The stranger that never knew...

My bf is from a very tight knit community with very close friends. One of them committed suicide this summer and though I barely knew him, I was heart broken. This is just a exploration of my thoughts

        Are you really gone? Is it really true? How many people die each day? I bet it’s a lot. But I don’t feel this empty every day. I barely knew you though, right? But what if I had? And what about all the people who did? The people who you were so important to, bet you didn’t know how much they cared. It leaves me feeling just so empty. The first day I came to the park where everyone hangs out, I started meeting all the Coventry kids. You were right there alongside them all. Everyone there had a way of making me feel welcome, like an automatic part of the whole. Didn’t they make you feel that way too? Or did you just live there too long to still see that? Maybe you never knew any different so you took it for granted. Let me take this moment to tell you that they are some of the most inclusive people I’ve ever met that always leave me feeling human just like everybody else. Every place has its problems but I was impressed with the people I met on Coventry, including you. That first day I was there you sat next to me on a bench just to talk. We were sitting there and smoking just having nice conversation, one without expectations or implications. It was just one of those moments you have to enjoy for exactly what it is. You were getting ready to leave and you asked if anybody wanted to go get some coffee. I could tell you pointed that at me a little bit but you really just wanted someone, anyone to volunteer. And no one did. I regret that moment. There was no reason I couldn’t have gone and enjoyed another few of the moments in life that make it worth living, with you, a familiar stranger. All I had to do was put a tiny bit of faith into the fact that it might be fun. Who knows how that could have turned out. I stayed at the park though and I’ll never know.  If I had gone with you maybe my boyfriends and I would have never talked to each other or developed any kind of relationship. What if you and I had? Do you think I might have been a little sparkle in your life that changed your perspective? I just wonder if there was anything I could have done. And I don’t just mean me, I wonder if anyone could have done anything. And honestly I don’t know. I’ve been in truly low points in life where I thought I just might do it. And if I had ever actually made that decision I don’t know that anyone could have changed how I felt. I wish I knew what made you feel so down you decided to leave this life. I just want to understand. Don’t worry I don’t feel guilty or anything but I just wish I understood better. And I wish things like this didn’t happen. I hope you can see this or feel it. I truly hope that you are resting in peace. I hope whatever unsettling things in your heart are gone and you feel happy now. And I would wish that for anyone.

Reviews

[Epipsychologist]

I honestly think that Love is a kind of understanding. People breakup love into different kinds. They make up Love into something sacred sometimes. But it must be a kind of understanding, because depression is not feeling understood. This is a very lovely write. I should say that I think there are pains of the heart deeper than people can feel, and when people commit suicide, it's because nobody ever says yes in those moments when it's needed. But you clearly are the type of person who might change that.