Love and Happiness

 

FADE IN:

INT: JACK’S DORM ROOM – MID-AFTERNOON

 

We see Maggie looking at herself in the mirror. She fixes her hair and looks at herself from a number of sides, angles, and positions. She becomes bored and starts making funny faces in the mirror: puffing her cheeks, distorting her face, crossing her eyes, etc. etc. Then she gets bored of this, and stops. She puts her arms at her sides, looks at herself for a second longer; turns her head to the side, and looks at herself like this for another second, then goes back to looking head on. She sweeps a lock of hair behind her ear, and looks for another second longer. She puts her hair up into a ponytail and inspects herself again. Having grown bored with this she lets her hair down and puts her arms at her sides again. She then crosses her eyes, puffs her cheeks, and c***s her head to the side. She stops and sighs.

 

JACK (OFF)

What’s wrong?

 

MAGGIE

(still looking at herself)

I’m getting fat.

 

JACK (OFF)

(scoffs)

Oh God.

 

MAGGIE

What?

 

JACK (OFF)

Not this again.

 

MAGGIE

      (looking at him)

Yes, this again.

 

She looks back at the mirror.

 

MAGGIE (CONT)

I’m getting chubby.

 

JACK (OFF)

(pause; exasperated)

Yes, you are.

 

MAGGIE

(looking at him; surprised)

What?

 

JACK (OFF)

There’s no comment to that statement that’s right. So, yes, you are.

 

MAGGIE

What do you mean?

 

We see Jack lying on his bed then he rolls over to look at her.

 

JACK

Nothing I can say is right. So it’s just easier just to say you are getting chubby, then you yell at me, or leave, we make up, we move on. So yes, you’re getting fat.

 

MAGGIE

Who says there isn’t a right way to answer?

 

JACK

(states as if it’s obvious)

Umm... you do. Every time you say, “I’m getting fat,” I say, “Oh, no, you’re not.” Then you say, “You’re lying, you’re just saying that.” And I say, “No, I’m not.” And you’re like, “Yes you are, you just don’t want to tell me the truth.”

 

MAGGIE

I do not do that every time.

 

JACK

Yes, you do. Then we go on until you end up yelling at me, or leaving, sometimes both. So, you’re doing one of three things: one – you’re really getting fatter, which I don’t think you are.Two – you’re not getting fatter, but you think you are. Or three – you’re not getting fat and you don’t think you are, but you say you are, so that I’ll say,

(mockingly)

“Oh, no you aren’t, baby, you’re just a pretty as you always are.” But whatever it is, it doesn’t matter, so I’m just going to say yes, so we can bypass the entire argument process, and go straight to the yelling. While you do that, I’ll be over here.

 

Jack rolls over and faces the wall. Maggie goes over to the bed, and lies on top of him.

 

MAGGIE

      (tenderly)

“Baby”? You never call me “baby”... or pretty.

 

JACK

And?

 

MAGGIE

You should. It’s a much better pet name than “c**t.”

 

He rolls over underneath her so that they’re face to face.

 

JACK

Meh I don’t like “baby” though. Something about it just skeeves me out. My parents used to do it.

 

MAGGIE

My parents call each other “Hun,” and “Dear.”

 

JACK

I call you “Dear,” and “Darling.”

 

MAGGIE

Yea, but only when you’re being sarcastic, or

(with a short ‘a’)

patronizing.

 

JACK

(short ‘a’)

“Patronizing“? It’s

(long ‘a’)

patronizing.

 

MAGGIE

No it isn’t.

 

JACK

Yes it is.

 

MAGGIE

No, it’s

(short ‘a’)

patronizing.

 

JACK

      (a beat)

Go get my dictionary; we’re going to settle this.

 

Maggie scoffs. She gets and gets off of Jack, and walks out of frame. He sits up and swings his feet over the side of the bed. Off-screen, we hear Maggie rustling through papers.

 

MAGGIE (OFF)

I can’t find it.

 

 

JACK

Check the drawer.

 

We hear the opening of a drawer is heard.

 

MAGGIE (OFF)

Found it.

 

JACK

Told you.

 

Maggie comes back into frame and hands Jack the dictionary then sits back on the bed. He thumbs through the pages, and stops when he gets to right page. He begins to search for the word in question.

 

JACK

(surprised)

Ooooooh!

 

MAGGIE

(even more surprised)

I was right?

 

JACK

So, that’s what ‘paramour’ means.

 

MAGGIE

(scoffs; annoyed)

What about

(with emphasis on the short ‘a’)

patronizing?

 

JACK

Calm down, I’m looking.

 

He scans the page a bit more, then quickly closes the dictionary and gets up to put it back. Maggie reclines on the bed.

 

MAGGIE

What did it say?

 

JACK (OFF)

Nothing.

 

MAGGIE

(excited)

I was right, wasn’t I?

 

JACK (OFF)

      (skeptical)

I don’t know.

 

We see him walk back into frame.

 

 

JACK (CONT)

You didn’t seem too confident before.

 

MAGGIE

What?

 

JACK

When you went

(imitating her)

“I was right?”

 

He sits on the bed.

 

MAGGIE

Well, that’s because you’re right a lot of the time, so me being right is, like, a new feeling, I guess. That’s why I’m so surprised. I mean even when you’re wrong, you seem right.

 

JACK

(facetiously suave)

Because I’m so charming?

 

MAGGIE

(humoring him)

Yes... that’s exactly why– but, no, like, you’re so believable.

 

JACK

Because, I’m so charming– right?– say it.

(pointing)

Say I’m charming.

 

Maggie stares at him with frustration for a second. 

 

MAGGIE

(with cheek)

Then say I’m pretty.

 

JACK

(a beat; putting his finger down slowly)

... Well played, Edelstein... Well played.

 

MAGGIE

Thank you- what did it say?

 

JACK

(scoffs; in defeat)

Fine it said-

 

He is cut off by Maggie’s phone ringing.

 

MAGGIE

One sec.

(answering her phone)

Helloooo...

 

Maggie gets off of the bed. While she’s on the phone, Jack lies back down, and looks up at the ceiling, then at Maggie, as she listens to the person on the other line.

 

MAGGIE

(surprised)

Shut up.... No way.... No f*****g way.... Oh my God, I can’t believe that. Is it going to be someplace else?....

 

She looks at Jack and grimaces, but quickly resolves it.

 

MAGGIE (CONT)

(relieved)

Oh, ok.... Wait. Will that be ok? Didn’t they-.... Yea that may be a problem.... I don’t know. You think?.... Will you be alright doing that?.... Ok.... Yea, I’ll see you then.... Ok. Bye.

 

Maggie hangs up her phone and lies down on top of Jack so that her head is on his chest.

 

JACK

Who was that?

 

MAGGIE

Annie.

 

JACK

Annie Thomson?

 

MAGGIE

No. Annie Leibowitz.

 

JACK

I remember Annie Leibowitz. She fucked Steve Clifford in her parents’ hot-tub. Right?

 

MAGGIE

No. That was Rob Murphy.

 

JACK

Ooooh right.

 

MAGGIE

She gave Steve Clifford a handjob in the bathroom at her sister’s Bat Mitzvah.

 

JACK

And her uncle was-

 

BOTH

In the next stall-

(>>>)

 

MAGGIE

Yep, that’s Annie.

 

JACK

Man, I don’t think there’s a single baseball player from my old high school that didn’t have something in her at one point.

 

MAGGIE

Umm... Don’t act so high and mighty there Mister Waters; you did too.

 

JACK

(a beat; taken aback)

I have never fucked Annie Leibowitz.

 

Maggie lifts her head off his chest and looks at him.

 

MAGGIE

(accusingly)

You did too.

 

JACK

(defensive)

I did not.

 

MAGGIE

Yes, you did, at Mark Zimmer’s graduation party.

 

JACK

Who?

 

MAGGIE

Mark Zimmer- went to my high school- short kid- glasses- blond hair-

 

JACK

(a beat as he thinks)

Oh, that kid! Yea, I went to that party, but I never fucked Loose Legs Leibowitz.

 

MAGGIE

(heated)

Yes you did. In that little, like, encased garden they have in their backyard.

 

JACK

(a beat as he thinks)

That was Mike Kurtzman!

 

MAGGIE

It was?

 

JACK

Yes.

 

MAGGIE

(deflated)

Oh.

 

JACK

Yea. I went there with him, then he disappeared. And I ended up talking with that guy’s dad – Zimmer – then like ten minutes later Mike shows up and goes, “OK, we can go.” And we left.

 

MAGGIE

(slightly embarrassed)

Oh.

 

JACK

How could you even think I’d do something like that? I’m classier than that.

 

MAGGIE

I know, I know. Annie said it was you, though, so-what else could I think? 

 

JACK

That I’m a self-respecting individual, that wouldn’t f**k Annie Leibowitz in a miniature greenhouse.

 

MAGGIE

I did think it was out of character for you.

 

JACK

Yea, I would’ve at least taken her inside, or something.

 

MAGGIE

It was inside.

 

JACK

But a greenhouse?

 

MAGGIE

I know. I shouldn’t’ve assumed.

 

She puts her head down on his chest again.

 

JACK

Especially with something so strange.

 

MAGGIE

Having sex with Annie is strange?

 

JACK

No, not normally, but me plowing Loose Legs Leibowitz in a greenhouse would be.

 

 

 

MAGGIE

(a beat)

Do people really call Annie “Loose Legs”?

 

JACK

Do. They. Ever. I mean, I can’t even imagine what it must look like down there.

 

MAGGIE

Alright, that’s enough of that.

 

JACK

(ignoring her)

Must be like a hippo yawning, or something.

 

Maggie buries her face into Jack’s chest.

 

MAGGIE

(laughing with disgust)

Oh God! That’s disgusting. Why do you do that?

 

JACK

(grinning)

Because I know it grosses you out.

 

MAGGIE

Yes, it does.

 

Maggie lifts her head up, and looks at him.

 

MAGGIE (CONT)

You know I’m never getting that image out of my head. Now every time I see her I’m going to think of that.

 

She puts her face back into his chest.

 

JACK

Well, I’m glad I can ruin your friendship... Serves her right- spreading lies about me.

 

MAGGIE

Ughh!

 

JACK

I don’t even look like Mike Kurtzman.

 

She turns her head.

 

MAGGIE

And apparently he’s a bad lay.

 

JACK

Well, that I knew already.

 

 

 

MAGGIE

(suggestively)

Oh really? How’s that?

 

JACK

Monica Landry told me.

 

MAGGIE

Did that guy have like a checklist for sleeping with high school s***s?

 

JACK

Monica Landry isn’t a s**t.

 

MAGGIE

She’s a freak though.

 

JACK

Oh, definitely. But not a s**t. She only had two boyfriends during high school. And they were both long term. And I never heard that she cheated on them.

 

MAGGIE

I heard she liked to be, like, choked.

 

JACK

Um... I’m not sure about that. But she’s a big fan of dirty talk.

 

MAGGIE

How do you know that?

 

JACK

Kurtzman... She kept asking him to call her “a dirty w***e” and weird stuff like that.

 

MAGGIE

      (looking at him)

No way!

 

JACK

No, yea. That’s what Mike says.

 

MAGGIE

Is he reliable?

 

JACK

Oh sure. The guy might be a perv, but he’s not a liar.

 

Maggie puts her head back on his chest.

 

MAGGIE

Jesus...

 

She looks up at Jack, without taking her head off his chest, then looks away.

 

MAGGIE (CONT)

You’re never doing that, by the way.

 

JACK

Doing what?

 

MAGGIE

Calling me a dirty w***e in bed.

 

JACK

Oh, God, no. I would never do that.

 

MAGGIE

Good.

 

JACK

I mean, I do it enough out of bed- it’d ruin it for me, if it became pillow talk

 

MAGGIE

(scoffs)

You’re an a*****e.

 

JACK

(smirking)

I know.

 

Long pause.

 

JACK

So what’d she call about?

 

MAGGIE

Who?

 

JACK

Loose Legs.

 

MAGGIE

      (giggling)

Oh. She was telling me about Jenny’s party tonight.

 

JACK

What about it?

 

MAGGIE

It got cancelled.

 

JACK

Oh... sooo are you...?

 

MAGGIE

It got moved I should say. (>>>)

MAGGIE (CONT)

Something about a pipe bursting, or something weird like that.

 

JACK

Oh, that’s not good.

 

MAGGIE

But it moved to Jessica Henner’s house.

 

JACK

That is though.

 

MAGGIE

Yea, it should be interesting.

 

JACK

Why’s that?

 

MAGGIE

Because Annie’s bringing this guy as a date and he used to go out with Jessica.

 

JACK

Oh God.

 

MAGGIE

Yea. They broke up recently too, so that will not be a good first date.

 

JACK

That chick is just full of bad decisions. Who takes someone to a party for their first date? That’s just a bad plan from the get-go.

 

MAGGIE

Yea, you’re right. I mean, first dates aren’t my forte, but if a guy brought me to a party, I’d be so disappointed- ‘cause there’s like no room for romance, you know. And you’re yelling a lot. It just ruins everything.

 

JACK

What do you mean first dates aren’t your forte?

 

MAGGIE

I mean that, like, I’m usually not the one making first dates. Like, I’m not the one making the plans. The boy has to do that.

 

JACK

(ironically)

Oh, of course, because you’re such a lady.

 

MAGGIE

F****n’ A.

 

JACK

(laughs loudly)

I’m actually kind of proud of you for that. Not gonna lie

 

Maggie smiles.

 

JACK

What’s the worst first date you’ve ever been on?

 

MAGGIE

Um...

(thinking)

That would have to be... Zach Hancock- 9^th grade.

 

JACK

You had a bad date in ninth grade? What could have been that bad about it? What were your parents late picking you up from the mall?

 

MAGGIE

No.

 

She picks up her head and looks at him.

 

MAGGIE (CONT)

First of all, he took me to see his band, which means that we had to get there two hours before the whole thing started and had to leave an hour after it ended. So I was at this place- I think it was like a church or something- for like five hours. And we spoke about three times, because he had to stay in the back, and I wasn’t allowed back there. Then, after it was over, he drove me straight home.  We didn’t even get dinner or anything, and I was starving. And then, he expected me to hook up with him- I guess he thought that seeing him up on stage would like get me hot, or something- it didn’t... And to top it off, his band was horrible.

 

JACK

(laughing)

That is... that is pretty bad.

 

MAGGIE

What about you?

 

She puts her head back on his chest.

 

MAGGIE

You must’ve had a bad first date.

 

JACK

Um... Not really.

 

MAGGIE

      (sarcastically)

Oh, because you’re just Mr. Perfect.

 

JACK

I have really bad second dates, though.

 

MAGGIE

Alright, what’s the worst second date you’ve had?

 

JACK

That would have to be...

 (thinking)

a little bit over a year and a half ago. The weird thing is that the first date with this girl went really well, like spectacularly well.

 

MAGGIE

What happened?

 

JACK

Nothing. We didn’t go anywhere, we didn’t do anything. We were supposed to go out, but no one was home at her house, and we sat in this hammock in her backyard, and just looked up at the stars and made out and talked. It was really cool.

 

MAGGIE

What happened on the second date?

 

JACK

Oh that’s the best part- Maybe about a week later I called her up and she goes, “Oh, I’m having this party at my house, you should stop by.”

 

Maggie picks her head up, and looks at him.

 

MAGGIE

Oh God, a party?

 

JACK

Yea, a party.

 

MAGGIE

Oh no. What happened?

 

JACK

Well, I got there, and I couldn’t find her anywhere. And I don’t know any of the people there, so I’m like “Hey, where’s soandso?” And I’m getting directed all over the place. I went into the kitchen- not there; living room – not there. Dining room – not there. So I go out into the backyard to see if she’s there, and from behind me I hear “JACK!” so I turn around, and there she is. (>>>)

 

JACK (CONT)

And I’m all excited, because she’s all excited, and she grabs me by the arm and goes “Come meet my boyfriend!” And I don’t really remember much after that, it’s kind of this blur of confusion, but I left pretty quickly.

 

MAGGIE

(laughing)

Oh my God! That’s horrible.

 

JACK

I know.

 

MAGGIE

And horribly awkward.

 

JACK

I know.

 

MAGGIE

Who was that? Do I know her?

 

JACK

Well, darling, I’m pretty sure you do, because that was my second date with you.

 

MAGGIE

(a beat)

Oooooh... I guess that’s why it sounded so familiar.

 

JACK

Yea.

 

MAGGIE

I never apologized for that, did I?

 

JACK

Well, when you called me up six months later crying and telling me that you made a huge mistake, I took that to be an apology.

 

MAGGIE

Oh.

     

She puts her head back on his chest. There is an awkward pause. It’s more awkward on Maggie’s part though, and she looks as if she wants to say something, but can’t find the right words. Jack, on the other hand, is smirking, reveling in the awkwardness that Maggie is feeling right now. Maggie goes to say something, but stops herself.

 

MAGGIE

      (another awkward beat)

I wasn’t really crying, was I?

 

JACK

Like a baby. I could barely understand you.

(faux sobbing; barely coherent)

“Jack please, I’m- I’m- I’m... Oh God!”

(sarcastically)

It was terrible. Super embarrassing.

 

MAGGIE

      (a beat)

Exactly how long have you been waiting to throw that in my face?

 

JACK

How long have you been waiting to throw Annie Leibowitz in mine?

 

MAGGIE

Touche.

      (a beat)

But it really hasn’t been that long- maybe about six months, or something. Like, one day I said something about you and she was like: “Oh... him?” And I was like, “Yea, why?” and she told me. Then I was mad at you for like a week. And then I just kind of forgot.

 

JACK

And you didn’t remember till just now?

 

MAGGIE

Yea, pretty much.

 

JACK

You’re lying.

 

MAGGIE

I know. But it makes me feel more comfortable to lie.

 

JACK

Well, just to be clear, are you lying about that Annie told you I slept with her, or that–

 

He is interrupted by Maggie’s phone again and she gets up off of him and puts the phone to her right ear.

 

MAGGIE

(answering)

Hello...

      (trying not to sound surprised)

Oh hey, baby.

 

She quickly does a 180 so that her back is to Jack.

 

MAGGIE (CONT)

Yea, no, nothing, just, you know, at... home, doing nothing....

 

We see Jack look at her with a devious grin. He gets off the bed, walks up behind her, holds her around her stomach, and props his head on her shoulder to look at her.

 

MAGGIE (CONT)

No I don’t think you should do that.... I’m still not feeling too good, y’know.... Yea, still. And you know how Daddy gets when I’m sick....

 

She tries to pry Jack’s arms from her waist with her free hand.

 

MAGGIE (CONT)

      (cutesy)

Well, he has to protect his little girl....

 

Jack starts kissing the left side of her neck. She stops trying to get his arms off her waist, closes her eyes, and c***s her head the right, in order to expose her neck more.

 

MAGGIE (CONT)

(distracted)

What was that?.... No, yea, I’ll be... um- going.... Yea... for- um... Annie.... Yea... she uh-... she’s nervous...

 

She winces.

 

MAGGIE (CONT)

      (hastily)

I really should go.... Yea, I’ll see you later.

 

She closes her phone, and goes to kiss Jack. But just as she does, he stops kissing her neck and walks away to sit back on the bed, like nothing’s happened. Maggie lingers for a second longer with a look of frustration.

 

MAGGIE (CONT)

Oh that’s real mature.

 

JACK

(laughing)

It’s funny, though.

 

He lies back down on his bed.

 

MAGGIE

      (walking over to Jack)

No, it isn’t! Especially when I’m on the phone with him. I mean what if he does go by my house, and finds out I’m not there. What do you think will happen?

      (sitting down on the bed)

I mean, your girlfriend goes home just about every weekend, she’s barely ever here. Him, though,

      (pointing to her phone)

he’s always around. Plus, I’m pretty sure, I think that he already knows.

 

JACK

He doesn’t know.

 

MAGGIE

How do you know? I mean, I ditch him way too much to be with you. I just... I don’t know

 

JACK

Would he still be with you if he knew?

 

MAGGIE

Probably not.

(a beat)

But you never know, he could be waiting to exact his revenge, or something.

 

JACK

Mags, even if your boyfriend was able to figure this

(pointing to be both of them)

out. I don’t think he’d be able find revenge in the dictionary, so that he knew what word to use when he tells the story to his therapist ten years from now.

 

MAGGIE

He’s not that dumb.

 

Jack gives her an ‘Are you kidding me?’ look.

 

MAGGIE

(defensive)

Alright, well, what about whatserface, you’re telling me she doesn’t suspect a thing?

 

JACK

Except for that one time you left your bag here, no.

 

MAGGIE

What’d you do then?

 

JACK

I told her it was yours.

 

MAGGIE

      (shocked)

What?! Why the f**k did you that?!

 

JACK

(laughing)

Calm down, I told her you were with Adam, and that you must’ve left your bag.

 

MAGGIE

Still! My name is inside her head now. She didn’t know me before, but now she will. If you ever let my name slip, she’ll f*****g pick up on that. (>>>)

MAGGIE (CONT)

(using a nasaled voice to imitate)

“Who’s Maggie Jack? Why are you talking about her, Jack? I thought she was with Adam, Jack.”

      (using her normal voice)

I’m on the grid now m**********r.

 

JACK

      (laughing)

Claire doesn’t talk like that. And stop being so paranoid, like you said, she’s never here anyway.

(sitting up; sincerely)

Listen, it’s been a year, neither of them have figured, or found out. We are fine. We are going to be fine.

 

He grabs her face and kisses her.

 

JACK (CONT)

I promise. We are going to go on being the happy home-wreckers we’ve been for the past year.

 

MAGGIE

(laughing)

I’m going to remember that when this all goes to hell.

 

JACK

Perfect. Your memory’s bullshit.

 

Maggie smiles. Jack kisses her again.

 

FADE OUT.

Author's Note

(>>>) This means there's a page break during the line.