Untitled Nonsense

A Story by Glen Thompson

Kinda a journal entry that I wrote I guess.

One thing that I did not anticipate being this bad is the dysphoria. I feel like everything I do, everything I am, and everything I must continue to do has a large sign above it with flashing pink lights that spell out female. Little things, like my handwriting, the pens I use, my (body) hair, my voice. Everything about me just screams "femme!" But I know that this is ridiculous. I know that the way someone writes or the utensils that they use cannot be either masculine or feminine. Handwriting and pens are unisex, made for everyone of all genders. But my voice and my (body) hair? Well, those can be femme, unfortunately. And I feel (know) that they both are. My voice, which I once admired for how low it was, now sounds to me like f*****g Mitch Grassi's. And my leg hair? Arm(pit) hair? I once praised my body for its ability to grow such dark, thick body hair without any aid like T. Now it seems blonder than blonde. It seems like its practically nonexistent. Which, I mean, I know is not true. I know that I should feel very lucky for having so many naturally masculine features. However, I just feel like a constant piece of s**t for not having more masculine features. it does help to know that one day I'll be able to have them, but that's over two years from now when I can even start T if I'll even have the money for it. I've started shaving up, though. And hopefully, by this time in two weeks, I'll have a job. I want to put away 10 dollars in transition money every week. So by the time I'm 18, I'll have saved up around $1040. That's not really enough though. Maybe if I put 15 or 20 away every week, it will be better, or closer to my goal or whatever. I could have between $1040 and $2080 by the time I'm 18, is what I'm saying. However, if I got more hours, I could put more in. That doesn't include other things I need between now and top surgery, though. I mean, the therapy that I'd need, the hormones, the binders, the packers... I don't know how I'm going to do it, really. All I know is that I need to do it. I wonder if insurance will cover the therapy or hormones. That would be a great help. It would also be a great help to know how much some s**t costs

Top surgery:

Testosterone:

Binder: about $35 (gc2b)

Packer: $12-$200 (Mr. Limpy v. The Rod)

I'll see if I can talk to someone to figure it out.~

I'm debating on whether or not I want to come out to my chem table. Part of me does because that could potentially be about 3 more people calling me Glen and using male pronouns. However, I'm really scared that if I tell them, they'll either get like mad at me or ten other people will know. I don't want to lose them, or anyone else. However, it would be nice if more people could spread the word for me so that I wouldn't have to. Another thing that I did not anticipate being this bad is the dysphoria (as I read back through this, I realize that through the course of the few days break I took between writing each section of this, dysphoria was the thing that bothered me and I did not anticipate from the very beginning.) It literally always feels so s****y. And when I'm not at home, it gets worse because I feel so much more like a girl. Just being around other guys who are growing facial hair and jerking off and all that s**t makes me feel so invalid. Mrs.VanHoose called me Glen and it was really cool. I'm not sure why because other people call me Glen, but I just feel like I'm slowly gaining this small following of people that are just so nice and I'm just so f*****g happy that people call me Glen. I wish I could express to them how much it really means to me. I also wish that I could get my mom to call me Glen as well. I do not know how to get her to start calling me that without having to, like, have an actual talk about my being trans. I just feel like she'll make me feel even more invalid than I already do. And I already feel absolutely nothing like a boy on a good day, which really f*****g sucks. It's odd because whenever I'm at home, I'm feeling pretty masculine. But when I go out in public or to school, I feel like people are always looking at me, trying to figure out what I am. And I wish I could scream at them that I'm a boy. I'm a boy!!! I feel very awkward shifting my chest inside my binder at school. If at all possible, I like to avoid public restrooms, but I have to shift around stuff sometimes and it's so awkward to look Mr. McGrain in the eye, shove my hand down my shirt, and completely push my chest down the middle, all while maintaining eye contact for some unknown reason. I remember this time, probably this summer, when Harmony and I went to Buffalo Wild Wings. I felt so so masculine, yet the waiter still came to the table and said "What can I get you ladies to drink?" It made me feel so f*****g bad about myself. I thought I looked so masculine. I thought that I was passing so well, but when it, I don't know, comes down to it, I guess I just look like a girl. Sometimes I think that it's just because I'm so short, but Kaden is a lil bit shorter than I am and he still looks completely like a dude. I wish that I could just take some pointers from him on how to be more masculine while still maintaining the adorable feminine gayness that he has. I asked Rachael tonight if she could call me Glen instead of Glenna, and within like 30 seconds she responded with "sure thing glen" WHAT THE F**K! What did I do to get such a supportive a*s sister!?~

I got a job. I'm very excited to start earning money. Also, I met a boy named Max. He's sweet as f**k. He called me Glen and he the very first time I corrected him, and he hasn't messed up once. Also, Rachael didn't call me Glen. I don't know if she just forgot or what. Also, I put Glen on my All-County Choir audition form, and my choir director changed it to Glenna. She approached me and said "Oh, well both of them are you so it doesn't matter (:" Okay f**k that it took so much courage to put Glen because I knew that the moment I did would be the moment that my name would be published in something as Glen. So yeah, f**k you, Mrs. Griffin.