A True Story

Something quite real that happened March 30th, 2008.

As I rocked back and forth, I dreamt of a life I had once thought possible. Looking down, I was almost surprised to see my son in my arms, as if he were unfamiliar, but I saw comfort in his eyes. He was all I had left. Where could you be? I know why you left, and while others blame you, I can't help but justify you.

And yet, your son will never know you.

I walked downstairs with my nameless newborn. How could I name him so soon? We were supposed to do that together. As I carried him past the now face-down photos of you... of us... I stiffened. How can I do this on my own? You were supposed to help...

You were supposed to do many things.

I was alone even for the birth. There were many signs you had always left. Signs that should have told me how I'd be on my own. Maybe I always expected too much. Maybe it was just too much to ask of you to be there.

I'm not used to carrying such fragile things, so I slowly made my way to the door. Its bell rang again, as if I hadn't heard it the first time. Normally solicitors are never this impatient. I opened the door, not even looking at the salesmen. If I look preoccupied with my baby, they'll usually be quicker to leave.

"Mia..."

I stopped. I must be dreaming... there's no other explanation. I looked up.

"Sweetie..."

It had been so long since I heard you say my name. It had been even longer since I heard you call me "sweetie." I didn't want to believe what I saw.

"Is that... him?"

Should I answer? Of course it's him! What other baby would I be swaddling? You began to embrace us, and then I couldn't hold myself back. I started to cry so hard...

"It's okay now, I'm back. You won't do this alone."

And immediately, all harsh feelings, all guilt, all shame, all sorrow was washed away. As if nothing ever happened. We were a family. We were holding each other like a family. Two parents and their child. I cried even harder... I had never been so happy in my life. Some may see that as an exaggeration, but I have never cried that hard from happiness. Not when my parents briefly got back together, not when Ryan had survived his horrifying car accident, nothing compared to the elated feeling I had. It was euphoric.

And then we cried together.

We kissed passionately, and every bad memory was forgotten as all the good ones came flooding back. I caressed the back of your head with my right hand as I gently held our baby... yes our baby... with my left arm. I squinted my eyes so hard, the tears were pouring so fast.

As I opened them, I felt as though I were underwater. Not because of the tears, but because of the shift in gravity. When did I lay down? Where is my baby? Where did he go? Where are you...?!

As I sat up, I realized I was back upstairs, in my room. Alone.

Alone because it was all a dream. I am not a mother, and you are never coming back.

Reviews

[CC]

Oh my gosh... thats powerful. life is harsh and cruel. i don't have words for that