12/14

You didn't know the effort I put into being bad while I was still good. You didn't know the way I laughed at you when you tried putting your arm behind me in that booth, and you certainly didn't know the way I secretly thought it was the cutest thing I'd ever seen. You didn't know how hard I was trying to get you to lie down next to me on the carpet and you didn't know how I'd been thinking of it all evening on the forty degree bleachers. I was exiled that day, that's when everything really slipped. My naive side will always overtake me. 

You didn't know that I had been sleeping on my floor for a month because I was too lazy to make my bed and you didn't know the feeling I got from the Christmas lights twinkling in my frostbitten room in complete silence, and how I instead chose to listen to the same three songs on repeat after you broke my heart the day I turned eighteen. You didn't know the desperately lonely texts I sent and you didn't know the girl throwing up on the bathroom floor of the club I snuck into. You didn't know how I twirled around the street and grabbed anyone passing me by because stars were in my eyes and everything was frozen in a fear I hadn't yet experienced. You didn't know this was my second time feeding the fire that would inevitably ruin my life but you wouldn't have tried to stop me anyway since you were trashed in the same way.

You didn't know the way any type of winter weather reminded me of you, not only because we had really seen it all together but also because it was beautiful. You didn't know how damned I felt when I had to call your name just to get you to look me in the eyes finally and I reached out and grabbed your hand without saying a word. That was the last time I ever would and what you don't know, is the electricity that haunts me every time it's dark and cold and safe outside.