Congruity, Dichotomy or Some Other Pretentious Nonsense

Just writing without thinking too much... revised version at top, original at the bottom...

Poor attempt at Senryu poem:

Warm loving delights

Sweet mornings, tranquil evenings

Tonguing, grievous nights

 

Tempered enjoyment

Hopeful dawn, comforting dusk

Strange days, broken nights

Heartbreaking insights

Backbreaking reality
Strange mind, broken thoughts

 

A bone-breaking truth

Unveiled by web of sincere

loving little lies

13th of March 2015

Original:

Strange days
Broken nights
Sweet mornings
Comforting dusk

Grievous nights
Hopeful mornings
Broken thoughts
Strange mind

Heartbreaking joy
Backbreaking reality
Bone-breaking truths
Loving lies

Mai L. Nissen, April 2012

Author's Note

Art by Ditte løfgren
Ditteloefgren.com

Criticism and suggestions are well received...
Maybe someone has an idea how to make something of this?

My attempt at senryu poetry, suggested by ANTO, is not something I have done before... I always manage to make a short story really long - don't think this is what he had in mind... haha

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

I liked the poem. I took many writing classes. I can write formatted poetry and story. I believe better to allow words to fall into proper place. The Senryu was fine. The point was made and was understood. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Mai L Nissen]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Coyote! I am glad you liked it :)

[Coyote Poetry]

I did and you are welcome.

[J. K. Beach]

Nice to see the original version, Mai... I think the form is quite successful, each senryu a unique moment in time and the emotional progression is clear and complete, Well done!

[Mai L Nissen]

Thank you for the kind review, Jeff :)

[~]

A thoughtful series of senryu poems. It is like a maze full of intricacies.

[Mai L Nissen]

Thank you for your kind review :)

[Katethepoet]

"Heartbreaking joy
Backbreaking reality
Bone-breaking truths
Loving lies"
These lines are absolutely perfect, very nice poem.

[Mai L Nissen]

Thank you, Kate :)

[James O'Rourke]

Great work as always Mai!

For an "attempt" at a senryu, you sure know how to make it seem like you've been writing in this style for some time. As you know, I like to turn short writings into long, drawn out journeys. You may have stumbled into a style that can temper you usual poem length into something a little easier to swallow.

As I've mentioned, I like long poems, and I like what you do in your longer works. However, this piece may push me to try and get my own thoughts more concise. It'd probably be a great tool for word choice too.

Anyway, great stuff! Can't wait to read some more of your writing. TTFN! (Oh, Tigger...)

[Mai L Nissen]

Thank you for your generous review, James! Maybe you are right, maybe I should try to use this kind of style to avoid too dense and lengthy poems... Looking forward to read more of your stuff too!

[Nene]

I have no idea what senryu should be like hahahaha but I enjoyed it,,,, Don't know about poor but you used some amazing adjectives!!!!

[Mai L Nissen]

Thank you, Nene! I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment :)

[gorillarock]

"We're done lying for a living
The strange days have come and you're gone
Either dead or dying
Either dead or trying to go"

Had a hard time staying focused when I read the words "Strange days", always get Matt Good in my head and it's pretty much ear-worm poop from there lol

I enjoyed this, of course! (once I got the tune out of mind) I think the flow went very well from the start to end for a relationship, as if to summarize. I think the concise nature of this is an interesting perspective on what is at risk when falling in love (or just finding attraction even). As the reader, this feels like a shred of unbiased wisdom to consider. I did not feel as though I should dislike, feel sad, take a side, be enraged, etc. at anyone involved in this encounter... it's merely presented in a way that feels like "hey, this is how something went down. think about it". short. sweet. to the point. My compliments to the way you have been able to load each word, line, stanza to create a level of wisdom that's not often conveyed over so few words.

An aspect that helps this seem more like wise words is the clear conclusion to the raised conflict. I don't feel like there is much bleeding out and writhing that still continues when finishing this poem. The point of wisdom is the "bone-breaking truth". The flow speed leads to conclusion in my eyes. If you were to write one more stanza, I would think it's content would be of recovery, healing, and new growth... just to keep the pace up.

I think the unbiased and "outside looking in" feel to this comes straight from the lack of addressing anyone. No you, i, he, she.... just facts, states of mind, description, settings... it's much easier to keep your heart in place as the reader... at least for me! I duno, I've been outside shoveling wintergeddon here in eastern Canada for the last week, maybe my mind is a bit numb lol

Honestly, this poem is a chapter of life that I would not mind living. This was unbiased in feel, but i still empathize. The emotions that would have had to have been felt... (ugh, how i not run-on sentence?)... the emotions involved to lead to such powerful metaphors of breaking bones over the loss of something good... well there must have been intense love in the beginning! i have always felt that the pain of losing love is an equal reflection to the joy of having it. i would suffer the broken bones to feel the powerful love they represent, that is what life is about :D i would not mind this chapter, but of course i would rather find that love and have it until death. if this was written from an experience, then bravo for living the adventure! a life not wasted

when creativity fails me, your work is always such a great muse to write for! Keystrokes, keystrokes, keystrokes XD

thank you, sincerely !~!!~~

[Mai L Nissen]

I had not thought about whether or not to use 1st, 2nd or 3rd person. However, your perception of the poem is very much what I wanted to convey, what was stirring within me... there was no anger or blame, just a recognition of the risks that presents themwleves, when you allow life to happen! Certainly there was love in the beginning, perhaps even in the end despite how things may have turned out...

I am glad that you like it :)

[nazia]

This poor attempt is way better than many great attempts Mai :)'
loved both the pieces, excellent adjectives....
By d way it was yesterday only that I visited your page to check for something new.. thought you were MIA ;) lol

[Mai L Nissen]

Thank you for your kind review, Nazia! I am sorry, but I don't know what MIA stands for?

[ANTO]

Sorry for butting in Mai - I was just reading the reviews. i think you did an excellent job here with the senryu - my personal preferences would also include no Capitals - and seldomly used punctuation (definitely no hyphens unless a name e.g. Brighton-on-Sea).
MIA means missing in action :))

[Mai L Nissen]

Ah, okay! Thank you for clarifying MIA :)

If you think of the capital letters in the middle of a sentence, they were not purposely put there... It is a testament of laziness (copy/past action...) :)

[ANTO]

lol - as it was meant to be ...
a woman after my own heart :))

[Mai L Nissen]

Haha... Hm, laziness is rarely considered a good thing! :)

Thank you for suggesting senryu :)

[ANTO]

Tell that to the Sloth species - lazy to the core and still going after 35 million lazy years xDD

[Mai L Nissen]

Are you referring to the animal or you and your lifestyle? :p

[ANTO]

see avatar :)))) lol

[Mai L Nissen]

The last mentioned then! :) Though I cannot see the writing, what does it say?

Ooh, and in case you missed it - I not only suggested that you are lazy, but also that you have been for 35million years, which suggest you are ancient! XD

[Mai L Nissen]

Yeah, I know! It is pathetic to point out that I think I am being funny... But since you apparently did not respond with the same degree of enthusiasm corresponding to my funniness - I must assume that you missed it, and generous as I am, I gladly share instead of keeping the funny all to myself... XD

[ANTO]

I was pretending I didnt get that joke lol xDD

[Mai L Nissen]

You are so polite :) It wasn't all that funny... I just tend to think things to be more funny than most other would :D

Though, seriously! What does the writing say in the white box in your picture?

[nazia]

Guess I don't have to clarify the abbreviation Mai :p. Its a bad habit from loads of texting at college.. Intact even while typing the poems here I tend to use the text language a lot and then have to remind myself that this is not a gossip platform ;) :p

[nazia]

Its infact and not intact

[Mai L Nissen]

I don't mind that people use these types of abbreviations, I am just not familiar with these... Therefore, I ignorantly ask about them :)

[ANTO]

"The ultimate ignorance is the rejection of something you know nothing about yet refuse to investigate." - Wayne Dyer (please don't ask me who Dyer is, I don't know and ironically can't be bothered finding out)
The word in the white text box is 'Tyson' - the little dog's name , Mai, thanks for asking :))

[Jamestown]

I really enjoyed both styles and the fact that you show both
is a treat! I think you did well with what you call a poor attempt
better then most:) Thanks for the 2 for 1 deal! PTL!

[Mai L Nissen]

Thank you for your generous words, JT. I am glad you see it as a 2 for 1 deal! haha...

[jacob erin-cilberto]

i like the senryu...

i think the best poems are done without too much thinking...
heard a great saying in a movie once...
"the key to writing is to write, not think"

[Mai L Nissen]

Thank you for taking the time to read it!
- I love how you get around reviewing it without really saying anything about the poem itself :D That is quite polite of you, Haha...

However, what you did write i true :)

[jacob erin-cilberto]

that was not polite really...what i wrote is how i reacted to the piece...i really like the senryus and how you related them to each other.

[Mai L Nissen]

Oh, okay... Thank you :)