Possible Reasons for Being Fucked Up

I have anniversaries for too many things that shouldn't mean that much at all.

Including:

The day the restraining order ended

The day I left the boy I thought I was going to marry for a boy I knew I wasn't going to marry

The day you told me Kurt Cobain was a coward for killing himself

The day I threw up at the carnival

The day I hated being alone for the first time

The day and exact time at which he called me drunk

The day it rained on the bus and I felt skinny

The day I cried in the theater and told someone I loved them even though they betrayed me

I remember too many things of obscurity, and every single one of them has a song.

But the thing about songs is that they never really resolve any feelings or get rid of any terrible, growling demons at your heels - they just immortalize ideas and make me stupid enough to remember everything and mourn them whenever they come along during the year. I think I am my own death that I am reliving.