That Wasn't Love, That Was Just Hope

Thoughts And Ideas

An attempt to bring all heart-touching and thought provoking writings under one roof to make an impact.

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Have you ever had someone you couldn’t possibly let go? The ones you can’t fathom losing?

Yes? Me too, this is where Hope �" by the Chainsmokers comes in.
 
I would have not only walked through fire for this man, but I also would’ve moved mountains. That may sound like an exaggeration, but I know you’ve felt that way about someone too. The type of love where you would push them to meet their goals, harder than you sometimes drive to reach yours. The kind of love where you would do anything during the day if it meant you could go home to them at night, and their smile that lights up your life.

“Wish I could forget all the places we’ve been.”

I not only want to forget the places we went, but also the people I met. I want to wipe my memory of you completely because now those memories just make me feel lonely and empty. The bar is continuously playing your favorite music, seems like I’m not the only one begging for your return, but the places we used to go need it too. I see all the couples around me laughing, and enjoying their night out. I catch a few where the guy is looking at the woman he’s with, with nothing but love and happiness in his eyes, the way you used to look at me. I can’t help but imagine you in the seat next to me, laughing, with the one crease that connects your eyebrows, wrinkled up.

After months of being let down, brought back up, and ruthlessly let back down again, I think I’ve figured it out.

“That wasn’t love, that wasn’t love, that was just hope
Always another bender, I lose control
I thought I’d get it back when
You came back home to me, darling
But I never had it, did I? Your heart’s a trick
And all the magic we felt was just a hit.”

I’m going to change this one around a little, “it was love, now it’s just hope” describes it so much better. I still and will always love you, but now its more of an uneasy feeling when you’re around. I know that I have to soak up every second because it could be the last time. Sometimes, when you decide to stay longer than I expect, I start to get my hopes up again. I make lavish dinners and wait on you hand and foot, thinking that maybe, just f*****g maybe it’ll make you stay. Somehow, my perfectly cooked steak will make you finally see the love I have for you, and how our relationship could be everything anyone has ever wanted. A few hours later, or even sometimes, a few days later, you still walk out that door leaving me with no sign of ever coming back, just the smell of your cologne clinging to my sheets. The door closing behind you and your car going down the driveway, are the sounds that mimic my hopes being diminished, and my heart breaking a little more.

“Hard and heavy whiskey goodbyes.”

When the emptiness of the house is too heavy, or the lonely is unbearably aching, I try to find you at the bottom of a stiff drink, but you’re never there. The booze gives me the courage to tell my heart to let you go. Let go, because all I’m doing over and over is being convenient for you, and it’s only hurting me. Somehow, even though you’re not even there, these alcohol driven goodbyes are the hardest. They send me through every memory of you, from the way you smell to the touch of your skin. In the morning when I’ve sobered off, I still find myself checking my phone for any signs of you.

“I only wanted you ’cause I couldn’t have you
Now that I know (now that I know)
That wasn’t love, that wasn’t love, that was just hope.”

Month after month we were inseparable. Our eyes and hearts were so full of love, and to be honest, I’ll never know what made you put distance between us, but now you’ve closed your heart off and won’t let me back in. My heart was and is still full of love, and my brain full of hope. Sometimes I still wonder why life brought you and me together, what lesson was I supposed to learn? I sit and think about why we can’t let each other go, is it merely because the path of least resistance is easiest? Lately I think its more of the thrill of the chase.

Unfortunately, I have to let go of the hope. I can no longer look at you as my lover just to have you look back and only see me as lust. Instead of yearning over you, and at this point breaking my own heart, I’ll be listening to Hope- by the Chainsmokers on repeat and taking Bill Murray’s advice, “If you don’t like something, just take away it’s only power: Your attention.”

-xo