Cut Me Ear to Ear: 2

10/19/13

I had finally convinced my mother to give me a ride to my boyfriend Ty's house. He was saying how extremely excited he was to see me and that he can't wait. He can be the sweetest guy in the world, but usually it was just a casual thing, me going to his house. 

I mean the fact that I only get to see him once a week, twice if we're lucky, sucks, but he usually didn't care THIS much. 

But whatever, ya know. So I finally got there, and things were fine. We cuddled, talked, messed around, all that, what we usually do. Didn't go to his room at all this time. The counch was quite small that we were attempting to cuddle on, though. It was a Friday night, so we actually have a few hours together for once, and I didn't have to be home super early. I love seeing him and everything, I just don't know what happened this time. It ended up so s****y. 

He always rubs my back with the tips of his fingers really lightly, cause he knows it tickles and feels really good, he always does it. But around 8:30 pm, he stopped, and kinda, stopped holding me as close, I guess. And was kinda not letting me kiss and him stuff. I kept asking what was wrong, and he just shook his head and told me nothing. 

Then he started getting really distant, so I started to get really stressed out. Me and Ty have a lot of problems, in person, they're always worse though. 

I turned my head and put my hand on my head, and bit my lip as hard as I could so that I wouldn't start crying and he said, "Can I please see your Facebook messages." 

Our biggest problem in the relationship: him trusting me. 

Even though I've never, ever done anything to break his trust. 

See, I had nothing to hide. I was about 95% sure there wouldn't be anything that bothered him. But I didn't wanna show him because I was sick of him accusing me of cheating every damn day. I was sick of him calling me a s**t, I was sick of it all. 

So I layed there in silence for a good half hour, we both did. 

He seemed extremely pissed off with the occasional, "You're hiding something," comment, and I layed there with my hand over my eyes, crying silently. Trying to, anyway. 

"You know, I didn't mean to call you a s**t. I mean, I didn't mean it. I say things  I don't mean when I get mad..you know that." 

I didn't say anything, I just layed there. I couldn't stop crying, 

"One time, I told my dad to kill himself." 

I didn't know what to say, so I just sighed and kept crying.

"I actually found him once.." 

He stopped. 

"He tried to killed himself, and I found him. I called 911 and stuff, and I practically helped save his life," 

He stopped again, glanced over at me, and started again,

"I never even got a thank you. No, instead I get treated like s**t." 

He sighed, he was upset.

I turned to him and without looking at him, because I'm not too pretty when I cry, so I just avoid eye contact, I put both my arms around him, buried my head in the pillow he was laying on, and layed there for a minute.

"Thank you for the hug," 

He puts one arm across my back. 

"I don't deserve it." 

Damn right he didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve it at all. Not one bit. 

But I love him, I'm going to comfort him whenever he's in need. 

Then it was getting late, actually, past the time I was supposed to be home, so I got my things, and we went and waited in the garage. 

I didn't look him in the eye once, we just stood there waiting for his step dad to come out, in the first awkward silence we've ever had. I managed not to cry while waiting, but my head was pounding. 

Once we got in the way back of the van, his step dad turned the music up. 

Ty sat on the other end of the seat, which he never does. Usually we can't keep our hands off each other. 

I stared out the back window and right as I was trying to keep my s**t together, the song that has always made me think of him, then we slowed danced to at homecoming to, and it just really meant a lot to me because it was kind of my song for him, came on the f*****g radio. Wouldn't you know it. And I lost my s**t. I tried so hard to cry silently, but oh my god, the tears would not stop coming, and I was bawling. I didn't wanna lose him. 

He finally scooted over and put both his arms around me and wrapped the blanket around us, and I buried my head in his chest and the blanket, and cried for the whole song, and part of the next song, like, really hard crying.

Then I started getting my s**t back together, and he kept asking to see the messages.

"Just, just show me the f*****g messages. Or I'm going to break up with you." 

I started crying again.

"I know myself, and I don't want to break up with you, but I know how I get, and I can't help it. Show me the messages." 

"I'd never end up like my f*****g dad." I finally said.

"I never said you would, it doesn't matter, it's not you, it really is me. Now let me see them so I don't leave you." 

I cried some more, we got to my house, and he usually gets out with me to say goodbye and kiss me and stuff, and he did this time, but it was horrible. 

He got out, I got out, and he stood there, staring at me. 

"Are you gonna f*****g show me or not." 

I unlocked my phone, pulled up the messages, and showed it to him. 

There was nothing. 

"Let me see the ones from Randy." 

I showed him. 

"What the f**k?" 

"I was helping him with his girl problems, it was like a 5 minute pointless conversation." 

"Let me see the ones from Robby." 

I showed him. 

"You know what, f**k you." He pushed my hands away, and my phone, and me, away, and got in the car. 

"No, Ty, please.." My crying cut off the rest of the sentence, and he closed the car door. 

I was bawling, but I couldn't just stand there, so I walked up to my door. 

It was 11:00 pm and I knew my mother and her boyfriend were already sleeping. I stood outside my house  for a good two minutes bawling my eyes out beyond belief, trying to calm myself down so I could go into my house. They waited, maybe they thought I was locked out or something. Although, it was perfectly clear that I was crying. 

I finally had to just go in, and they drove off. 

I was still crying. 

"You didn't text me to tell me you were on your way home." I heard my mom from her room. 

"I'm sorry." I tried to get the words out between sobs. 

"What's wrong?" She came out. 

"He's just being dumb." 

"What happened that's making you cry like this, my god." 

"He's just always so mean," and I explained what happened. 

"Come here, you need to take your meds." 

I took my meds and she stood there with me after. 

"I know, I know what's it's like to come home and not know where you stand with him, I know what it's like to come home and not even know if you're still together. Just try to talk to him about it, figure things out. If he's going to try to control every aspect of your life though, maybe he's not good for you." 

This was a once in a lifetime thing, usually my mother is telling me how much of a f**k up I am, and so on. But not tonight, I liked her when she was like that. Wow. 

"I know, it's just, this is the first guy I've really liked since Randy..." 

"I know it is, so just get some sleep, and work it out with him tomorrow." 

And we both went to our rooms, and I went straight to bed. 

It was all too much to handle, and there was something I desperately have been trying to tell him about my past, but never have been able to...