White Noise

A Story by mimia7861

A short story following Grey, Green, Blue, Red, and Purple one night in a jazz bar. Written as an introspection on a dream, Grey sees Green for the first time in nine years.

As I dreamed, it was the kind of music that required, even demanded, an intimate venue. I was a witness and could ask for nothing more. I remember the crinkle of a candy wrapper. I remember his hands fidgeted and shook; he still had those thirsty fingers of his. It was a place where you could listen to time dying and being reborn simultaneously, all topped with a room temperature glass of draft beer and a dusty chair.

I was Grey. A man across the room was Red, and the woman next to him was Blue. The bartender was some shade of Purple, but his fingers were silver. And then of course he was Green, him and those restless hands. For some reason, it made sense that he was Green - by all means, there wasn’t anyone else who could embody Green like he did. I couldn’t clear the lump in my throat as I watched him.

Blue paused in her conversation with Red and smiled politely at me from where she sat. Her toe mindlessly tapped along to the beat of the music. Two and four, two and four, two… Red stopped mid-sentence and drummed his fingers impatiently on his lap. Even from where I sat, I could see that her eyes were silent, that the world passed through them without recognition. Silent, even as she tapped away with the voice of her companion in one ear and the music of time dying in the other.

I returned the smile and directed my attention towards the small stage once more. Their instruments reflected a light that I knew didn’t come from the room we sat in but from another source we couldn’t see. Still, their sounds and colors seeped into the air around us. I’d lost track of thought just long enough to not notice Blue taking a seat next to me. Purple poured her a glass of liquid so clear it seemed more empty than full. She nodded and offered a smile to both of us, lifting her glass to her lips.

“You know, I’d always treated jazz like white noise you hear in the back of coffee shops,” she said with her watery voice, “But I’ve got to hand it to them. This is something different.” Blue gestured towards the stage with her glass in hand, “White noise, huh. People always talk about drowning their sorrows with a drink, but you know, white noise is kind of like drowning too, isn’t it?” She said all of this with those curiously empty eyes of hers, not looking at me but instead past me at something only she could see. In a way, she was right; we were drowning without realizing it. Drowning in the sounds that dominated the air around us.

On the opposite end of the room, Red had directed his attention towards the stage. Every now and then, he would glance our way to look worriedly at Blue who by this point was in a world entirely different from ours. He clapped and cheered after Green finished an impressive solo. Blue jerked her head abruptly as if pulled from a dream. Taking this as a cue, Red crossed the room in a few strides to sit next to her.

“Hope you don’t mind my intrusion.” Purple wordlessly served him a glass of something dark like coffee which he drank appreciatively. Tapping his finger against the rim, Red continued to watch the band, deep in thought. He and Blue were both dressed nicely as if for a date and seemed to have coordinated their outfits. Between her stylish evening dress and his tasteful, dark suit, they made a handsome pair when placed next to each other. I noticed that, unlike Blue, Red had eyes that seemed to see the world burning all around him. His hands had a series of long, neat scars lining their edges. Scars, skin that had lost its way before reuniting with itself again as if asking, “Where have you been?” Purple raised an eyebrow upon noticing them but said nothing. As far as he was concerned, it wasn’t his business.

Visibly agitated, Red chewed on his lip, scratching some invisible itch behind his ear where the skin was already irritated. Blue’s expression softened, “Some people never stop drowning even when they’re surrounded by air, you see.”

Purple sighed as he polished the same whiskey glass for the hundredth time, “Where the hell is Yellow? She would have loved tonight’s set.” “Yellow?” I asked. Purple turned to me with mild surprise, “An old regular.” He hesitated for a moment, “Just, she hasn’t shown her face in while.” Blue nodded, and for a moment her listless eyes glowed, “I miss her. I remember she had the loveliest dream of a voice.” “It’s been, what, a few months since she was last here, right?” Red inserted, now the bar was in flames. Blue turned towards the stage again, “Mmhmm,” she hummed along sadly, lost in another dream. Purple moved on to polishing the silverware.

After the band finished their set, I thanked Purple for the drink and walked over to the stage. Looking back, I saw Blue had taken Red’s hand gently in her own as she continued to quietly hum along to Yellow’s ghost.

Green was offstage fastening his instrument case closed. I figured he was done for the night though the rest of the band was preparing themselves for another set. He was singing cheerfully to himself with nonsense lyrics, his hands every now and then conducting an invisible orchestra. I couldn’t help but smile - at least that hadn’t changed after these nine years. Head happily bobbing up and down, I recognized that expression on his face. All these years later, his eyes still shone with an idea begging to be shared with the world. Of course, he had a few more lines on his face than I remembered, and his voice bore the years in it with care, but time was no matter, I would always recognize him.

“Thought it might be you!” I called out to him, feigning as much ease as I could muster. I was no longer just a witness. Green looked up in surprise, likely mid-verse, and broke into a wide grin as recognition dawned on his face. For that split second, he was sunshine. Before I could say anything else, he jolted off stage and pulled me into a hug. Its familiarity surprised me with the warmth time had lent to my memory. And at least for that moment, I remembered all of the things time had given me rather than the things it had stolen away. Green took a step back and shook his head in amazement as he bounced from one foot to the other, hands still thirsty and quivering with all of the life God had afforded them during creation.

“I know this probably sounds stupid after all this time, but how have you been?” he asked. I laughed and stumbled, “No, no, no. Honestly, I-…I wasn’t sure what to say either. It took me a bit to get over my shock at seeing you here of all places. I’m…okay! These years have been a blur.” He laughed awkwardly, and I noticed his eyes dart downwards like they always did when he was nervous. Unlike in the past, however, he recovered himself and centered his focus back on the conversation at hand.

“What did you think of the sets tonight?”

“It was my first time hearing this particular band, but I’d forgotten how much I loved small venues like these.”

“Right? I picked up this gig last minute, but I think it’s one of the better impulse decisions I’ve made…this week. Actually, a buddy of mine-”

As he said the last part, Green stopped mid-sentence as he listened closely to the band. His eyes lit up, and his hands started to drum out a lick he seemed to recognize from the bassist. Remembering where he was, he smiled sheepishly, “Sorry.” I shook my head, “I see some things haven’t changed,” and added “And that’s okay. Actually, it’s comforting in its own way.”

He lifted his gaze and finally looked me in the eye. I didn’t see silence or flames, but I did see someone who was tired and yet so very alive at the same time.

We exchanged a few more lines of pleasant small talk before he gestured to his case, “I oughtta pack up and get out of here.” He paused and laughed, “You’re right, there are still a few things that really haven’t changed. I promised a friend I’d arrange something for their band even though I’m a little swamped with other gigs this week.” I raised an eyebrow. His habit of taking gig after gig and project after project was still the same to a fault. I imagined an older version of him locking himself in his stale music lab like he used to in college with air fresheners and frozen food for friends. “Hey, hey, hey. I’m not as bad as I used to be. I actually said no to someone this week. So there.” We made eye contact and burst into laughter. I rolled my eyes, “I’m so proud of you.”

Green hummed a happy tune as he gathered his equipment and folders of music organized in a way only his mind understood. Purple caught my eye with a curious nod as if to ask, “What the hell are you waiting for?” By this point, Red had finished two other drinks and was in the hazy process of trying to count exactly how many beads were on Blue’s necklace. “Six, seven…” I saw him whisper to himself with a kind of obsession I assumed Blue was used to. She caught my eye and smiled at me across the room; her still eyes could see me, but they saw me as a third party, as someone separate, someone present and absent at the same time.

Sufficiently packed and turning to say goodbye, Green froze. His expression morphed into sheer delight as he hurriedly set all of the things in his hands down. “Man, they’re on fire tonight! I haven’t heard this one in ages!” he called out to me on his way to the center of the room. I followed him in a daze. The air was thick with sound and music, but I couldn’t decipher any of it. I was drowning.

Noticing my state, Green stood there for a second, deep in thought. As if coming to some internal conclusion, he gently tugged my arm and pulled me into the center. He started tapping out a rhythm in sync with the band. He swayed back in forth in double time with eyes closed and an expression on his face that transported me back those nine years. Awkward limbs and all, he danced to the music on his own, and before I could comprehend what was happening, my feet started to move. I was dancing and swimming at once, and he was right there with me. He could see me, and I felt seen. Just then I remembered I was alive; I was so, so alive. I was alive before he ever knew my name, alive before anyone else had heard me speak, alive before I’d even realized that I knew how to love.

When the set inevitably met its end, we were left facing each other in the middle of a kind of dream. I blinked a couple of times to wake myself up. I had the sudden urge to kiss him like I’d wanted to those years ago, but I stopped myself �" it wasn’t fair of me to do that to him. Instead, I offered him a smile which he returned as we walked towards the bar together.

Purple made eye contact with me, wordlessly saying, “Chances like these are few and far between, dear.” Green took a seat next to me, and I sighed, “I haven’t danced like that in a long time.” He sat there for a few moments with a thoughtful expression, “It’s almost like they knew we were going to be here tonight.” I turned to him, “What do you mean?” He looked down, embarrassed, “Oh, I thought you’d remember it. We’d danced to it backstage back then.” In truth, my ears were still swimming, but I did remember a time those years ago when we’d resolved to put off our obligations and waste a bit of time with our friends after a rehearsal. I remember Green’s playfully restless fidgeting when he decided to turn on some music on his phone and started dancing right then and there. He danced unapologetically, dancing himself away. The rest of us joined in back then, our clumsy feelings and movements rolled away in one.

I returned to the present, “Now I remember! Actually, I’m surprised you remember that.” He smiled softly, “Of course I remember. How could I forget?” At that moment, Blue drew Red into herself and left a generous tip on the counter. She looked at me one last time and waved farewell, her expression sad and blurred next to Red’s now sleepwalking figure. The two of us waved at them though I gathered Green hadn’t ever met the couple before.

Suddenly weary with some unseen weight, Green sighed, “Listen, I want to say that I’m sorry ab-“ I stopped him, “No apologies tonight, only honesty.” His mouth set into an uncertain line. The silence was almost tangible, but this time I broke it.

“I’d be lying if I said that you haven’t been in my thoughts. Each time I thought about you, I prayed for you. Not that I always knew what to pray for.” He sat there in continued silence, so I kept going, “I never wanted to be unfair to you, so I tried everything I could to let it go, knowing you were living your life while I lived mine. I had to make peace with everything you said and did then- Lord knows I had my own selfish thoughts back then. And I know it’s selfish now to be saying any of this, but I loved you enough to know I couldn’t tell you that I loved you without hurting you in the process.”

The band members had already packed their cases and filed out with pockets full of tips from invisible patrons. I was surprised to see that Green miraculously wasn’t picking at his fingers or fidgeting in some way, but I had to remind myself that we had in fact changed a great deal. Purple coughed and gestured to a key on the heart of a counter, presumably for me to use to lock up the place.

“I’ve sacrificed a lot of things over the years,” Green said finally, “Back then, one of those things was whatever we had between us. I didn’t even know what to call it. I hurt you because of the road I’d chosen and couldn’t even see back then.” He had looked up in surprise when I’d mentioned that cursed word “love,” but he didn’t address it now. “Believe me, there were days I kicked myself for all of it.” I waved my hand before he could continue, “I’m not saying any of this to make you feel bad or regret what happened.” He sat with his hands calmly clasped in front of him, thirsty no longer. I paused and studied his face. It was still just as handsome as I remembered it, but it was tired, oh so tired. Yet, there was that familiar spark I had fallen in love with, underneath the layers added by life and all of its adventures and trials.

I gently placed my hand on his, “Did you find what you were looking for?” He half-smiled, “I did. I was denied the things I thought I wanted and more importantly given everything I needed.” I nodded slowly, “Then my prayers were answered.”

“Thank you. Truly.”

“I know you did the same for me.”

“And I still do.”

“You know, I’m glad you still dance.”

“Hey, my dancing has nothing on you.”

“Was that supposed to be a compliment?”

“What else would it have been?”

“Mmhmm.”

We shared one last laugh together. He was still Green in my eyes. Even in those moments, I knew a part of me still loved him, but I didn’t let those words breath. In that space, we were enough. This time, I hugged him, and he pressed his forehead to mine and whispered one last prayer for the night. I couldn’t hear the words on his lips, but I knew they were lifted with mine and embraced. He smiled warmly and hesitated as his hand reached for the door. Turning back, he waved at me. I waved back, and after I blinked, he was gone.

I took the key Purple had left behind and let it fall through my fingers. The glass in front of me held my reflection, and I could see that I was glowing. There weren’t any lights for me to turn off, so I gathered all I had heard and seen and locked the door behind me.