Milly's Journal - Chapter 8 - "Naming The Stars"

Milly and Louis have a chat together about a very special memory of their Dad.

Milly's Journal

























Chapter 8
"Naming The Stars"

(Please remember to read the footnotes at the end of the chapter as it explains why I write some of the things I do.)

Dear Dad,

It's the weekend! YAY!!

Yes, today is Saturday and it turned out to be a pretty good day. For one, we all got to sleep a little while longer this morning since we didn't have to get up for school and work. And it was great because we really needed the extra time to rest.

We spent most all of the day today trying to do as much as we could on what's left of moving in. Of course I don't think we'll be completely finished until a few more weeks probably. But we brought in the main stuff and were able to get a lot of our things in place once again. Thankfully all the large sized things are already inside and where they're supposed to be. And I have to say, this house is finally starting to look more like home. It still doesn't quite *feel* like home just yet, but we've only been here a few days now. So I think it'll be a while longer before I really feel like I am truly home again.

Dad I wish you were here so you could see Mom! She worked all day long, hardly stopping at all to even take a break! I don't know how she does it! I just admire the strength that she has in her, and I often wonder where it comes from. Even though I know she is still deeply hurting over missing you, she can still somehow find the strength and courage to keep on going! She's a trooper, that's for sure!

Even Louis helped with some of the work today, but only for a little while. Most of the time he sat outside in the backyard with his war toys digging around in the graveyard he's been making. He seemed kind of down though, acting quiet and not smiling very much. I think Max even sensed something was wrong because he stayed by Louis' side for almost the whole day.

But Dad, those two have this special bond with each other, no doubt about it! I don't know how Louis would go on if something ever happened to Max. That dog always seems to want to watch out for and protect Louis at all times now. It's so amazing to me how God made certain animals for us to love and care for, and the animals also love, care, and will also guard over us. And Max is definitely that kind of pet to our family!

Earlier this afternoon, I did catch Louis about to ride down the block again on his Big Wheel. But I stopped him before he was able to leave the yard. I just felt after what happened when he ran into those stupid bullies the other day, that he shouldn't try going around the block again so soon. I could tell he didn't like that one bit. But I explained to him in the easiest and nicest way possible why it was best that he ride his Big Wheel close to home instead. He acted like he understood and he agreed. So he rode around awhile in our driveway and on the sidewalk, but only in front of our house where we could see him. I also think it's possible he could've been afraid that if he went on ahead and didn't listen to me, then I might show Mom the note from his teacher. (But I hadn't planned on showing it to her anyway.)

I never saw Eric around at his house during the day either. Every now and then I'd look over at his windowsill, the one he usually sits on, and he was never there. And I was mostly so busy with working to move things inside, I had almost forgotten how he showed up in my room on my windowsill yesterday. But I am quite thankful he didn't freak me out by doing it again today!! In fact, I'm not sure he was even home this afternoon because it was still so quiet at his house all day long.

However I did find out by this evening that he was in fact at home. We had just finished eating dinner. Mom was cleaning up the dishes, and Louis was in the family room playing his video games. It was such a nice night, I decided to go outside and sit on the front porch steps for awhile. The weather was beautiful! A cool breeze was blowing and the sky was so clear and totally full of stars. I was tired from working most of the day so I was going to rest for a few minutes and get some fresh air while enjoying the night scenery.

I guess I had been there for about fifteen minutes or so when I suddenly heard the sound of windchimes starting to play with the gentle night wind. The chimes were coming from the direction of Eric's house again. So I looked over, and yes Dad, there he was....sitting in his usual spot on his windowsill, looking up into the sky with his arms out as he slowly rocked from side to side. I couldn't help but watch him and wonder what he could be thinking about. What is it he's really looking at when he's gazing constantly upward into the sky like he always does? Does he ever have any hopes and dreams?

As I sat there watching him, I could feel the desire grow strong in me again of wanting to know so much more about this boy. I just wish there was some way I could understand him and see him for who he really is. I also still desperately wish there was a way that I could get inside his world that he's trapped himself in so I can help him break free from all that has him bound. But until I can figure out how to do that, all I can do is pray that God will lead me the way to Eric, and show me, if there is any way at all how I can reach him. Because only God knows what's best for Eric. And He knows the true way to find his heart....and the Eric that God has made him to be.

I hadn't been out there too long after that when I realized Louis had come outside and was standing on the porch behind me. He immediately noticed that I had been watching Eric for awhile when he asked me, "Is Eric sitting on his windowsill again?"

I nodded my head and motioned for him to come over and sit on the step beside me.

As he sat down, I saw that he was holding a half-eaten popsicle in his hand. He was also looking up to where Eric was. With a puzzled look on his face he asked, "Doesn't he ever have anything better to do?"

That made me laugh when he asked me that. I thought it was a funny question. But I guess with seeing Eric only doing things like rocking, staring, and sitting on his windowsill almost every single day, you can't help but wonder if he really ever does do anything else. That's one reason I would love to be able to read his mind, and find out what he thinks about. And what is it that makes him do all the unusual things he does?

I thought it might be a good idea to try to start up a conversation with Louis by mentioning to him about how nice it was outside tonight. He just nodded his head as he continued to finish eating his popsicle. But for a minute or so, we both sat on the steps in silence, not really knowing what to say to each other.

After awhile, Louis started to gaze up towards the sky, looking around at all the beautiful stars that were twinkling away, making the darkened night sky look calming and peaceful.

Then, to my surprise, he turned and looked at me and asked me another question I totally didn't expect to hear come from him....

"Milly, do you think Dad remembers us?"

Oh Dad, it caught me so off guard when he asked me that. At first I didn't know how to answer him. I know ever since you died, it's been very hard for Louis the most to even talk about you. He's always kept his deepest feelings about your death locked down inside of him, while he seems to show some of the pain he's feeling outwardly by the way he dresses and how he plays with his war toys.

But as I looked into his eyes tonight, I could see he really wanted to know the answer by the way he was looking at me. His big brown eyes were just pleading for me to give him an answer that would somehow get rid of the aching pain he's had in him for so long.

I reached over, put my arm around him and pulled him closer to me. I searched my heart in hopes I could let him know the truth because...I don't know, Dad. How do you answer a question like that to an eight-year old child? And to be honest, I wanted to know the answer myself.

Do you Daddy? Now that you're gone, do you remember us? Do you miss us? Do you ever wish you could come back to us?

It was so hard Dad!! I never knew that one day Louis would be asking me that type of question. It was one of the hardest questions I think I've ever had to answer.

But the only reply I was able to give him was.....is that I know without a doubt that you are in Heaven right now. And I believe with all my heart that there is just no way you would ever forget about us. And that you have to remember us because I know you'll be there waiting for us to reunite with you in Heaven when our time to join you comes.

After I gave Louis that answer, he turned and started looking up into the sky once again. I kept my arm around him and continued to hold him close to me for awhile.

Dad, he even leaned over and laid his head on my shoulder. And as you know,  he never really does something like that with me very much.

I closed my eyes and quietly thanked God for letting this special moment happen with my brother. Because I've been worried about him for such a long time. And now he has finally started to let a little bit of the pain and feelings come out of him. I'll take any chance Louis will give me to let me show him that I love him and that I'm always there for him.

As we both sat there together, just being brother and sister, Louis made me smile when I heard him say, "I bet if Dad were here, he'd know how to get me to make it around the block!"

I gave him a little squeeze and told him that I am absolutely sure you would!  And you'd know exactly what Louis should do to get those cruel bullies to leave him alone, wouldn't you Dad? You always could come up with the best ideas to overcome anything! That's one of the many reasons we all looked up to you so much!

Louis and I sat there on the steps for a few more minutes. We kept looking up at the stars, making mention of how bright and beautiful they were tonight.

We then found ourselves thinking back to old memories of you, Dad. We remembered several heartwarming times we had with you that we hadn't thought of in awhile.

But the best memory Louis and I talked about tonight happened on a clear, starry night like tonight when we were little. I was about ten-years old and Louis was four. You would have me and Louis come outside after it had just gotten dark, and all three of us would sit together on the front porch swing. We'd swing for what seemed like hours, when in reality it was only for a few minutes. You would start telling us all kinds of amazing stories as well as funny jokes.

But one of those nights that we remembered the most was when you pointed up to the stars in the sky and told us how so many of the stars had names. And then you pointed to one specific star....right there in the middle of thousands of other stars, and you said, "That star looks like a Milly!" Then you pointed to another star in a different area of the sky and you said, "And I bet that star is a Louis!"

Oh Dad, that made us laugh so hard and we felt so happy! And I can still remember the sound of your laugh as you laughed along with us.

Then you'd put your arms around both of us at the same time, pull us close to you and hug us so tightly while saying that you loved us very much! I remember how you'd also make that growling sound when you would squeeze us as hard as you could, and we just kept on laughing and laughing till our stomachs hurt! All I know is, that was and forever will be one of the best and most fondest memories we have of you. I will never forget those nights with you Dad...and I know Louis won't either.

Thinking about that precious memory caused me and Louis to start laughing again. And guess what Louis said that made me laugh even harder? He pointed into the sky and said, "Hey look Milly! I bet that star right there is a Max!"

Yep! Even our dog should have his own star named after him too, don't you think?

But this night ended up being very refreshing for both of us. It helped bring the joy we had lost back to us for a little while. And I have to admit, just being able to laugh again felt awesome! It was like during the moments we were laughing, that for just a few minutes, nothing at all was wrong in our lives. It made me feel happy just to be alive, and happy with all the things I still have in my life that God has blessed me with. One of those things is having my little brother Louis in my life, as well as being able to share these joyful memories about you with him.

Not much time had passed after that moment when I looked back and noticed that Mom had come outside and had joined Louis and me on the porch. Max came out as well and went over and sat down beside Louis as Louis began to lovingly scratch the top of Max's head.

I'm not sure if Mom had come out because she heard us talking and laughing or not. But she did want to know what we were doing out there.

Dad, when I looked at her, she seemed so exhausted from working so hard all day. Though I'm impressed at all she's been doing lately, I do wish she would relax and take some time for herself.

Anyway, I told her that we were just out there enjoying the fresh air and talking about old times. I really wanted her to come and sit down for awhile with Louis and me. But before I could even ask her, she quickly reminded Louis that it was getting late, and that he needed to come back inside and get ready for bed. She also encouraged me to do the same.
 
With Max in tow, Louis obeyed, got up and went inside. As I stood up to go inside with him, I realized that during the time I was talking with Louis, I had forgotten all about how I had earlier been watching Eric sitting on his windowsill. I turned back to look...and if you are wondering....yes he was still there. But he had stopped rocking from side to side, and was just sitting there doing nothing else but gazing upwards into the sky.

Mom noticed him about then and she too stood there and watched him for a few seconds.

I walked over to her and told her that she didn't have to ask me, but that yes...Eric had been sitting there the entire time I had been out there. She must have been ready to ask me that very question because she smiled and hung her head which let me know I was right in guessing at what she was thinking about.

I put my hand on her shoulder and asked her how she was doing. She said she was very tired, but mostly feeling okay. I almost started to mention about the conversations I just had with Louis. But I don't know, I felt our little chat was very special, and I really wanted to keep it between Louis and me for now.

Mom also asked me how I was doing - how school was going and things like that. I told her I was also doing okay and that I was starting to get used to school now. I even told her all about trying to roll the volleyball to Eric in gym class and how he wouldn't respond to me.

But Mom, as always, ended up giving me her usual motherly advice. She explained that what I did with Eric was a really great thing to do, and that I shouldn't give up...even when nothing positive came from it. I added the part about how after so much time was wasted with Eric refusing to do anything, that the only thing I COULD do was to give up and walk away from him.

Mom gave me the sweetest smile. She put her arm around me and started telling me that she feels that maybe Eric was really grateful that I had tried to help him and encourage him. But maybe he wasn't able to express it, or he didn't know how to.

I don't know, Dad. The way she said that did kind of make sense. However, all I knew was it made me feel extremely discouraged after I had gotten my hopes up like I did.

I mentioned to her about how Eric didn't seem to be aware at all that I was sitting right there on the bleachers with him. And how he made me feel like I was invisible.

Mom leaned over and gave me a quick hug and let me know how she was so very proud of me for trying my best to help Eric. She went on to say that it really is okay to get discouraged once in awhile. Because that's when we usually are able to discover the strength we have inside us is actually so much more greater than we thought. We just have to refuse to let things like what happened with Eric keep us down. And also we shouldn't let it defeat us and not let it make us stop believing in ourselves.

Well Dad, as always, Mom was right. Even though my first attempt with Eric failed, you never know when the door will open again and God will give me another chance. I just need to put all my faith and trust in Him and let Him lead me to the next open door He has waiting for me.

I looked over at Eric on his windowsill again and explained to Mom how I wish I could at least understand him, and understand why he acts the way he does, and why he's the way he is.

Mom gave me another smile and said that in time, she honestly believes I will.

I'm not sure what time it had gotten to be, but it really must have been getting pretty late right then because Mom had to remind me a second time that I needed to go back inside and start getting ready for bed. By that time, I was starting to feel quite sleepy, so I agreed that I should go on up to bed and get some much needed rest.

I told Mom "Good night." She told me the same, and that she'd see me in the morning as she went back inside into the kitchen to finish cleaning up before she went to bed as well.

As I made my way to go back into the house, I stopped and looked back at Eric for one last time tonight. I said to him, (loud enough so that he could hear me,) "Good night Eric!"

But of course, I'm sure he didn't hear me.

As I expected, he continued to keep his eyes fixed only on the sky above him, staying very still, not making a sound.

Honestly, I really don't think he even realized that any of us were on the porch tonight. And I don't think he had any idea whatsoever that we were watching him either. It's just that most of the time he's gone off so far away into his own quiet world, he's unable to notice anything at all going on around him. It's like he's here in the physical sense, but at the same time it's as if he's thousands of miles away to where no one is able to find him.

However I was thinking back to when he was sitting on my windowsill in my room yesterday. And the way he was looking directly at me lets me know that maybe, just maybe he actually *did* know that I was trying to help him during gym class after all. But I wish there was a way to know for sure. All of this is so hard for me to understand!!

Well Dad, I think Louis is already in bed now and I can hardly hold my eyes open much longer. So I'm going to go to sleep now. Geneva is going to come over tomorrow afternoon and yes, I'm still looking forward to her being here, would you believe?

Anyway...Good night, Daddy..

And Dad....don't worry. I know you'll never forget about us! You love us too much to ever do something like that!

I love you Dad! You're the best Dad in the world!!! -

Milly

FOOTNOTES:  By Lynn McFall

I want to make note that this chapter turned out to be totally different from what I had planned. In my original plans, I was going to have Milly writing on a Sunday, but starting out with a quick, short mention of what they did on Saturday. I probably would've had it be about two or three paragraphs long. Then I was going to continue on with the next scene in the movie that happens where I left off in chapter seven. But as I began writing, I suddenly got this idea of Milly and Louis sharing a memory of when their Dad talked with them about the stars having names.

As I was writing, the few paragraphs I originally was going to have for this chapter turned out to be one page, then another, then another...etc. It ended up that what I wrote looked like it would be enough for one chapter. If I had continued on with the next scene in the movie, I think this chapter would be a bit too long. So...I decided to make what I wrote here as it's own chapter. All my ideas I left out of chapter 8, I'm going to just move them to chapter 9.

I want to include every scene in this movie from start to finish, although at times I might have to change scenes around just a little to make them work with the way I'm writing this story. (An example is in the chapter where Louis told Milly how the bullies first chased him.)

Mainly I'm wanting to have Milly showing her love and compassion to her family more than she did in the movie.

As I believe I have mentioned before, so many scenes in the movie will be very very difficult to put into letter form. (For example, scenes that have a lot of dialogue of characters having a conversation with each other.) But I'm still trying my best. But I know as hard as some parts of the movie will be to write, some chapters may end up sounding really stupid and lame and also very unprofessional in a real writer's point of view...that is if any real authors are reading this story.  I'm sure many real writers will frown at a lot of stuff I'm writing in this story.

But anyway, to all who are reading my story, bear with me during the parts that are difficult for me to put into words. As you know, I am NOT a professional writer or even close to being one. Actually I don't think I'm a very good writer at all. But even so...I hope you are able to enjoy my story so far.

Author's Note

(Sorry the photo is so large..I don't have time to resize it at the moment.