Sister Ruth's Confession

Inspired by the ending of one my favourite films: Black Narcissus. I attempt to give Ruth a voice and try to rationalise what happens. Probably only makes sense if you've seen it haha.

whispering, whispering

that’s what broke me

snatched sentences 

hidden in dark corridors

the turn of the head

as I entered a room

from the valley floor below

I could hear the drums

pounding, rising,

the sound-waves bending

up into my cold ears

unescapable

drove my nails down my back

hoping pain would numb life

sick of the sight of books

all the same

matthew, mark, luke, john

dreaming of ripped pages

he taunted me

standing there with her

in tight shirts and shorts

her white habit masking her lies

when I knew the truth

saw how she tilted her head

and his eyes went dreamy

the vows were like a noose

which I had to loosen

throw off into the clouds

like my habit replaced instead

by a red dress and red lips

she squirmed when I put it on

like tearing open my flesh

so fumbled for the pages

unable to look me in the eye

sliding on my snow boots

I marveled at my legs

wouldn’t he want these?

instead of her pure shrouded ones

suddenly my heart like lightening

and feet as if moving over coals

a furnace

raging, swallowing sensibility

into a sweat on my pasty forehead

too alive, screaming to let it out

couldn’t he feel this energy 

pouring out, didn’t he need it?

standing there in his room

I was aphrodite, hera and diana

a hunter, a lover, a god

all I had tied up in prayers

finally, wantonly released

yet he turned, sickened

too much, too much

like a trapped bird I screamed

and black followed, turning to red

then his horrible eyes

coming round

wiping lipstick under tears

giving a blood-rimmed gaze

I fled that abhorrent place

to find her out

peeking, spying, seeing her

watch the sun rise on the mountains

pray in the chapel

wipe water off her lips

check the time

five to six

then that final walk to the bell

final few minutes

shaking as she lifted the long rope

and started to pull

so I sprang and pushed

I so blissfully happy as she called out:

sister ruth

terror behind the eyes

luck leaving me

like my sanity

she pulled herself back 

over the stone precipice

and pulled me down instead

my legs dangling wildly 

she gasped

as I lost my grip

yet I suspect some relief

tumbling to the jungle below

I knew she was a monster like me

in the end it comes down to

the story of one man 

who changed our worlds

made us like babies, animals

crawling in his wake

forgetting all we knew

begging for his attention

his loyal servants

forever and ever

our man