up an appointment for the baby. It's next Friday. Would you like to come with me after we drop off your school work and pick up the work for the following week?" I leaned over the sink and spit into it, putting my toothbrush down on the edge.

"Really? I'd love to. Thanks," I replied and stood up. I held onto her as another sob shook my body. "Do you think Tyler could whip up something to help my body stop going through shock. A no more crying pill?" I asked as I stood back and wiped my eyes and laughed.

"No. He hasn't mastered that one yet. Believe me, I asked several times," she giggled and hugged me again. "Come on. You look ready for bed," she stated as she pushed me back into the wheelchair and wheeled me to the bedroom. Pat was laying on the bed, concern etched across his face. I sighed and looked down. 

"Can you push me to the window instead of the bed?" I asked. She paused momentarily but obliged. When she had me settled on the bench of the bay window, she kissed my head. "Good night, Jess." 

"Good night, 'Nettie. We all love you," she repeated as she walked out the door, leaving the wheelchair by the bed. Pat sat up as I looked out the window and noticed the dock floating. I bit my lip and looked back at the door. I opened the window, pushed the screen out, and swung my legs out the window.

"What are you doing, doll?" Pat asked as he positioned himself in the wheelchair and quickly wheeled over to me. I looked over my shoulder at him. "Are you running away from me?" His eyes filled with tears as he rested a hand on my back. I shook my head.

"I'm facing my fears. Maybe throwing a few rocks into the water. Channeling my anger. Finding hope again under the stars. I don't know. Looking for an outlet. I, uh, I broke the mirror in the, in the bathroom. I-I-I," I began, stumbling over my words. Another sob shook my body.

Pat pulled on my arm and I leaned backwards, forgetting my words as my head rested in his hands. He pressed his lips to mine and his nose tickled my chin. He sat back and stroked my cheek. "I can help you find an outlet that won't hurt you," he teased. I looked up at him. "I wanted to give you your space, but you're not alone, doll. I love you and I want to help you through this." Gently he pressed his lips against mine again, just for a second. "How's this for an outlet?" Pat whispered.

"Stop. This upside down crap is making me dizzy. Plus, I got sick in the shower earlier. You sure you want to? I'm certain I'm not sweet anymore," I stated with a scowl. He chuckled and pulled me into his lap. Once again, my legs were draped over the edge of the chair and my arm wrapped around his neck. After I had calmed down and my tears subsided some, I stared into his eyes. "I love you Patrick Benjamin. You have been my rock. I want you to know that I don't only want you to hold me when I'm in pain. You're too good of a friend and a better boyfriend. It's not fair for you to only see me like that." I lowered my gaze and dropped my hand to my lap.

"I don't see you like that, doll. I see the radiant, beautiful, selfless, and generous girl you are. Those cracks in your fortress are telling me that your embers are starting to die down. Let me stoke your fire. Let me help you burn brightly," he pleaded. I nodded and rested my head on his shoulder. "Your lips are still sweet and soft." He licked his lips and grinned. "They taste like cinnamon toothpaste. I would love to kiss you again, doll. May I please?" I sat up and looked at him. 

"Why are you asking?"

"I don't want to upset you. I know this afternoon was upsetting for you and totally unfair. Doll, you also requested that I stop. Overall I don't want to do anything that makes you think I'm treating you like they dif," Pat stated as he rubbed my jaw, his brow furrowed in concern. I leaned into him and kissed him.

"I'm a fool to push anyone away, especially you. He didn't get anywhere close to my lips. Not with his anyways. Kiss me as often as you like," I told him. Pat grinned and pulled me closer and kissed me passionately. I pulled back when I needed air.

"Good. Because those are mine. I'm not very good about sharing," he teased and kissed my cheek softly. I leaned back and sighed. I looked at the bed and back out the window. "Will you watch the stars with me, doll?" I looked back at him and nodded. "Good. We'll try part five of the date over. First things first, we're closing that window," he chuckled. I stood up and shut the window. He steadied my hips as I swayed and leaned back. "Come here, doll," he coaxed. I sat down on his lap and he put his leg up again. I took the memo and placed my legs on top of him again. He stroked my right cheek. "Will you tell me about all your injuries? I want to know how I can care for you. Please, doll?" He asked. I looked up at him as tears threatened to spill again.

"Current? Or past?" I asked wearily. He didn't say anything, just continued to stroke my cheek. "Since you keep rubbing my cheek, I'm assuming you want to know about the past. He broke it. It healed. I've spent most of my life ignoring all the injuries he gave me," I confessed. "Please don't have me go through all that pain again. I was abused. Isn't that enough?" I cried as I bunched my fist around my sweatpants. He nodded and kissed my cheek again.

"Of course, doll. Tell me if you want, but never go through that pain again," he ordered. I leaned into him and wept. He rubbed my arm until I calmed down.

"You know, you're the first person I've admitted that to. Pat, you don't have to guess or read in between the lines; I was abused for most of my life," I whispered. He kissed my forehead.

"It's a hard secret to live with, doll. I'm proud of you for remaining so positive all the time, but part of me really wishes that you shared. Do you still want to go outside?" I nodded. "Okay. Let's go. Grab the blanket off the bed," he ordered as he wheeled me over there. I grabbed the folded up quilt and stuck it on my lap. I leaned back into him and closed my eyes. "Now who would you like to help us out there?"

"Surprise me. Your surprises have been good. How'd I get so lucky?" I asked. He kissed my temple.

"You said yes. I just loved you and all your quirks," he whispered and rested his head on mine. "Looks like your family's on the porch which means we're stuck with Josh," Pat informed me. I nodded and opened my eyes. "Josh, could you help us out please? Annette wants to go down to the beach."

"Sure. I'd be happy to. I can carry her, but I'm not carrying you. You're a fat a*s," he teased. Pat wrapped his arms around me.

"I'm not letting go of her. So make it work," he retorted. Josh snickered and pushed us out the door. 

"Luckily, we smoothed out this path years ago when we raced our canoes down to the water," Josh chuckled. Pat joined in. 

"STOP!" I insisted as I tried to stand up.

"What's going on, doll?" Pat asked as he stroked my hair. I sighed and rolled my eyes.

"Give me that stick," I demanded and pointed. Josh gave me a confused glance but picked the branch up, refusing to let go of it. Pat seemed to be freaking out behind me. I tried to stand up again, determined to get my way. Pat sighed and held onto my waist, guiding me up. "I'm fine," I insisted. Pat refused to let go. I scowled and leaned over so I could pick up a pinecone and grinned. I looked at Josh. "Batter up!" I chuckled as I threw the pinecone at him. He laughed and swung with the branch. The pinecone bounced off two trees. "Forest ball." I grinned and looked at Pat. "You in?" He laughed and released my waist. I gave Pat the blanket, stood up, looked around me for more pinecones, and threw them at Josh. He hit everyone, sending shards of pinecone everywhere. Pat kept one hand on my waist to help steady me. "My turn," I insisted. 

"Just how do you plan on playing, doll? You can't even stand," Pat playfully teased. I stuck my tongue out at him and looked at Josh.

"Trees. Can I have that stick now?" He nodded and handed it over, then bent over and picked up a pinecone. I held up a finger as I looked at the stick in my hand. I used it as a crutch and hopped over to the closest tree. "I'm not playing ball. I told you, I need an outlet. I'm angry. I don't want to hurt anyone. I'd rather play pinata," I told them as I struck the tree with the branch several times in anger and tears fell down my face. All I could hear was the voices in my head: no nightlife, no Pat, no Josh. Just the disappointment, belittlement, and lies that took up a constant residency in my head. "Hate you! Hate you! Hate you! No more monsters! Get out of my head! I can't take it anymore. I am not useless. I am not a punching bag. Fire. Water. Ice. Wind. Being buried to my nose. I'm done. I HATE YOU! HATE! YOU! AGGH," I screamed and broke the branch in several small pieces. It caused me to lose my balance and I stumbled to the ground. I didn't mind, I just cried more. I looked around and found another branch and hobbled over to the water's edge. I sat down, pulled my knees to my chest, and picked up a handful of rocks. I transferred them to my left hand and threw them one by one with all my might into the water. I repeated this process until I couldn't lift my hand any more. I felt some pressure on my back and I squirmed, hitting my right elbow. I refused to look around to see on what. I wailed again as I threw all the rocks in my hand into the water. I watched the ripples until the water went smooth again. I wanted to go out to the center of the black abyss and let it surround me. Exhausted and done crying. I sighed and looked up at the sky. I blinked back the tears and focused on the nightlife around me. It was a perfectly clear night, the stars twinkled bright, and the moon gave off enough light to see my surroundings but it wasn't full, not even half, maybe just under a quarter full. The night air seemed fresh. An owl hooted in the distance. Crickets chirped merrily. Two bats flew above my head and danced out of sight. I smirked; in this moment, life was peaceful and perfect and I could ignore everything, forget everything. There was nobody hurting me. There was no one trying to own me or bring me down. I wasn't being taught a lesson, the world was just quiet and perfect.

"Annette?" A voice asked behind me in a panic, bringing me back to reality. I ignored it. "'Nettie?" The voice was louder and closer. I couldn't place it; I didn't want to. "Sarah!" The voice snapped. I continued to ignore it. "She's not responding to me. She's never mentally checked out for this long before. She said she truly feels broken. This is new territory, guys. I haven't dealt with her like this. Maybe you should try again, Pat. Please," he begged.

"No promises, Noah. After she went diabolical on that tree, she hasn't heard, or at least responded to, a word we've said. I was afraid to touch her. She's fighting a mental battle again. I'm fairly certain she might hurt herself though, if she hasn't already," Pat explained. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just wanted the quietness again. I bounced my head to my chest and looked out over the water again. I lowered my left foot into the water, tried to put my right one down too. The cool water felt refreshing, and alive; I felt like it was calling me. Two hands reached over and turned me sideways. I kept my eyes dead, my head on my chest, and listened to the water lap against the shore.

"I don't know which is harder, keeping her out of the water or him in the damn chair. Both are going to be a major chore," Josh remarked, kneeling next to me. "Pat, right now she's my concern. Help us out and stay put. However, if you say the word, I'll put her back in your arms. I think this might be the best time. She's comatose without actually being asleep."

"Leave her. She's not hurting herself. Just grab her if she starts to roll. If she's clocked out, she'll just relapse again when she comes around. Pat, it's for her own good," Noah ordered.

"I know. Come on, doll. I'm right here. Please, baby," Pat whispered. I let my head fall to my left shoulder as I looked back at the water. Just a touch, and all the noise would all disappear again; I needed it to.

"She's never just gone awol like that before?" Another voice piped up. I thought about it for a minute. Tyler.

"Never. Like I said before, her anger is gone before it can truly rear it's ugly head. Even with Dad and the barbecue, her anger was gone as soon as she rushed him. She came over to me with the axe to break the railing I was pinned to. She's got good aim, but would never intentionally hurt someone. If she would have taken that axe to him that day, we probably er. Um. Ahem. Nevermind. It does no good to think on things past. However, that being said, her anger has always dissipated within minutes. I don't know if this is anger, frustration, or," Noah confirmed as he trailed off. "Come on, 'Nettie. Come back."

"What about devious? I've never seen Annette flat out lie to someone," Josh added beside me.

"She didn't lie. She just redirected," Pat spoke up again. "Here's what we can do, now that I have the stick, here's what I'm going to do." 

"That's 'Nettie. She's always been good at diverting attention," Noah murmured as he moved to my left side, kneeling in the water, and waved his hand in front of my face.

"Do we just let her work her way through this? How can we help her? Josh is right; she's our priority. Pat! No! We got this, just stay sitting. Noah?" Tyler asked. 

"I don't know. This is new. I know her brain has it's own defensive system, but I've never come across anything like this. It's like she's asleep but she's fully awake. Her eyes aren't tracking. It's likes she's on autopilot. Come on, sis!" Noah pleaded. He snapped his fingers in front of me.

"I told you she has some fire," Josh retorted. I focused on the view in front of me. The dock was about five feet away. It was my way to get to the middle of the black glass and quiet. I stood up, swayed, hopped, and began to put my right foot down. "Annette!" Josh yelled.

"Stop her! Tyler, f**k off! Let go of me. D****t! Let me help," Pat cried at the same time. 

"D****t! Now where's she going now? Is she still in a trance? Yo! Annette! F**k! Pat, sit your a*s down. You know damn well we won't let her hurt herself. Annette," Josh yelled. He moved to pick me up and I drove my elbow into him. "AH! Annette! Noah?! What do I do?" He grabbed my hand and held it firmly; I didn't squeeze back or acknowledge in any way that I knew he was there. "No, Pat. She's not going back into your arms right now. Just trust me, okay?" I continued to ignore them as I tried to move forward. "The stick. Get me that damn stick," Josh ordered. Noah picked it up and put it in my hands. He was sticking close by as well. "Noah, are you sure we just can't pick her up?"

"Try." Once again, Josh tried to pick me up. I twisted and turned and tried to jab him again. "Annette, come on. You're going to hurt yourself," Noah rebuked as he wrapped his arms around my waist too. "Josh, don't let go," Noah ordered as he grabbed him. 

"Sorry, Noah. I'll be right here, but I just need a little space," Josh released my hand and stepped back, taking the stick with him as he breathed deeply. I continued to wiggle and flail about until Josh put the stick back in my hand, secured to the ground. Then he put his hand on my back but continued to hold onto the stick too.

"Doll, please stop," Pat begged as I brought the stick to my chest. I felt up and down the coarse bark with both hands as the stick became my right leg. I pressed my right knee against it and kept my eyes emotionless and on the dock. Let them think what they want; I didn't care any more. I planted the stick in front of me and made my way to the dock. Noah didn't remove his hands at all and Josh seemed to stay close too, only his hands floated beside me. Once I was at the dock, I turned around backwards, gave it a little push, dropped my stick, and moved to sit down. Instead, I just ended up collapsing onto my back on the dock in exhaustion. I watched a satellite move across the sky and sighed as I blinked slowly. Noah looked down upon me, blocking the view of the stars. "Noah. Talk to me, man," Pat pleaded.

"Flashlight?" Noah begged. A bright light moved in front of my eyes. I blinked slowly but didn't move. "I don't know, Pat. Now that she's stationary again, you should make your way over here. You are probably the only person that can deal with her. You have ways to reach out to her that I won't attempt. She needs you." No. I needed quiet and everyone to stop hovering. My brother moved out of my line of sight as I rested my hand off the side of the dock, the cool water touching my fingers. I blinked slowly, fighting the battle to stay awake, and looked up at the sky again, the satellite far from sight now. Stars scattered the sky and twinkled brightly. It was beautiful, but not what I wanted. I wanted quiet. I wanted to feel the refreshing, cool water that brought peace. I could find that. I rolled to my side and dipped my fingers in the water, slowly letting my hand sink in and ignoring the pain in my hip that protested. I grinned, tried to roll closer to the abyss, and watched the water ripple. Slowly I lowered my face towards it so I could blow across the surface.

"Annette!" Pat yelled.

"'Nettie!" Noah screamed at the same time as he jumped in the water beside me, rolling me back to my back. He pinned me there, my head resting on a pillow as he gently tapped my cheeks. He put his other hand in the lake and brought the cool water to my face. I took deep breaths and blinked my eyes rapidly. "Come on, 'Nettie. That's right. Come back," Noah pleaded. Still not ready to talk to anyone, I played it off.

"What?" I slurred, pushing him away. I looked back up at the sky and pointed. "Look up."

"WHAT?! You mentally checked out. You went through the motions but you weren't here," Noah chided. I looked to my left and right.

"Where's Pat?" I demanded. "Stargaze. Him. Me. Five."

"Pat. Now," Noah ordered. "She's not in her right mind yet." The dock shifted as Pat grabbed my right hand, pulled it across my body as he wrapped me up in his arms, and sat beside me on the left. Noah moved away, but barely.

"I'm here, doll. What's going on?" Pat pleaded. I sat up. "No, missy. That's not happening. You're swaying," he insisted as he pulled me tighter to his chest. "Tell me, doll," he begged.

"Stars?" I asked and looked up again as I rested my head on his shoulder. Pat sighed. I didn't move.

"Doll," he whispered. I blinked slowly and looked to my right; looking to my left would only grant me with his disappointed look and I couldn't deal with that right now. I let go of his hand so I could reach for the water again. "Doll!" 

"The abyss. The glass. Need," I stated as I leaned to my right. He pulled me back to his chest. 

"Stop it, Annette," he ordered softly. "I've learned a lot about you in the past six hours. You told me you would have still chose the water over that. Some part of your mind must still desire that. I'm not letting you. It's over. You're safe. No one will ever abuse you again, that includes yourself. I can't let you try and take your life." I looked over at him as I heard several sharp breath intakes. That's what he thought I was trying to do? Was I? I blinked rapidly and looked away. "Come on, doll. Come back, you're so close. Don't mentally clock out all the way. I'll help you through this. I'm right here."

"Me too," I mumbled. The bright light was flashed in front of my eyes again. "No," I whispered as I pushed it away and it clamored across the deck, pointing towards the shore.

"F**k! 'Nettie, what's going on?" Noah asked reaching for the light.

"What?" I mumbled as I pushed him back and slowly lowered my head so I could look around at all of the guys. I blinked several times again as Noah stood back and crossed his arms. His furrowed brow had me concerned. Maybe I should have responded when I first heard him. "What's your problem? Did I kill someone? Oh God! Where's Jess? My arm! It's numb. Did I hurt her?" I gasped as I looked at my right arm. I pursed my lips and furrowed my brow.

"You go into some whacko trance and your first thought is who'd you kill?" Josh asked in a surprised tone. I looked back at him and started to wag my finger at him. I looked down at my arm in shock instead. It felt like It was stuck in sludge and fighting everything I wanted it to do. I shook my head as I watched it. I turned it up and down and made a fist. "She's still in the trance. Can I have some of her medication?"

"That's it! Doll! Are you in pain? You haven't had any medication since lunch?" Pat inquired beside me. I lowered my hand and shook my head. 

"I'm going floating. Coming?" I asked and looked back up at the sky. "Gotta find that hope," I mumbled. Pat leaned me back, braced my back, and kissed me. I wrapped my arm around his neck and let him deepen the kiss until I was gasping for air. I closed my eyes as he sat me up again and pulled me into his lap. He pulled his right leg up and gave me a brace against my back. He rubbed my right shoulder and held my right thigh tightly.

"It's right here, doll," he whispered. I met his eyes and blinked rapidly in confusion. "Your hope is right here." I reached over and rubbed the inner part of his bicep. He grinned and kissed me again. "Atta girl! Come back to me. Now breathe. Get some oxygen into your lungs so your mind isn't deprived. Always find your hope with me," he ordered in a soft voice. I pressed against his side. "Reality. This is happening. You're in my arms and I'm going to take care of you, doll. I will never hurt you," he confirmed as moved my hand once more. Our hands covered his heart cavity. "Love. It's always here for you and will help you heal," he whispered as he kissed me again. I grinned and leaned into the kiss. When I broke away from it, he caressed my jaw and asked in a quiet tone, "where'd you go, doll?" 

"I was mad," I replied and arched my brow. "I didn't go anywhere. I'm not exactly suited to go anywhere. In case you can't tell, I'm hurt." I looked back up at the sky.

"Doll, that's not what I'm asking," Pat whispered. "How'd you get here? Right here on the dock. Where were you and how did you get here?" I turned my head so I could peer into his eyes. 

"Forest ball. I was at the tree, and then," I paused and bit my lip. "Now I'm here. Was I moved?" 

He looked at me and shook his head. "Not exactly, doll. Breathe. You're shallow still. Panicking is not going to help. Breathe," he ordered. I sucked my lips into my mouth and pressed them in a thin line. "Annette, please breathe."

I panted and gasped for air, "I'm sorry to cause you more worry." 

"Can we go inside? You need to take another pain pill and go to sleep. We completed part five, doll. We stargazed. I need the light to look at your arm. Not just the flashlight. Let me take care of you inside. I'm worried about you and right now, I definitely don't want you to be around the water. You are not going floating," he whispered. I furrowed my brow. "We stargazed, doll," he repeated. I grinned and looked around as Pat tightened his embrace on me. Josh, Noah, and Tyler still stood there with concerned looks on their faces. Josh walked over and offered Pat his hand. Pat took and stood up. Pulling me with him as Noah helped guide me up before trading places with Tyler. "You got her?" Pat asked. I looked back at him in a panic.

"Got who?! I'm staying by you! No! They can't. I'm staying. I need. No. Please. You. Noah. Need to," I insisted, beginning to panic and hyperventilate. 

"Shh! Breathe. It's okay," Pat murmured as leaned over and kissed my cheek. He embraced me and I put my head on his shoulder as I closed my eyes. He began to exaggerate his breathing again and I tried to copy him. "Doll, I'm right here. Your brother and friends are here. Noah backed up because you don't like to be cold and he fears that's what he'll do to you. Now we're going to take care of you. Please, give in. You're fighting to go to sleep. Just rest, darling," he ordered as he rubbed my back. I nodded and relaxed into him. I really did feel tired and weak. It wasn't long before I felt my leg give out. "Christ! Tyler," Pat commanded. I tried to open my eyes in protest but they felt glued shut. I was lifted in the air, supported under my knees and behind my back. Someone, I assumed was Pat, pushed my head into -my assumption- Tyler's neck. "Just put her in bed. I can handle it if she freaks out because she doesn't recognize where she is. Noah, I need the chair." We started to move. 

"Jess!" Tyler's voice boomed and he pounded on the door. It opened and the light caused the blackness I was seeing behind my eyes turn red. 

"Is she alright?" Jess asked in concern as Tyler continued to move; I felt like I was being rocked.

"I think so. I'm setting her in bed. I need you to check her vitals and her arm. She's on autopilot. Noah's never seen this. She apparently clocked Josh really good with her elbow. We're not sure if she used her left arm, but check that out too. Fairly certain she just passed out. Where's your kit?" Tyler asked as he set me on something soft.

"Right here," she replied. The bed shifted beside me as my left eye was opened then my right. I felt two cold fingers press against my throat. Two more sets of footprints came into the room as my upper arm was squeezed. I heard a hiss of air as the pressure released and my sling was taken off. I felt her quickly run her fingers up and down my arm. Then she hooked me up again. "Her pulse is erratic and weak but consistently the same crazy pattern. Her pupils reacted to the light like they're supposed to, but they didn't focus. I don't see anything wrong with her left arm. I'll check out her right in a minute. Let's see, legs seem have movement. No abnormal swelling. Keep an eye on her right knee, it seems stuck. Reflexes are sluggish. It's like her mind is making her body shut down. Which is what she needs, but I don't know. I've never encountered anyone like her before. Pat, you were already planning on sleeping with her, right? Good. The rest of us need to help out. Noah, you're going to bed now too. You have work tomorrow. Her arrangement kinda depends on you too. Tyler and Josh, we need to set up shifts. Wake up Pat and get vitals again every hour. It all needs to be written down. Let me show all really quick. Right now her pulse is 72 beats per minute. In the hospital, her resting rate was 84 beats per minute. Her blood pressure is 76/52. Normal is 90/60. So it's a little low, which explains why she passed out. 'Nettie's been keeping steady at 101/68. I don't get it. She's got a bruise forming on her elbow, so getting around might be a little more difficult now," Jess explained as she lifted my right arm and turned it around. "She'll be fine; I don't doubt that at all. Now I hear she's not my only patient. Are you okay, Josh?"

"She's got a good jab. Just got the outside of my thigh. It's fine. Nothing I can't handle myself," he responded. It sounded like he was moving around the room. It was a relief to hear. I'd hate to hurt anyone. "She felt defensive, no harm. I know she didn't mean it." The bed shifted on my left and I was rolled to my side. 

"Oh, doll. Forgive me for forcing you to do this, but I'm not letting you go. I'm right here, love. Come back to me," Pat whispered in my ear as he snuggled into me.

"Her finger!" Tyler exclaimed. Pat reached over and grabbed my hand.

"What about it?" Noah asked. "She's always had a twitch, not just when we signed."

"I don't think it's just a twitch. In the hospital when she first woke up, she used morse code to communicate with me until she could open her eyes and talk. Look. It's not random movements. She keeps repeating the same pattern. At least it looks repetitive." Thank you! Someone got it.

"You're right. Short, short, long, short. Pause. Repeat," Pat confirmed. "F?"

"I don't know, man. I need a cheat sheet. New pattern. Two bounces? So that be two short," Tyler noticed.

"Correct. That's an I," Pat confirmed. I raised my finger again. One long, one short. He squeezed my hand and huffed. "Doll, if you're trying to say you're fine I'm going to slap you - but out of love. You are not fine. N was her next letter," he told the crowd glumly. I flicked my finger twice. "I?"

"F-i-n-i. Finish?" Noah offered. Long, short, long, long. 

"Y. Either that's a yes or she's messing up," Pat explained. I did the same pattern again. "Y again. I'm assuming yes." I repeated once more. "Confirmed. Finish what, doll?" I held up my finger paused then bounced it twice. "D." My fingers were starting to feel like the were being weighed down; moving was becoming more and more difficult. I hoped they got this quickly as I bounced my finger twice. "I," Pat confirmed. I held up my finger and bounced it. "E or N? Movements are slowing down. I can't tell if she's exhausted or truly passing out. Annette, do it again please," Pat panicked. I did my best to comply.

"Die or din? Please tell me you're talking about dinner," Josh pleaded. I couldn't hold up my finger any more. "She's not twitching anymore! Did she give up? If you can still hear me, Annette, don't you dare," Josh threatened Pat rested his hand under mine I could still press. 

"Y! Yes. She's talking about dinner," he chuckled and kissed my nose. "Sleep, 'Nettie. Your body is telling you to. Worrying about if we ate isn't going to help you. Just sleep, doll. I'll cook for you tomorrow. We'll finish our date. I promise."

"No! That's it!" Jess exclaimed. "She needs nutrients! Low blood sugar!" I pressed into Pat's hand again, the same pattern I had already repeated so many times.

"Of course. She told the cops she threw up on those mongrels. Then she said she got sick in the shower again. I'm sorry, doll. I'm not doing a good job caring for you." I squeezed his hand - one long one short. "N. I know, doll. I'm not at fault. Thanks," he whispered. "She agrees but how are we going to feed her? I'm not shoving it down her throat," Pat admitted. 

"I don't think that's necessary. I'll be right back," Jess explained. The room was silent. Pat rubbed my hand and I continued to squeeze his to let him know I was still awake.

"Jess, come on! I'm with Pat! We can't force her to eat. I can't let you do that," Noah protested on my behalf.

"I'm not forcing her to do anything. It seems like she doesn't have control of major muscles that you have to focus on if you want them to work after an injury: legs, arms, eyes, and mouth. But, if my assumption is correct, breathing is natural which means she's still swallowing spit. Watch. Drink, 'Nettie," Jess instructed. A straw was placed in my mouth as she held my jaw. I sipped and was rewarded with water. I continued to sip and all of a sudden I was just sucking air. The room chuckled and the straw was removed from my mouth. "I'll be back with a smoothie."

"You sure know how to win a crowd over, 'Nettie. I know you aren't acting, but damn! You sure had us worked up. Bravo, sis," Noah mused. "Sit her up, Pat." Pat sat me up and propped me against his chest. I was in the crook of his neck. Both arms wrapped around my waist. He sandwiched my hand in both of his.

"Do you feel like you are back in sludge?" Tyler asked. I pressed into Pat's hand again.

"Affirmative," Pat chuckled. "You can't scare me-us like that, doll."

"And now is the part when she tells you she's fine and rolls her eyes," Josh noted. Pat chuckled. "So we don't need to wake you every hour now, Pat?" I pressed into Pat's arm again. I didn't want to make anyone suffer; they should all sleep.

"Affirmative. Although, I don't think you guys would have had to wake me at all," Pat confirmed. I pressed in his hand again. Why was he talking like that? "Doll, you worry too much. I doubt I'll sleep much tonight anyways. I'm definitely going to keep my eyes on you all night. They just would've helped me check your vitals. Everybody is concerned about you. I'm not letting you go tonight," he whispered in my ear. That sounded good to me. "I love you, Sarah Annette. You amaze me everyday."

"Here we go. Strawberry smoothie made with white grape juice and frozen strawberries. I crushed two full pain pills in there too. Nothing else; no water, milk, cream, or sugar. It tastes good. Not preggo good. Good-good. Drink up, 'Nettie. As much as you can," Jess ordered as another straw was placed in my lips. I hated being treated like a baby, but I followed orders. When I felt like I had my fill and the start of a brain freeze, I sighed and let the straw fall. "A little more please," Jess coaxed. I pressed into Pat's hand again.

"D. I'm assuming that's for done," he replied. "Thanks, Jess. Could you check her blood pressure again?"

"It won't be much different than before. She drank a little more than 75% of the smoothie, so her body will regulate it soon. Blood pressure and blood sugar will rise back into the normal range. Sleep is her best option right now," she replied.

"Of course," Pat replied. Once again I pressed into his hand long, long, short. Pause. Long, short. "G, N? Doll, I don't understand."

"Good night?" Tyler ventured. Pat chuckled as I pressed his hand once.

"Affirmative. Good night, doll. Thank you for not letting us go to bed worried," he stated as he kissed my head and lay me down again, still cradled in his arm. He continued to hold my hand and brought our hands between our chests.

"Good night, you two," the room chorused. I felt a blanket get put over me and the bed shift behind me. 

"Sweet dreams, 'Nettie. I love you. Call me tomorrow when you wake up. Leave me a voicemail. Let me know you're okay," Noah ordered as he kissed my head. "Night, Pat. Thanks for treating her right."

"My pleasure. I will always treat her right, she's worth it. Good night, Noah," Pat replied. I heard my brother retreat as Pat softly pressed his lips against my cheek. "Good night, beautiful," he whispered and stroked my arm, pulling himself tighter to me. "You had me so worried. No floating in the abyss, doll. Please, just stay in my arms," he begged. I barely pressed into his hand once, unable to do more. He laughed. If I could smile I would. He was my happy place, my safe refuge. I felt him press his lips against my forehead. I was too weak to respond any more. "Thank you, doll. I'll take it. You're on the verge of passing out for real. Go ahead. I love you. You are remarkable. You are safe. I know it bugs you, but I'm going to be stalkerish and just watch tonight. You mean the world to me. I'm not going to lose you. Just keep fighting. I'll help you get through this, doll," he continued to talk softly to me. I appreciated his gentleness and warm hands. I definitely felt safe and lovec in his arms. He softly rubbed my back, stroked my the top of my hand, and continued to speak softly -telling me how much I meant to him- until I drifted off.

"You are definitely my happy and safe place," I thought as I surrendered to sleep.