yesterday

yesterday it was full of moonlight 

yesterday she was with my side 

yesterday moonlight was lie down with me 

yesterday another was sleeping at my bedroom 

that was she 

yesterday i roused from sleep 

yesterday she was not at my room

seeing moonlights that weep 

Reviews

[Lover Of Words]

Great effort!

[Dupur Mitra]

thnx

[Marie]

This reminds me of the Beatles' song "Yesterday...all my troubles seemed to far away..."

Your use of English gives your poems a charm and simplicity I find refreshing.

[Dupur Mitra]

thnx

[Ufi Auttorri ~ Amy C. T..]

Hi Dupur,

Regarding this poem.. I think it is the interpretive ambiguity that both makes it and breaks it... that and the cross-cultural phraseology. While it is certainly possible to draw a "likely" interpretation from it I think it mandates a certain level of effort from the reader that is, in general, unnecessary. This poem is written in English, presumably for an English-speaking/reading audience and if so then it might be best to consider the basic rules before deciding to knowingly (or unknowingly) break them.

That being said, I laud you for your courage at attempting poetry in what is clearly not your native language. I assume there are multiple goals at work here and that gaining a facility with the style and idioms of English may be one of them. I know that I would likely fail, miserably, should I attempt the same with any other than my native language and so admire your compunction and determination all the more.

Back to the poem.. it is unclear to me if the moonlight is meant to refer to actual moonlight, a person, or both. The usage and actions of the objects precipitate this sentiment throughout, for me at least.

Thank you for the poem and excellent effort.

[Dupur Mitra]

thnx

[InsanityWriter]

The flow was good. (: Nice job. ^_^

[Dupur Mitra]

thnx

[Leslie Philibert]

I would write this so

Yesterday was full of moonlight ; she was down by my side.
Laid down beside me ; asleep in my bedroon : her.

Roused from sleep ; moonlight no longer in my bedroom.
The sight of moonlight weeping.

( I would throw out a lot of yesterdays, clean up the grammar, use
a lot of punctuation and use other prepositions, make it a bit haiku like)

[Dupur Mitra]

thnx

[Baby Ricochet]

Dada. Good job

[Dupur Mitra]

thnx

[Icelanna]

I agree with Noodlehead below. Also don't forget your punctuation, get into the hang of it!! You need it otherwise serious publishers etc will not take any of your pieces because punctuation is a lesson children learn in school. It is compulsory!

[Dupur Mitra]

thnx

[afra]

short but deep ...good job

[Dupur Mitra]

thnx

[s y e]

This was really good. I enjoyed it. I do have some tips for you however

1) In the first stanza, second you say 'with my side' where as I think it should read 'by my side'

2) Also, capitalize all of your 'I'

Otherwise, I really enjoyed it.

[Dupur Mitra]

thnx

[Phillitup]

Hi! I'm sorry to say that I didn't quite click with this piece. I think it was because it was kind of oddly worded. For example, in the second line of the first stanza I would suggest changing the word from with to by. This is because it just doesn't flow correctly when you say that she was "with your side". Also, in the first line of the last stanza I would suggest capitalizing the I. It gives it more of a definite cause and the word won't really hesitate as much. In all, I would read over the piece again and change, add, and take out words here or there. This was nicely and eloquently penned however.
Best regards,
Dell

This has been a review from the Perfect Review Group

[Dupur Mitra]

thnx