Nearly Nineteen

A Poem by scarlynn

Bye Bye to All Birds by Louie Bellson

They're playing Bye Bye to All Birds and instantly I knew it was my funeral song. I knew right away that I needed to hear it on my way up heaven's staircase. I knew I needed to hear it while I saw my mother's wrinkly face shrouded in sunbeams, I knew I needed to hear it when I saw my old friends standing watching me. I knew I needed to hear this song play when I finally saw your deep sienna eyes again. I knew what we would both look like. I know you'd know me. I knew you would think of me as the same exact age. It was the last time I saw you, but I didn't know it.

I think I'm fine all the time, I think I'll find someone that loves me like you did, and then I walk down the square at night, and the neon blinks pinkly at me. It starts to rain during the afternoon and the sky is painted black and sad, and everything looks greener and I know you would light up too. He leaves the room to pour us both a drink and I see you as soon as I close my eyes. I think you're with me when I'm alone, like a guardian angel. But you're not dead, you're just gone.

I wish I would have sent you that stupid sweater. I wish you'd have seen it in your closet sometimes and tried it on when you were alone. I wish you'd have grabbed it and collapsed on your bed sobbing after the worst breakup of your life. I wish it had made you think about how much you'd wanted to hold my hand too.

I think about visiting someday. I think about telling you I'm visiting, and I think about going to a bar in your hometown in a slinky sparkly dress, putting my hair up and reddening my lips over a glass of spiced rum. I think about waiting there forever, until you find me. I think about drinking myself to death in that bar. I think they'd play Bye Bye to All Birds every time I went there, just for me, because I'm a regular and because it's my funeral song. I think about you walking in alone and sitting a few chairs away from me. I think about how we'd make eye contact for a few seconds and then one of us would smile. I think about who would ask first. "Do I know you?"

I hate knowing that you're my one true love, because I'll never really see you again. You'll be married and happy, or I'll be married and sad because I was desperate for a husband. I hate knowing that this is how I will always live now. I hate knowing that I'll be nineteen forever, and I hate knowing that I'll always be holding hands with my fourteen year old self. She's with me everywhere, and tugs my sleeve when I get too close to any man. My heart left on that plane with you, and it was a one-way flight.

© 2015 scarlynn

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emmajoy

' I think they'd play Bye Bye to All Birds every time I went there, just for me, because I'm a regular and because it's my funeral song. I think about you walking in alone and sitting a few chairs away from me. I think about how we'd make eye contact for a few seconds and then .. .. '

There's such passion in this and don't mean the sex.drive kind of passion but, the way in which you' ve phrased your feelings, the scenes, the attitude to that other person in your life.. your once life. Your phrasing is unusual, tis as if your words are part of that song, chorus and refrain, chorus and refrain.. tis unusual but entirely believable and actually - beautiful. Will remember this prose poem..