Looking Back into the Void

Something I wrote intended to be a text but it eventually led into story form. Still not sure if I should send it to her on how she made me feel, but I still wish and hope the best life for her.

At one time in my life I thought nothing made sense.  I was younger and naïve and my life was going nowhere.  So I did what I would always do, I tucked away in my corner and delved into my escape.  I always got a rush from the unknown, me opening up my mind to different things that I thought could satiate my thirst.  I always enjoyed esoteric and otherworldly phenomenon, hell in a way it was kind of a turn on.  The thought of losing my gall, giving up a tad bit of control would be the ultimate high, and it was.  I finally curved that rush, that intense buildup of sexual pleasure.  So much intensity, so much desire, so much passion into delving into the unknown.  The opening up of the mind, it felt so intoxicating, it curved all those desires, that forbidden fruit, the delicacies of unwanted and almost dangerous temptations.  But you want to something that lacked?  A connection, my heart went out for miles, the aching to be felt, to be touched in the embrace of a true love.  But I could never find it, so I buried those feelings and emotions deep, never wanting them to resurface.  So I hid them, shoved them all the way down, cause in a way I got lost in that chemical imbalance that hungered for letting go.  This earthly materialistic realm was not doing it for me anymore, all the people that I thought that I poured my heart and soul to, they were so distant…almost worlds apart from me delving into that unconscious unknown.  

It felt so satisfying to be there, of being encased into a tightly web cocoon, the thought of losing my will and perpetual draining of ego it became like an addictive substance.  Better than drinking, better than smoking, better even then the best sex.  I was hooked, I felt myself becoming more interested, more indebted to giving away to others, in the form of audio and video.  That enigmatic rush of just being separated from body, mind collapsing in on itself was inevitably erotic, meanwhile all my investments outside became boring, stagnant, in some weird way I was getting off on doing this to myself.  And I will not lie, it felt good until the feelings of the outside world, of friends, of relationships I could have had…all of that became null and void.  At last I knew what it had been all along, I put myself inside my own self-induced prison, I fed this addiction of the unknown, where conscious floats away from subconscious wants, desires, and dreams.  The more I submitted myself, delved into that chaotic splendor, the more I felt regret…the more I knew I was harming myself more than the people around me.  Trust me when I say this, it felt good and it sucked at the same time.  Feeling myself at an impasse, to where everything became so difficult to divert my attention to, to concentrate, to really meditate on what had to be done…eventually my mind slipped, cracked, and broke into a million pieces.  

Knowing what I did was inevitably wrong, I cried and wept, stumbling to try to pick up all the pieces back up together finally realizing, what the hell have I done?  It took me such a long time to repair the damage I had done to myself, hell I wouldn’t even want to wish that upon my worst enemies let alone to my best friends, to basically lose a part of myself while neglecting what mattered most.  Getting back a semblance, a balance and knowing my worth in this world was a long arduous journey, but I did it, I came back from the impossible.  Constantly rebuilding, working on myself, striving to do something, being creative and using my intuition to guide me into healing it was worth it.  And then one day I came across someone, not sure what I should call her, this person.  But in a way I felt something the moment I talked to her, an immediate connection, an insolent twin I never met before…maybe this was karma, maybe it wasn’t.  Dare I do realize now my mistakes I had with her, this divine temptress, a natural goddess…someone who knew how to take control and get what she wants while doing so.  So much charm and charisma oozed from her, the way she talked, the way she held herself, so mesmerizing and intoxicating.  

But I saw something underneath her, something I felt from before, could it be I wondered?  A person out there standing in the darkness acting like a dancing candle that sways back and forth like I once did, the way I used to?  The way she entranced others, so beguiling, reminding me of myself.  The way she would retreat, so intriguing, reminding me of myself.  The way she came in so hot with burning passion, but just as cold when she turned away, reminding me of myself.  At first I knew this could not be true, could this really be happening?  She tugged on my strings, in a weird way I knew what she was doing, but caught in the heat of the moment I turned my cheek the other way, I didn’t care.  I was enthralled and hooked from the moment she gave me the chance, to get a glimpse into her world, as I fell into her eyes and they reminded so much of my own.  I should’ve caught on but I knew what she was doing, this psychic vampire hiding behind the façade of human skin.  She came in so seductively, hell she told me she was.  She came in telling me what she wanted, and she told me exactly what I wanted to hear.  All good things, loving and charming things, beguiling me and haunting me at the same time.  

Like a hypnotized victim, I too fell for the predator of my dreams.  My temptress, this psychic vampire who knew she had me wrapped around her finger, like the coils of a snake entangling their prey.  A natural born predator, she told me, but I was too hypnotized to see what was really behind her eyes, what was actually going behind the scenes.  Shame on me for giving all that I had to give, my passion, my heart in the form of words, a piece of my soul in exchange for…nothing.  She knew what she had done, and it took me a long time to realize I saw my younger self inside her eyes, that darkness wrapped in a cocoon that imposed itself upon itself.  My words were never meant to hurt her, harm her, entrance her but to awaken to what I have learned.  A special friend that she lifted upon the backs of many, that’s what she said, the first in line in front of a crowd of all available suitors, of all unorthodox and conniving prey, she knows what she does.  I held all that in high regard yet I was still unable to see behind her eyes.  And part of my heart still goes out to her, part of my soul she took and keeps for granted and I stay here contemplating, why?  Why does this psychic vampire tempt me so?  What is this hold she has on me?  This seductive yet loving leech that drains only when she wants to, comes back to me but I sit here and wait, no longer the first in line.  Why do I feel this way?  

Hanging here in this perpetual state of wanting, but I see her and notice her now, and all of her other…special friends.  So close she holds them so dear, so enthralling and captivating her allure reeks out of her pores, and now I see the forest through the trees.  Her darkness, her shade, all a mask, just a guile and a façade that delves into a world I once knew and put behind me.  So hard I try to put her out of my mind, and somewhere I still see light in her and I don’t know why.  I try to see some good in this psychic temptress and maybe she could feel it too, through my words, through our time together.  Did I tame this temptress, or did she tame me?  But I know the secret, I can take back what I once lost, knowing full well of having the courage and strength to back off and escape and say goodbye.  But I will not hold my temptress at fault, in a way, just like in my past I did this to myself.  Trying to find kindness and warmth and love and comfort in all the wrong places, I can easily turn away and come back into my own and jump back into my cycle of happiness and satisfaction.  But as I turn around my empty eyes filled with despair, I can wish and want and pray the best for my temptress, my psychic vampire who knew what she was doing from the beginning.  

From our first encounter till the end, I still saw the human she could be, the heart that pounds, her fire that could subsided…but then I realize.  A temptress and seductress like that probably could never change but my heart still goes out to her for reasons I will never know, but I can hope and dream the best for her.  Maybe somewhere out there she can break free of the same thing that I used to be.  Locked in perpetual motion, feeling stagnant and stuck, being surrounded by negative leeches maybe even parasites maybe even good people, but I am done wondering and I am done doubting myself of who or what could have been.  Sometimes broken souls remain in that rough cycle of torment and despair, being surrounded by all negative elements, of course I know they come in all shapes and forms.  Hell I know that feeling all too well because you want to know something?  

I too was once a vampire and a damned good one too.  I know and understand all the tools of trade, to say all the right things to everyone, to have everyone look at you as if you are some type of dark god, standing on the totem poll of all other dark entities, dabbling into otherworldly chaotic disturbances that make the universe shiver, but it also makes that cosmic cycle cry and weep.  The more I isolated into my tomb and my own troubles, I created a prison for myself, one that is filled with all lustful passions and desires, I too know what it’s like to be on the receiving end.  To take something from another but to give nothing back in return, but telling them I need them cause their special and caring and loving, and me taking all that for granted casting it aside to throw it into an incandescent flame.  I know those ways all too well, but this once negative psyche found new purpose and new vision.  To break through the mundane, to see clear, and I could still use my intuition, my untapped talents to make something happen, to cause a stir into human hearts even my own which once was dead and now is full of everything that is decent and pure and humble.  

I look back at my temptress, this vampire I held in such high regard, that used be on top of my list of all other things I used to do and have done.  Shame on me for not recognizing that some people refuse to change, that sometimes the darkness becomes so consuming, so easy, and it feels so inevitably right, that they lose themselves in that darkened void so much it becomes them outright.  But I know and understand the ways of the universe, of certain things I have learned over my years of being on this earth, the pendulum always swings both ways.  Dark and light, hot and cold, right and wrong, black and white.  I turn around and look back with my watery eyes and I still hope for the best in her.  And I do know that living in that muddled fuzzy bleak area in between both worlds is not a great way to live.  You lose focus, you lose sleep, you feel stuck in your own skin like you cannot move, stagnant in your own energy, and the more you resist and fight the oncoming tide, it gets harder to find the key to your own tomb.  To unlock that door to maybe even take glimpse at what the other side has to offer.  What I offered to her, my heart, my soul, my kindness, almost a little bit of everything.  

But now I take it all back and I walk the other way towards newer more beautiful horizons.  I wish the same for her, and she could have it if she wanted.  To open herself up to new beginnings, to not be bogged down by negativity and burdens and temptations, I wish and I hope that for my temptress.  I hope that she finds love and happiness in the way she wants to, to walk her own path, to not be burdened by either beliefs or foundations or people or others, both negative and positive energies like being in tug of war and one is caught in the middle.  I understand her so well cause I used to be her, and I know that lifestyle and situational conflict all too well.  And somewhere deep inside her darkness I still see light at the end of her tunnel.  I hope she could walk down it one day and find it, and open up that door to make that pendulum sway to its rightful position.  Somewhere in my own depths of intuition and my dreams to where I get pings and glimpses and hints of insight, I still feel my temptress, this psychic vampire that leaves me drained but I still wake up everyday and fight and see the light and feel the goodness in the people around me; that’s when I know I’m not alone and I’ll be alright.  

I wish she could feel all the love and happiness in the world with someone or anyone for that matter.  I hope the tides turn for my temptress but in all good ways so she does not have feel lost or perturbed or misguided or being led, and most important I hope she does not feel restricted to anyone or anything.  Because like I said I know that feeling, of being restricted inside one’s head time and time again, over and over, like a never-ending karmic cycle that is destined to repeat itself.  I sure hope that does not happen for her, like I said, I would not even wish that upon my worst enemies to be trapped forever in the same prison.  I broke free and got out and became human again, this once psychic vampire turned into god knows what now.  Maybe some type of enigma, a reverse vampire, a once incubus.  But no…I am none of those things, I am simply human with my own struggles, my own burdens, my own life I work on everyday, and it is hard.  But sometimes those hard things in life are the most rewarding, nothing comes easy and I know now that my ways of lying and manipulating different situations was not the right way to go.  Bouncing back from that took some time and effort, trial and error, cause and effect but in the end I know it will be worth it.  

I just wish my temptress all the best things in the world, happiness, love, honor, decency, trust and respect.  I learned all those things and none of it ever came easy because I know if I had given it all away, in the long run I would have just had the gut feeling of being a second rate mimic of a higher organism.  For some reason, I hate that restriction, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth and a sourness on my stomach.  Sometimes the best thing a once vampire now human like me could do is walk away and wish for all the same things to my temptress, maybe one day too she could walk with me but the more I think about it logically and reasonably, I guess at the time I had my head in the clouds and one day all of this will seem like a dream.  

2/1/23