My Friend the Stereotype

A descriptive essay I wrote for English II and used as my OO that I took to Regionals in Speech.

My Friend the Stereotype

 by Melaina Riley

 

            You know those people who call you stupid just because you’re a cheerleader? Or the people who tell you you’re a loser because you’re in band? According to that Webster guy, that’s called a stereotype. And ya know what? Those people are absolutely correct. Well, I’m one of those people. But I’m not here to put you down. I’m here to enlighten you. You see, every band has the select few, obliviously naïve, lost souls who wrongly believe that they don’t fit their instruments stereotype. In actuality, we all do. Once you join band, you’re no longer Samantha, or Alex, or John. When you turn your soul over to the sadistic, although not in any way bad, world of auditions and contests, you become Euphonium, or Percussion, or Trumpet.

            For example: “Hey, Mom! I met this Tuba today and he’s SOOO awesome!” Or, to borrow a phrase, “So one time…at band camp… I was hanging out with this Flute and Trombone…and we’re like…best friends now!”

            Each little sixth grader tries so hard not to succumb to the pressure of the stereotypes looming high above them in the juniors and seniors. But it always happens. Always.

Now, I am the epitome of band geek, so I know first-hand that all these stereotypes you’re about to hear are 100% absolutely true fact. BUT. To prevent hurt feeling resulting in a deduction to my score, I give you this disclaimer.
            I AM NOT A RELIABLE SOURCE. DO NOT TAKE ANY OF THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS SERIOUSLY.

We’ll take it one at a time. Why don’t we start with Tubas?

So let’s say you’re sitting in a supposedly empty band room trying to master Handel’s third Sonata. When all of a sudden a shower of not-so-harmless shrapnel comes flying at you. Wondering who it was? A million dollars says it was a Tuba. Missing a cork? Chances are Michael the Tuba ate it. Along with your sheet music. He’s a talented creature. He’s trained himself to eat right out of your hand. Or maybe, you’re walking by the All-State Tuba audition room but instead of etudes you hear a well-played, though uncomfortably out of place, rendition of Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep.”  The immature half-animal-half-alien was dared to commit this humiliating act of rebellion…by his fellow Tubas.

            Next, we’ll go to Clarinets.

            “Did she really just say that?! That’s so awful! Hun, you KNOW that’s not true! She’s

just jealous!” ‘She’ is a Clarinet, am I right? Of course. Need to get your daily fix of gossip? Hit up a Clarinet. They’ve got all the latest rumors. Is a nasty rumor being spread about you? Go straight to the source, the Clarinet section. Have you ever wanted to have your self-confidence killed? Me neither. But if I did, I’d know where to go first! Clarinets are great at that. Today one told me, she said,

“Melaina, my hair’s straighter than yours. That means I’m prettier than you. And since I’m prettier than you people like me more. And since people like me more, I play better than you… Soooo…. You should just quit.”
             Okay, not really… but you get my point.

            Moving on to Trumpets.

Trumpets. Goodness, gracious, Trumpets. Where do I even start? They’re loud. They’re obnoxious. But most of all, they’re conceited. And most of them have potential. Unfortunately, most of them don’t harvest that potential into talent. They leave it at potential and forget about it. But if I had to use one word to describe Trumpets, it’d be oblivious. You could throw stuff in their faces all day long and they’d never notice.

Next, we have Trombones and Euphoniums. Ya know that one kid that just sits there during band and does absolutely nothing? Psh. Total Trombone. Or how ‘bout the guy that plays Nintendo instead of the fight song at the football games? Yep. You guessed it. Euphonium.  The Low Brass section, excluding the Tubas, are just pure lazy. They don’t care, and even if they did, they wouldn’t do anything about it. Most of them are in Cross Country or Track and would rather run around the football field than march on it. These guys are crazy, fun to be around, and absolutely exasperating.

            Now we get to talk about my personal favorite, the Percussionists.

Are you looking for a best friend? Head back to the Perc section. They’ve got you covered! Do you need a break from those AWFUL Clarinets? You can always find a compliment in a Percussionist. They’re great to have around and they’ll never let you down. They’re trustworthy and would do anything to have you. They’re like little

puppy dogs that follow you around and get sad when you leave. I love Percussionists and think you should definitely pursue a friendship with one…or fifteen… of them.

            Ugh… As dearly as I love my flute and my two best flute friends… I can’t stand them. Wanna fight? Don’t bother looking past the first row. Looking to be morbidly pushed down the social ladder? Ooh! I’m a flute! I can do that! Want a chick who’s as ditzy as a cheerleader…only…worse? Flutes are all that and more, man. Blonde and beautiful we use our looks (definitely not our brains) to get ahead in the world.

            Look around you. Find a band geek. They’re not hard to spot, I promise. Observe them. I bet you can guess what instrument they play without even asking. They’ll deny it, but if you follow my guidelines and stereotypes, you’ll never be wrong.