Writer's Block No. 1

Elusive and ethereal are what I look for in a partner 

and I'm stuck between wanting only your soul and 

wanting to hear your breathing change when I look 

at you in a way only I know to do, but regardless 

I'm awake at two a.m. and I'm exclusively lonely and 

thoughtful. My cheekbones aren't gilded but I'm hollow 

and hopeful enough for them to be, I was given the 

right chance in the wrong body but no one seems to 

care about that the same way I do and though it makes 

me want to kill myself I can strike up a deal for alcohol 

in return for a half hour of me pretending I don't hate 

every bleeding second of spiritual agony while I give away 

every shred of confidence I have. My moods change so 

quickly at the slight dip in a major key and it makes 

me feel like I'm not even alive which is why I stare at you 

without saying anything, not because I'm in love with 

you but because I don't feel like it matters whether I 

shift my gaze or not. I try not to give in to the voice 

demanding I smash my head against the tile in the 

last stall just to prove something to myself, but the 

only thing I can prove is that I still can't handle being 

on my own and I abuse every power you give me, and I 

get too much of a kick out of being secretly intoxicated 

in public that I know I'm never going to grow out of myself. 

I don't care about going to class unless the ground is 

foggy and my vision goes from side to side because 

otherwise I can't handle the thoughts I get when I spend fifty 

minutes learning about some disorder I feel I've already 

surpassed. You don't think about me anymore but if you 

ever told me you did, I wouldn't want to know and it's an 

awful thing to realize this because I'm shedding my old skin 

and I'm finding that I am no butterfly- I am the most sinister 

death-filled woman I have ever thought of. I surprise myself 

with who catches my fancy and how I don't judge anyone 

for smoking the wrong things or smoking at all, and I don't 

know what to do about the kid who threatened to kill 

himself because for the past two weeks he's become the 

only person I believe in, and I'll never even meet him 

in real life.

Reviews

[Will Fairlie]

this gave me chills, straight to the bone. you have a way with words, and i'm happy you shared this with us to be able to experience it. my favorite line was " I am the most sinister death-filled woman I have ever thought of." it makes sense in many forms, because you only know yourself on the level of intimacy which would have to established to understand the subliminal and darker emotions, those which don't always flow forth from people like water, unlike how they want to tell you about their day and discuss the weather. this here, what you've written, seems charged with both suicidal thoughts and sexual desires; seems like a pretty dangerous cocktail. I hope you are able to overcome your inner darkness, and re-shed this skin you're in currently; that is unless you are content. regardless, thank you for sharing your work!

[Leo Allen]

I love entering your mind with these entries. I can relate to quite a bit of this.

[scarlynn]

Thank you :)