Won't Go Away

Something I wrote that represents what I felt for someone a long time ago.

I don’t want to miss him, but I do. I don’t want to ache for him, but I do. I don’t want to have anything to do with him, but I do. He burned me. He lied to me. He almost wound me up in jail. But yet, I still yearn for him. Still want to talk to him. To hug him. To know that a part of me belongs to him and him a part of me. But why? Why do I want this? Because I love him. Well, at least I did. Back then I wouldn’t. I couldn’t. He wasn’t mine, I wasn’t his. I was just there for support. Nothing less, nothing more. A ‘brother’ as he put it. But as the days turned into weeks and the weeks into months something changed in me. I found myself wanting more. More of him. More of me. More of us. But he. Well he didn’t feel the same. He. He was off in his own world. Totally oblivious to the fact that he was the center of mine. I didn’t savor the time I had while I had it. I thought that it would last forever. Well at least longer than it did. It didn’t matter that so many things went wrong. It didn’t matter that they weren’t together anymore or that I really didn’t play a part in his life. What did matter was that he and I had been through so much and that there was nothing we couldn’t overcome. Well, apparently I was wrong. When we were forced to stop talking. Stop interacting. Stop everything we had. I tried to forget him. To write off everything we ever had as a lie. I tried to hate him. To forget him. To erase him. But the more I tried, the harder it was to forget. He was in my every waking breath. My every thought. My every sigh. The more I tried to deny it. The clearer it became. I didn’t admit it. Couldn’t admit it. Wouldn’t admit it. But it was true. I, I loved him. But I couldn’t. It was forbidden. Couldn’t happen. No one would understand. And besides, he had moved on. But it still hurt, to know. To know that I felt so strongly for him and he had no idea. To know that we could never be. To know that no one could find out. But, I wanted them to. I wanted to be seen as an ‘us’. I wanted to be seen as ‘his girl’. I wanted people to envy what I had. What we had. But none of that would ever happen. To have dreams like that is silly. To believe in things that won’t happen. It’s stupid. But no matter how stupid it may be I still dreamed. And fantasized. And sometimes even pried to see if he felt the same. And at the end of the day. It ended just like I knew it would. With my dreams crushed and me left with an emptiness that ate at me inside. I tried to fill it with other people. And other things. But the end of each thought was soiled by his presence. He was the last thing I thought of before I went to bed and the first thing the next morning. Well maybe I wouldn’t allow myself to have that last memory. Or that first thought. Maybe I could change that. Change all of it. What would happen then? Would he feel it? Would he know the effort it took me to let him go? No, of course not. He’d never know. Because he never knew I felt that way. Never cared. Never took the time to really see what was in front of him.  So now I hope he starts to feel it. Because I’m not stopping until he really is forgotten.