Use What We Have, Says Didion

I have my mother’s fur coat, its shield against

the cold fire of eyes, a sable stare in regret

I have the jolt of my daughter’s screams as

I force her into a hot pink top, her slick searching

fingers questioning the covers

I have walking in - my son’s pants around his ankles - 

the bright laughs that followed my shutting the door,

as he declares it "not as bad as he thought,"

his shrug as full as his embrace

I have my child’s defiant loyalties, searching telephone books

for lost fathers; his lame walk on a wire between womb,

and stem, and air

I have sisters who churn up and down - while I curdle

to a muddy green - and shoot me from silent cannons,

giggling mindless at refrigerator doors

I have his forehead, the agonizing pause between years,

when I am disassembled in time, unmoving pieces of clocks

waiting for night, to start ticking

I have empty pews, friends forgetting to have ears, cloying for

hymnals - their lipstick, their wigs, their lunches, too small -

too many letters without bindings

I have Ferris wheels delivering broken vows, the horror of horse

heads bobbing up and down on sticks we are meant to ride,

waving with each circle

I have his boxing ring analogy, Avitene to bind a wound he cut,

a letter too late - his kiss on a park bench, too wet, too open

as I held on too tight to the seat cushion

I have synaptic tendrils in glass cases, wired speakers for coffins

I have 60-inch TV sets, and to-do lists chained with acid strings

I have tache readings bleeping from chords - too high, too high

  

I have cigarettes on the back porch, in the dark, circling drains;

nights pleading naked in tepees with ghosts

I have leaves falling beyond the pane, god’s moon-eye 

through the window feigning ignorance, 

the chorus yips of coyotes calling each other

by name 

I have a glass bottle of ash, a white t-shirt marked

May 1980, black block-letters 

commemorating eruption

I have a mirror straining, full with eyes, 

voices in front of me, 

voices behind me

Reviews

[Hannah]

I really love this, so moving, familiar yet eery, comforting yet dark, leaving me as a reader feeling vulnerable in the middle of such raw memory. Bravo!

[Kristina Moulaison]

Hi Hannah! Thanks so much...good to see you on here!

[Hannah]

You're welcome! It's good to see you still here as well, I love the community here an am excited to be more vocal about my writing and others' writing.

[KCthelastboyscout]

This is unique and absolutely. Wonderful. Listing the people and things in your life and including the meanings behind it.just incredible. This is one of the best things I've read in the cafe

[Kristina Moulaison]

Wow...thanks so much! :)

[Richard Layne]

I love this. the list of items, the meaning behind them, the memories. i'm going to read some more :)