In Silence

Can I

scream any louder?

Will my lidded temples hold

this pressure cooker build up

as it bubbling bursts, spitting

fire against your abysmal walls?

F**k this, f**k all of

this, and then some!

Your density is far too intense

a thing to hold atop the head of this

pin, this micro world of magnified

insanity.

You are too much to hold.

The stabbing, burning regret

is too heavy

and this was never 

my burden

to carry.

Your dimming life

traded for mine

is too high a price

to pay

for

my sympathies...

she thought, smiling.

Reviews

[Clockwork]

The source of the frustration here feels like it has festered for quite sometime. Unless I am mistake, it feels as if the speaker has endured years of such treatment, and it has caused the realization that she has at the end of the poem.

What I really like about this piece is your intensity. You don't hold back. You give your readers the full emotional scope of the events. You don't hold back from letting a few F Bombs fly. I like this poem and your writing for all of those things.

[Kristina Moulaison]

Thank you, yes you are right about the festering and all of that! I appreciate your words!

[Michael Bauer]

i don't like using a casual discussion like this as group psycho-therapy, so i'm only going to talk about the way the poem is written. i think that the entire 'message' would change with changes in punctuation -- not for the better, but because 'psychology' on this level is just gossiping by jargon.

basically, it's a prose piece, shallow, a chatty short story, broken into arbitrary line breaks. the poetry is what's sick in this, not the author. the author's a nice person with some complex thoughts looking for a mode of expression. the shallow part comes from how you've told the story -- as though you were talking to 4 year olds. to make this work on a deeper level, combine and condense and then contrast moods against each other to suggest an emotion. there's no novelist's 'emotion' that can cover all the many sensations and sentiments suggested in this. when you invent a poem, you invent an emotion too.

[Kristina Moulaison]

Thanks for reading, Michael! I really appreciate your thoughts! Very helpful suggestions if I wanted to turn this into something more than the rant at someone the character does see as a four year old that it is. I really appreciate you critiquing the writing as I couldn't care less about the rest. What I was attempting was a contrast between how this character feels on the inside versus the smile she displays on the outside. I'm not sure I care enough about the subject matter to have put any more into this and I would love to talk more with you about what you meant at the end of your comment, but I'll just say I really appreciate you taking the time to share what you really thought about it.

[Michael Bauer]

Thanks for taking my opinions as valid. What i really like is writing itself, because creating a mood is an art in itself. i think you have to set up some kind of suggestion of what the world is like -- what the people you're ranting over are like -- and, then succinctly select something about yourself and them...

like, maybe starting the poem with the stanza, 'f**k this, f**k all of this, and then some! like the first notes in a piece of music -- it sets up a 'them' immediately so that the author's 'me' is strong from the first.

then, after 'then some', maybe i'd follow with the beginning you've got now:

... then some!

can i scream any louder??

i think that would open up 'will my lidded temples hold' and smooth them into something more direct... something like, 'will my lidded temple explode, held pressure stay until it bubbling bursts'... something like this... although my suggestion is too 1914 sounding to me to work -- self-consciously expressionist...

but, another way of dealing with this kind of poem is to go directly as a word poem, using the sound and energy of the words to bust into the reader...

shall i scream,
can my pressure bubble
burst inside your temple walls --
your, 'f**k this, f**k that'
micro intensities
penetrated?

[Kristina Moulaison]

Thank you so much! I don't know if I will work on this poem any more, though I will try. But just so you know, years ago your words set me free in a way. For a while I built castles in your hands and mostly now am lost to conformity. I think I write mostly to an audience I despise or that makes me despise myself. Wanting to sit at your feet awhile.

[Kristina Moulaison]

I do like this...It does communicate more closely what I meant to.
f**k this, f**k all of this
and then some!
Can I scream any louder
will my lidded temple explode,
held pressure stay
until it bubbling bursts
spitting fire against
your abysmal walls?

[Michael Bauer]

can you say this outloud without using a kind of BBC/PBS voice? cause, its vocabulary is sort of down to earth, but the rhythm of the lines are pretty much high class. there's a disconnect between the two writing moods.

[Kristina Moulaison]

Okay, I'll try. I see it is a mix. Just finding it hard to care about this poem again. I so appreciate your thoughts though.

[Michael Bauer]

yes, i let go too, sometimes. but, if the core of the poem is real then it can be said in any way and your next personality shift might make a better poem for you. ( like, seasonal personality shifts, different ways of connecting with the world -- other sense balances giving new sensations from the same world?

[Pete Langley]

Equilibrium is made from letting go. Wearing another`s neurosis is unbalancing. The more patient you are, the more you slide. This will be very thought- provoking for so many. Good on ya, Misty!

[Kristina Moulaison]

Wearing another's neurosis...that's good! So true! Thanks again! :)

[jacob erin-cilberto]

i hear the speaker saying to the person...you bring me down with your constant wallowing in self-pity, and misery. you try to carry me down with you...but i have had enough...i won't let you do this to me.

so screw you...i am no longer emotionally involved in your mess...

and the smile at the end indicates...she is lifting the burden from herself.

jacob

[Kristina Moulaison]

T!hanks so much Jacob! You listen well!

[Frieda P]

Wow sounds like one of my rants! I could get stoned on your fury. Haha, I love that touch at the end 'she thought, smiling'! Another knock out of yours.

[Kristina Moulaison]

Thanks for this! Get stoned on your fury, excellent!

[sithlordjp]

"this micro world of magnified insanity." I had to read this outloud just to appreciate it more, it has a strong structure, full of dept and mayhem! Love it! The ending is perfect, she's smiling... accepting chaos, embracing it.

[Kristina Moulaison]

Thank you for this!

[sithlordjp]

you are most welcome! I love hanging out in your words!

[quinfinn]

wow, this is intense, to say the very least. is this a long goodbye...or is it merely regret? or both? at any rate, i love the feel of this.

[Kristina Moulaison]

Just a frustration, a big one... obviously. : ) So thankful for your kind words!

[quinfinn]

okay...sometimes i may read too much between the lines

[Kristina Moulaison]

No it totally works either way. Deep, intense emotions can all blend together. This one certainly reads that way.

[quinfinn]

an incurable romantic am i...alas...it is both my strength and my weakness, a blessing and a curse, thank you for your open mind.

[Kristina Moulaison]

"thank you for your open mind."...I love that! I do not care in the least what I meant when I wrote a poem. If I post it I figure it belongs to the reader, if anyone happens to read it, and they can feel it however they want to. It helps that I'm so vague and ambiguous that they have no choice most of the time. : )

[quinfinn]

sometimes i am a bit amused when someone misinterprets my meaning, but it always teaches me that "there is more than one way to skin a cat". the greatest gift in writing poetry is the many varied responses to your write and the varied interpretations to your message. it is a learning experience which i treasure. we all have something to teach each other...

[Kristina Moulaison]

We do. You are farther down this road than I and I'm grateful to have found you here. I cannot believe how much writing you have posted on this site!

[quinfinn]

i am grateful we have met on this all important venue, and yes, i have several hundred writes on here.....guess that makes me either prolific or a fanatic...it is how i release my emotions in a productive fashion.

[Kristina Moulaison]

Very productive! I feel like a slouch.

[quinfinn]

nonsense, i just have a lot of time on my hands!

[Creepy Swine Guy]

This feels like the walls AFTER the pressure became too much. The contents from inside, splattered all about. Is this in any way auto biographical? You know, it is that season when the pressure seems to get to be rather much for a lot of people.

[Kristina Moulaison]

:) Perhaps.