iPhone Notes - The Death of an Era

December 8 2016

I wanted to escape to a cave somewhere because the NSA are watching me 

December 6 2016

I wanted everyone to remember me in the music I loved

December 6 2016

I knew hospitals. I knew their corridors like thin veins in my wrist. Not sliced anymore, but they had potential. I was convinced I would never get better. No one could feel the deep despair I could feel, that sent shivers up and down my skin as I stared at the ceiling, that held my throat so tightly and bashed my head against the bathroom floor. If I couldn't get fucked up, I would get a concussion or several bruises I couldn't explain to other people. It wasn't just despair, it was foggy anxiety that left me unable to make decisions, it was a rapidly changing perception of myself parallel to the mirror, it was skin crawling that left me sleepless for days, it was starvation. It was the music spilling out of my phone speaker in angry voices, threatening instruments, an orchestra from hell. I couldn't listen to music without scared for two months. It sounded like entrance music for the devil himself. I think, I've wasted so much time being possessed by these demons, I thought they were the only true friends I had. Invisible outlines haunting the edges of my room, sat just so they could look past my pupils and into my soul. We always had that connection. It was comfortable.

We sipped from the same bottle and we were drunk off each other's misery. They must have escaped through the pipe and with each exhale, spinning whispy in clouds. I loved them, they loved me. I was their favorite person, their muse, their only way of existing. I can't count how many times I've overdosed on Prozac, on Benadryl, on Imipramine, on glasses of cheap wine. I thought of it as gasoline. I chugged my wine, I chugged everything. It was almost a game- how drunk could I get in thirty minutes? How far would I go for alcohol? I would go as far as getting myself raped by someone that got mad at me for having a pregnancy scare. Telephone calls for anyone that would listen to me, babbling and crying into a bottle of Malibu on my dorm room floor on a rainy Saturday. Scribbled notes here and there, plans for what to do next. Walking around drunk in the rain, eventually falling into the passenger seat of my best friend's car. Waking to sunshine and vomit. 

My downfall was that no one could see the demons except me. We had quite the affair, such a secret fascination, flirting with death. Benadryl nights spent listening to giggling and howling. They loved when I was drugged up- my true self came to be and I could hardly distinguish myself from the demons. Same darkened eyes, same bloodless skin, flushed and porcelain. They held my hands when no one else would. Love was always whaqt I really wanted, but no one could get as close to me as these demons did. And if they tried, they were chased away within weeks. No one could really have my heart.

I was paralyzed when it came to food. I wanted all of it or none of it, and I had excuses for both. But my mother didn't mind, "it's just a diet" she would say, in a way that left me so hopeless I couldn't comprehend eating even a single bite. I hated not seeing a supermodel in the mirror. I wished for it on my birthday, I wished on lucky cigarettes. I just want to be skinny. I want my clothes to hang off me and I want people to see my dangerous edges. Edges, not curves. Collarbones and hip bones sticking out, chicken-bone legs- I have a problem because I think I will never feel beautiful unless I am emaciated. Just myself though. Other people were all beautiful. They had it differently. 

I just wish the sun made me happy instead of making me want to hide forever.

October 21 2016

I miss being sober I miss feeling high

October 15 2016

Dimly lit rooms of people who don't care about each other, but they're all smiling. Smiling at me, smiling at him. My heart  sank. It was dark. I had his finger in my mouth and looked up at him with pretend innocence. "you're bad aren't you?" I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry. "I'm whatever you want me to be," I glowered and smiled through yellow teeth. Smoking teeth. Bad girl teeth. I wondered if anyone loved him.

September 2 2016

Blissful in my entrapment of 

Benevolence

We'll call it that today:

August 27 2016

Something about waiting in Starbucks made me want to kill myself very much. I think it was because the barista seemed to like her job, and because the man sitting diagonally from me reminded me of the boy I probably couldn't have. In any case, I wanted to die, and nothing was new.

August 24 2016

Grass is the most hunted animal

August 17 2016

Another pedestal toppled. but this time somehow I wasn't prepared for him.

August 13 2016

And through firey eyes she hissed: "I know you did that on purpose."

July 20 2016

where have all the flowers gone

Judy blue eyes

People don't sing about things that didn't happen

July 18 2016

Sometimes I can't get out of my head. People have told me I'm like heroin, and I think I must be, because I can barely even feel my lips anymore. I am rotten inside and out.

July 11 2016

I was intoxicated with rage, euphoria making my hair stand on end and my heart pounding in my ears. My skin was crawling like some kind of insectuous infestation. I screwed it out of the pencil sharpener hastily and through fuzzy vision. It fell onto my foot. It hit softly and innocently. It gave me the same threatening feeling as when a bumblebee would land on my arm. I giggled and picked it up between my middle finger and my thumb. It was silver and shiny, it was smaller than half a lego brick. I jammed it into my arm and electricity ran up and down the bridge of my spine. Something exploded behind my eyes, something erupted in my skin. I stared in disbelief as it took a solid three seconds for the abyss to fill with crimson. I knew it. I knew I wasn't really alive. Tears broke and I choked. I knew it, I knew it.

June 28 2016

Their fingers folded together like some gated fence or jail cell. Her eyes danced but I could tell her heart was caged again, the same cycle of invisible emotion she was stuck in three years ago. Nothing was said about it. The only things we communicated were the synapsed seconds between out batted eyelashes, the heartbeats it took for our smiles to fade and the silence in the car. I wasn't even twenty-one yet and I knew she was doomed.

May 12 2016

So in touch with your inner demons that everything you said out loud was half to spite them

April 9 2016

Nothing elapses the way my heart does.

Jealousy in the sun and moon.

Stranded from burning every exit and entrance, but it is just as well. 

These are nightmare days.

March 28 2016

Literally do anything you want in life

March 26 2016

Sorry I believed you

March 25 2016

But I couldn't handle living in another city when I was this exhausted. You'd have your evenings out and gaze into the dark heart of your downtown with little diamonds floating lightyears above all of it. I couldn't stand knowing your heart was a regular customer at the same bar that consumed me in my coldest year.

March 7 2016

This plant must be diesel, it is poison. It radiates from under my bed- secret of my heart. Takes my tears.

February 27 2016

Disintegrating when she's by herself

the introvert, collapsing

February 14 2016

"Went to nightclub, went to a basement with long hallways. He was leading me through the hallways. In every doorway, there was a dark eyed man wearing the same orange sweater he wore when I first met him. The men all smiled at me, but when they thought I wasn't looking, they looked at him and nodded knowingly. That's when I knew."

February 7 2016

But the thing about other people is that no one else knows about your egocentric god complex and no one cares that you haven't eaten in four days and no one cares about how many times you've said "I'm fine" and didn't mean it - the only person it means anything to is you and you're gonna die all by yourself one day anyway so you either win or you lose, right now, right this second.

February 7 2016

People find stuff when they find it

January 31 2016

You are so ancient

God himself doesn't remember you.

Dragging statically you stagger in

As my silhouette, 

Rogue and unfamiliar in language-

Nod at my falling teeth.

Ice pins prick my bare arm and 

Goosebump across my skull, 

I know what comes next.

The devil licking his own blood from 

my fingers, 

How like him it is to snicker. 

How like him I watch 

And smell your very last words.