Monologues of Laughter

Awkward/Sarcastic Funny

 

Excuse me sir. I hate to bother you but you look very ugly...I meant familiar. I just can't put my finger on where I may know you from. Hmm, maybe you just remind me of someone. I highly doubt I would have come across an executive like yourself outside of a corporate setting. Who do you...Oh! I got it! You remind me of this cat from my college days that went by the name Richard J. Man Richard was that guy! He had all the gear and the honeys back in day. But hey, don't let this suit and tie fool you. I wasn't too far behind ole Rich. Anyways he had this bad girl, Simone was her name. Damn Simone was fine. After I laid eyes on Simone and them perky B cups, complimented by that gi-normous a*s, I knew right then I had to have her. It took a while to get her to fall for me, but I finally got that a*s "literally" haha. Here's the best part. She invited me over one evening when Richard J had just left out. When she opened the door I didn't waste any time. Before I knew it I was banging her out on the couch! I wasn't showing her noooooo sympathy! Well I guess Rich had forgot something, so he came back and caught me suplexing his girl. Haha he was pissed!! He chased me all around that house. Luckily I got out of there in one piece and never saw that half pinky b*****d ever again. Oh wow...Sir please don’t take offense to my last comment. I had no idea you were missing half of your pinky too...interesting...And that scar you got there on your chin, Rich same exact scar. Is that Johnson on your name tag? Richard Johnson...Uh oh…

 

Funny Sarcastic

Yes you sure can have my full name and date of birth. Maurice Coming, 02/02/88. No, Coming as in Going dip-s**t. What do you think? Yes Coming as in Coming. Wait, this brings back childhood memories. My teacher would ask the same dumb a*s question and I would be like "yeah as in Coming, except drop the O and add a U, then if you're up to it we can meet in your office to go over some examples during lunch"... Ms. Crutchfield, boy oh boy what I would have given to make juice out of that old prune. Those were the days. Anyways, I got a flight to catch so if you don't mind can you please hurry this identification process up? Thank you. What's your name by the way pretty lady? Wait! Don't Care! Wait! Today is opposite day. Am I serious? I'll leave that up to you to decide. Just know the pretty lady comment was the intro to this opposite day madness we got going on here. Alright I'm done with the harassment ma'am, and no it wasn't sexually. Have a good day...thanks again.

Sarcastic

I am addressing this community tonight as the President of the Neighborhood Watch Program that collectively, as group, we've agreed to incorporate. Now I have called this meeting for a few reasons. One being that it was requested by Mr. Jones back there, aka "Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome" according to Ms. Shaw...oops did that slip out? Secondly, I've heard there's a lot of concern about the activity that has been going on throughout the neighborhood. You know what's funny? No one has come to me so that we can confront these concerns. And I know what you all are thinking "I live here just like y'all do." Well I'm sorry Mrs. Gilchrist if I don't sit in the window all day, or walk my dog until it gets arthritis like yourself. I'm not singling you out by the way. All I'm saying ladies and gents is please come to me if there is any suspicion. In my book, Jarvis didn't get robbed the other day, Vanessa wasn't behind the school smoking the rock and David wasn't shot. Matter fact David's standing right there. I'm just playing no he isn't. Alright, that's all I have. Meeting adjourned. Oh and remember, let’s continue to keep our ghetto a*s neighborhood so safe even Bill Gates would stay in it.