For Tea

A poem written to my friend, Tea. A response to a poem, she had written...

Revised 13th of March, 2015

You, who bear a burdened heart

In shadow’s silent shade

Withstanding winter’s cruelty

Battered heartbeats hibernate  

A clutched heart of secrets

In loneliness confined

I felt it open in my hand

The hurt overflowing

Pouring out into the light

 

In the light the hidden cannot hide

Original:

You, who bear a heart of secrets

I felt it open in my hand

The hurt overflowing

pouring out into the light

In the light the hidden cannot hide

 

Mai L. Nissen, November 2012

Author's Note

Art by Ditte Løfgren
Ditteloefgren.com

Criticism and suggestions are well received :)

Reviews

[James O'Rourke]

Wonderful poem.

Great imagery and emotion in this piece. A fairly heavy piece, but with a redeeming feel to it at the very end. This friend must have endured some harsh times.

I agree with ANTO a little. The period at the end of the second line seems unnecessary. Reading it aloud, I feel like it should flow right into the third line. The pause is an odd spot breathing wise.

Of course I could just be full of it. HA! I do the same thing when I punctuate (if I punctuate at all!) Maybe that's why I avoid punctuation. I don't have a doctorate in it or anything...

Aside from that period, I really enjoy this piece. More of your imagery and ability to evoke emotions are things I look forward to in the future. See ya round!

[Mai L Nissen]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, James. Your criticism is well received :) Regardless of whether you have a doctorate in literature or linguistics, I appreciate your thoughts!

[Coyote Poetry]

I liked both version. The older version seem stronger. Good to make the reader think and ponder more. Both poem were strong and a emotional ride in your words. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Moonie]

That's beautiful! I could almost hear music in the background-- slow violins at first, then acoustic guitars and finally a soft piano finish. And that made it all the more special. My favourite lines would be
"Battered heartbeats hibernate"
Only when we allow the light of friendship to pour in, can we experience the hurt pouring out.
Well done! :)

[Mai L Nissen]

Thank you for taking the time to read and share your thoughts! Your kind words are much appreciated :)

[Nene]

I felt it open in my hand
The Hurt overflowing.... touching lines... Went straight to my heart... I could almost feel the painn.... A very lovely poem

[Mai L Nissen]

Thank you, Nene. I am glad you liked it :)

[nazia]

I like both the pieces equally. The first one is elaborate with beautiful imagery while the second one is crisp.

[Mai L Nissen]

Thank you for taking the time to read and share your thoughts, Nazia. I appreciate your words :)

[gorillarock]

Clear, concise, well written, powerful! ANTO said it right, this is a beautiful poem of friendship. I think this illustrates the crossing from sympathy to empathy very well. You knew of the heart of secrets, then you "experienced" it when it was placed into your hands, overflowing with hurt (probably while reading your friends poetry). "I felt it open in my hand" as if to become enlightened and filled with sorrow, reinforce by the next three lines.

My guess is that your friend was dear to you, and perhaps you were relieved, empowered, and felt a stronger connection to your friend by the lights that reveals? This is where I love poetry, to read into a piece as much as possible to try and piece together another life and emotions. Much the same as an archaeologist inspects pottery art to uncover the secrets of the past. What clues will you leave behind? :D haha creepy i know

thanks for sharing!

[Mai L Nissen]

Thank you for your kind review, Kyle!
My friend was and still is very dear to me :) Luckily, she is happy and more inclined to ask for help...

Haha :) not creepy until you suggested that it was!

[ANTO]

I think its a beautiful friendship poem.

I don't think all the punctuation is really necessary Mai, it kind of interrupts the flow somewhat.
Some formatting too - to space it out for pauses and that. I'd put a line between the last line and the penultimate to give it effect of a deeper thought/ a realisation / epiphany

:)

[Mai L Nissen]

Thank you for your suggestions, Anto! Much appreciated :)

Like This?

[ANTO]

Yeah thats it and you could insert a few lines at the top of the poem to take it away from the tag line and title and image - reduce the cluttered look of it - its just the way WC tends to cram everything together, so just for presentation my friend .

[Mai L Nissen]

I don't know if this is any better:

You, who bear a burdened heart
in shadow’s silent shade.
Withstanding winter’s cruelty
Battered heartbeats hibernate
A clutched heart of secrets,
in loneliness confined
I felt it open in my hand
The hurt overflowing
pouring out into the light

In the light the hidden cannot hide

[Mai L Nissen]

First line is still cramped, but so are all the other lines - so visually it doesn't stick out! Haha... probably not what you had in mind...

[ANTO]

It is better Mai, yes I feel it is.
Last thing I would suggest -
try it without the comma or the period and how do you feel about editing the final line to read;
"For it is in the (curing/cleansing/??) light that the hidden cannot hide" -
I feel the extra beats are needed - just on intuition - dont hate me lol ! :))

[Mai L Nissen]

Haha... Well, if I didn't want honesty, I should not have asked for it! I appreciate your suggestions, otherwise I would just ignore say 'no thank you' :)

I don't know about the last line, it seems a bit long... I 'll have to think about that one.

[ANTO]

certainly - my pleasure then...
Some people dont take it too well lol

[Mai L Nissen]

Well, there is a difference between constructive criticism and just being an a*s :D

[ANTO]

lm a*s o
xD

[ANTO]

damn ! that was meant to be LM a*s O
this WC widget would get one hung ...

[Mai L Nissen]

Yeah, I hate to say it but I am not too good with all those abbreviations... WC? to me that just means toilet?

[ANTO]

*laughing here* - yep a W.C. can be a right s**thole at times - oh Im soo dead for that

[Mai L Nissen]

- glad you are entertained by my obtuseness :) While we are at it what does LM a*s O mean? From what I could find on google LM=loud mouth, O=high five... HOwever, that would then translate: Loud mouth a*s high five... Yeah, I have definitely overlooked something! What DOES WC mean if you are not refering to a toilet?

[dan]

Mai, On hear it's short for Writer's Café. take care...dan

[Mai L Nissen]

Ah, okay! Thank you, Dan :)

[ANTO]

Sorry to keep you in suspense lynn - i was called away there
LMassO = laughing my a*s off

[Mai L Nissen]

Yeah, seriously! You have better things to do than explaining internet jargon to me!? ;)

[ANTO]

I know - lol
xDD

[Jamestown]

The hidden secrets revealed poured right into your hands
the light shinning in the dark, wow! I too have had a similar
situation with a good friend of mine and it was
very tough but needed to happen for growth! I really
like the wording, thanks for sharing and b-blessed!

[Mai L Nissen]

Thank you, JT. Yes, it is very important for growth! Today she is really happy :)