Update

A Story by scarlynn

nothing dont read this

If anyone ever asked me what the problem was I would probably explode at them so abruptly it would be like someone else exploding at me.

I sit in bed for hours doing nothing and that is the most exercise I get, so starvation is always sitting in the back of my mind like some multiple choice answer I can never seem to cross out. My relationships nearly change with the wind, because for some reason the smallest incident or the wrong two seconds can completely change everything at the most absolute degree you can think of. I've hated and fallen in love in vicious cycles multiple times a day, every day. Someone might be smiling at me and I'd smile back and also know that I would never talk to them again and cast them out like I've cast out so many people before them. In the next second I might be writing them a poem.

My moods include lightly and functionally depressed, glued to my bed, nothingness and imaginary, bemusedness, euphoric, anxious to nausea, manic, trashed, bleeding/concussed, drunk, high, stoned, and sleeping, if I can get any. They switch and take turns like angry young children fighting over who gets to do what first. Every few hours, every few days, right in the most inconvenient places I can think of. Somehow I manage to be fine these days, but that's only because I've barely been sober for two weeks.

If you ever asked me to spend a weekend alone again I would need you to leave alcohol or at least a car for me to go do something impulsive, like go home with a random stranger and see and watch the situation progress and see how deep underwater I can find myself, laughing the whole way. It's been a while since I've been passed out bruised and bloody. But the worst thing is, I love it. I love all of it. And it's so hard.