Chapter 1

An introduction to the main character's philosophy. Can can literally see other people's hatred. But what is hatred really?

Chapter 1

It's a funny thing about hatred - it's way less common than you think. At the same time, hatred is way more common than you would ever imagine. Impossible? No. You just don't know hatred.

You know when you bite the inside of your lip and it jerks your jaw back into your head just a millimeter and it's the worst feeling in the world? You know that automatic pang when you jam your finger nail into one of those tiny convex blades when you're grating cheese and you wonder why you had to make yourself a plate of nachos? You know that maintenance guy at work who cropdusts your cubicle every Monday morning and it makes you afraid to sip your methane-contaminated coffee? Don't you hate those things? Allow me to rephrase. You Don't Hate Those Things. You might think you do, but you don't. You just don't know hatred.

What you know is annoyance. What you know is the familiar feelings of pain, shame, guilt, discomfort, fear, anxiety, resentment. Hatred is very different. Hatred is severe. Hatred is visceral. Hatred is special.

I don't know if everyone is capable of hatred, but I know that not everyone will experience it in their lifetime. Hatred takes a person beyond the normal spectrum of daily human emotion. Hatred removes you from reality. Hatred occurs when a person does something horrible, that they never thought possible. Hatred is so intense that it triggers a state of irrational reaction. Hatred ALWAYS results in violence. That violence does not always have to be physical. A person can have a violent emotional and verbal outburst. A person can have violent intentions carrying out some act of vengeance. But violence is the key. Without violence, hatred does not exist.

It's a funny thing about violence too �" hatred requires violence but violence does not require hatred. There is far more violence in the world than there is hatred. I bet you didn't see that coming. But think about it, wars are all violent, but soldiers are rarely hate-filled. Sports can be violent, but sportsmanship is typified by respect. Even just two rival sorority bimbos drunkenly catfighting outside of the world's worst Senor Frog's over a misplaced kitty-ears headband can be every bit as violent as it is hilarious, but that violence is not caused by hatred. It is caused by perceived injuries to unwarranted senses of self-esteem.

But let me get back to hatred. What we feel on a day to day basis is not hatred. Hatred is something much more...well let me just give you an example. It is 11:39pm on Wednesday June 7, 2017. I'm sitting on my recliner in my living room in Etobicoke, Ontario trying to explain to you what hatred really is, and 75 minutes away in a quaint ranch-style bungalow in Oshawa, a man named Matt is lashing out at his live-in girlfriend Kelly because instead of watching their infant child in the tub while he was on shift at the GM plant this afternoon, she left the poor kid alone in the bathtub so she could go update her blog. The bath seat tipped over and little Theo inhaled a lung full of bath water. The paramedics were able to save his life, but tonight, as Theo lay sleeping in his crib, Kelly may not be able to save her own. This is not the first time Kelly has failed to provide Theo with the basic diligence to keep him safe. Actually, it's not the second time either. And with the combination of fear for the safety of his baby, the resentment that he is the sole breadwinner, the pressure of trying to keep this family together, Matt's brain has just taken a break. For Matt, those are the key ingredients in the pressure-cooker recipe for hatred. Matt could keep it together when Kelly was just ruining his life, but now she almost just let his baby die. The normally quietly resentful Matt has no hope to keep is composure tonight. He is consumed by true, legitimate, hatred.

First comes the yelling, then the swearing. Matt is pacing back and forth across the messy bedroom floor - oh yeah, she doesn't pick up after herself either. It's part of a death by a thousand cuts type of situation inside of Matt's short-circuiting brain. He's flailing his arms and huffing while trying to make Kelly understand just how much he hates her for what she's done today. Yup, he's using that term correctly. You see Matt can't control the words coming out of his mouth. He can't control his breath. He can't control that he doesn't see Kelly as the person with whom he fell in love and shared the most caring moments of his life. He doesn't see the frightened young woman cowering in the corner of the room, clutching her knees as she shakes with terror. He doesn't see the tears streaming down her cheeks or the disheveled hair matted against her forehead with sweat. He doesn't hear her cries or chattering teeth. Matt is not capable of seeing the vulnerable and remorseful woman in front of him. He sees a monster. Plain and simple. And monsters need to be slain. Matt is not a bad man, but it's just too much for him to handle. The hatred has taken over.

So there you go. There's your example of what hatred really is. True hatred is special, and nowhere near as ubiquitous as bit lips, cheese grater injuries, and gassy maintenance men. Hatred is way less common than you thought.

But this special character of hatred, I'm sad to say, is less exceptional than any person would hope. Matt's night has played out with different actors in different settings countless times. It's not as constant as annoyance, fear, resentment etc., but it is part of the human condition. We are not as in control of our impulses and motives as we think. And I can tell you for a fact, that acts of hatred occur more often than I can count.

Now I know you're probably thinking “That's not really hatred. That's just how you see it.” Well, sort of. I don't subscribe to the common colloquial notion of hatred. I don't buy into the simple dictionary definition of the word. I know that Merriam Webster is wrong to think that hatred is just extreme dislike or disgust. But no, it's not just how I see hatred. It's just that I see hatred.

Let me unpack that last sentence for you. I'm afraid that just like you've been misunderstanding the word “hatred” for so long, perhaps you misunderstand how I see hatred.

“I see what you mean.” No. You understand me. “I'll see what I can do.” No. You will make an effort but promise nothing. “I see you've met my brother John.” Yes. You can determine through visual stimuli that I have made acquaintance with your dull brother.

So let me be crystal clear: I. See. Hatred.

And I hate it.

Reviews

[Carol Cashes]

Good piece. Looooovvvvee the phrase "let me unpack that sentence...". Really tempted to use that in ongoing written communication with the VA. It could be said that Matt also has "blood lust". Would like to see your take in connection with the violence angle. Good job.