The Genius' weakness

Knowledge does not give total power.

He clings to his books all day, carrying them like how a mother carries her own child.  The pages, the words, the information. Each page would brush off the dust in his mind like a delicate feather, and beautify it with knowledge and intelligence. He knows everything. He reads every word with devotion and focus, grasping it by his hands and squeezing it inside his tiny room of information. A tiny room inside his head, which pushes the words from his books into a slide through his bloodstream. His body does not only transport oxygen to keep him alive, but heavy clouds raining droplets of knowledge as they go by. Planting an entire forest inside him, a forest shooting butterflies flickering their beauty into his eyes. He knows everything. He read about everything. The world beneath his feet and the one above the sky. He would look at a flower and count it’s petals, memorize a bird’s flying pattern or describe how the oceans begin to rise. And he knew it; he knew that he was smart and wise. He knew his power in knowledge and how much his brain had exceeded in size. He knew a lot, more than anyone could, but it was all inside his mind.  

It was the day he lost his mother. Lost her tender smiles and soft touch. Her eyes that showed the reflection of a white, elegant dove living inside her. And every time she would speak, the dove flicks it’s wings and flies towards his heart, leaving a touch of her graceful beauty and soul. Though, it was all gone. The dove is not there anymore, and no one could replace the happiness and comfort she had given him throughout his life. In just a split second, she had exited the way out of her body and this world. She was simply gone, and it baffled him. He knew everything, he thought. He knew more than anyone could grasp in their mind, he knew the information that no other can find.

But he didn’t.

He didn’t know it. He didn’t know how to calculate the times he had felt pain and heartache. He didn’t know how to describe it. How it would break his bones and organs and arteries and he would be left there, with nothing but a crippled soul. He didn’t know how to stop it. How to invent a pill that would suck out all the misery he feels inside. How to stop the tears rushing out of his father’s eyes. Or the ability to join up the words and sentences that would explain to his little sister on why his mother is no longer found, or assure her that everything would be fine. Because he didn’t know. He didn’t know the future or what’s coming by, and it scared him. He couldn’t find any answers inside him, any glimpse of knowledge or intelligence. As if they had all vanished. All the information he had gobbled inside him that convinced him he knew everything about life. He knew a lot, yeah. But he didn’t need any of them. He didn’t need equations or measurements or the date of Abraham Lincoln’s assassination. Although they gave him power and triumph, but it was all inside his mind. They can’t do that anymore, when he has to deal with pain running in his heart. Nothing could stop the tears from finding their way out of his eyes; he was too weak and doleful. It was something that happened without force, without order. It just happened, without him knowing how to stop- and that scared him. It all scared him. The fact that he had no control over something so effective on someone’s emotions and soul. He had no control over his mother’s time of death, or even his own. They all just happen, without any awareness or understanding. But he knew everything. He knew about the stars and the galaxies and the planets. Yet, they all scared him too. As if the brain of a human could never have as much power as he thought he could. It’s all just information, all words, all formulas and laws. Nothing is there to protect him or brush the pain out of his soul. That no matter how much we learn or consume inside our minds, there is still much more information hidden beneath our hearts. He spent his entire life chasing it, swallowing the entire universe down his throat and spine. Every bit of information would be written on his bones, fingertips and eyelids. Each day he would close his eyes, and the knowledge would still rush inside him like an ocean gulping down his mind. He wanted to know everything. He was so hungry to fill his spirit with authority and control. But he didn’t. After all that, nothing helped him remove the ache from his soul. Nothing. They were all words, all formulas and laws laying at the floor of his mind- as useless as the torch held by a man that’s blind. It confused and annoyed him. How a person can consume so much yet at the same time, will one day be left as fragile and down as the person who hasn’t touched a book in his life. And it’s all because of these emotions, these feelings, hiding beneath our hearts. Or possibly not our hearts, but just somewhere in our souls. Yet, they have so much control and power over us, acting as a reminder of how weak humans actually are. It’s something happening without any of our force or order. It just happens. It cannot be explained or calculated, cannot be stopped or prevented. We could unravel every bit of detail of this world, every bit of its science and history. Though we would never even get a glimpse of what’s beneath us, deep down, behind all our body and bones. Yet we would still feel it, feel it tumble down emotions through our arteries and veins. But we will never get it, or even understand it. And it scared him. That all the information he had snatched would never explain to him anything about this mystery hiding beneath him. And it scared him. As he had realized that the human brain cannot reach certain knowledge and facts. And it scared him. As he was reminded about the weakness of the human at this stage. He can’t know everything, and will never at all. He will still be that tiny, frail specie getting controlled by his own emotions. And that’s when it struck him- that the human brain’s doors of entrance are being controlled. We will only understand a few things, or perhaps more than a few, but it will always seem as if we know nothing at all. As we get closer into becoming the gods of our world, we will face the facts and knowledge that are too supernatural to enter our mind’s doors. We will feel squashed, puzzled and baffled. And so we begin to make false theories and judgments in order to pull everything inside our minds. Force them inside us till we can no longer feel weak or confused. It somehow calms us down, the belief of being able to know everything and not feel the confusion quaking our minds. However, it will weaken us, confuse us and infuriate us more. At the times when we break down, when our bones become doddery and our skin creates mountains carrying our pain and fears �" that’s when the dots join up. We realize it. We realize human’s greatest weakness. Despite all our knowledge, all the facts we have munched inside us �" we’re still unsure with what lives underneath us. We’re unsure about who we are, as people, our personalities and true identities. We don’t know what we fear the most until we face it, we might never even know our true talents and passion, or how strong we are when we stumble and fall. Yet we try. We try to create ourselves, try to find our own character and passions. But we never seem to find them completely, or even find them at all. We would change for others and others would change for us, hoping that our new character would give us recognition and pride.  And we spend so much time trying to please others with this character we had created, even if it doesn’t arise from our true self. Perhaps, we’ll never know our inner self. Or, we’re not meant to find it completely. Perhaps it was meant to be obscure for a reason. To act as a reminder of how little humans know, even when they’ve got the entire world figured out. They don’t realize that they have many other facts and details wrapped inside them- inside the place where their true self resides, their true identity and soul. But they will never get hold of it, or even understand it. It’s supernatural, miraculous and uncanny. And maybe it’s fine to be confused, to believe in something so absurd. It’s fine to feel weak, and not know everything as you had thought. And maybe, confusion and weakness could take you into a safer place, or perhaps, more truthful. You don’t need to make assumptions, or sweat your mind with judgments and theories in order to feel stronger. In order to feel like you have figured everything out. But you haven’t, and you never will. Maybe feeling stronger could come through different ways. Through the ability of overcoming your fear of not knowing everything, or accepting the fact that we’ll never know everything. That our mind can only hold specific facts, understand certain details and information. That feeling stronger and smarter as a human is when you realize how weak and little you are, not reaching the same level of being a god. When you realize that this world is not ours, but from a greater power above. He who controls what we should or not understand, and controls what can or not enter our minds. After all, if you haven’t figured out what lays beneath you, then you can never place yourself above everything in front of you.

 

He went back to the company of his books, and felt hope and sincerity between the pages. He might not know everything, but the fact he could know a few was tremendous for him. He began to read his books differently, as if it’s a string line pulling him towards God. It pulled him closer and closer, each time gluing the pieces of his heart together. Yet as he becomes closer, he feels weaker. But it’s not the disadvantage type, it’s not the weakness you would fear, but the only one you would want to feel. The weakness that assures you that there’s a greater power there to protect you, to conceal you. He read his books in order to feel the vibration of his creator’s power and mastery, instead of believing it’s his own. And somehow, he felt calmer, felt more pure, and brushed his pain away. His knowledge is the basis of his existence. He can look out to the sky and see a shooting star, a slice of a moon, and he would know their story written at the front of his mind. And he was thrilled, amazed and awestruck that he has the ability to know the beauty of it all. It felt better than before. He knew how important it is for a human to remember his rank in life, that he is no smarter or greater than anything around him. He is only a tiny creation created by the hands of a greater one. And even though he has the ability to run and explore, he will never know or find what hides behind his own door.