Madness

There is madness in the beating heart, and it pumps madness through my veins.

There is madness beating in my heart and it pumps through my veins. I feel it in my bones, on my fingertips, my lips. My eyes widen as I realize I am mad with the crazy idea of love. I am almost to the point where I am obsessed with the simply insane idea of falling madly in love. Is it so crazy to want to stare into a man's eyes and see that you are nothing less than everything to him? Well, how cliche. I know I know, and what has brought on this insane rant? Well lately I have been going through this weird phase where I am trying to be honest with myself, which makes me want to be honest with everyone else. Why in a story form? Because that is what I do best, write stories.

So anyway, I want to love like I have literally never loved before. That's the problem with the world, it's easy to find someone to gain attention and love from, but it's the real challenge where you deliver the exact amount of affections back. To love and be loved it all really has a point, a real meaning that not many people care to really think about. There are the pretty girls who can get any guy she wants, but does she treat him right? Probably not. Then there's me, not the easiest on the eyes, but has the biggest heart you will ever know. Plus I'm funny sometimes and no need to worry about me cheating, there is no way I could find a second person to be attracted to me.

I am the girl who is wholeheartedly ready to find a man to love, cherish, and simply live with. I'm not talking that one-sided love that the girl is considered the clingy-crazy. What I crave is a loving touch, a sensual caress of my bare skin. I am infamous for finding the boy who is so uninterested it physically hurts me. I'm not a simple being, but I promise I will not be complex. I will not confuse you with riddles or constant vague statements, I will tell you how I'm feeling, why I feel this way, and how I plan to fix it. I know that one day I will make a wonderful girlfriend to some very lucky man, it's the problem of starting a conversation. I seem to get all awkward, struggle with my words, and never know what to say next. I just sit there letting my face get red as a tomato while the guy just sits there watching me unravel.

Or I see an attractive man, feel my groin crave him and what do I do? Picture our life together. Example: There is a boy in my acting class, Joe, whose last name I had just learned, and he's beautiful. That is all I know about him, that he is attractive. I don't even know if he already has a girlfriend, which could make this story I'm about to tell you highly inappropriate. He won't even accept my friend request on Facebook and I still get all hot and bothered when I look at his face. I could get into he frumpy details of how I feel about myself, but I will save you the pity party I must throw myself in order to get my self esteem in a suitable place.

Anyway, back to Joe, would I ever tell Joe any of this? Hell no. Would I write him a letter? Maybe. Would I write him a story? Many. Let me make this painfully clear, I know nothing about Joe nor does he know me, I'm not even sure if he knows my name. I can tell you this, when I picture our life together, we're happy. We're in love and no one or nothing can bring us down, because all we need is love. I know how cliche. It's madness! A boy I know nothing about and I can picture us living and functioning as the happiest couple, but that is simply because I am confident that I could make any man feel happy and loved.

As I picture Joe in my mind's eye I create him to be this painfully romantic, witty, Prince Charming fellow who falls for me just as hard and fast as I fall for him. Which is my problem, which is how I grow so attached and sensitive to these boys. I create them to be someone who is too perfect, I mean I throw in some flaws just make them human, but nonetheless, I fall for someone who isn't really real. I fall in love with an image and am ripped into a million pieces when they deny me, or my friend request on Facebook.

So, when does this become a story? Right now, but I thought it time to tell the story behind the story. Madness right?

I was late, so very late and when it came to my acting class being late was near unacceptable. My professor was very anal about punctuality especially on performance days, like today. As I rushed towards the theatre I searched my brain madly for the best excuse any person could think of. Suddenly a very angry looking boy wielding a broken long board shouted out to his friend ahead of him.

"Damn, brand new too-" Thinking too quickly, I couldn't stop the words coming from my mouth.

"Oh, hey I'll take it off your hands." he stopped and stared at me as if to make sure I was talking to him, the only other person on the side walk.

"Sweet, I can't bare to look at her." He handed me the pieces and started off.

"Wait! What's, uh, her name?" Already formulating the perfect story in my mind, I only needed the little details.

"Windy Day." I stared at him unbelieving, then turned on my heels and sprinted towards the building to make up for wasted time. Bursting through the doors, I ran down the hall past some very confused people and caught my professor right as she was closing the door. Slipping in I held up the board, probably not really needing the excuse after all, but it was too good to waste. Plus I already had the necessary prop.

"You would not believe my luck," I paused to look over my audience, then my professor. "I was riding along, when out of know where a white girl balancing her phone in one hand texting and a Starbucks coffee in the other skittered in front of me. I swerved to avoid her and smacked right into a boulder the size of Tom." Pointing to the beauty with dreadlocks. "Sure enough I hit that rock just right, where Windy Day snapped and I had to bail, but," Pausing once more for dramatic affect I held up my coffee cup as if making a toast. "Didn't spill a drop of coffee." some chuckled, most just wanted me to sit down so we could start class, but I noticed one face seemed curious and I knew it was because he was an actual long boarder. He was also extremely attractive and in every one of my fantasies.

Anyway, I threw broken Windy Day in the garbage and took my seat. Trying to calm my racing heartbeat and ignore the look I wasn't sure I was receiving from Joe a coupe seats away. Joe, the attractive long boarder I mentioned earlier. If I could I would dedicate so many love songs to him and serenade him to sleep every night. It's creepy thoughts like that, that is the reason why I am still single.

So, class begins and we watch people perform their assigned scenes, but that's not the important part. I sat at the edge of my seat as the professor stood at the front of the room and informed us we had enough time to hand out the next scene assignments. I hoped it was something good, better than what I ended up with this time. Maybe something with action, or an actual thick plot line. What I didn't see coming was my professor calling my name, then his beautiful name after.

"Menna and Joe has Sunlit Roses." She handed Joe, then me our scripts and moved on like it wasn't a huge deal what she had just done. She had paired me up with one of the most attractive people in the class. She assigned us a romance. Scooting a few seats over so I could sit next to Joe, we didn't say anything to one another.

"Now, remember some of the scenes do have a kiss, but there are ways of working around them if you do not want to kiss, that's fine." I casually flipped through the script and sure enough, as if a token from god there were the words. Kenny leans into Melody for the ending kiss. Holy good, sweet baby Jesus.

"I'm okay-" We had both started talking, so I stopped, but he did too.

"Go ahead." We said together. I bit my lip and refused to speak until he said whatever it was he wanted to say.

"Um, I'm okay with doing the kiss. I mean I feel like it really completes the scene and if we don't then it will uh..." He trailed off. He was afraid I wouldn't want to do the kiss. Boy was he mistaken.

"Takes away from the magic. I mean the scene loses its intensity if we try to replace it with anything else." He nodded rigorously.

"Right, right. That's what I was thinking." Then it was the same awkward silence I seem to always run into when talking to attractive men. "So, you long board." He said casually. I smiled and I felt the reddest of roses bloom across my face. 

"No. I do not. Actually that was just a really unnecessary excuse I made up for being late." He seemed to deflate. And I blew it.

"You interested in learning?" I think my heart stopped. No, I can hear it pounding in my ears. I had thought about asking him to teach me, but bit my tongue.

"Actually, I am extremely interested." Without meaning to, I had just hit on him and he seemed to love it.

"Me too." He did love it. Wait, did he just tell me he's interested? Am I dreaming? Hallucinating? This cannot be real, nothing like this ever happens to me. "I mean, I can teach you. Since we'll be spending so much time together on the scene, why not throw in some long boarding?" Mr. and Mrs. Beautiful, oh I know we could be. My heart was racing so hard, I was almost sure he could see it beating through my shirt. I rubbed my hands on my jeans, hoping to remove most of the sweat gathering.

As the professor excused the class, Joe and I stood at the same time and almost ran into each other. I have never met another human being that I affect as much as they affect me.

"Uh, sorry. So, should I get your number?" I giggled, yes I giggled and waited for him to get his phone ready. Reciting my number he typed it in quickly, then looked to me as if wanting to say something, but didn't know how.

"M-e-n-n-a." The spelling of my first name could be tricky I mean is it one n or two, my last name is a no brainer. Feeling my bag vibrate, I struggled to dig my phone from the depths of my Areopostile tote. Finding my phone I see an unknown number texted me "Joe :)". Butterflies erupted in my belly and fluttered through out my entire body and escaped through my smile. Peering around the room we were alone, even the professor had left.

I shuffled down the row and jumped from the platform, Joe right behind me. Exiting the classroom I couldn't help, but notice that our arms brushed every so often. I wanted to say something, anything really, but I was too flustered and didn't want to say anything stupid. He held the door open for me and as I exited he asked,

"You're a Sophomore right?" I giggled again, but covered it by clearing my throat obnoxiously. 

"Freshmen, actually." I said looking to the sky and trying to stop my knees from shaking. Okay, Menna, calm down, just talk to him. He's only a person. A beautiful, funny, and beautiful person. That's when I stopped in my tracks. Joe took two steps about to say something else, then realized I had stopped. Turning to me, he cocked his head curious.

"It's funny. I barely know you. All I know is that you're beautiful and I'm attracted to you." I cannot believe I said that. Oh, please let lightning strike down and kill me now.

"Oh?" He said raising his eyebrows. Please say something else. "Well, my name is Joe and I like to long board." Then he told me some very random, but useful facts about himself. He kept walking with me, even though I was sure he lived in the apartments and I was heading towards the Towers. Then something even more beautiful happened: I spoke back to him evenly, fluently and we had an actual conversation. 

He walked with me and we talked all the way up until we were standing in front of my dorm door. I played with the keys and turned to him. It was like we were from a scene of a bad teenage movie.

"So, do you wanna to start practicing right now." Was he excited to- No. But could it be that he wanted to- No. Kiss me.

"As much as I really would love to do that, I actually need to grab my stuff for my next class then right after that I have to drive home for a dentist appointment." I was sincerely devastated, but I was trying to play it cool for Joe. He seem to deflate and my heart pounded, my spine tingled and I wanted nothing more, but to grab this man by the face and kiss him until we absolutely had to break it for air. 

"Oh, sorry I should've asked if you had another class before following you to your room like a creep." He chuckled nervously and I was still getting used to him being flabbergasted by my presence. 

"I'll be back Friday and am free after seven, if that's not too late." I tried for confident, but ended up saying it as I felt, like I was an idiot.

"Yeah. No, it's not too late, that sounds great."

"And we'll have the room to ourselves, because my roommate will be out of town." Why did you just that?! You sound way too desperate.

"Even better." He said, his eyes hooded. Is he leaning? Is he LEANING!? What do I do. Don't close your eyes yet.

"Hey girl!" One of my hall mates called out as she passed us. I noticed she gave Joe a once over, then her best smoldering smile. She is so much prettier. Then Joe did something amazing, he turned back to me and gave me his full attention and didn't give her sashaying butt a glance. Our eyes locked and I was at a complete lost for words. Dark brown, I never noticed his eyes were like melted chocolate. 

"Oh, I really have to go." I opened the already unlocked door, almost hitting my roommate in the face and closed it quickly. Leaning against it, I slid to the floor.

"Girl, he was beautiful." Jamie said putting her hands on her hips as if I had been withholding him from her.

"I know. He's my scene partner." My heart fluttered at the thought of the kiss.

"Why do you get all the classes with the attractive men." I sighed. I can look, but never touch. Except Joe, he was okay with the kissing scene.

As I walked out the door of my place of work, my phone buzzed from my purse. My forehead tingled in hopes for who it was, but by experience it was never who I hoped. "Looks like I'm early. Promise I'm not a creep." It was who I wanted, it was Joe. "No you're not early. I'm late. Sorry" I hurried to my car and was thankful it was the weekend so I could park in the Tower's lot.

Hurrying up the stairs I pause before the door into the hall, to catch my breath. Fixing the hair I didn't have, I entered the floor. Sure enough Joe was leaning against the wall outside my door. Hearing my approach he turns to me and smiles instantly, I was already smiling. 

"Sorry, I guess I should have said a little after seven." My face flushed as I unlocked the door.

"Probably." He said flashing me a smiling as he entered my dorm. "Wow it is really clean." He scanned the room as I entered behind him. Yes, I went on a deep cleaning rampage after he left.

"What can I say. I'm a neat freak."

"Oh, you would not like my apartment. I'm kind of slob."

"That's okay, oddly enough I like having something to clean up. Especially when I'm mad or stressed." That had potential of being a creepy sentence. Taking off my sweatshirt I hung it on the hook. Joe followed my lead then followed me to the bedroom. I chuckled, but didn't tell him to leave as I changed out of my uniform. He was looking at the pictures of me and my rommie taped to the wall as I removed my pants. 

"You guys are cute-" Turning towards me I was just pulling shorts from my drawer. He turned back around quickly and ran into my desk. "I'm sorry I didn't realize-"

"Oh relax. Someone's gotta look at it." By it, I meant my naked body. He didn't turn back around, just stayed glued to my desk, his hands gripping the back of my chair. Pulling on my shorts, I get a T-shirt from a different drawer and pull it on as I walk to sit on my bed.

"So, have you read through the script at all?" I asked digging in my school bag for my paper script.

"You're funny it's been one day." He plopped down next to me and I could smell his cologne. I felt a tug on my groin and crossed my legs.

"Right. Of course." I found my paper and read through the first few lines. It seemed like Kenny and Melody were fighting and she was leaving the country. That escalated quickly.

"We should start on page eighty eight." About five lines before the kiss.

"Or we could start with practicing the kiss. I mean we would say our lines them awkwardly look at each other for permission to kiss. First we should get used to kissing each other so it flows right away." I turned to face Joe on the bed and he scooted closer. He leaned in slowly, I followed his lead. I tilted my head slightly and closed my eyes, parting my lips. My heart raced, my legs numb and I thought for sure I would combust. My spine literally felt like it had melted down to my feet and I figured I was going to mess this kiss up so much, he wouldn't want to kiss me in the scene. Our lips met and that was my first kiss in six years. I wasn't sure how long it was suppose to last, but my hand seemed to move at it's own accord and touch Joe's face gently. His hand reached out to my hip as we broke the first kiss. I wanted more, no I needed more. He knew, he could see it in my stare, feel it in my touch, so he kissed me again. This time I opened my mouth to invite his tongue. This would be a first and it felt almost natural, like I was doing it right.

I must have been doing something right, Joe placed his remaining hand on my other hip and pulled me onto his lap, so I was straddling him. Oh, goody, tonight is just full of firsts. I slip my hands into his hair, pressed my belly to his torso and he wrapped his arms around me in a tight hug, as if he was losing control. Then I felt it, his erection. So, I was capable of turning a man on, sexually frustrating them like they've done to me for years. I saw them, the images of Joe and I being a happy couple. I pulled away and stepped off of Joe and backed away until I was leaning against the door.

"I'm sorry." He was apologizing for the boner. He tried to cover it with his shirt, but I stepped forward and held the tops of his hands.

"It's not that, really. I was afraid I would maul you." I said honestly. This was against every moral I've held true throughout high school. I don not kiss strangers and I don't have sex with them. With Joe, I really wanted to though, I felt the burn in my womanhood. It was the pictures in my head that made it feel right with Joe, it was the images I painted so beautifully that made me want to trust him.

"I want you Joe. I want you bad." He seemed to let out a sigh of relief.

"I want you-" I stopped him with my lips. I couldn't resist.

"Do you want me, or do you want to get laid. I have made it very easy for you. Inviting you into my lonely room late on a Friday. I need you to want me for me. No, I need you to need me." It was dramatic, but it's how I always felt and it was what I always imagined. I want a man who needs me just as much as I need him.

"Are you hungry?" He asked oddly cheery. I was actually famished.

"Yes."

"Well, put something nice one, maybe after I leave the room or I won't be able to control the monster," he winked. He winked. Oh there would be nothing but willingness. I smiled. "And I'll take you out to dinner. Somewhere nice. Like Olive Garden."

"How about Italian Oven."

...

Here we are, it's my second year and he holds my hand as we walk out of the University Center. The sun is shinning and my boyfriend is ridiculously handsome in the golden light. As we stop to wait on traffic he pulls me in for a chastise kiss and I blush as a horn honks. Still not crossing the street I press my hand to his face and he closes his eyes at my touch. He held my hand to his lips and kissed the top of my hand gently. Pulling on his face I kiss his forehead, nose, then his lips. Another honk causes us to pull away and resume our walk.

I lay on his bed, my hands cradling my head. My hair is getting long and I am thankful to not only look, but feel pretty again. He jumps on the bed beside me and nuzzles my neck.

"You look beautiful." I smile and roll over to my side so I  face him.

"You look beatifuller." I said kissing his nose. He smiled and tucked the hair covering my face behind my ear. Tugging on my head, he pulled me to his lips.

He stands behind me as I cast out my line and he slides his hands over my hips and links them over my belly. I lean my head against him and turn into his neck. I felt a tug on my line and reel it in only to find the hook empty.

"You're reeling in too early." He said taking a sip from his beer.

"Oh yes ol' wise one." I chuckled and cast out again.

"What did you say to me." He said sternly, but couldn't hide his smile.

"No, I'm trying to fish-" He scooped me up in his arms and I dropped my pole. He spun me around and I couldn't help my whooping laughter.

He was still asleep, so I just propped my head against my hand and watched as his chest rose and fell. I loved seeing him asleep, he was completely relaxed and I didn't think possible, but that much more handsome.

"It's not nice to stare." His voice startled me and I laughed as he peeked through one eye then opened the other. I caressed his face and he wrapped me up in his arms. I cried out in laughter and he shushed me.

"Sh, you'll wake the roommates." Then he paused to let a grin overtake his face. "Oh wait," yes we were alone in our own place. I crawled over him and ran from the room, Joe chasing after me.

... These are some of the images I see flash before my eyes. Like I said, I think it's time I be honest with myself and everyone else.

The End

Author's Note

It's time for change.