Where do the mountains meet the ocean?

Food for thought, ranting and releasing thoughts of the mind to stay sane.

I once read something that said “You can’t love, if you don’t love yourself.” I remember when I realized that this was true. It took a lot of lonely days, and long lonesome nights full of questions and no answers. I was always alone, even when I didn't know I was, in the biggest crowds of people I felt like I never belonged. I wore my skin like that of a chameleon and blended with my surroundings flawlessly. People bestowed their trust in me and I held on it, but no one ever wanted to stay. There were times when my imagination was so full of color and hope, that the wrong I was doing I justified as right because I knew I had more time to grow. 

Now that I have grown, I wonder where my imagination has gone and why my eyes capture beauty but my mind won't accept it as my own.  My old soul has tried to tell me for most of my life that I was a little different, that all the events that happened throughout my life were happening for a reason, I only half listened to it. My research on why I was the way I was and still am led me to spiral into a mind that was too complex for my conscience to understand. Few people I’ve talked to had understood what I was babbling about, because back then I talked a lot.Through the years I’ve grasped onto the quotes “Silence is golden.” and “Those who know do not speak. Those who speak do not know.” -Lao Tzu, because not everyone lived a life like I did, nor would understand unless they walked into the door of my house. Words couldn't do it any justice. 

I did not consider my house a home but merely a cage. My cage that held me captive and led me to look beyond what I was told gave me a thrill that was accompanied by anguish that has now been broken and here I am. However, it was when I was in that cage that I found how to love. I’ve loved people, places, and things, only because I was not aloud to be a part of it, so in my mind I dreamed of one day living the perfect combination of life that I watched in front of me as the world spinned; on the other hand I didn’t love my self. Like a dog in a shelter I lived most of my life in fear of disappointing those that I had held dear to my heart because I just wanted to be loved. Time moved on and the lessons of life were written as the days went by, my life became a walking contradiction and ongoing battle between my heart, my head, and my soul. Now, I’m not saying I’ve overcome these challenges, on the other hand I have just learned to balance them. It wasn’t until one summer when my whole life changed. I thought a lot of summers changed my life, but no, this one was different. I was truly, alone. 

Not the kind of alone where no one wanted to spend time with me; the kind of alone I chose to be when the sun set and I sat on the sand of the Atlantic coast line. My heart beats like the rhythm of the ocean, unsteady and beautiful. It was the way the day looked when the sun crossed the sky that I acknowledged how big the world was beyond the horizon. Acknowledged that I had to break free. Laying in the sand I could feel the waves pulsating beneath me, watch the sky turn purple and orange, and dream about what it would be like to be free. My salty tears didn’t make a difference since the ocean comforted me and sucked them right up and used it to continue the life that lived in the sea. 

Day after day, moon after moon, I felt more and more like I found my purpose to why I was on this revolving planet. All the wisdom from all the events on my lifeline didn’t turn me to be a bad person, rather someone who has an invisible halo. Now, I am not saying that I am an angel, but it has to mean something that my name translates to angel, and my last name means light; it has to mean something that the dreams I had were unlike those I lived my life with, it had to mean something right? Then, a year after that, the following summer I left my beloved ocean behind and decided to break out of that god forsaken cage.

To this day I am continuously asking myself, “What am I doing? Can I find this love I have for the ocean and its surrounding in other environments?” All I had in my neighboring backyard was the ocean, so my heart longs for it. Now that I am free and have broke the barriers of the cage I grew up in, my wings can spread but I don’t know how to fly...yet. I want to see mountains and love them as much as the ocean, I want to see jungles and walk through the grass like the sand between my toes. I just need to find that little bit of dream I have left in my head so I can call any place I rest my head home, because I now I know how to avoid cages.