She followed me

The mornings came slow but the evenings came fast
I would feel like I'm being watched everywhere I went, mostly
during the night. I was scared to be alone. Her eyes darker than
the darkest black, her skin as pale as ever. She presumed evil in every
sort of way. Her hair was as gray as ash. She was everywhere, never leaving
me alone. I couldn't see her but I could sense her, when she's near me or far away,
or even when she's right next to me. She'll watch me when I'm asleep, even when I'm
awake. She follows me everywhere I go, alone or not. I just want to get away from it all
Her dark as black eyes, her pale cold skin, her evil sight. It scares me when she follows me. She was a demon I didn't want to mess with or think about. I couldn't go face to face with her alone I need help getting away from her. I just want to get away.

Author's Note

based on a VERY TRUE story

Reviews

[Tea]

I like the idea of it there are a few mistakes but,and I love the flow of the words.

[Jupiter]

I like this but I will admit, it is hard to read, in my opinion only. The flow just wasn't there for me. I like the work, but it reads more like a short story or a piece of some sort rather than a poem. If you don't mind, here are my suggestions for spacing and fixing some word errors (*marked with asterisks*):

The mornings came slow but the evenings came fast
I would feel like I'm being watched everywhere I went...
mostly during the night.

I was scared to be alone.
Her eyes darker than the darkest black,
her skin as pale as *the whitest snow*. (added a descriptive here)
Her hair was as gray as *falling, flowing ash* (and here. Moved his line because it fit in with the description and seemed out of place with the next part)

She presumed evil in every sort of way.
She was everywhere, never leaving me alone.
I couldn't see her but I could sense her,
when she's near me or far away,
or even when she's right next to me.

She'll watch me when I'm asleep,
*or* even when I'm awake.
She follows me everywhere I go, alone or not.

I just want to get away from it all
Her dark as black eyes
her pale cold skin
her evil sight. (these 3 lines are a bit repetitive)

It scares me when she follows me. (how does it scare you? How does it make you feel? Your body react)
She was a demon I didn't want to mess with
or think about.
I couldn't go face to face with her alone
I need help getting away from her.

I just want to get away.
---

I think spacing like this makes it easier to read, flows better. However, again just my opinion. Also, it would help if you worked on your descriptive words, metaphors, or analogies. Explore your feelings. Make us feel what you feel. Why were you scared? How did you know? Was your heart pounding? Were you breaking out into a sweat? You use a lot of "as _____ as ______" (i.e. as grey as ash). Flesh that out more. Make is visualize what you see. Were her eyes as black as cindering coals, strike with a hateful glow? Was her hair grey like the clouds before a storm? These are just some random suggestions. I hope it helps.

Jupiter

[minnie:)]

thanks for the advice, I think I'll consider using some of your ideas :) Thanks
~Minnie

[unsavable_soul]

This is curious,
I like this piece though you might want to work on your word play a little, more description or feel in the words if you know what I am saying. However there is a haunting aspect to this piece. I was thinking yesterday to write about a real demon that as far as I can tell is bound to me some how. Ever creative Minnie, you beat me to it. Hope you're okay and by the way this is a little creepy.
Sincerely
Christopher
P.s. Sorry I haven't got my reviews done in like a day or so, I have been issued.

[minnie:)]

Thanks and it's fine about your reviews :p

[Mason Rayburn]

Felt more like a story than a poem. Story's aren't bad though. I'd be more interested in the story this was based on personally.

[Ninja545]

ooh creepy I like it good job minnie

[minnie:)]

thnks :p writing is meh speciallty XD

[Simon Welsh]

Love it! I too would like to know the full story behind it :P

[minnie:)]

Alright, I guess I can turn it into a story

[Simon Welsh]

Guess? Actions, not words dear :P

Yes, I know the irony in that statement.

[minnie:)]

Okay, I will turn it to a story

[Simon Welsh]

Yay! One last thing.... smile!

[minnie:)]

:)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) hows that??!! XD

[Simon Welsh]

Better xD now you seem human. Oh, my poetry is innocently waiting for a read if you got 5 :P

[minnie:)]

Sure I can read it just send me a request :p

[minnie:)]

but I'll have to read it later meh mom wants me offline :( so ill have to read the writing later

[Simon Welsh]

Okies hon :) I'll have a couple waiting :P

[minnie:)]

alright, byes :p

[Simon Welsh]

Bye bye :)

[Riley Bray]

First of all, if its a very true story, I REALLY want to know what was actually going on with details, tell me!!! It was a very good poem, eerie and creepy, a good write. There were only two things I saw to poke at, so here:

"Her dark as black eyes,"---while I understand what you're trying to say, it sounds a bit odd. Try rephrasing it? :)

"I couldn't go face to face with her alone I need help"----It sounds like there should either be a period or those three dots after alone. (...)

Great poem Minnie! I can tell you put a lot of work into this. :)

[minnie:)]

thnks, if u wnt details i cud put them in there for u

[Riley Bray]

I just read Quin's review and saw you legitimately meant a ghost. Call in the ghostbusters!!! On a more serious note, you need to burn sage and spray holy water, getting the house blessed again probably wouldn't be a bad idea either, also you should wear a cross at all times, and sleep next to the bible. Its possible that if it escalates some ghost hunters could come in, and they may find that it may not be a bad ghost after all, but you could instead be one of those people that can sense spirit energies and it puts you on edge.

[minnie:)]

Well its no ghost its actually worse than a ghost....more like a demon

[Riley Bray]

Its still a spirit though.

[Riley Bray]

All the more reason to keep a cross and carry around a bible. Also, if there are negative emotions in your house, its likely feeding off of that and therefore coaxing, no, persuading it to stay.

[minnie:)]

It's hard not to be scared in this kind of situation :/

[Riley Bray]

I know, but you'll have to muscle through. :< You could talk to your family and see if you can temporarily live in a hotel.

[minnie:)]

yeah, i doubt that'll happen

[Riley Bray]

Its worth a try though.

[minnie:)]

i guess I COULD try, but it's highly doubtful

[Riley Bray]

I'll be here. ;<

[minnie:)]

Hey, since you want some details I decided that I should make it a story

[Riley Bray]

That would be really cool. :)

[minnie:)]

I have to get off line so ill have to work on it when i get the chance

[Riley Bray]

Alright. :P

[Frieda P]

Holy this sounds like the nightmares I dread every night....at least I don't have to deal with it in the light, must be freaky. Good read, it got under my skin...

[quinfinn]

okat, now you have officially creeped me out. i mean, this is an engaging and captivating piece of writing but if it is a true story...no wonder you want to hide.

[minnie:)]

I figured if I just made it into something I like I could forget about my problem but it hasn't worked. It scares me to go outside at night alone. But my problem just keeps getting worse and worse.
Thing is I have no clue what to do about my problem

[quinfinn]

there are laws against stalking these days....they can do hard time.

[minnie:)]

This isn't a human that I'm dealing with, it's worse than some creep poking their head in my bedroom window

[quinfinn]

doppelganger? demon? worse? you need to see a voodoo priestess and get some gris gris magic involved.

[minnie:)]

My parents blessed the house before my problem appeared and after I did that I went to an abandoned house, I went inside it and it seemed to creep me out so I left, a couple days later the house was demolished and that's when my problem came

[quinfinn]

time to get some spiritual help

[minnie:)]

yeah, probably

[Gaurav Walia]

Scarily phenomenal ;).. Kudos!

[minnie:)]

thanks :)

[Gaurav Walia]

pleasure is all mine...