Someone worth Fighting For

She isn't worried about fining someone to fight for, she wants to be the girl worth fighting for.

Someone worth Fighting For

His five year old self didn’t quite understand why grownups went all weird when it came to babies. He just stared as his mother, the most beautiful lady he had ever seen, handling another new born baby that she had delivered. She placed it in its bassinet gently, as if any sort of jostling would ruin the baby’s loveliness.

                “Come here son, look.” She said softly to the young boy and he hopped down from the chair. Looking down at the baby, the boy couldn’t help, but feel bothered. It’s just a smaller human, so why all the fuss? Just then two more kids entered the room. It was his best friend and some young girl with two silvery blonde braids. His friend was holding a raggedy doll just from her reach and though she sounded upset, she had a smile on her face.

                “Well, who is this?” The nurse said looking to the two children, her eyes shining with the suspicious hope of a love story, as she smiled at the sight of them. The nurse’s son didn’t listen as the young girl introduced herself, he was distracted by a wail coming from the other room.

                “I have a baby sister!” The little girl explained. The nurse took a hand from each of the boys and led the crew towards the wailing.

                “I believe I know who you are talking of.” The nurse said to the small girl, recognizing her as the excitable little thing outside of the room she had assisted a delivery in. Entering a room filled with new babies the nurse’s son looked around unenthused, until he saw a certain basinet that he didn’t understand why he had the curious urge to peek inside. Approaching the baby’s bed he paused just before looking at the thing nestled in the pink blanket. Looking to his mother he found her distracted with the small girl prancing about the nursery, his friend following like a lost puppy dog.

                Finally glancing at the small being in the bed, he couldn’t understand the stirring within. Not in any of his five years of life did he feel what he felt just then, nor would he again, not nineteen years later, when he would see these brownish eyes again.

                “That’s her!” the small girl said stopping by the nurse’s son, his friend close behind. The nurse looked doubtful as she looked at the name tag around the baby’s ankle.

                “I’ll be,” she whispered. “You’re right.” The small girl beamed and the boy blinked slowly at her, looking back to her baby sister.

                “She’s very beautiful.” He whispered, a blush spreading across his already red cheeks.

                “You love her!” She cried out, pointing a finger. “You love her! You love my sister!” The boy didn’t argue, not even when his friend joined in with the endless chanting, instead he looked back to the baby and smiled and she smiled back.

…

                I remember the lush grass cradling my bare feet as I swept across the yard to greet more guest. I remember the feeling that swept up my spine when I spotted an unfamiliar face with my sister and her boyfriend. I couldn’t explain the squeeze in my heart as I closed the distance between us, but I couldn’t help but bite my lip.

                “Oh, my baby sister, graduated and nineteen!” My sister took me in her arms and my face was lost in her yellow hair, but my eyes were fixated on the man with them. I opened my arms to her beloved without removing my gaze from those blue eyes who only looked back at me curiously.

                “Oh, this is James.” David informed me, Ann just smiled, slinging an arm around David’s waist. James held out his hand to me and I grasped it firmly, a shock seemed to buzz up my arm and struck my heart. It seem to make me squeeze his hand even tighter.

                “Marie. And welcome. Food is by the barn and take trip down memory lane in the house.” I said gesturing to each destination with my pointer and middle finger. Releasing his hand I turn on my heels and sashay away from the group as quickly as possible. Sue finds me hidden in the barn with a tray of cookie dough Oreos.

                “What the hell?!” She exclaimed looking me up and down. “That is not how a lady sits in a dress.” She placed her hands on her hips and shifted her weight to one leg. I didn’t respond, just shoved another cookie in my mouth.

                “What is wrong with you? More guests are showing up by the minute!” She seemed stressed and I would have giggled if the circumstance was different.

                “Do you believe in love at first sight?” I asked very quietly, already hating myself for asking. I closed my eyes to avoid her confused, almost mocking expression.

                “I’ll believe it when I see it.” She said very seriously. I opened my eyes to find Sue in a very rare moment of solemnity. She approached me slowly and squatted to look me in the face.

                “This wouldn’t have to do anything with mystery man walking down your memory lane?” So, James made it into the house. Probably to get to know the graduate whose open house he has found himself dragged to.

                “I mean how stupid is the concept of ‘love at first sight’?!” You know nothing of them. Not the way they chew their food, or if they sort their lights from their darks, or how they laugh if it’s obnoxious or not!” Sue giggled and shook her head.

                “Marie, if anyone knew anything of love at first sight, it would be you.”

                “His name is James. He came with Ann and David.” I said looking away from her again, lost in those blue eyes once more. I heard a laugh I didn’t recognize, yet it sent chills that started at my toes and ended at my forehead. I heard a group of feet climbing the loft steps and three heads popped up to peer at Sue and I.
                “There you are, Marie.” Ann said, leading David by the hand to me, James close behind. Every step he took towards me, echoed in my head. I couldn’t explain what was happening within me, but I didn’t really want to either. All I knew for sure was it is very rare for a baby to smile when it’s only a few hours old, but even more rare to feel your heart literally skip a beat at the sight of another human.

…

I’m not sure how I ended up here, but I was sitting in a closet hugging my knees in my best party dress. It was white and cascaded all the way to my knees, which is a dress length that is rare now-a-days. I realized this party was a horrible mistake the moment my sister suggested we leave the bar and hit up a house that consisted of all of her “friends”.

                It was my twenty first birthday today and everyone besides me was drunk. We had bar hopped, just me, Ann, and David, but then we found our way here, where I find myself residing in a closet that smelled of cigarette smoke and cat pee. I had lost my shoes somewhere in the living room, where a man was trying to hit on me and give me a foot rub. He was highly disgusting and if it wasn’t for James shoving him away from my bare feet, I’m not really sure what I would have done.

                Oh, yes James is here, he greeted us on the front lawn. He warned us that we should leave, but Ann was sucked in too quickly by a group of loud girls in low cut, glittery tops. The moment James caught the attention of the drunken man at my feet, I shot straight out of that room and stumbled my way into this nice and lonely space. I heard David calling for me, but I wasn’t ready to talk to anyone yet.

                I had no say in the matter when the closet door swung open, and James shuffled his way in, closing himself in quickly. Sitting across from me, Indian style, he studied me closely.

                “I’m okay.” I croaked, clearing my throat as a blush crossed my cheeks. In all honesty I wasn’t okay. As we bar hopped I had gotten myself a strong buzz and was feeling a bit queasy, and scared for my virginity. James’ blue eyes shone through the darkness and the worry was written all over his face.

                “I’m okay, really. I may be young and inexperienced, but if there is one thing I refuse to be is fragile, weak. I’m not the kind of girl who falls for boys’ stupid tricks and I have a good head on these shoulders. I will wait for him, but more importantly, I will wait for him to chase me. I need to be worth the risk no matter what they are, because you must know it’s just as much of risk for me as it is for him.” He listened carefully to my words and I could tell by the flush in his cheeks that he hadn’t drank that much tonight.

                “You’re right. You should wait for him.”

                “I have been, but people keep telling me I need to take risks, and be that hot b***h who demands respect from guys, but you and I both know I’m not that girl. I’m a girl who has had two boyfriends in her life time and has never tongue kissed. I’m desperate for love, but never desperate enough to settle.” I paused to meet his gaze.  My insides churned and my blood boiled in my veins. I was full of anger, fear, and the deepest of sadness that was threatening to bring me to tears at any second.

                How much more rejection will I have to take. How many more lonely nigh will I have to endure until it is my time to love. My heart is full of this golden warmth that I want so much to share with someone. I want to find a man who will be the center of my universe as I am to him. I always promised myself I wouldn’t become that one night stand girl, but if we’re being honest I couldn’t have if wanted to. There seemed to be something wrong with me, with who I am.

                No one is never interested enough to pursue me. I can never touch anyone’s heart, they never want to keep me. I can never touch James in the way where I will be worth the risk that I will be worth the battle. I’m a flight risk, a good time he’s afraid to have. He doesn’t want anything serious, and I couldn’t get to him, no matter how right it feels in the world when we’re together. It’s always one sided when I feel, it’s always just me feeling.

                “Marie,” I held my breath, waiting for his words. “You’ll find him.”

…

                We were fighting, but I finally had him talking. I was getting ready for my twenty third birthday celebration and James had surprised me with a visit. I was feeling relived that I had finally found time to clean my room, but a little light hearted, because this was his first time in this part of my sister’s house, though I’d had been living with the happy couple for three years. I feel that James and I have made progress over the years and though I hate to admit it, I had been waiting for this moment for five long years.

                “I can’t help, but feel like I’m the one holding you back.” He said slowly, trying to keep his composure.

                “Holding me back from what?” I asked slipping my hoop earring through the hole in my ear lobe.

                “You know, from finding him.”

                “Finding who?” I was trying to get him angry. I wanted him to feel what I have been withholding from him for years. James finally had found his way to the doorway to my bathroom where I was now applying eye shadow. He gave me a stern look that was warning me not to push him any further. I was being childish and apparently when you hit twenty eight your patience wears thin.

                “Oh, you mean Mister Right. James, understand this, you’re not holding anyone back, but yourself. You thought dating what’s her face would snap me out of the infatuation I have with you and you were upset when it didn’t. Sorry I’m not looking anymore and no one has showed interest in me. That is not your fault. If anything it’s mine, there is just something wrong with me.” I brushed past him as I sweep into my bedroom looking for my deep plum heels.

                “There is nothing wrong with you-” He started, following me to my room.

                “Oh?” I sat on my bed after finding the heels and slipped them on. “I’m too fragile, I’m too young, I’m not what they’re looking for, they can’t give me what I want.” Those were the reasons he gave me. I stood to enclose the distance between James and I.

                “Why don’t you tell me what the real problem is, and maybe I can officially move on. All the excuses and vague thoughts you’re giving me do nothing, but anger me. You tell me what’s wrong with me and maybe I can fix it and move on. You tell me what I’m doing wrong.”

                “You’re doing NOTHING wrong!” His volume silenced me, he didn’t frighten me, but I saw the regret in his eyes immediately. He took a step away from me, but I grabbed his sleeve.

                “For once don’t walk away. Don’t give me reassuring words, or tell me what you think I want to hear. Tell me how you really feel and what you really think. Why don’t you want me?” He took the step back towards me and then another one. I didn’t release his sleeve.

                “Back when you first admitted your feelings it was because I thought you were too young. I didn’t want to interfere with your college experience-”

                “Bullshit.” He had dated many nineteen year olds. He sighed frustrated and averted his eyes to our feet.

                “You were a virgin!”

                “I still am.”

                “You were my best friends little sister and she told me no. She was completely creeped out that I even asked to have- uh.”

                “Sex with me. You wanted to f**k my brains out, what changed your mind?” Finally after all these years of petty excuses, I was finally going to get my answers.

                “You did.”

…

                I took the final long drag from my cigarette, then snuffed it out with the bottom of my heel. I wasn’t a smoker, but yet here I was finishing off a pack of Newport's. I stared at the brick building with distaste, already missing my three bedroom home that I shared with my sister and her soon to be husband.

                “Happy Birthday.” I whisper at my new apartment building. It was the first stop for the most recent story I was writing. I wanted to try to live where my character lived in whatever story I was working on. Now seemed like the greatest time to start my adventures. He was engaged. No not David, I mean he was engaged too, but why I have decided to move out of my home state and take up smoking was because James had proposed to the awful wench. Two years ago I had gotten my answers and I had thrown him out of the house.

                “Hello.” I turned to the voice that was speaking at me and it was my land lord. Very handsome man about my age, married with three kids. He was twenty five, still had his whole life before him and he was tied down with shitlings. I sigh and smile.

                “Yes?” I ask sweetly. He stepped down from the stoop and held out two keys to me.

                “Blue is to your front door, yellow is to your mailbox.” He turned on his heels and disappeared back inside. I looked to the third floor and wondered which window was mine. Oh, you’re probably wondering about James. Well, turns out I did touch him with my golden warmth of love. I touched him so deeply he didn’t find himself worthy of me. When he first said he couldn’t give me what I wanted, he simply meant a serious relationship, but as time went by he started to feel that he couldn’t give me the love I deserve.

                He didn’t think he was capable of loving me the way I should be loved, though he did love me. He thought that since he could easily convince himself that he didn’t want me, because of the petty excuses of age and virgin status, he didn’t deserve me. He thought of me every day, for hours at a time sometimes. He would lie to himself just so he could fall asleep. Every time we saw each other, it physically pained him not to be near me, but he feared he would lead me on. He was in a constant battle with his mind and heart.

                None of that matters now. He is getting married this time next year. We haven’t spoken since David told me of the engagement, so today makes six months. I’ve never gone this long without talking to him, which is weird to think about. When distance and time is the only thing to separate us, it couldn’t. We would laugh, we would hurt, but we would be together. II can never look him in the eyes again if it meant another lie. He was with her and still refused me, and now I know I will never find someone, because my someone is forcibly tying himself to woman he doesn’t love.

                “Hello.” I didn’t realize I was even answering my phone until I heard his voice.

                “Marie.”

                “James.” I whispered.

                “Remember when you were a baby?” I smiled, a tear rolling down my cheek.

                “Not much, no.”

                “I do.” I made a face as I tried to sob silently. “I mean I didn’t understand the fuss about babies until I saw you. You were the most beautiful baby I had ever seen.” I fell to my knees. “I mean you don’t understand much as a five year old, but I never forgot that day. I held you that day and I can’t help, but think it is so wrong that I haven’t held you since.” My palm was flat against the sidewalk as I opened my mouth, a rope of spittle reaching out to the concrete.

                “Go away James.” I said harshly, unable to control my volume.

                “I ended the engagement the day you boarded that plane to fly away from me.”

…

                It is still my twenty fifth birthday. Boxes scatter my apartment and the pitter patter of little calicle feet skitter about the place. Chester, my cat, was starting to find his hiding places, napping spaces, and each unknown crevice that I would probably never look for. I stood by the window hugging myself, looking up at the full moon. My heart physically ached and I couldn’t help, but picture a small boy holding a little baby girl.

                I heard the story dozens of times from Ann and my parents, even from James’ mother herself. I had smiled up at James as if he was the only person I ever wanted in my world, or that’s how the nurse told it. She was a sucker for a good love story, which I think is why she favored me. I’m a writer, a damn good one, and I can come up with the loveliest stories. I remember her pulling me aside one summer’s day as James helped his sister with the grill.

                “I’ve never seen him glow like he does when with you. He has that same dopey love sick look in his eye that he did when he was five.” She touched my forearm to bring my attention to her and off of her son.

                “I’m afraid more of a big brother look.” I said covering the catch in my throat by taking a drink from my beer.

                “Oh no, no, no, don’t you think that for a second missy. He looks at you the way Jimmie looked at the sandwiches I made him when we were married.” I giggled at her comic relief, but felt my heart sink still. “I’m serious, dear. I don’t know what he’s waiting for, you’re perfect for each other.” I took another drink, looking over James carefully.

                “What makes you so sure? It’s been, what, three years since we met at my open house. I’m almost out of college, I’m about to start writing my future, and James makes it seem like he wants no place in it.” I looked over at her and she sighed dramatically.

                “I never imagined I would see that smiling baby again,” she looked to me with glossy eyes. “I never thought I’d get a divorce, and I never thought my son would settle down. He’s rambunctious, but if anyone was to tie him down, it would be you darling.” She wrapped an arm around my waist and hugged me tightly.

                “Boys are stupid.” I say, finally revealing the catch in my voice.  A knock at my door brings me back from the memory. Both his mother and father had hoped we’d end up together, I even saw them before I left for Carolina.

                Chester meowed and ran for the door, as if to greet our guest. I couldn’t seem to find my voice, but he came in none the less. His blue eyes shone through the darkened room and he didn’t hesitate as he crossed the living area and met me by the window.

                “Marie.” He seemed relieved. My frown quivered as his smile warmed my heart. I looked down at his neck and licked my lips, in attempt to sort my thoughts.

                “Six years and all I had to do was leave.” I finally said. I didn’t want to forgive him yet, I wanted to be angry. When I was angry with him I was able to think clearly. Then he touched my cheek in the gentlest way. I couldn’t stop the tears, the pain in my heart was too great. It was the red hot flame of hope flaring through my body and groin.

                “Why me-”

                “I have told you why, countless times. What I can’t tell you is why not you. I can’t stop feeling, no matter how many sleepless nights I’ve stayed up to talk myself out of wanting you. No amount of running, singing, or writing could clear you from my mind. But most of all, no man could touch me the way you did. For a while it seemed no one was going to try.” I had to stop to choke down the lump in my throat.

                “I talked to Ann.” He said quietly. I didn’t respond. “She didn’t know.” I laughed through my tears.

                “She didn’t know I loved you.” I lashed out towards him. His eyes widened and I knew my mistake the moment his lips parted in surprise. I had never admitted my feelings went as deep as love, I just figured he always knew. “She thought all I wanted was sex-”

                “Love?” He cut across my attempt to cover my error. “How did it get that deep?”

                “Well, it wasn’t because of sex.” I spat with fire at him, meeting his gaze. “You see, James, you don’t need to f**k to love, I have always been smart enough to know that. It’s your soul.” I closed my eyes. I didn’t care how idiotic I sounded now, we were passed that. “Your soul touched mine and understood mine better than anyone I have ever met on this planet.” More tears spilled from my eyes.

                “So much time. I have wasted so much time and you will never understand.” I whispered. That’s when his lips touched mine. For a moment I forgot how to breathe and my whole body turned into an over cooked noodle, but that was alright for James’ arms held me tightly. That was the first kiss, he pulled apart from me to question with his eyes if it was okay to kiss me again. I parted my lips and closed my eyes and he kissed me again. He didn’t stop for a very long time.

                “Wasted time is something I understand very well.” He murmured against my mouth. I slid my hands up his sides and held his face, looking closely into his eyes.

                “Now show me what all the hype is about.”

…

I woke with a start. My breath was uneven and my skin was covered in a thin sheen of sweat. My mind raced as I looked around my room, recognizing my surroundings. It isn't my birthday, I’m not twenty five and James is nowhere near me, physically or emotionally.  He is nothing, but a dream, a figment of my imagination.

He’s a smooth talker and extremely flirty, I think he realizes it, but always too late. Ann’s words rang through my mind. I’m nineteen, I’m on spring break and I lay in my bed in my bedroom at my father’s house.

                I confessed my feelings to my sister for her friend. I was afraid and I hoped she would be able to take away the thoughts of him, the hope for him. She did. Ann is one of James’ good friends and I am her little sister, he will never go for me. I knew this all along, but hearing it from Ann was the final cut of the heart string I needed.

                James made me feel in a way no man has ever tried, but he did it on accident. He wasn't flirting with me, because he wanted me, but because he can’t help it. I’m a female and he’s not gay, therefore I am a target of his affections. He made me feel, but by accident. I am no one special to him, and I let him fool my fragile heart.

                He made the bitter taste of loneliness go away for a moment and the images in my head made it seem so sweet, but he was nothing but another character in one of my stories. My heart is full of too much love and not everyone is worthy of it, but I am effortlessly convinced, easily mislead. The images in my head are always so good to me, even though they hurt my heart.

                I know one day I will love and I will love hard, but it won’t be him. I’ll find my love story, but in the meantime I need to let my soul dance and stop writing my own story and let everything just fall into place. I’ll learn to fall when I know he will be there to catch me. I’ll learn not to fight for what denies me. I will wait for someone who needs me and is willing to fight for me, for my love. 

Author's Note

Please be sweet to me. This is my first time showing people who aren't afraid to tell me the truth.

Reviews

[A. Amos]

Each word perfectly describes the romance... I admire your skills. You portrait love and betrayal in beautiful manner.good job