Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Something awful that was triggered.

     If there is anything that people hate, it is something annoying. I have a nagging sensation that nothing is okay. Every time someone deceives me, the sensation gets worse. Every time a mistake happens when I know it could have been prevented, the sensation gets worse.

     People have a judgemental tone when anything in your life changes or if you make your own decision. I learned that the hard way and when I was in my early teens. I already understood that life is difficult and I strive to survive negative changes.

     When my parents were divorcing, I was a freshman in high school. I never realized anything except for the fact that I was completely aloof to my surroundings and the people in it. Many people are just awful and disfunctional. I never realized that anyone in my family was fueding. I never realized that people who do not know me have a false expectation of me. The expectation was that I was going to crack and commit suicide.

     People were freaking out. My dad was freaking out. Some of my family members were freaking out. Dad was talking smack about mom and the supposed reason why they got married. My father said, "Your mother got pregnant at a young age..." and blah blah blah. Some of my relatives were saying, "It's not your fault. If you think it is, the divorce is not your fault."

     I never thought that it was my fault. Ultimately, my parents were going to split. It's not something that I was hoping for or ever imagined. It was just bound to happen. They were destined to split and it is a good thing it happened because I do not know where I would be today if it never happened. My mom and dad fought like cats and dogs. I do not know if they were ever were happy together. All I remember is that they fought at night and my dad yells really loud.

     Even teachers were putting their nose where it did not belong. Mom moved out and dad decided that renting rooms in the house was a good idea. I wanted my furniture to be left alone. I was upset and complained about someone else using my bed.

     Next thing I knew, mom was knocking on my door one night. A teacher called the police stating that I was threatening to kill myself. I made no such threat and the police left. The teacher that made this assumption was apparently in trouble for that because she was indifferent toward me since that night. I realized then that teachers assumed that I was suicidal because this happened again when I was going to Borah High School.

     A few habits developed while I was growing up. I picked my nose and I bit my nails. Not really an appetizing habit, but it never stopped me. Then there was one habit that I developed that went un-noticed. 

     I started to chew on my fingers. I chewed on them so much that I would need a band-aid. I would stop doing it for a while and begin chewing my fingers again. One of my aunts noticed that I was doing this and asked me why. I don't believe I gave her an answer because I did not know why I did it either.

     The habit continued after graduating high school because nobody did anything about it. Perhaps people never identified this issue before. Then again, the habit may have had a name then because I knew someone from school that consistently pulled her hair.

     As an adult, I noticed I chewed my fingers until they bled when I was going through a crappy relationship. The problem was that nobody wanted a relationship. I was being used. When I realized how alone I was, my fingers were in my mouth. I stopped when it began to hurt. This has got to the point that the tip of my index finger is tough and does not show a sign of a fingerprint.

     I never knew anything until I had a friend in college studying psychology. Come to find out, she did the same thing. I realize that I was not alone. I also noticed that most celebrities do it. Can you explain bandaids on fingertips? The problem is an obsessive compulsive disorder. Up until that point, there was no name for my habit. By that time, it may have been too late because the habit got worse.

    Eventually, I was double checking anything. When I was working at CineplexOdeon, I would double check and make sure someone was on hold a few times. I never was aware that I did that until a co-worker was annoyed with me.

     I check locks a few times to make sure the house is locked. It's as though everything will magically change once my back is turned. I check the oven to make sure nothing is on. I check the coffee pot and I check the dogs many times before I leave. It is annoying. I double check and make sure the car is locked and nothing is in view that will cause people to break in.

     My brain becomes unglued when someone else misplaces something or leaves something hot on. I check everything more and it takes twenty minutes to leave the house. It got worse after I broke up with my boyfriend who I permitted to live in my house.

     He ruined just about everything. I'm surprised the house is still standing. There was duct tape and caulking on all of the windows and cupboards. There was a hole in the front yard and above the back door. There was chicken wire on top of the fence. A huge pile of dirt surrounds the yard. The list went on and on.

     What was worse was the fact that I was going to college and I did not have time to pick up after him. I even got a two week break from college to clean up his mess and I still didn't have enough time. After I graduated, everything fell apart. The house, car, and dogs needed attention. Needless to say, the habit got worse.

     Sometimes I think about what it would be like if I added a child to the equation. It would probably cause a complete nervous break down.

Reviews

[Ballpark Frank]

I get this. I cant stand if something is alone in a package. Like if I have a package of waffles and there is only one or two left. It drives me nuts. I wanna eat the last one or two. One time i bought a case of 12 quarts of oil. Never again! I can't handle having only one quart left in the box. So I will give away the last quart to anyone who might want it to empty the box!! Yikes.

[Jennifer]

I am kind of over it at this point; I have been doing neurofeedback for the past year and learned some more about myself as well as how I was raised. I am learning more about the result of not being taught boundaries and people violating those boundaries. :) It's another story that I am working on under the Neurofeedback Sessions. I have it set to private until next year for legal reasons.