Willow's Troubled Begining

The animals of the pound glared down the aisle as the young boy and his family walked down it. The boy looked about eight with curly brown hair, he looked like he was searching for a nice pup. His eyes flashed from one cage to the next until he came across the perfect pup. A sandy colored female dog. She had the most beautiful brown eyes, she had a energetic spirt, and was six months old "I want this puppy mother" said the boy.

     "Okay Ralph, you can have any puppy you want." said his mom. Ralph was given the puppy in his arms. The pup looked into his eyes with a loving look on her lovely eyes. She was taken out in the bright sunlight and put in the body of the car. The pup twirled in circles and pawed at the floor.

     She was given the name Willow, and was brought to a house in New York City. She pawed at the door dying for it to open. As the door open energy surged through her paws as she ran out the door. As she ran around the yard dirt and grass flied behind her. She looked back at her new owners; however, instead of seeing happiness on their faces she saw anger on the mess she made. Ralph's dad approached her with an outstretched hand. He started smacking her. She flinched at each smack. She was so frightened she bit him. He smacked once more and walked in the house. She followed slowly behind.

     When she reached age one she already bit twice. One day Ralph was playing in the playroom he was building towers and throwing things at them. Well, he decided he wanted a moving target. So, she bit Ralph. He complained to his mom but made up an excuse not saying he was throwing stuff at her. " Mom that dog is viciouse it won't stop biting me for stupid reasons. Make it go away I don't want it anymore. Someday that dog will be Man eating I don't want it in this house no more."

    Willow flattened to the ground as his mom answered. "Okay son if that is what you want anything to make you happy will be done."

     "Thank you mother." said Ralph.

     His mom scooped up Willow brought her outside and set her on the hard sidewalk "Run away pooch and never return you mutt."

Reviews

[Reuel]

This is a really nice story, with only a few minor issues. Mayhaps you could go back and put some paragraph breaks in it? Also, the characterization could be done in a more efficient way. For example, up near the beginning, where it says (said the boy named Ralph. "Okay Ralph, you can have any puppy you want." said his mom.) why not just put "said the boy" and then reveal his name through his Mom calling him Ralph? Then you can comfortably call him Ralph for the rest of the story, and save the reader's eyes.

Also, when you use emotion in your story, you tend to tell it, not show it. I pretty much refer to this as the show and tell rule. Why tell the reader how the character feels when you can show them, and draw them deeper into the story? Like, about halfway down the paragraph it says (The pup was jumping with excitement about her new home.) In other words, try showing the reader the pup is excited, don't tell them. Let them figure it out.

Down near the end, there's a sentence that might need combining. I believe it's.. (One day Ralph was playing in the playroom he was building towers and throwing things at them to make them fall over.) Why not make it.. -One day Ralph was playing in the playroom, building towers and trying to make them fall over by throwing things at them.- or something similar. Or it could be fine as it is hehe.

If you really wanted to make this first chapter longer and flesh out the story, this could be done by expanding the last two scenes. The first scene is complaining to his Mom, and the other her being thrown out on the streets.

I really like the emotion and plot line in this story, it has definite possibilities, and I look forward to the other installments.^^