What must I say?

my friend needs help.

If I see her in hate

Tearing endlessly with mislaid love

 

Tell me

What must I think?

When her heart was signed,

Sealed and delivered

To a man who missed her body

And misses nobody

 

 

What must I say?

When her heart is shielded by empty promises

And sheltered by the wings of disappointments

 

What must I do?

When I see her lost

And she can not breathe inside her mind

What must I whisper to her clattering ears?

That will dissolve the spell of love away

 

I am lost in solid words

Found in mess

Help.

Reviews

[unknown]

Anything to mend that broken heart, soul and mind is what you must do/say...wonderful poem.

[Whiskurz]

I really liked your word choices.....Good write my friend....Whisk

[Geraldine]

This is how I felt everytime a friend will call me when they have problems, I just don't know what to say to ease the pain they're feeling. ^^ Aww such an expressive poem. Good write.

[Suditi]

When her heart is shielded by empty promises
And sheltered by the wings of disappointments

Such beautiful poetry.

[Kuhr Gred]

I like the way you express.. :) KEEP IT UP ;)

[Call_Me_Miss_Imperfect]

I love this :) great job indeed.

Ashley Rivers--Dream BIG and you'll win BIG:)

[.....]

Suggested corrections are bracketed in the following lines. I suggest these to improve the grammar and flow and to add clarity to the lines.

'tearing endless[ly] with mislaid love'
'when her heart was sign[ed]'

These two lines makes no sense to me. I'm not sure what you are trying to tell/show here. Maybe more clarification. Was he cheating on her? Is that what you meant?

"To a man who missed her body
And misses nobody"

I would shorten these to lines as indicated below. Though I don't think sheltered is the right adjective, I might suggest something akin to trapped.

"When her heart is shielded
by empty promises
And sheltered by the wings
of disappointments"

And then these lines here, again I would shorten them and make the line breaks as such:

"And she can not breathe
inside her mind
What must I whisper
to her clattering ears?
That will dissolve the spell
of love away"

And I suggest a negative adjective before love, because this isn't love, it's dependency and abuse.

Overall, I think the bare bones of it is good. The emotion is strong and has depth. Just needs some fine tuning to bump it up. In the areas of structure and grammar are the weaknesses. If you agree with my suggestions then I think it could make a much stronger poem.

I encourage you to keep writing to read and comment.

Blessings, Tammy

[ba_mcfarlane]

powerful & unrelenting, the emotion of the theme never wavers, it ever appears as a knife pricking the writer's heart....wonderful

[Cathy Wattam]

Great poem, very emotional plea and one to which there is no real response. Sometimes though, just being a friend is enough, just being there is enough. One tiny thing - in the line "When her heart was sign, Sealed and delivered" it perhaps should say "signed, sealed and delivered" to be grammatically correct. Apart from that, I enjoyed this, thank you.

[MandaBear]

very heartfelt plea, my friend. But like Marie said it does beg the question what can anyone say?? but still a good poem :)