This One's For You, Papa (expanded)

This One’s For You, Papa

I am sitting on the shore of the lake, pondering the events of the past year. I reminisce over all the good memories that this year brought me. I smile at the thought of all the good people who have come into my life and actually s t a y e d. That’s a new concept for me, and I’m still trying to soak it in. I used to live by the motto “People always leave”. But one of the lesson’s I’ve learned within the past year is that sometimes, they come back. I’ve become much more of an optimist. A year ago, I would have been focusing on all of the bad things that have happened in my life, all the things that made me want to run back to being the girl I used to be, because that was the easy thing to do. But now, I look for the good in everything, I am determined to find beauty. I refuse to settle for a life that is less than I dream of.

I am at a place in my life where I have finally decided to live out my dreams. I am determined to succeed, determined to find happiness, determined to find love. And do you want to know a secret? I won’t settle for anything less. I don’t deserve anything less. I deserve all that the world has to offer, and I will find all that the world has to offer to me.

As I sit on the shore, I imagine all of the places that life is going to take me, all the things I’ll get to see. I realize that this move to North Carolina is only the beginning for me. I’m a free spirit; I will go wherever this heart of mine takes me. For now, a place right in-between the mountains and the ocean seems perfect. Morning runs on the beach, a mountain climbing getaway on the weekends. What more could I possibly ask for? For once in my life, I’m doing things for me, not things to make other people happy leaving me miserable.

I imagine being back on the shore in Nice, France. That day at the beach, I was free; I had never felt more alive. The tides were so real, that moment was so real. I would love to go back there and replay that day. Traveling back to that trip, making sand castles, drawing my name in the foreign sand, and being tossed into the waters by the boy I thought I loved. I had everything I needed on my back as I hiked up to the top of the world. I remember looking down, and noticing beauty in everything I had never before realized was there. I remember having the impulse to climb onto the ledge of the mountain and just j u m p. I knew if I did it I’d be okay, because I had wings to fly. This was the first time I was truly happy, the first time I felt an ounce of serenity. I was so at peace with myself, and everyday after I was determined to make sure I would never feel anything less.

I watch as Max runs across the sand into the tides. He is excited, excited for the tides to suck him into the waters and excited for them to bring him back to shore. He is a free spirit much like myself, without a care in the world. The lake is no longer our escape it is our home. It’s where we belong. Home is where the heart is, and both of ours were destined to be in places so beautiful that they themselves couldn’t fathom the beauty on their own. This was the place we spent so much time searching for after you left, but struggled so much in finding. It was right there the whole time though, a few miles from the places we grew up, we just never paid enough attention to see it: Wall Lake.

I remember the days Melissa and Taylor would bring me to Wall Lake, and I loved it more than anything. I was never happier than I was there. I was never a good swimmer, and I remember there was a day that Taylor threw me in. I was in hysterics because I couldn’t swim back, and in a split second he pulled me back out again. I was screaming at him asking him why he did it, and he said he just wanted to prove to me that he would always be there to save me. I will never forget that day, because to this day he has kept that promise. No matter where he is in this world, no matter where his job takes him, he is always here for me. He may have been one of the people I considered to have left me, but he also is one of those few that came back. Even after the two split and they both moved onto new people and new lives, he never left me behind.

 My eyes beam as Max runs towards me with his toy and a look in his eyes like finding it in the waters made all of his dreams come true. Sometimes I wonder what dreams Max carries with him. People say he’s just a dog and that dogs don’t have dreams. I believe he is no different than me, and deep down he has things that he needs to complete his life just like we all do. He is not just a pet; he is forever a part of my soul. We do all things together, and without him I would have never found my way. Suddenly I am glad that Taylor’s dad couldn’t keep him like we planned, because as much as Dale loved Max, I needed Max more.

I remember the day we lost you, Max was so broken, I was so broken. I remember the way Max paced the house when me and Brittany were doing everything we could to help you, and he couldn’t do a thing. I remember the look on his face when the EMT’s shut him away in the garage so he wouldn’t disturb them as they tried to bring you back to us. I remember the sadness in his eyes as we moved the final belongings out of his home, your home, knowing damn well he would never return. That day Brittany, Ryan and I brought Max to the lake in hopes to awaken his spirit again, but he barley even got himself out of the car; I had to drag him to the shore. And do you know what happened than, Papa? He just laid his head in my lap, and he whimpered. A sound I had never heard him make before. I could feel the pain in his cries, and I wanted so badly to be able to fix everything and just make everything better for him. The reality was though, I couldn’t, because you were his b e s t  f r i e n d, the love you offered him was the only thing he knew.

Time has a way of healing us all though, Papa. And it's crazy how Max has healed. It's crazy how I have healed. We make these weekly trips to the lake that no one understands, I think of it as part of the healing process. People think it’s silly that I treat Max like he’s a person. He may just be a dog, but that “dog” has helped me get through every event life has come to throw at me, that’s why I do everything I can to help him when he needs. He is so smart, in the way that he knows exactly when I’m having a bad thought run through my mind. The way he puts his paws on my shoulder to hug me, the way he pushes me down and kisses my face in attempt to cheer me up. And if that doesn’t seem to work, he’ll lie down beside me and just cuddle me. It’s funny; he will put one paw under my head, and the other around my neck. He’ll lie there contently and lick my tears away. He is such a good dog, and even better yet, he is such a good best friend. I am so lucky to have him, Papa. Now that he’s in my life, I can’t imagine my life without him.

I remember the days I used to bring Snuggles to the lake. We started going when I knew it would probably be her last summer with us. It did end up being her last summer, but it was the best summer I ever spent with her. I loved that dog more than anything, and I was torn when I lost her. One of the things I came to realize though is that I have nothing to worry about with her. God took her the same day he took you, and even though Max was not sent to me right away, I think it was all in God’s plan for him to find his way to me the way Snuggles found her way to you. I know that you are up there taking care of my puppy and doing an awesome job at it. You had so much love to give, and you accepted everyone with open arms. That’s what I’ve always admired so much about you, the way you welcome everyone into your home and don’t expect a thing in return. I know it’s not expected of me to take care of Max for you, and that’s not what it’s about. When something that special finds its way into your life, you learn not to let it go. When you have someone that sticks by your side the way Max does for me, you hold on to that for dear life.

 I see those huge bright, sparkling eyes running towards me and I can't help but smile, something I never thought I'd do again. Sometimes I wonder what’s going through that cute little head of his. I wonder if he’s truly as happy as he lets on, or if it’s more of an act to help me through my hard days. No matter how far I’ve come in life, there will always be those days that are just hard. Those days where I struggle so deeply not to fall back into my old life. But I have too much to lose now. I have family that loves me with all their hearts, I have great friends to rely on, I have my dogs to keep me sane, and I have Roman.

You’re probably wondering who Roman is, but yet again I’m sure you’ve been watching from wherever you are. And if that’s the case, you’ll know what a great guy he is. He is my absolute best friend, and all though I haven’t known him for that long of time, I feel like he’s been in my life forever. I don’t really know how to explain my relationship with Roman. We are best friends, but I know we have potential to be more than that. Right now though, I’m at a place with him where I’m comfortable, and I know he’s comfortable. Sometimes I wonder if he’s just as afraid of relationships as I am, because I feel like somehow we should be more. But you know me Papa; you know how afraid I am to let people in. There is nothing I want more than to be able to let Roman in, and not just halfway, but all the way in. I want him to know me more than I know myself, but I’ll admit it, I am afraid that once I let him get to know my entire self, that he’ll run. That seems to be the pattern these days, I let someone in and they run for dear life. People who know my past don’t put it behind easily; I wear it around everyday like my own personal scarlet letter. And even though I don’t have a big red “A” sewed on all of my clothes, I carry around scars that won’t go away. I used to hate those scars so much, but I’ve learned to live with them, because those scars tell the story of the places I’ve been in life.

A year ago I would see my reflection in the lake and cringe, but now all I see beauty in that reflection. I see happiness; I see laughter. I see a girl who may be a little lost sometimes, but always finds her way back to shore. I see a girl who hides behind the love of her dog, afraid to let anyone else love her the way that he does.

One of these days, that girl will open up. And on that day, she will bring Roman to her getaway spot at the lake, and she will let him all the way in. Not just enough for him to see the girl she makes everyone else perceive her to be, but enough to let him get to know the girl she really is. The girl who writes poetry and stories to release all of her feelings, the girl who loves with all of her heart, the girl who is no longer afraid of what the future holds for her. He will come to know the girl that she really is.

From there, one of two things will happen. He will either run away for dear life like the others have, or he will fall in love with this girl who has most defiantly fallen in love with him. I hope to God Papa, that it is option number two. But for now, it’s a mystery. This day has yet to come, but I know someday soon it will. I just need the courage and the strength, two things I am still struggling to find.

As much as I hate saying it, Max and I may never fully recover from the day we lost you, but we have each other now, and that makes it all the more easier to handle. Not a day will go by that Max and me are at the lake that we won’t think of you. He will think of you as he runs into the water to retrieve the toy that you bought him years ago for his birthday. For a second, he will forget it’s me that he is bringing it back to, and wonder why he can’t find you anywhere. And then reality will set in, and he will remember the events of that day and realize it’s just him and me now. After he is worn out from swimming, we will go find our tree to sit under. I will pull out the wheat thins and peanut butter and go back in time to the moment where you first invented his favorite snack. For a second, I will forget you are not with us and look around to ask you to pass the peanut butter to me. And then reality will kick in for me, and it’s back to being just Max and me. And instead of focusing on the sadness of you not being here with us on this beautiful day, we will be reminded of the much more beautiful home you have found, the home where you await the day that we will all be reunited again.