Undisclosed Energy

An essay I wrote a while ago explaining my thoughts.

What do I know?  That is a tough question to answer.  I think I can rearrange the question to ‘What do I not know?’  I do not know quite a bit, I do not know how to make the perfect rope, I do not know how to ride a jet ski, I am worried and get anxious when I try to talk in front of people, and at times I bite my tongue when I truly want to speak to get my point across.  The first two spectrums are fairly visible in my eye, but the latter ones are fundamental ideas that I have a hard time processing in my mind.  The man inside of me wants to be explored, inspired, and to be thoughtful and creative.  But the man outside is big, sluggish, lazy, skeptical, and non-talkative.  The energy created within my objective and cerebral mind can be loud, obnoxious, confused, introverted, and destructive.  Even though I do not show these traits on the outside, I believe they create the ideal me, an enigma, an entity that hides so much yet does not show it.  In all relativity, I really do not have to show it because ideally these are the traits that make me unique.  I know that I can be artistically driven, a heartfelt poet in nature, a closet-case writer, and an unique individual.  Yet the main problem is I do not show it, but why should I?  

Every end gets shut down and put underneath the bus.  Believe me when I say this but who would want to listen to a disgruntled overweight middle aged man who has much to say but refuses to talk knowing that the fact of the matter is that no one will listen.  Easy predictable philosophy on my own accord.  I can come up with some wonderful ideas, easy advice; a very valuable listener who comes to hold emotions and sensitivity on high standards.  But I believe everyone has these traits, to superficially impose the person they want to be and to show off extroverted talents to everyone else.  On the other hand, people like me tend to place their energy inwards so we can glance, reflect, and objectively trace our own attitudes and emotions.  Comparing and contrasting are two of my major theories that I hold dearly to me.  I believe in trial and error, that trying different habits and traits in the social magnetic world that we tend to call reality.  But mostly at times I have that hard time trying and doing, and it usually boils down to reflection, immobility, and recognizing a deeper connection to people.  

Many people will say that this is essentially wrong, others may say it might be demonic in nature, but it is what I know.  That instinctive loner that I know I am.  In all reality, I am not truly alone, I have people that lift me up, hold me up to impossible standards, but the power relies solely in me, and I have the magnitude and energy to conquer mountains, to push away barriers, to overcome obstacles.  Tackling horizons is the key here, but why bother at times when they know they end in defeat.  Why try in a world that shuts you off problematically and coincidentally?  Why push when you know you will be pushed back violently and indestructibly?  Why even try at all?  Energy. 

You see energy can be used in so many ways.  It can be used to conceal, overcome, overthrow, punish, weaken, but mostly importantly, to reserve.  Reservation I believe can be the key to much in a world filled with social standards and pursuits.  Reserving energy basis, taking it all in, being an avid listener, these are all traits of introversion.  It could be wrong, it could be right, all I know that it is something.  Something that cannot be looked over.  Reservation comes along when you know things are on the forefront, certain energies and certain endeavors that need a keen eye or a keen observer to ask the questions.  From these questions we ask, we can create theories, possibilities, opportunities, etc.  What we see and what we observe is a part of this conscious existence we call reality.  We can touch it, see it, feel it, smell it, and hear it.  It encompasses our external senses.  We can soar through our life, especially my own, hearing the wonders of this beautiful world.  I can swim in the ocean if I wanted to feeling the current of water blissfully rolling over my hands.  I can taste the wondrous meals across this continent in one gigantic bite.  And I do not have to worry here, because I have my senses, my external thumbprints touching everything I witness and observe.  And through this I can create opportunities and ventures, into a conscious living reality external of my own true self.  But there is something deeper, deeper than the petal on a flower; something beneath the soil of my own rough skin, something that I can tap into when I feel like.  I am talking about dreams, beyond the senses, beyond the emotional external bliss we call life.  I am speaking about the soul, the wonders that go beyond any conscious dilemma of this world, the center that makes the external come to life.  I am talking about the mind that inspires and makes life worth living.  I am talking about the spirit that longs to be touched, to be strewn outwards to catch everything that is and everything that will be.  

The mind is a powerful tool.  It creates our imaginations, our dreams, our sanity, our desires, our motivations and dedications, but it does not create life.  I believe I am a part of life.  I am a part of my own life.  And right now I am living a period of my life.  I am living the moment of this moment of my life.  And no one could touch it, and no one could take it away.  Cause in my mind, I can dream and fantasize a million worlds that cannot be touched or taken away by anyone.  I can be the writer, the philosopher, the dreamer, the artist, the architect of my own sanity.  In this moment, I can just be me and no one else.  In this dream, in this unconscious, I can be the one who breaks the noise without a slight hesitation what happens in the external world.  And this is what drives men to their passions and desires.  To pull a piece of the infinite wisdom beyond wonders to accomplish the feats of the flesh.  We can be all, and we can know all, yet no one can touch us, and we choose not to be judged within our own hearts and minds, but be judged in the conscious external reality, the world that has grown to accept extroverted mentalities and personality traits with higher brains and big egos.  But to the little person that dreams through emotions, that inquisitive nature to delve into blissful worlds that we create.  These are the people that articulate life, that give the heart purpose.  We are the ones that inspire, that open possibilities of the heart and soul, to give life (not just our own) a rush of passion and ecstasy.  To drive the mind to the end of the spiral.

The soul is something really unique.  I have a soul and everyone else does.  And we all exhibit our own energy.  One that vibrates through the motions of everyday life.  We can store, reserve, compound, and even expand that energy into any field of awareness.  Some people might consider this to be heresy, to be called demonic by nature.  To hold on to piece of divine justice.  But people must understand one thing, that there are institutions out there that try to give a name to this energy, to this never ending balance we call life.  They try to label this as divine intervention, to place a mark on it.  Some call if God, others call it Yahweh, Buddha, Vishnu, Allah, Jehovah, etc.  What people do not understand is that it is vibration, that it is energy, that life creates life, and it never ends.  Down to the most insignificant insect and up to the tallest tree that looms in the sky forever.  Life always finds a way, and it found a way in us.  It gave us this spirit, this soul, regardless of its divine source.  And I strongly believe that there is a divine source because I am knowledgeable in the idea of relativity.  I cannot describe or fathom that nothing came out of nothing, it is utterly impossible.  But a spark of insanity, of beauty, of something all inspiring as life, it is possible to believe in a divine deity, or entity, or source, or being.  Our spirit is connected to this, it gives us strength and emotion.  It does not give us purpose, because we as humans can fathom our own purpose in life.  It does not give us hope, cause we as humans can have hope in each other.  It does not give us religion, because over countless years the human race has invented this institution to give us purpose.  We are divine beings, enlightened beings, not endowed with a purpose; we are endowed with life beyond measure, without restraint, without puppet strings.  We create life and our energy because down to the single simplistic atom in our entire body, we realize that we are energy.  And energy is viewed in waves and in particles.  We see the speed of light all around us, we hear the speed of sound at every moment, we experience life through our actions, whether they are passive or active.  We are always free, like fish in the ocean.  Some are big, some are small, some are mean, some are weak, some are strong, some are long, some are short, others have bad tempers, others are wise, others swim backwards, others swim forwards, others do not do anything at all.  But it is life.  And the ocean is life, and we as fish are a part of it whether we like it or not.  Is this philosophy or spirituality at its core?  No it isn’t.  It just is.  Somethings are the way they are because the ocean will never change, it will always be here.  

A cosmic disturbance occurred in my mind one day at a single moment.  Then there I was stunned and astonished.  Should I dedicate my life to spirituality?  Should I read about famous philosophers?  Should I go out and take a mile walk?  Should I lay down in bed and think about love?  Should I venture outwards and get a job?  Should I lay here and bury my head in the sand?  Questions without answers.  And that is me.  A solid question.  A being that has been satiated over the years with age old questions that are poised to everyone.  Do I answer them intelligently with wisdom?  Or do I react impulsively without a doubt who I may hurt in the process?  What if these questions never existed in the first place.  Then what?  What would happen if one day you woke up, with the day ahead of you, and everything you were taught was absolutely wrong and you had to start all over.  

In my life, everyday is a new adventure.  I exist merely to be here.  With no hidden agenda in mind, an entity waving ‘hello’ to the waking world once more.  No divine intervention needed, no external worries or cares, only the intrinsic introverted ideal that I live with in my heart and in my head.  Information and knowledge can touch me at any corner, never doubting but always caring.  Being open minded of every which way and every angle.  I can be the stone that moves, I can be as stubborn as I wish, and I can be selfish in my own way.  And then comes those giants looming overhead as vast clouds, thundering and wailing their own ideals.  The gods overhead with amazing voices, impeccable noises, drowning out the dreams, igniting the external fire that if I touch even a single ember I might burn myself and then they could say “Ah…at last he has learned to touch the fire…he has put his hand out into the open and has tasted of the world we have handed to him…ah, sweet merciful fate….we learn from our burns.”  And yet the fire never stops.  It howls in the distance, flames roaring upwards in beams of light, catching the night sky every once and a while.  And me, the whale, stranded here on the beach looking at the red tinted ether moving upwards into the heavens.  Here, on this horizon I can see the world and all its wonders.  I can see the stars as they flicker across the clear drought sky, flowing endlessly into a million starlit dreams.  I can be that whale, the dreamer, the inspirer.  I can tell of this world and many others.  I can speak of the energy I feel as my feet touch the cool brisk water.  I can feel the waves as they lather up the endless bleak scene.  I can touch all of this with my heart.  

And this is where I stand, with my heart on my shoulder, my personality in my pocket, and my mind locked in the treasure chest of my gut.  I can feel all of this because it is uniquely mine, and yet no one holds the key.  Only me, and I have it here in my hand.  I play catch with it day to day, I can thrown it into the sand, I can hide it so no one could find it.  This to me is what true liberty looks like; to live in the external world, and let other people live as well.  And they all have keys to their hearts, driven by heartfelt ideals.  Let the poets be poets, and bankers be bankers, and presidents be presidents, and children be children.  Because forever I wish to be that child, to build the castle of my own insane moral dreams.  But as of right now, I am a man.  A man that sheds tears from the slightest sensitivity, to explore the world through imaginative eyes.  I can go out on my porch feverishly and light up a smoke, to look into the night as if I was some sort of wolf trying to sense and catch my prey.  For my prey is truth.  And  the truth is that there is no truth.  

We magnify our energy from day to day.  As we rise out of bed we rejuvenate and start are day.  Some of us go to work, others have no work to go to.  We wake up in the world, with the breath of life lingering in our lungs.  We try not expel this energy, we reserve it for our own extremes.  Some of choose to wake to a compelling cup of coffee, others must take a refreshing shower, and some choose to put on a pair of sneakers and start our morning off with a run to restart the battery.  There is nothing wrong with any of this, each person has their own original way of starting the day.  And what happens after the beginning is over with?  We venture off into something new, to start a brand new adventure.  To start a day with endless possibilities and opportunities.  But most people, start to die monotonously automatically when they reach their final destination.  The place of utter disappointment, and sluggish laziness; their place of dull employment.  

I, on the other hand, start my day off with a yawn, a captive start to another entrenching day.  At first it starts off with boredom, a dull existence that wraps around my mind in an effort to make something out of myself.  What shall I do today?  My mind wanders aimlessly off as if some whistle blew to say ‘Stop!’ come back to the moment and recognize all that you have.  So I jot down on a piece of paper of what I have done recently, not what I want to do or what I have planned or what I want to accomplish.  I write down what I have accomplished, I write down what time I woke up, what I ate for breakfast, and my day starts from there.  

My energy tends to reinvigorate itself as I lay upon my bed as I flip through the channels.  Then I realize that there is much more to be done.  I choose to walk at times, even in the cold recesses of winter.  This is a period of quiet contemplation where I think of my friends, my family, a love that I can never have.  When I reach home, I decide to open a book, to steep back into the dream world.  With imagination and creativity at hand, and after a few chapters, my energy turns outwards and I need to jot something down.  So now I begin to write, sometimes in my notebook, other times on the computer, into poetic verses that I send across the internet so other people can be inspired by my energy, to feel what I feel, to reach out to those who like a good read.  Cause I know deep down, it is what I am good at.  I love to read and write, two of my favorite passions.  And somewhere a third momentum comes forward, the ability to study.  If you talked to any one of my friends or family, they all could tell you that I have always done good work, especially homework.  I know how to study, to research, to contemplate on the material I read and consume.  So now my day turns into an endless cycle of consumption, I need to do homework.  And this homework comes in so many facets, I mostly engage in music, sometimes in art, or other times in worldly events.  And all of this is energetic reservation.  I am big into that word.  Because I believe my energy needs to be expressed.  

Maybe that is why I am writing now late at night at one o’clock in the morning.  Because I need my outlet, I need my space, I need the energy to carry into something drastic.  Now I really do not need my writing to be heard or copied or even criticized.  I do it because I believe in my love.  I believe in my love for others, and I have faith in other people.  I have faith in that love, in that never ending cycle we call life.  And it is infinite and filled with creative energy.  We can all tap into it if we allow our hearts to be molded by it.  We have a hard time changing the world, every one wants to change the world.  They want to create more greenhouse gases, to save the rainforest, to help the ozone layer, to save people in middle eastern countries, to be a part of a radical group that wants to politically reform the human mind.  All these are noble ventures, but the noblest venture of them all is the changing of one’s heart.  Virtue and integrity are not external values, they are internal.  We can feel the energies and we can feed them.  Intelligence is gathered by the knowledge of the world, integrity is gathered by the knowledge of the heart.  I am a man of both, and I believe in both.  And I believe that when we have both, we create virtue.  Virtue is something we can hold onto, that we hold dear to our hearts.  And we can use virtue to make a change for the better.  Now I know I am not that much of a religious man, but I believe this is what Jesus tried to revolutionize.  He did not come to make a change to the political prowess, he came to transform mankind into loving divine individuals with insight and compassion.  

The truth is balance.  We must learn to balance our intelligence with integrity.  Not to compensate one for the other, but create unity in the matter at hand.  To use our energy not for the greater good, but to make a difference in our own lives and in our hearts.  To think spiritually about everything and to understand the truth about life.  As I said before that there is no truth, so why I am even speaking about it?  Life does not create truth, it creates life.  It continues and manifests itself in everyway.  Even down to the littlest snail that has no purpose in life.  It just lives to live.  It adapts to the environment, it has be careful where it walks, to be hesitant to violent invaders, but also to enjoy every waking moment of its existence.  And we as human being miss out of that enjoyment.  We get so rallied up over everything external that we truly forget about the internal.  We fret about everything, from our jobs, to our vehicles, from our homes to our families, from having the right figure down to what television show we are going to watch next.  We should not worry about petty little things as these, they all have ways of taking care of themselves.  When I notice life working, I smile.  Even if I do scare some people away.  I smile because I see people just being themselves, even if some do seem miserable, I find a way in living my own life day to day.  Moment by moment.  Breath by breath.  I can take this life and run with it.  And I love everything about it, my friends, my family, and even my lazy spoiled dog.  I can take my energy and do as I wish.  I can ride the spiral of my unlimited right and make it my own.  Cause in then end, when I reach towards the end of the roller coaster, I can say that I have no regrets and I could be peacefully sent back to that divine center that I consider be called: Heaven.