20. Masks

It didn't take me long to finish my breakfast. I reached for the remote on the table between me and my brother; it was just out of reach. I huffed in defeat and settled back into my pillows. The clock on the wall now read half past eight. I sighed. I wasn't expecting any visitors, I had nothing within reach to entertain myself, and my roommate was still sleeping. The phone beside me buzzed. "Good morning! Let us know when you're awake. We'll come in for a visit. Need anything?" Tyler's phone read: a message from Jess. 

I sent them the picture of myself with the caption that read, "apparently a new face. Eek. Why didn't you guys tell me I was so scary looking?" Shortly after I sent it, the phone began to ring, well vibrate in my hand since I left it on quiet. I answered softly, "good morning."

"Sweetie, I'm appalled! That's no way to talk about yourself! You're not scary looking at all," Jess insisted. "I'll bring in some makeup and we'll cover some of those bruises if it will make you feel better. You're gorgeous. We love you. Now, no more pity party, you hear?"

I chuckled, "Yes, ma'am. I wasn't talking about the bruises. Well maybe partially. You don't need to bring me any makeup. I wouldn't know how to apply it properly anyways. I was sorta talking about the sunken look and dark circles. I don't know if I'll ever recover from that."

"Annette, stop it. You just had a minor setback. Before you know it, you'll be glowing again. Now, I need to go shopping for a few things. Do you need anything at all?" Jess asked sweetly. I bit my lip hesitantly, thinking through all of my options. "You're family. We take care of each other, remember? Big or small, name it."

"Jess, I don't want you to spend your money on me. I don't know if I'll be able to pay you back," I said reluctantly.

"'Nettie, please stop. I don't want you to worry about it. You have nothing to feel guilty about, and it's a gift. So please accept it," she insisted. 

"Yes, ma'am," I replied, a smile tugging at my lips. "Ummm... Well feminine product. By my calculations, 14th is when I should expect that. Also, something to read or a deck of cards to help pass the time would be nice too. Jess, when they release me I think I'm going to need some clothes too. I'm sorry. I feel like it's too much to ask of you."

"Nonsense! I got you covered, sweetie," she chirped. "Now, just remember you can ask us for anything. How did last night go?"

"From what my head nurse says, it went well. I slept through the night, but Noah didn't. I guess he was afraid I'd stop breathing or something. Mrs. Malloy allowed me to eat some eggs today, it's not much but it's better than broth! If things continue go well, they're going to take my leg out of the brace and put it in a permanent cast. My left kidney is having issues, but I'm not bleeding into my urine. It sounds like she's on the fence about taking my catheter out. If it gets taken out, I can possibly shower later. However, that's not set in stone. I have to not depend my oxygen or surgery today. Really I just want a change of scenery," I explained briefly.

"That's wonderful news!" Jess replied enthusiastically. "So bed rest continues. That's not a bad thing; after all it really is in your best interest to get some rest. Send Noah to the hotel when he wakes up. He can get some peace and quiet over here. Tyler and I will come stay with you. I know you want to get out of there, sweetie, but just listen to the doctor and nurses. They're all trying to help you get better."

"That's just it though! I hardly see them. You guys are here more and know what you're doing. I think it would be more comfortable for me to not to be in a hospital," I pouted. Then I remembered my pep talk earlier. So I continued cheerfully, "but if it takes the burden off you, I'll let them work and do their thing. I don't want to inconvenience anyone. Plus, you have that baby and my brother to take care of. I'll be fine."

"Oh sweet Annette! Don't you get it? We care about you too, and right now, you're our priority. We love you, sweetie. Tyler already on his way over right now. I'll see you later. Take care," Jess replied sweetly.

"Thanks. You guys mean a lot to me too. Thanks for making me feel special. See ya soon," I replied with a smile as I hung up the phone. I looked at my brother again and chuckled. I grabbed one of the pillows from behind my back and considered chucking it at him. I put it down and grabbed his bear instead. Noah deserved some rest. Based on what Tyler said yesterday, I had caused him enough stress. I also knew that I would end up out of pillow arsenal if I threw them over there to wake him. I buried my face in the soft, tan fur of the teddy bear, my chest tightened, and I coughed. "Ugh! I could live without having to do that again," I said glumly as I hugged the bear tighter. 

"Let me guess, it sucks," a voice said playfully from the door. I looked up. Tyler leaned against the door frame with a cup of coffee in hand and a smile on his lips. I met his eye and returned the smile. 

"Morning, brother dear. Why are you up so early? Or is it late? 8:30/9 is late for me."

"It's about average. We've been up since six though. As it turns out, when you have a pregnant sister, you aren't allowed to sleep in. She said we had to keep our bored sister company," he teased.

"Oh. Well I guess she was slightly mistaken. All I need is that remote that's just out of reach and I'm set," I said, gesturing with my head. He sauntered over, picked up the remote, and handed it to me. He set his coffee on that table and sat on the bed beside me. 

"Annette, I saw what you texted. Well, actually, Jess read to me what you texted. You're not a monster or scary or anything like that. If anyone is to blame, blame us." Tyler rested his right hand on the left side of my face and gently stroked my cheek with his thumb. "We didn't stop this from happening to you and we should have."

"So you guys are drawn to me out of guilt?" I asked in an astonished tone.

"Not at all, 'Nettie. You're family. We're drawn to you out of loyalty," he responded. I looked him in the eye and saw all the pain he was harboring.

"Why are you in pain? Your eyes tell quite the story," I jabbed with a grin, as I pulled his hand away from my face. He gently clasped my hand in both of his.

"Because you're in pain. Annette, we care so much about you and you keep trying to deflect, misdirect, and give us the illusion that you're okay. Why won't you accept your own pain? Why do you keep trying to joke that everything is okay? And more importantly, why are you trying to hide from us?" Tyler asked with a look of concern. I looked down at my lap and bit my lip, carefully thinking about how to respond to that. The truth was, I always hid my pain unless I was alone but even then, it was better for me to ignore it. That and I barely knew the man in front of me who wanted me to see him as a brother. He didn't need to see my pain, nor did he have to feel sorry for me; it was unnerving and I hated the attention. I just had to get him focused on anything but me.

"Because it's the only way she knows how to get on with life," Noah groggily responded just as I was about to reply. I looked over at him in shock; my brother had just provided a better answer in fewer words than what I was going to say. Noah sat up, yawned, and stretched before meeting my eye. "I don't think I've ever seen you just accept your pain, 'Nettie. You've always just brushed it off. It can't be healthy." I sighed and leaned into Tyler, trying to hide the fact that I was crying again. He wrapped me into a hug and kissed my head.

"It's okay to show your pain, honey. It's okay for you to weep. But for now, will you please stop trying to act so strong? Yesterday was hard for you; we all could see that. You openly wept in front of several people; Noah told us you never do that. Your friend Pat, he said that when you couldn't place where you were and mentioned that Lionel couldn't make the people you care about hurt you, was the first time he saw you. Not just the you that's always happy and never lets anything get to you, but you. When he met your dad, he said he got a glimpse at the secret you hold so close. He caught the conversation you had with your dad, and then you talked to Noah. For the first time, you were emotionally open, exposed, and raw. Based on how Noah portrayed you, you did something you usually don't do: you left your emotional bottle unsealed with the lid nowhere in sight. You were still that way when you came out of surgery. By the time we left, that lid was tightly sealed again. It was an eye opener for me. You were more concerned about us than anything else. You made us laugh with a simple word or two. After Noah hugged you, it was like a 180. Boom. Someone new. No longer weak and crying in the corner because she was afraid. You definitely have a heart of gold. If I didn't see it myself, I would say it wasn't possible. I once told you that my mom had the biggest and purest heart I've ever seen, but you've easily surpassed her. Annette, I know that you want to press on but life isn't always easy and happy and sometimes it's dark and requires assistance. When you're in that state, why would hide behind a smile all the time?" Tyler inquired. He held me tighter as his words made me sob. My bed shifted and I felt someone sit down behind me. Noah placed his hand on my back and softly rubbed it.

"You've built some strong walls around your heart and mind. You don't let people in very easily. You are exceptionally gifted about getting around other people's walls and helping them cheer up, but you are making a fortress for yourself. It's time to take those walls down and let someone in so that they can take care of you," Noah said softly.

"I don't know if I'm ready for that," I sobbed. "I can't even face my emotions with you guys in the room. I don't know if I'm upset, lonely, exhausted, or just in pain. If I can't place my emotions, than I definitely shouldn't be trying to find a love connection, and that is the only reason my walls should be completely down. I hate feeling like I'm not in control. I hate that you guys are making me cry just by being sympathetic brothers. I hate that when people look at me, they look at me like I'm going to break into a thousand little pieces. And right now, I really hate being in the hospital. I don't like it here-"

"-you just don't feel safe," Tyler finished for me. I nodded against his shoulder as another wave of tears took over me. Gently Tyler pushed me into Noah's arms and pulled up a chair. He held my hand and looked me in the eye before continuing. "We don't think you're going to break into several little pieces. Yesterday, you received a lot of information and your world came crashing down around you. We're not asking you to make a love connection, in that manner. We're asking that you open up, let us in as family, and don't shut us out."

'I'm not trying to shut anyone out!" I protested leaning away from my brother. I looked at my lap and gathered my thoughts. "I'm just trying to not guilt you guys into feeling responsible for me. It's not your job to make me feel safe."

"I think I know why you don't feel safe here: you're exposed. Based on everything your brother has shared, you are a very skeptical person and you hardly trust anyone. Here, you are quite vulnerable. Anyone can come in and out. Your whole life has worked up to not trusting people. You worry about who can come in, and who will hurt you. Annette, if it will make you feel safe, Noah, Jess, or I will be here all the time," Tyler concluded.

"No one will ever hurt you again, 'Nettie," Noah promised kissing my temple as  he embraced me again. "After all, I think it's in the job description for a big brother to protect his little sister and make her feel safe; if it's not, it should be."

"See that's just it though! You and you! You're not my guard dogs. I don't need to be baby sat. You have lives that you should go live. Noah, you have a beautiful girlfriend and a baby on the way. You need to think about them and care for them first. Tyler, you've just been liberated; you need to go find your place in this world now. You both make me feel safe and loved, but I can't ask you to put your life on hold while I have a panic attack. I'll manage. I always do," I wailed quietly. This time, I turned into my brother's neck and let the tears fall freely. 

"Stop it, 'Nettie," Noah whispered. I sucked in some air, bit my lip, and tried to stop crying as ordered.

"My place in this world is by you right now," Tyler quipped as he squeezed my hand. I looked over him in shock. "Because you're right, we aren't guard dogs. We're your brothers. I'm not going anywhere because my sister needs me. I can stop any threat just as easily as Noah. You two are good at picking out threats and protecting yourselves. No more. My place, my job, is by your side, 'Nettie."

"Because family always looks out for each other," Noah added softly behind me. "You and I have always had each other's backs and now we have two more people to pull into our midst. Not only are they willing to be here for us, but they actually care too. Not the fake care either, it's genuine. I'm sorry that you feel like we're putting our lives on hold. I guess it's a good thing that we chose to be here then; you would never ask for help, 'Nettie. Jess understands. She wants you feeling better too."

"Speaking of Jess! She said when you wake up, you should go back to the hotel and get some rest while it's quiet. Thanks for staying up all night to watch me. I'm sorry for the trouble I caused," I responded quickly as I removed my hand from Tyler's grasp and dried my eyes.

"See this. This is exactly what we were talking about," Noah stated. "You changed the subject again. You're still avoiding your pain." I sighed in resignation.

"I just can't win with you," I pouted then grinned at both of them. I looked over my left shoulder and kissed Noah's cheek as he grinned at me. "Thank you. I love you both. I couldn't have asked for better brothers. Seriously though, can we be done with sappy stuff?" Noah kissed my head again and stood up. Tyler grinned and sipped on his coffee

"Sure thing, kid. Now I think I'm going to take Jess up on the offer and sleep at the hotel. I'm only a phone call away if you need me," Noah remarked with a yawn.

"As long as you promise not to leave the room like you want to hurt anyone. Mrs. Malloy said all the guys seem to leave with anger on their face. I don't want anyone to get hurt, one way or another," I responded. Tyler grinned again and took another sip of his coffee. Noah shook his head.

"I'm not mad. I'm tired," he retorted with a smirk as he picked up his backpack. "No worries, sis. I won't hurt anyone. Here. To help you pass the time." He handed me a deck of Phase 10 playing cards and a sudoku book. 

"Thank you! Although, Phase 10 is kinda hard to play solo, or even with two people," I teased. 

"I promise, we'll play later. If you separate them, you can play solitaire," Noah remarked as he shook his head again, grinned, and walked out the door. I looked at Tyler. 

"If your sister and my brother get married, won't it be kinda weird for you to say 'the bride is my sister and so is she, but she's also the groom's sister'? I mean don't get me wrong, I think it's awesome to have another big brother, but talk about a messed up family tree!" I giggled.

"Yeah, it's weird. I'll give you that. You're my sister. Point blank. End of discussion. If it makes you feel better, I can call you my sister-in-law, but that's sooo long!" Tyler teased. I rolled my eyes and turned on the tv. "Does this mean you plan on meeting your niece or nephew now?" I gave a quizzical glance out of the corner of my eyes with a slight nod. He grinned and I turned back to the tv, flipping the channels. Tyler squeezed my hand. "It was one of the first things you said. You instantly connected Jess to me, so she must have been on your mind. 'I like my brother's girlfriend. I'm going to be an aunt, but I won't meet the baby.' So much positivity met an instant buzz kill," he mimicked. I gasped and looked down; I had forgotten that part.

"That complex brought up emotions I didn't know I was capable of feeling. I had one goal: get Lauren and Adam out of there safely. I didn't care what would happen to me. I knew I would give up my life if it meant they were free," I confessed in a voice barely above a whisper. I cleared my throat and looked at the tv again; I was done dwelling on it. "I am looking forward to meeting the baby," I told him confidently, but didn't look at him.

"Glad to hear it. Are you okay right now, or do you need another heart to heart conversation?" He asked. I looked over at him and smiled sweetly. 

"I'm okay. I'm sore and stiff and want to get out of this bed, but I'm fine. Do you need a heart to heart?"

"More mushy stuff? Nah I'm good. I think I'm going to take over your brother's cot though if you don't mind. Nine to noon is more my ideal time to wake up," he replied with a wink. I nodded and turned my attention back to the tv set, trying to find something to watch at 8:57 in the morning. Tyler stood up, walked over to me, propped up my pillows behind my back again and kissed my head. "You should rest too, sweet 'Nettie. You look a little tired yourself, sister dear."

"Yes, boss! Lately, that's all I've been doing. Eating, sleeping, and crying. Ugh. I don't like it," I replied. He chuckled and ruffled my hair before laying down on the cot and closing his eyes. "Thanks, Tyler. I'll work on tearing down my wall for you, brother dear. I have a deep affection for you, can't tell if it's love yet, but I'm happy you're in my life."

"Love you, sister dear. Wake me if you need anything," he replied with a grin. I settled into my pillows, watched the Hallmark channel, and opened my sudoku book. Yes. Today was indeed going to be a good day.