Sunny morning

A Story by mistymirjam

A short story my situation when I got admitted to a mental institution after several suicide attempts. Suffering from depression, eating problems, self harm and self worth all play a big role.

It was a sunny morning. I watched the trees fly by while we drove on the highway towards Almere. It all looked very peaceful and sweet and even though we were quite a few feet away from the trees I could just almost feel the leaves and see the details and veins on the branches and bushes. It was an big adventure ahead, and I was excited but at the same time I had a fear it wouldn’t be helping me and it would just make everything even worse. I looked to my right and opened my bad to grab some water. I didn’t pack much because I was scared that I would bother my parents with so much luggage. Next to my back was sitting Medusa, I had told her to stay home but she was determent to come along. Medusa had been with me since the beginning of all my problems and she would always tell me better than others would. She was only 6 inches tall and kind of looked like me but way skinnier and prettier. Her hair was very long and she would mostly be wearing a short blue dress with her skinny thighs peeking out of her underskirt. Her face was serious and dominant and most of the time her eyes would have huge dark marks under her eyes. Both of her skinny arms were covered with scars and sometimes there would be some small bleeding going on in one of her fresh cuts.

I don’t exactly remember when I met Medusa for the first time but I do remember she just appeared in my room on a sunny afternoon. I was casually just sketching some flowers I picked earlier today enjoying the silence from being alone. ‘That looks awful.’ I heard a voice say. ‘Excuse me?’ I looked around to hear where it was coming from but didn’t see anything so I got back to my drawing and started erasing some mistakes I had made. ‘You heard me.’ The voice said. ‘That drawing looks awful. Why are you even drawing while you suck at it? No one is going to want to look at that.’ ‘Show yourself so I know who the f**k I’m talking to.’ I said quite pissed off. No one is telling me my art is s**t. I looked behind me but didn’t see anyone and when I turned my head back there she was, sitting on my eraser. She never really left since then. She was very dominant and would often tell me what to do and who to trust. At first I didn’t want to listen but over time she got control over me and no one really could help me out. No one else could really see her which scared me even more knowing if I’d tell anyone they might won’t even believe me, because why would they? In the beginning she didn’t bother me that much and I was happy to have some company sometimes and she didn’t even have a name but after a while we grew closer. I named her Medusa because I was scared looking at her, even though she looked so pretty and sweet she was rotten inside.

The car took a turn to the right and we finally left the highway. I woke up from my daydreaming and saw the car entering a place filled with new looking building with a centred parking lot. Outside there were kids playing basketball and someone was going for a run. ‘This maybe isn’t like Maastricht, but it doesn’t seem that bad right?’ I said to Medusa. ‘If you weren’t this messed up we wouldn’t be here.’ Medusa said pissed off. My parents got out of the car and medusa and I followed. We got seated in the waiting area and soon we’d be picked up by an older looking male with a woman with a very interesting German accent. Together with my parents we all sat down in a boring looking room with an ugly abstract painting on the wall. The guy started talking about the admission and such and Medusa stood up. ‘Don’t talk to these people, you can’t trust them, they only want to annoy us and make everything worse. Don’t say a word. You are annoying them, your voice in unbearable.’ She said while looking straight into my eyes. ‘But I do think they want to help, and I know I need it especially after these past days.’ I said. ‘ Do not talk to them.’ She said strict. I nodded.

As Medusa told me I said nothing, not a single word. The woman with the weird accent asked my parents; ‘Is she always this quiet?’ ‘I think she just shut down a bit.’ My mom said while looking at me. ‘She is just having a hard time right now.’ We signed some papers and I was ready to move in, so we got my bags and got back inside. Inside there was a big living room with a small kitchen area and two big tables. The walls were white and blank and very much reminded me of a hospital. At the table were people having lunch and they turned their heads when we came in. I’m a very shy person so I walked straight to my new bedroom. When I entered I was disappointed. There was a desk with a cheap IKEA chair, a closet and a bed. All in white. On the left side of the entrance of the room was another door leading to a small bathroom with a shower, a sink and a toilet. The windows of the bedroom were half covered with a blurry decal and only one window could open about 2 inches. It kind of felt like a combination of a hospital and a prison but I was more leaning towards a prison. I didn’t feel comfortable nor at home since my room at home was purple and covered with cute stickers and images I collected over the years. I would admit I am a bit of a hoarder but seeing all these things cluttered together gives me some weird form of happiness. ‘ At least you have your own bathroom right?’ My mom said while she helped me unpack my clothes. I shrugged my shoulders. I do that a lot to avoid having to talk, but also mostly when I don’t know what to say. ‘You can go now, I’ll be fine.’ I said in a kind of gloomy tone. ‘Okay, call us when you need anything okay?’ They said and left. I dropped myself on the bed and grabbed my huge Hello Kitty plush I brought. I know It may be a bit immature since I’m already 17 and still am so attached to plushies but when I hug it and close my eyes and think about UK real bad, I can be there, if only for a second, I would be in his room again laying on his bed and just resting on his chest. Feeling someone else’s heartbeat and feeling their energy glowing of their bodies is the most relaxing and calming feeling there could be.

‘I’m bored.’ Medusa mumbled. ‘Maybe we should call someone to let them know what’s up and about our arrival.’ I suggested. ‘We could call Ervin or Johan, Johan asked me to call him anyway.’ ‘Bet he is annoyed by you calling and texting him all the time.’ Medusa said casually. ‘I would be for sure and especially on my day off.’ ‘This is different, and urgent so go somewhere else please I want to talk to him.’ I said while I pointed at the door. I got out my phone and dialled the number, but before pressing the green phone I started doubting. Maybe Medusa was right, maybe he didn’t want to be annoyed on his free day… she has a point… though he needs to know this. Before I would change my mind again I quickly pressed call.

About 20 minutes later the call ended. It was nice talking to an adult I knew and trusted and who could assure me I would be totally fine in here. ‘I’m still here and I am still super bored.’ Medusa said while she rolled her eyes. ‘I know I am too, but I should totally check my school mail now, maybe Mr Brown finally send that e-mail with puzzles he said he’d be sending!’ I said excited. ‘I don’t think he will send it.’ Medusa said. ‘He said he would on Tuesday, before he left off to party with all of your friends and he didn’t. You think you’re all special because of all your s**t going on but all that you are is plain pathetic. This dude has way better things to do then sending one of his few hundred students an email to entertain her?! You have google for that and besides, you’re too obsessed with talking to your teachers anyway, you really need to cut that off. You are like the pathetic little snitch no one likes who always knows better and is better talking to adults then people her own age. He doesn’t like you, else he would’ve send you that mail and remembered you.’ ‘Shut up you don’t know s**t!’ I said quite offended. ‘He does care, why else would he have done so much for me already? All the time he spend on talking to me instead of going home or doing his teacher stuff? That’s not for nothing.’ ‘But do you remember that time he wanted to introduce you to Johan for the first time and he forgot your name? You were even sitting right in the middle of the classroom and he didn’t even see you! And that wasn’t even the only time he forgot your name. You are everything but special so leave him alone and don’t try to be such a Hermoine by asking for extra work because you think it’s too easy. Your English is s**t. He lies to you just like Johan does with his; ‘You are always welcome and youre not a burden’ bullshit.’ That really silenced and scared me that all I could do I nod and say nothing because I knew she was right. The past days weren’t really easy, and the fact that everyone I like was partying and having fun without me. After I heard the news that I wasn’t allowed to tag along with the group to Maastricht I was devastated. I started hurting myself as crazy and that day just went terrible. But the even worse feeling was waking up the next morning around 11 and knowing that all my friends and teachers were just arriving. I got up and the first thing I did was check my email. Nothing. I was upset and tried to distract myself by watching some youtube videos but the sad feelings didn’t fade, and only became more intense. My sadness turned into anger and I grabbed my blades, pencil sharpeners and scissors and laid them all on the floor and stared at them with shaking hands. I picked up my biggest blade and took it out of its safety cover. The blade was shiny and had some small dried blood splatters over it. ‘Do it, do it. First cut you arms and legs and then finally end this pathetic bullshit and slit your wrists.’ Medusa said. ‘Kill yourself’ I was silent and looked up to her face. When I looked down to her body I saw her arms were covered in new cuts and both of her tiny wrists had deeper cuts and the blood came pouring out. ‘No.’ I said furious. ‘I am so sick and tired of you controlling my life. You took away my friends, my happy moments in life and my ability to live my life to the fullest.’ I raised the blade up high and with a strong swing threw it into a pile of plushies on the right side on my room. I threw it hard enough to make the blade get stuck in one of the bears I had laying around. I grabbed the bear and removed the blade and looked at it. Then I screamed and started insanely cutting and stabbing the bear until nothing was left. My mom heard me make so much noise she came upstairs to check on me and saw me covered in plush stuffing with blades all around. Without saying anything she took the blades and left. I didn’t understand, why would she take the blade while I wasn’t even hurting myself? Time slowly past while I was sitting almost in some sort of trance while glazing at the wall. When it was late in the afternoon I thought I could check my mail one last time, I didn’t want to give up. ‘And? I bet your mail box is empty, they don’t want to mail you, deal with it.’ Medusa said. She was right, the screen didn’t change at all and no new mails had come in. I gave up. I grabbed my pastel lilac purse and slowly wrapped the long strap around my neck several times. The bag had been with me for quite a while now and had given me many great memories. Ironic that it has to end like this. I started pulling on both sides and every second I would push myself a little bit further. I didn’t even know if this would even be possible to choke yourself to death but Medusa was so obsessively repeating for me to do it I might as well just give it a shot. Slowly I could feel my heartbeat raising and I could feel my veins in my neck and face pounding like a crazy animal locked in a cage. From the floor in could look in the mirror and saw how s**t I actually was looking. My eyes were all red and swollen and the sides of my eyes and eyelids slowly turned to blue and purple. ‘This was a good thing right? Does this mean I am close?’ I slowly whispered to Medusa. Talking slowly became impossible just as my breathing became more and more to an end. ‘You’re almost there, if you give up AGAIN you are seriously an attention seeker.’ Medusa said. ‘You have failed so many times now, it’s almost like you don’t really want to.’ ‘I do want it!’ I gasped and pulled so hard my hands became more red and they would cramp all my fingers up. My sight slowly started to spin a little and I saw little white sparks all over my room. ‘Is this it?’ I thought to myself. ‘Am I dying or just not even close enough? Is this what being close to death feels like?’ My arms couldn’t hold it anymore and before I passed out I had to let go. I felt like a failure. Looking in the mirror there weren’t even any signs of me ever attempting to choke myself and there weren’t even red strips on my neck. ‘Stop acting you failure.’ Medusa said pissed off. ‘I knew you couldn’t do it, you’re weak.’ I looked away, I couldn’t look into her eyes, I failed.

I heard a knock on the door. ‘Mirjam? Are you coming to drink some tea?’ I heard a voice say. ‘Yea, give me a minute.’ I replied. I got up and gathered my strength, took a deep breath and walked out of my room. The hallway was just like the rest of the building, plain white and giving me the total prison creeps. On the left side were some big windows with a view over the little garden we had. I wouldn’t really describe it as a garden since there was one sad little tree and a bench. I walked down the hallway and got into the living room. On the couch was a boy sitting, around my age, with super bright and blonde hair and next to him was a dark toned boy sitting with a cup of tea in his hands. On the chair and the other couch were sitting two adults who probably looked over this place. Next to one of the adults was sitting a boy who I would describe as a drugs dealer. I didn’t want to judge someone on his appearance at all but he looked absent and he was wearing a bunch of coats and leather jackets at once, as I could count around 4. I sat myself down on the corner on the couch without saying anything. I was so uncomfortable it probably looked like I was shitting myself, and I think I was. Medusa sat herself down on the couch in front of me and looked around almost as nervous as I was. Not much later a girl you would say looked like a stereotypical emo girl walked in and sat herself down in the group. Her hair was super vibrant pink and purple and she was wearing oversized black clothing with band logos all over. ‘Why don’t we introduce ourselves to the new girls huh?’ One of the adults said whilst pouring herself some tea. She said her name and so did the other adult but to be honest so many came and went I didn’t even bother listening. The blonde guy stood up and reached his hand out to me. ‘I’m Kevin.’ He said. He shook my hand and the other new girl’s which she replied; ‘Emma.’ ‘The dark toned guy didn’t bother standing up and he just said his name was Emanuel. The last person in the room was silent and it didn’t seem that was going to change in a while. ‘And this is Omar.’ One of the supervisors said. ‘Let’s go to our room, this is super awkward.’ Medusa said. ‘I’m nervous, I don’t even have the guts to move, just hang in there.’ I whispered. We awkwardly waited until they were finished talking about useless crap and we got back to our room. I just don’t get how this all is happening and most of them are you going along with all of this. We’re all here because obviously we can’t sort out our lives, we cant even live a life first of all, and here we are drinking tea and talking about what’s for diner? It all looked so fake it’s pissing me off, this wasn’t what I’d been expecting at all. I had been watching series for quite a while where mental institutions were in the scenery and not to forget the 2 hour BBC documentary about asylums in the UK around 1900. Mostly the reason people were locked up in there was because they had no one who cared about them or they were just a bother and they’d be used for torture experiments to ‘cure’ their illness. Of course I knew its not like that anymore where girls with gross black hair would be screaming at a wall and you’d had to share a bedroom with 15 others, but I would never have guessed I’d be casually drinking tea with some strangers and all looking like we got our s**t together, because we don’t. And to be honest neither of these to things sounded pleasant to me. I’m a serious person and I like talking about serious stuff. I love it when I go into deep conversations with people about life or just psychology in general and feel like I learned something. At home I wouldn’t be talking deep with my classmates that much, I have quite a difficulty with talking to people from my age sometimes, I prefer adults since they seem to be into a good deep conversation faster than my friends.

I dropped myself onto the bed and stared at the ceiling while slowly glazing off to my daydreams once again, when suddenly a I heard a sound that I clearly recalled as a fire alarm. ‘Wait is this a test? Does this count for us?’ I shook up and asked Medusa. ‘I don’t know, but I suggest we stay here, we don’t even know the way here and that would be embarrassing if someone would notice you wandering around like a lost little duck.’ ‘Don’t refer to me as a duck.’ I said annoyed. ‘But I think I agree, they will see me if I go out, its probably nothing.’ And I rested my back against my pillow again and looked at the ceiling and waited for the alarm to stop. But it didn’t. There was a knock on the door. ‘Mirjam? Are you in there?’ ‘Yes I’m in.’ I softly said. The door opened and yet another person I didn’t know stood there and said; ‘You have to come outside, can’t you hear the alarm? You’re suppose to go outside when you hear a fire alarm. Come on let’s go.’ ‘Hahahaha.’ Medusa laughed with tears drooling down her face. ‘She thinks you’re so dumb you don’t even recognise a fire alarm!’ ‘Shut up! This is your fault, this is all your fault!’ I said blushing. ‘Oh honey, you, and only you alone is to blame for the situation you’re in right now. Not me.’ She said while wiping away her tears. I got up and walked outside, awkward. The woman who got me out said; ‘It was false alarm, we think someone pressed it you can go back to your room now.’ Great, now its even more awkward.

Time passed and it was close to diner time so I got ready and went to the diner table. So far I hadn’t eaten yet here because I could avoid lunch by lying that I already ate. I don’t hate eating, sometimes. It’s complicated but to make this work I really just ate what I want, when I want and where I want it. I think if people knew my ways of eating they’d say I’m a spoiled brat since I let my parent prepare me any meal I feel like and I eat upstairs. At school I was quite open about how I prefer my diner but I could tell that my friends, especially Kyra thought it was super weird. Strangely Kyra and I are friends since we’re so opposite, she would never understand what its like being a loner and an anti-social, which I’m glad she will hopefully never because it sucks. Eating with people is awful, lunch and breakfast, okay but diner is a whole different story. Eating diner with people makes me scared because Medusa told me they record every bite I eat even though it doesn’t look like it and think that I eat to much. She also told me they were right for thinking that because my weight is disgustingly high and that people at school, even the teachers and Ervin were disgusted by me. Medusa told me the rules of looking good and that was at least make sure people don’t think you eat to much, even better, make them think you eat barely anything because eating is gross and embarrassing. I remember talking to my vpp teacher after school one day while I was repacking my backpack and he was asking me why I wasn’t rushing home. I told him I don’t like going home that much and that I prefer school over my house. ‘Don’t you want to go and see your family and talk over the day during diner?’ Eric asked. I explained I don’t eat with them and how wondered why. I told him very honest I did think I was to big and I hated my body and he was very understanding. Honestly he is a good teacher because I often have panic attacks during class and he always knows how to handle it. Often I go and see Johan on Wednesday because I get so mentally exhausted by pushing myself but so far it’s going somewhat okay.

The dining table had plates next to all seats and I sat myself down and stared at the empty plate. ‘Don’t think were going to eat here, with these random people eating and probably disgusting food.’ Medusa said. She had gone and sit on my plate to prevent me being able to fill the plate with food. To be honest I was quite hungry but I also didn’t really want to eat with them. Everyone sat down and started chitchatting about more useless stuff. The supervisors shifts had changed again so there were two different persons once again. One of the woman sat down next to me and offered me some water after introducing herself. I just shook my head and stared at medusa who was still sitting on my plate. The supervisor then suddenly said to me. ‘Why don’t you go to your room now and put on some long sleeves to cover up your arm?’ And she pointed at my arms with semi-fresh cuts. Medusa shoot up from the plate and started yelling and swearing but I quickly grabbed her and dragged her along to my room. For some reason I was so offended my eyes had difficulty holding my tears back. I never hide my arms, never. I am not embarrassed and it is a part of who I am! Of course I understand some have scars as well, obviously I tried checking that, it’s one of the first things I do when I meet new people. I have no idea if that’s a self harmers thing but I always check peoples wrists and under arms. But still, she could’ve said it a bit different right? Medusa was less sad and more furious. Her face was all red and steam was about to blow out of her ears. ‘How f*****g dare she pointing out on out scars and cuts, who does she even think she is I bet she doesn’t even remember your name.’ I tried calming her but she was in such rage she wouldn’t stop. ‘The game is on now b***h, you thought we were going to eat? Well I wasn’t planning to but now you can kiss that wish goodbye.’ I put on a vest and walked back to the table. Awkward. A small rolling table was brought in filled with black plastic boxes with a clear plastic cover. ‘Good news everyone, pancakes for diner!’ I doubted, maybe it wasn’t that bad? When everything was opened up and put on the table my doubts were gone. This looked nothing like a pancake. All the boxes were filled with several soaked and moist pale pancakes which looked made without any care and only for mass production. Medusa was so mad and stubborn she had told me if I would even take one bite she would cut my arms herself and it wouldn’t be fun. I was indeed scared and intimidated by her so I did what she said. I stared at her skinny face and how she reminded me that I could look as pretty as her if I wouldn’t eat anymore, and she was right. I shut down and stared blank to the plate while everyone was eating their crappy pancakes. They’d asked me several times when I would get my food but I ensured them I had a big lunch and I was still full. They wouldn’t know anyway and I was right and they believed me, though I could see on Kevin’s face he knew I was lying but happily he didn’t tell anyone.

After diner Medusa and I returned to our room. It was already getting late and dropped myself on the bed and started fading away in my thoughts again. I grabbed my phone and called Ervin and happily he answered like always. We chatted and I showed him around my room, complaining on the lack of colour and the weird bed sheets. Skyping with Ervin always makes the mood slightly better than before so during our call I felt the best I had felt in this whole day. We could talk hours and hours straight without running out of stuff to talk about or it ever getting awkward. To my psychiatrist I explained it that we’re often together alone, meaning that were skyping but doing our own thing without even saying anything. Just like a normal couple would work in the same room while the other would watch the TV, together alone. My psychiatrist described it as a brilliant explanation and keeps on referring to it in our conversations. After the call ended I thought I’d be better off sleeping early because my sleeping schedule had gone crazy the past few days and I really needed some structure. After I had heard I wasn’t allowed to Maastricht I couldn’t sleep and stayed awake the whole night, and of course I didn’t last that next day and I fell asleep around noon waking up at night. From there I really became a night owl, sleeping when the sun was out and awake when it was night and everyone had gone to bed. At night there isn’t much to do so I would stay in bed for days only coming out for the necessities like food and the bathroom. All I would do is distract myself with useless internet videos and overthinking about my problems and Medusa being there as well didn’t really help either. She would often like to rub in that I was being so miserable while everyone was partying. Even when I told her not to she would open up Facebook and Instagram just show me the pictures my friends had uploaded.

Meanwhile I had gotten super hungry and was starving for something to eat. Good thing my parents brought me some cookies and my favourite crisps the other day and I started eating some from the bag. After I was slightly full

I tugged myself in the s****y blanket en stared blank to the ceiling. It was nothing like my own bed. I’m not a sensitive person when it comes to being homesick, after 2 weeks in UK I wouldn’t miss home at all, but this room made me really uncomfortable. I was happy I was able to stay here so I didn’t want to complain to much, and I know I might be a big kid but I brought my mega Hello Kitty plush to keep me company. I am that kind of person who would only be able to sleep when I’m hugging someone so huge plushies are always laying around my bed. It was hard sleeping this early but after half an hour or so I finally fell asleep.

The next morning, I woke up around 9 and was confused for a second until I realised where I was. This happens often since I mostly remember my dreams and I have the difficulty telling them apart from what’s real and what isn’t. Medusa was still asleep and was laying on the other plushy I had brought her. She looked sweet to be honest, and I began kind of feeling sorry for her. I didn’t even know why she was like that but I bet if she would be all without this she would be a fun person to get along with. I silently got out and put on some comfy clothes, this wasn’t a fashion show I didn’t have to dress all up who gives a f**k. I put my hair in what I would call a bun, but probably looked like a dead rat, and got out of my room to the group to check if it was time for breakfast yet. I locked my door and slowly walked to the living room, s**t no one was there yet, what now? I thought I’d be better off playing casually and just hang out on the couch so I walked in. S**t. Kevin was there. Awkward. ‘Morning.’ I said. ‘Morning.’ He was sitting on the couch near the wall so I never would’ve been able to see him from the hallway. He was knitting a red scarf and he seemed very focused so I just sat myself down on one of the other chairs. Okay think Mirjam, I thought to myself. What do people do in these situations? They go on their phone. Why do people even do that? I don’t know. It seems weird I’m not going on my phone, what to do even? Why would I know just go reply to your texts, you haven’t even checked your phone today. I know I don’t have any texts. Just do it! I slowly got my phone out and opened up WhatsApp. Nothing. Of course I didn’t receive any text’s, everyone I know hates me or is busy having fun in Maastricht. My mood switched immediately from okay to total s**t. ‘Why don’t you go back to your room, I will fix this for you.’ I heard a familiar voice say. I turned around and of course, there she was again. ‘How did you even get out, I locked the door?’ ‘You know nothing will stop me form making you miserable, not even a silly little door.’ She said grinning. ‘When is breakfast?’ I asked Kevin. ‘You can eat now if you want or wait until 10.’ He replied nicely. I nodded and got up to go back to my room. I opened up the door and dropped myself once again on the bed. I didn’t make my bed and even though I barely had any stuff here I managed to fill the desk, chair and floor with random clothing and other stuff. It reminded me of home, of my family, Luna our dog and all my sweet fishes. Often when I would feel sad at home and I didn’t know what to do I would take Luna on my lap and sit in front of the tank, staring at all my five fishes swimming their daily routine. The biggest fish, Mochi, would often recognise me and swim very fast when I would be looking at the tank. My fishes were dear to me and thinking about them made me emotional and I quickly wiped away an upcoming tear. I must be strong, no one cries over a fish. I laid on my side and started watching more YouTube videos on my phone and before I knew it I heard a knock on the door. ‘Mirjam? Are you coming for breakfast?’ ‘Sure give me a minute I’ll be there.’ I replied to the voice.