She No.1

She was never really scared of you,

she was never really scared of anything - 

only what was growing inside her.

She had to give him some credit - 

he did help water that wilty, sordid 

thing, that poisoned her veins and she never understood

why no one saw its leaves in her irises.

She knew the smell of death in sixth grade.

She knew how it looked, she knew how to hide from it.

But what she didn't know was 

the length death would go 

to make itself a part of her.

She didn't know that he would scoff at the most serious thing she had ever done.

She didn't know that "congratulations" 

was just too hard to say at her high school graduation,

she didn't know he would try just one more time 

to make her cry during a huge accomplishment.

She knew it was on purpose, though.

That's why she's walking me down the aisle instead.

She also didn't know just how much she'd be

DYING of laughter when, 

after she apologized,

she remembered who hacked her Facebook account in eighth grade. 

And she remembered her feminist hero 

at that hell party decked white, when she said 

"I miss him, he was a good guy".

She realized how much she hated adults in those heels and that sequin dress.

She apologized at noon the day after she almost died,

and then she remembered getting assaulted all alone 

and he called her a s**t for getting assaulted and afterwards he tried giving her advice and she believed he was being sincere and then two months later she almost succeeded in her third attempt in death's hand and spent a week in Girl Interrupted only to sit and plot the next time. 

Why did she need to apologize?

Why did she ruin her art?

She only started feeling guilty

because life's short and something could have mattered

but if I've felt the same way since sixth grade,

how can it be possible for anyone else to change?

She knew that her apologies 

came so easy

she practically replaced them with "hello".

She just hoped everyone believed them

because she can be a sociopath too,

and she can be a goddamn good one.