No one

something i wrote to finally get things out

I should’ve realized it sooner. Shouldn’t have prolonged the enviable. Why though? Why did it take me so long? So long to realize I was gonna lose it all. So long to realize there was no going back? So long to realize that it wasn’t going to end well? Why? Why couldn’t somebody tell me? Clue me in? Tell me to get out? Before I hit the point of no return. Before I was over my head. Before I couldn’t turn back. Just to have someone say “Stop.” “It’s not worth it.” “Just let it go.” But no. No one was there. I was all alone. Alone to figure it all out. Alone to deal with it all. Alone to fight by myself. Just to have someone there for support would’ve made all the difference. But no. I had burned all my bridges. Stuck my nose into too many things. To find even one person who pitied me would’ve been a feat. I don’t think there were any. Are any. Basically everything’s gone. Gone to a stillness. Gone to somewhere where its one against the world. Gone to a place ruled solely by ones defeat. Because that’s what I was. Defeated. Deflated. Screwed basically. I had no one. Nothing. No one to stand by me. To comfort me. To confide in me. No one cared. They wanted nothing to do with me. Once they realized what I had done. Once it was out I was finished. I prayed they wouldn’t know it was me. But my name was on it. And for that I was hated. Trashed. Abused. So I tried to hide. Lay low. But that only made everything so much more obvious. Everyone knew. It had circled twice. Some pretended they didn’t know. Ignored it. Others. Well, they were the first to know. And let it be known. I walked with my head hung low. Never looking up. Never trying again. I was done. So what? F**k them all. Who are they to judge? They don’t know the whole story. So who are they to tell me what I can and cannot do? Where I can go? Who I can see? They have nothing on me. Nothing but a secret that everyone already knew. So why was I hiding? Why couldn’t I just face it? Because it hurt too much. That’s why. I couldn’t live with it. Couldn’t deal. It didn’t matter that everyone knew. It was that I knew what I did. That I knew I screwed up. That I knew that no one would ever forget. I couldn’t look at myself. I was sickened. To know that it was me. This once innocent girl. Now soiled by hate and love and betrayal. They deserved it. But at the end of the day, was I much better? I hated. I loved. And I betrayed. So I was the same. I had dropped to level never known before. And on that level there was only room for one. And I filled it. There was no going back. No undoing it. No forgetting. No nothing. It would stick with me for the rest of my life. And that. That was a reality I could not face.