Red eyes

Why are you tensed 

to see my red eyes

What are you thinking 

about our lovely ties 

Don't look at me 

see the skies 

also see the red colours 

when the sun rise 

Why are you tensed 

to see my red eyes

see the red flower 

no sign of cries 

look at the dawn

Is not your surprise 

day and night meet there

you can revise 

Reviews

[Poe Redd]

All day long I've been craving a poem like this. :)

[CecilA]

I like your poem very much. Your translation skills improve with each piece you write.

My interpretation of 'red eyes' as those of someone crying and 'ties' as a relationship.

Suggestions:

Line #8: 'of the sun rise.'

Line #12: 'it doesn't cry.'

Line #14: 'Are you not surprised?'

I love your tenacity. Keep up the good work.

[Dupur Mitra]

thnx

[Tarry Franck]

Nicely done

[Dupur Mitra]

thnx

[KAOlmsted]

Very nice rhymes. Thanks for sharing this.

[Dupur Mitra]

thnx

[Icelanna]

I like the fact your rhyming scheme is different. Eg abacadae. I would put some question marks in when you ask the questions beginning with "Why" and "What" and put a full stop at the end of the first stanza, and the same with the second.
Love it otherwise!

[Dupur Mitra]

thnx

[Valentine]

There is nothing as beautiful as the sun setting or rising..God is the master painter in this universe..

[Dupur Mitra]

thnx

[Valentine]

I also am an artist and love to paint..yet God is the master painter.

[Jon Roggie]

I felt this should have been "why are you so still?" Just my choice of words. Your words are flowing.

[Dupur Mitra]

thnx

[Phillitup]

SUGGESTIONS:
My only suggestion for this particular piece (or poem if you would rather call it. I am open to your choice of vocabulary) is for the last line in the first stanza. After sun I would say does. It sounds rather incomplete, lacking something. I think that would stretch itself over the gap. Other then that I have no suggestions. My one suggestion can be ignored if you want. It is merely my opinion.

EMOTIONS:
I got a "Why do you look away? Look me in the eye." (in this case read eyes) feel from this. That is just what I felt personally but it strongly sat at punched me in the face. I red this twice and found something hidden among the pain and rejection the second time that I had overlooked the first. I saw hope glinting in the eyes of the...whatever it was. I saw hope. Utter and undeniable hope. It was really cool to me, seeing this in a new light. I can only do that when they are short and easy to read. Nice work.

COMMENTS:
I don't really have a huge comment on this or anything. Nothing terribly drastic that clicked for me. In fact, I couldn't quite relate to this poem/piece. What I do have to comment on was the fact that even though I didn't relate to this, it felt like it did click. I mean, it was so well-written that I felt like the character or POV. I could feel the disdain, hate, regret, hope. That really clicked with me. I could feel like I was really there. I could control it. It was magical. Nicely penned. Best regards,
Dell

[Dupur Mitra]

thnx

[DrD]

For someone to be insensitive to feelings they caused is one of the most disparing emotions possible. You captured it well and this was an enjoyable read.

[Dupur Mitra]

thnx

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Strange mix of gentle but sad.

[Dupur Mitra]

thnx