Lipstick and Callous

 

After the credits have run their course, the annoying chirp of an alarm clock starts.

 

CUT TO:

INT: BURGIS’ ROOM - MORNING

 

CU of an alarm clock showing the time as 8:57 a.m. We see BURGIS’ (18) groggy hand hit the snooze button.

 

A wide shot shows him pulling the blanket it off himself, getting up to stretch, and just generally starting his day. He steps over the piles of probably dirty clothes on the floor, and over to a pile that we can only hope is clean. After he finds a shirt & pants combo he deems worthy, he walks into the bathroom.

 

CUT TO:

INT: BATHROOM - MORNING

 

Burgis walks into the bathroom, throws some water on his face, and begins to brush his teeth.

 

CUT TO:

INT: BURGIS’ ROOM - MORNING

 

He comes out of the bathroom wearing the clothes he picked up from the floor. He grabs his jacket(s) off of the only chair in the room, and strolls out of his room. 

 

CUT TO:

INT: BURGIS’ LIVING ROOM - MORNING

 

We see Burgis coming down the stairs. We track him as he B-lines for the door, opens it, and walks to the car that is parked at the end of his driveway.

 

CUT TO:

INT: COUG’S CAR - MORNING

 

Inside the car we see his best friend, COUG (17), who has been waiting for him. Burgis opens the car door and gets in. Coug drives off.

 

BURGIS

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck Mothra!

 

COUG

Did you just watch Godzilla?

 

BURGIS

No, I'm just way into Godzilla cursing, now.

 

COUG

What else goes on in Godzilla cursing?

 

BURGIS

RODAMMIT, that’s a good one.

 

COUG

(laughing)

Anything else?

 

BURGIS

Umm...Gigan’s Dick, King Kock, are also personal favorites.

 

COUG

Why 'Rodammit'?

 

BURGIS

Rodan.

 

COUG

Ooooh, clever. There was a painter Rodin. He made the Thinker.

 

BURGIS

(laughing)

A giant, French Pterodactyl made The Thinker?

 

COUG

Yea, it must’ve been hard with the wings and all. You know - no hands.

 

BURGIS

In my opinion, though, that’s what makes it so damned impressive. 

 

COUG

Oh, most definitely. A guy sitting, thinking about bullshit – not so impressive.

 

BURGIS

A guy sitting, thinking about bullshit by a Pterodactyl, though -

 

COUG

That’s a neat concept.

 

BURGIS

(a beat)

We need to get into a street fight with someone, or some group.

 

COUG

Like a West Side Story street fight, or like a Ryu/Ken street fight?

 

BURGIS

(pause; ponders)

... Both. At the same time.  I want to Hadouken some Jets; maybe rain some sweet Sonic Boom on those greasy Sharks.

 

COUG

When you you're a jet, you're a jet till the end. And I’m pretty sure that includes getting fucked up by the dude from Street Fighter.

 

BURGIS

Last night I was looking up Coulrophobia and I got a great idea -

 

COUG

Why?

 

BURGIS

Why what?                 

 

COUG

Why were you looking up the fear of clowns?

 

BURGIS

Because I can- But check it: I’m going to buy a whole bunch of pigs, and tattoo clown makeup to their faces. Or kidnap some cats, and just put clown makeup on their faces. You know, like airbrushed or something. But, like, permanent. And with those cats I’m going to start a new phobia: Ailurocoulrophobia.

 

COUG

You and your dreams.

      (a beat; sudden realization)

Oh, I heard the best cat story. Well not the best, but I was entertained.

 

BURGIS

Lay it on me.

 

COUG

You’ve seen the dorms at STAC, right?

 

BURGIS

Some of them.

 

COUG

Well, they're all little cottages and when you open the door to the cottage the stairs are right in front of you.

 

BURGIS

Yeah.

 

COUG

So you just need to visualize that.

 

BURGIS

Also, I heard the most badass Lon Cheney quote ever:

"There is nothing funny about a clown in the moonlight."

 

COUG

(laughing)

Where'd you find that?

 

BURGIS

Last night.

 

COUG

It's weird how there are some fears you can't get, but at the same time you totally understand. Clowns I understand; heights I understand. You know what I don't understand.

 

BURGIS

Pickles I don't understand.

 

COUG

My neighbor is afraid of my dog, but she's known my dog for years. And never once -

 

BURGIS

S.O.S.

 

COUG

What?

 

BURGIS

Son of Sam. Also, did you know there was a carnival haunted house with a legit dead body in it? And nobody knew.

 

COUG

Bullshit. Where?

 

BURGIS

Somewhere out in the West.

 

COUG

Of course.

 

BURGIS

This murderer got hanged, and a circus bought the corpse, and just displayed it. But then they just ended up stashing it, and it somehow wound up on a dark ride as a “hanged man.” And nobody knew.

 

COUG

Wouldn't it stink up the place?

 

BURGIS

Mummified. No smell.

 

COUG

Talk about eerie.

 

BURGIS

Talk about awesome.

 

COUG

Talk about destiny.

 

BURGIS

What?

 

COUG

How often do carnivals happen stumble upon dead bodies in auctions? Especially carnivals that run a haunted house. That’s a match made in heaven.

 

BURGIS

Oh, without a doubt.

 

COUG

What happened when they found out?

 

BURGIS

Who?

 

COUG

Well, someone had to have found out and not been too happy about it.

 

BURGIS

Oh... buried it, I guess.

 

Coug muses over the story for a second more.

 

COUG

Anyway, cat story: so these two girls lived together last year, and one of them – girl A - was like “I'm getting a cat.” And the other one – girl B - goes 'Can you do that?' And A’s just like, 'No, but f**k it.'

 

BURGIS

Right on.

 

COUG

So she gets the kitten. And B doesn't really care too much, so she's not angry, she just doesn't want to get in trouble.

 

BURGIS

Understandably.

 

COUG

One day, A goes out to class, and tells B to watch the kitten. B obliges, because she doesn’t want to start a fight, and over the past couple of weeks she’s kind of warmed up to the little guy. But, during the course of the class, B goes outside to smoke a cigarette and leaves the door open.

 

BURGIS

Uh-oh.

 

COUG

See, I know where you think it's going, because I thought the same thing. But it gets better.

 

BURGIS

Well I find it funny, because when I worked at the store, sometimes when people came in I would yell at them, “CLOSE THE DOOR WE HAVE CATS!!” And they're like "... Wait this is an ice cream parlor." And then I go "Oh yeah. Also, I don't own any cats, so I guess I was wrong." And then we share a nice laugh and have ice cream together.

 

COUG

(laughing)

Awesome... So security comes around and they're looking for someone.

 

BURGIS

Oh no.

 

COUG

They come up to B, who's outside smoking, and ask “Have you seen soandso?” She says, “No,” because she hasn’t, and then they walk inside to take a look around the room. When they walk in, though, they see the kitten sitting at the top of the stairs. And look back to the girl and go, “Uhhh... do you have a kitten in here?”

 

BURGIS

Awwwww. That's so cute in my head. Just sitting at the top of the stairs, staring down at them, with its head cocked to the side.

 

He c***s his head to the side, imitating the kitten in his head.

 

COUG

I know, right? That’s exactly how I saw it, when I heard this. But, B’s like, “No of course not.” So, they look back to the stairs and the kitten's f*****g gone. So they’re like, “We definitely just saw a kitten at the top of those stairs.” And B's like “I don’t know what you're talking about.” So, they go looking for the cat, and, of course, they find it. And the B's like, “...Oh that cat...yea we're pet-sitting for someone.” But the cat has to go that night. So A comes back and finds out that the cat has to go and she was so mad; she was like, “You had one job to do... The only thing you had to do was shut the door... Seriously...Is it too hard to shut the f*****g door?”

 

BURGIS

That’s the saddest story I’ve ever heard. There's a homeless kitten now. You know how I feel about baby animals.

 

COUG

You mean how everyone feels about baby animals?

 

BURGIS

Baby Animals are the only thing I honestly like. Everything else has to deal with irony and sarcasm. But baby animals are extremely important to me. There's nothing I don't like about baby animals. Other than that they'll grow up.

 

COUG

      (a beat)

Do you think a baby tiger can f**k you up?

 

BURGIS

I don't think a real tiger could f**k me up.

 

COUG

I don't mean ‘you’ as in you. I mean ‘you’ as in y'all.

 

BURGIS

(thinking)

Only if you let it. I mean I think the rule of thumb is: unless that baby tiger is your bestest friend, don't sleep while it's in the room.

 

COUG

 (a beat)

What's the biggest baby land mammal?

 

BURGIS

Umm... Elephants, I think.

 

COUG

Hmm... How big are they?

 

BURGIS

You can ride them.

 

COUG

Do you think a baby elephant could f**k you – plural - up?

 

BURGIS

Only if they trample you.

 

COUG

What's the life span of an elephant? Is it like human years? Or like what human years should be?

 

BURGIS

Dunno.

 

 

 

COUG

It seems like they should, live for like thirty-forty years, you know, since they only have like two or three kids.

 

BURGIS

I think that’s right.

 

CUT TO:

EXT: PARKING LOT – MORNING

 

Coug’s car pulls into a spot in a deserted (or almost deserted) parking lot.

 

CUT TO:

INT: COUG’S CAR – MORNING

 

BURGIS

      (looking around)

Soooooo... what are we doing?

 

COUG

We’re waiting.

 

BURGIS

Obviously.

 

COUG

Really? Was it that obvious?

 

BURGIS

Yes. What are we waiting for?

 

COUG

Creston.

 

BURGIS

Why are we waiting for him?

 

COUG

He told me to be here.

 

BURGIS

Oh. Why?

 

COUG

I don’t know. He just told me to be here.

 

BURGIS

When?

 

COUG

Last night. He said to be in this parking lot.

 

BURGIS

Did he specify a time?

 

COUG

Umm...

(thinking)

Not really, no. He just said to be here.

 

BURGIS

Well how do we know what time he’ll get here?

 

COUG

I guess we don’t.

 

BURGIS

(scoffs)

Well that’s not annoying. Can we call him?

 

COUG

No phone.

 

BURGIS

Where is it?

 

COUG

Left it at home. What about you?

 

BURGIS

Psh. I don’t need no phone. 

 

COUG

They are for people with a constant need to feel loved.

 

BURGIS

Damn skippy. I don’t need no phone.

 

COUG

Left yours at home, too?

 

BURGIS

Nope. In a cab.

 

COUG

A cab? When?

 

BURGIS

The other day, I think.

 

COUG

Where?

 

BURGIS

I don’t know, some cab.

 

COUG

No where was the cab?

 

BURGIS

Oh. The city.

 

COUG

Did you try calling it?

 

BURGIS

No answer. So it’s either dead and rolling around the sticky floor of a cab, or it’s in a trashcan somewhere.

 

COUG

D’you think the cabbie throw it out?

 

BURGIS

Of course he would. People have no respect for personal things.

 

COUG

Cabbies least of all.

 

BURGIS

Exactly.

 

COUG

 (a beat; annoyed) 

Wait a minute. You went to the city without me?

 

BURGIS

I was running errands.

 

COUG

Doing what?

 

BURGIS

I don’t know. Errands.

 

COUG

(satisfied with the answer)

Alright.

 

BURGIS

Can we go get your phone?

 

COUG

What if he shows up?

 

BURGIS

Yea, that wouldn’t be good.

 

COUG

He won’t wait.

 

BURGIS

      (a beat)

Well then, nothing to be done.

 

He reclines in his seat, folds his arms, and shuts his eyes.

 

COUG

(laughing)

Nothing to be done.

 

He looks out the window.

FADE OUT.

 

 

Author's Note

(>>>) This means there's a page break in the middle of the line.