The Quondam

The past of Odette Rivers

    November 5 2009

Dear Diary

    Today I sit at my window and wonder who have I hurt and who have I loved? Is my hurt list a lot longer then my love list? Am I a sinical person. Or do I love so much that I end up hurting them instead. Will I die alone or will love overcome all. Will I love them so much that I end up hurting them instead......

      My name is Odette Rivers I live alone with a dog named James, I named him after my ex boyfriend and my ex boyfriend was a retard and my dog is mentally retarted so it fits. I have lived in Port Townsend for 8 months. I love it here always rain and no sunshine. It's perfect here. I'm anti social my parents have told me, that I need to put myself out there and find the right guy. I tell them I'm working on it and that I'm trying too, but I'm not. I don't need a man. Well that's what I keep telling myself. I've also been told I have no sense of style, that I don't dress to impress. Jeans and a hoodie is good for me. I'm also a private person but very head strong, quiet when needed, out spoken when I feel the need. I'm complicated, very complicated I confuse myself some times.

      "Honey I'm home." That's my best friend Beck Benson he's my age and possibly my true love. But I'm stuck in the friend zone.

 "Wow your funny." I look at his eyes his deep grey eyes.

"I brought home the bacon!" He kisses me on the cheek. I laugh at him. He is most likely the most perfect guy for me.

"What have you been doing all day?" I look down still in my purple striped pajama pants.

"As you can see nothing." He giggles.

"Purples a good color on you." He looks me up and down.

"You checking me out?" He laughs.

"Yep I can see your b***s through that shirt." I look down, this is would be so humiliating, but I see nothing.

"No..."

"Do you really think I would tell you if you did?"

"I don't know your blunt."

"True, but not that blunt."

"What ever you say."

     He's beautiful the most good looking man I have ever seen in my entire life and that's beating channing tatum, that's saying a lot. His dark brown hair with his tan skin. His little scruffy chin , with his most beautiful eyes, there grey I could possibly look in to his soul through them. His arms are huge so when he hugs me I feel so safe.

      "Come on anti social, lets go find you a boyfriend." Then theres this he always trys to set me up on dates with his friends. How can he not see how much I want to be with him not his dumb friends. Can he not take a hint.

  "You have terrible friends, I'm the best by far but your guy friends...... there pigs."
"It's a guy thing."

"Well your not a pig, well not all the time."

"I'm taking that as a good thing?"
"It is, but why are you always trying to set me up on dates?"
"Because I want to see you happy, as happy as me and Mia." There's the other thing he has a girl friend a complete b***h if you ask me, but you know he see's someting that I don't. Other then she's beautiful her personality is terrible, to the point I can't even be around her. But she's tall blonde and beautiful. She's also successful, because she slept with her boss, but nobody care's about that.

    "Why do you even like Mia?"
"Because I like to feel important to someone." He doesn't really like her.

"You don't feel like a sex monkey to her, that's all she's using you for."
"At least it's something." I want to be that something.

"Why can't you find someone who is nice and really good at sex?" Like me.

"Sounds like you want me to date you."  Yes.

"No, I mean nobody can be as perfect as me." He laughs.

"No nobody, Your to perfect for me for sure."
"What ever."

        He takes a seat on my couch. Lifts his feet and sets them on the coffee table.

   "If your going to put your feet up at least take off your shoes."
"Your as bad as my mother."

"I take that as a complement?"

"I love my mom so yes."

"So you love me?"

"With all my heart I will always love you." His face is 3 inches away from mine. Our eyes meet.

"The party has arrived!" The door slams behind James my ex boyfriend.

     James is beyond pretty, but that's the thing he's pretty not good looking. I don't like pretty boys. If his jeans are tighter then mine that's a total turn off.

     "What are you doing here James?" I roll my eyes at him.

"I came here to ask you on a date.... again."
"What does no mean?"

"I have learned to never trust what a women says one thing could mean another. So do you want to go out?"

"Trust me I don't."

"Go out Odette." Beck says to me. I look back at him he doesn't even meet my eyes.

"No!"

"Odette you need to get out of this house you need to do something else besides watch law and order over and over again."

"But that's what I like to do. Thats whats fun to me."

"There's other things you could do."

"You know what, James no I will not go out with you,." Beck cuts me off

"Yes you will."

"I already have a sex buddy okay so get off my back, I don't need a relationship all I need is sex!"

"Well I could provide it." I look over at James.

"NO!, get out your not welcome." He leaves. I get up and walk up to my room and change in too my sexy shirt as I would say. It's black and lace my tight pants and my hooker boots. I comb out my hair and I'm gone.

"Bye!" Beck yells when I shut the door. Does he not understand that I'm pissed.

   I walk to the bar at the end of the street. I walk in theres men all over. I desited I'm going to make Beck jelouse. I know that sounds very Junior High but I'm going to do what ever works.

   Theres so much testosterone in this room, I just need to find one. Just one that would make me happy for one night. 

    I walk up to the bar and he gives me a drink off the back.

    "How are you?"

"I'm good."

"What's a pretty girl like you doing in a bar?" What am I doing here again oh yeah...

"Looking for a sex buddy."

"Oh really." He was tall and muscular he had blonde hair and blue eyes.

"Yep do you know any takers?" I look into his eyes I don't see anything speacial.

"I do, how about me?"

"My house is just around the block, but I need more alcohol in me first."

"Where have you been all my life?" I look at him still nothing.

       1,2,3, before I know it i've had 7 drinks.

"So you said that your house is just down the street, right."
"Yep I think I'm drunk enough now."

"Sounds great." 

         We walk to my house and Beck's still there, my plan is in action. I take off my jacket rip off my shoes and grab his head and start making out with him. His hands grab my but and lift me up as he walks me up the stairs. I rip off my shirt and takes his off as well. We are half way up the stairs, I see through the corner of my eye and Becks watching us. It's working.

         "Were's the bed?"

"Keep going up stairs and on your right." He starts kissing my neck. He touches my legs just right. There's so much lust going on right now. I un button his pants and we finish going up the stairs.

    .............................................................................................................................................

       Last night was amazing, not to sound like a w***e or anything but it's true. I haven't had sex forever I needed that. I come down the stairs in the guys big shirt.

       I look at Beck and hes making breakfeast.

       "Your still here?"
"Well I had to make sure you were still alive after bringing a complete stranger home."
"You've brought home complete strangers home before too."

"It's diffrent, your a girl and your..... fragile." He looks at me.

"I think I can handle myself."

"Oh really, did you see how strong that guy was, he could have squished you with his pinky."

"Sorry, are you happy now?" 
"Why would I be happy, that you go out looking like a prostitute and come back with a man you dont even know. Why in the hell would I be happy."

"I did what you said, I went out and had fun."
"That's what you call fun."

"Yep, I think even more fun then law and order."

"Oh don't go there." There was a smile I saw it.

      The guy comes down stairs in a towel. 

"Oh what's for breakfeast?"
"Pancakes."

"Sweet."

"Well my names Beck I'm her friend."

"Nice to meet you, I'm Ace and I'm her sex buddy." I can't even look at him or I might laugh.

"Cool." Beck says with smile on his face.

       Aces towel falls down, you could see everything. I couldn't hold it in I had to laugh.

      "Now I see what Odette see's in you."

"Yep." I say with a smile.

"Well I would love to stay and have breakfeast but I have to go to work."

"Oh here's your shirt." I take off the shirt and all I have on now is my bra and underwear. They both stare at me, I run over and get Becks shirt.

"Why can you never wear your own clothes?" Beck asks me.

"That's no fun." I say with a laugh.

        Ace leaves.

       "Well I bet you did have a good night." Beck says refering to the towel insident.

"Oh my." I laugh

"Way better then law and order."

"I don't even know why I did that, I just did." I know exactly what I was doing.

"I don't even want to have this talk with you."

"Why does it make you uncomfortable?"
"Yeah kinda."

"Well let me tell you when he touched me right where......"
"La la la la not listening." I laugh at him.

"Sorry couldn't resist."

"But Odette, You deserve way better then that." He always says I deserve the best, does he not realize hes the best.

"Thanks."

  He is the best no matter what anyone says he has done bad things in the past but hasn't everyone. I sure have for example I just made a mistake last night. Nobody can absolutely be perfect people can pretend to be but there not fooling anyone. I don't understand why people pretend there someone when they are them and I am me. Theres nobody exactly the same, so why try to be? Or how people will change everything about them to impress somebody. I don't as you can tell, I hate dressing up and being happy all the time, that's not me, I like to wear comfortable clothes and say what I mean. I guess I'm wiser then most.

  "So when is your sister coming?" I asked to Beck.

"In 4 hours, do you wanna come with to pick her up?"

"Yeah that would be great." 

    Becks sister is 14 years old and in and out of houses with relatives, Shes had it hard, but she's one of the most positive, happy person I have ever met. Her names Abigal she looks so much like beck. She has long dark hair, paler then Beck but still beautiful. She has his eyes they are possibley more beautiful then his even. She's 5'9 perfect height, shes athletic, she has played 3 varsity sports and she's only a freshman. She's the girl everybody wants to be, but she's not popular. She's untouchable.

   "Are you excited to see her?"

"Yeah I have missed her like crazy, I guess our aunt Trisha didn't enjoy her company so she will be staying here for some time."

"Is she staying here or at your appartment?"
"Thats the thing I mean I will pay half rent, I just don't want her to stay with a whole bunch of guys that would be weird, you know?"

"Yeah."

"So would it be okay if she stayed here up in the extra room."
"Yeah, that sounds great."

    I'm excited to see her too. She makes my day. How could I say no to Beck? He really should be a lawer because nobody can say no to him. I wish I could some times but I can't, I have finally just gave into him it's better that way then to really fight against him.

    We are at the air port and waiting for her plane to land.

    "Hey Odette?"

"Yeah?" I say with a uncertain voice.

"Is it weird that I'm nervous?"
"Yeah a little why?"
"You see I just I don't know, like what if she's changed? Or what if I've changed? I don't want to send her off to another relative, she's been through so much I can't imagine sending her away again, but I can't be responsible for her, she's a teenager. I'm not ready to take on that responsiblilty I cant be a father figure or what ever she wants me to be. But I can't put her in a home or with another relative."

"You wont be raizing her alone, I mean I will help, like you said she's a teenager and she doesn't want to spend all her time with you, she wants to be with her friends. She also has sports to keep her occupied."

"Your right I just need to forget all about that and just be happy that she's here."

"Exactly."

     She walked up in a little tinney skirt with a lace shirt, she's change for sure she's not the quiet little girl that Beck and I used to know. She's a woman.

     "Hi." She says as she gives me a hug. I look at Becks face he's shocked that she's changed so much in a little bit of time.

     "Hey how was your flight?" I ask to break the silence.

"Great, I sure have gotten used to flying." I bet.
"Yeah, so how you been?"
"Good, I mean as good as it could be, since I just can't quite get a relative to really like me."

"Well you don't need to worry about that, you will be staying with me at my house and Beck will kind of live there too."

"Oh really?"
"Yeah."

"Beck are you going to even say a word?"

"Hi?"

"Didn't know you couldn't talk?"

"I can!" It took me and Abigal off gaurd. Beck never yells unless it's about something he really cares about.

    "Are you okay? What's wrong?"

"Nothing let's go."

     The entire ride home was quiet. I didn't dare say a word or Beck might yell again. I didn't want that. We arive at my house.

     "I have to go to work but Odette will get everything situated okay?"
"Okay. Thanks." He leaves.

"So I have an extra room up stairs and you can stay there. I do have rules though, there not hard rule but they are important."

"Okay lets hear them."

"Well I'm going to give you a key, please don't loose it, you also have to be home at a desent time 11 is the time okay."

"Okay."

"Please just don't have sex while me or Beck are home."

"Haha, I'm smarter then that."

"Good, also use protection, and last rule is just be respectable towards me and Beck and try your best at everything like grades and other stuff okay."

"Always." She noddes her head.

     We get her settled upstairs. SHe leaves to go to the gym. Now I'm home alone. And bored out of my mind.