Milly's Journal - Chapter 4 - "The One Left Behind"

Milly has a heartfelt talk with her Mom. Mom's inner feelings start to fully show.

Milly's Journal

 

Chapter 4

"The One Left Behind"

Dear Dad, 

It's a little after 11:00 PM. I'm still so tired I could almost fall asleep sitting up. But something really heartbreaking happened a few minutes ago that I feel I want to share with you before I put away this journal for tonight and go to sleep. This will be a little hard to tell you about because my eyes tear up every time I think about it. And it's not easy to be writing something when you can't see the paper clearly because you have tears in your eyes. But this time...it's about Mom.

 

Louis had already gone to bed, and I was starting to walk into my bedroom to get ready for bed myself when I noticed there was a dim light coming up from the living room downstairs. Of course it wasn't Louis, and I thought Mom had already gone to bed a little while ago. But I looked and saw that her bedroom door was open a little so I peeked inside. She wasn't in her room. So she must be downstairs. I knew she couldn't have gotten back to work some more because I couldn't hear a sound. There was nothing but complete silence coming from downstairs. I wondered what she was doing down there this late at night.

 

So slowly and very quietly I went down the stairs and peeked into the living room where the light was coming from. I saw Mom was sitting in the middle of the living room floor. There were several boxes all around her, opened, but still had things inside as if she was going through some of them. But then my heart completely sank when I saw what she was holding in her hands.

 

Dad you know our family photo we had sitting on the mantel in our living room back home? The one we had taken last Spring? Mom was just sitting there and holding that photo and looking at it for a very long time. I could hear she was softly crying. She would often take her hand and gently touch the area of the photo where you are in it.

 

I know for the longest time she's tried to keep her tears hidden from Louis and me because I know she still wants to stay strong for the both of us. I think if she feels if she breaks down in front of us, she'll feel that we'll see her as being weak and being a failure. And if she feels she can't be an example to us on how to stay strong and overcome the obstacles in our lives, then who would we look up to when we need someone to help us along the paths we walk on in our lives? I know Mom knows that we all need to lean on to God when we need a helping hand because God is and always has been the main cornerstone of our family. But at the same time, I really feel if she knows when we see her fall, she's afraid it could cause us to fall as well.

 

I had been there for a minute or so standing there on the stairs so I quietly spoke and let her know I was there.

 

She turned to look at me and her face was wet with tears. Oh Daddy it killed me to see her like that. She smiled at me and blinked her eyes trying to hide the tears, but I know she knew I could see them.

 

I asked her if she was ok.

 

She looked back down at the photo, wiped her eyes, then looked back at me. She started telling me how she was in bed and was almost asleep. When she suddenly had the strangest feeling that something was missing, that we had forgotten something we left at home.

 

For a few seconds I started to try to think of what me might have accidentally left behind...if we had left a box we forgot to pack in the moving truck or something. I know we had remembered to pack our most important and larger things first. But as always it's easy for something small to get left behind in a corner or behind a door where it can get easily overlooked.

 

Mom then told me how she got up and came downstairs and started looking through everything she could think of to look through. But whatever it was she was looking for wasn't here.

 

But suddenly the sound of her voice started to break and I saw more tears start to fall down her cheeks as she looked up at me again. This time she didn't try to hide them.

 

In a whisper and her voice still breaking, she said she finally realized what it was.

 

Without even telling me, I knew right at that moment she was talking about you, Dad.

 

My eyes started tearing up right then because I felt that you could still be at our old house waiting for us. Just as the day we pulled out of the driveway for the last time, I felt we were leaving you behind. I'm not sure why I felt that way. Because I know you are in Heaven right now, and you will always remain with us in our hearts. But for some reason, it also feels like we really aren't truly home. Because our home here is missing one of the most important family members to make it a real home....you!! And now Mom is feeling the same way.

 

Mom was looking right at me, still blinking back the tears as she told me that for awhile it's not going to be easy, and that she's really going to need my help.

 

My voice came out in barely a whisper, trying so hard to hold back the tears myself as I said to her, "I know, Mom."

 

She smiled at me again and reassured me by saying, "And I know you do."

 

Daddy I wish with all my heart there was something I could do to help take away Mom's pain. But she's right. This is not going to be easy...for any of us. But I know as a family we need to get through all of this pain together. When one of us falls, we need to be there to help pull each other back up. We need to also remember we have a loving God we can always turn to who is always there to pick us back up when we fall. And we need to remember that not only will He pick us back up, but that He will also hold us in His arms and carry us.

 

I suddenly realized how late it must be getting when I heard Mom tell me that I'd better get to sleep, and reminded me that we have a big day tomorrow.

 

Yes Dad, all of us have a really big day tomorrow. Louis and I start at our new schools, and it's Mom's first day at work. So tomorrow it is going to be one long and crazy day!!

 

I told Mom "Goodnight" and turned to go back upstairs.

 

As I was leaving I looked back at her. She had picked up our family photo and was looking at it once again. I think she's going to stay up a few more minutes.

 

On the walk back to my room, I couldn't help but to go ahead and let myself cry a little. Mom is hurting Dad. And especially seeing her tears...it's just too hard for me to take!

 

I went into my room and quietly closed the door behind me. I leaned against it a few minutes and cried softly for awhile.

 

I know all this pain will go away someday Dad. But when? Honestly at times it seems like this heartache could just go on forever.

 

As I was standing there, Penny tweeted happily in her cage. I walked over to her and gently tapped the side of the cage to get her attention. She was as usual hopping around, flapping her wings looking as happy as could be. She has no idea that all around her is a family who is deeply hurting.

 

I let her know that she didn't have to worry about leaving anything back home. But she of course didn't act like she heard what I said. If only she could understand.

 

Suddenly, while I was standing there talking to Penny, a shadow dashed very quickly past my window. It went by so fast I wasn't able to see what it was. In case it was still out there somewhere, I quietly walked to the window and looked outside. Still there was nothing I could find that could've caused that shadow to race by like that.  I'm on the second floor so it couldn't have been anything on the ground, like an animal or anything like that.

 

It was sure weird though. I KNOW I saw something! But maybe it was just my imagination. Sometimes our imagination can make us think we see things that aren't really there. But I'm only fourteen years old Dad. Even at my age my imagination can sometimes still run wild!

 

(1) Anyway, the night was so peaceful and beautiful, I stood there at the window for a few minutes and looked out at the beauty that nighttime can bring. The sky is totally filled with twinkling stars...not a cloud in sight tonight. And the moon is bright enough till I can still see the trees that are far away and the flowers all around. It reminds me of when I was a little girl, and you and I would often take walks together after dinner. Remember Dad? You would hold my hand and we'd walk up the street a bit and we would take in the night air and all the beautiful sights the night would have. I remember how especially on cold nights, the way your hand felt holding on to mine, and how nice and warm you would make my hand feel. And when we'd stop and look up at the sky and just look at the stars together trying to figure out how many there are and how they even got up there. Sometimes you'd pick me up and put me on your shoulders as we would look at the stars, and you would even tell me to try to reach up to see if I could touch them. But I would start laughing when you knew that I was sure there was no way my little hands could reach up that high. Then you would take me off your shoulders, hold me close to you in your arms, and  you would start hugging and kissing me till I laughed so hard I almost couldn't breathe! But most of the time you would carry me back home, still holding me tightly in your arms because I would start getting sleepy not long after that.

 

I loved those nights being with you Daddy. I could never forget them. Because it was no one else but just you and me. Louis was a baby then, so he never really got to take one of those walks with you. That makes me so sad. I know he would've loved walking and being with you just as much as I did. He would've loved trying to reach to see if he could touch the stars as well.

 

(2) But when I got to be about eleven or twelve years old, I for some reason thought I was getting too old to take walks with you anymore. I remember for awhile you would ask me if I wanted to go, but I would always say no and go off doing something else. I was finding new interests when I was nearing my teenage years so I thought taking walks at that age were boring or something. But now I feel just awful that I would say no to you Dad when you would want to walk and spend time with me. Thinking about this is making me start to cry again. Because honestly I would give ANYTHING to be able to take our special walks again. I just realized how much I really miss them, and how angry I feel at myself that I would tell you no when I got older. I can remember the disappointed look you would get on your face when I would tell you I didn't want to walk with you anymore Daddy. I remember that after awhile you finally stopped asking me when you realized that I wasn't wanting to go anymore. I don't know why I really felt that way. I don't understand why I felt like I was too old to take walks with you. It's just something I never thought about till now. I feel that you understood I was growing up but even though you might say you weren't hurt by what I said, I feel like I DID hurt you for no longer wanting to go. Maybe I shouldn't feel this way. Maybe I'm wrong. But I can't help but feel that I did hurt you Daddy. And I never got to tell you I'm sorry. But I want to tell you now. I'm sorry I said no! Oh Daddy I am SO sorry I said no to you! Please forgive me Daddy! I would never want to hurt you! I love you so much, and I'm so sorry!

 

But Daddy, you made those walks very special to me...and I do want to thank you for that because I don't think I ever did  thank you. Because they made me so happy when we did walk together. So thank you so much Daddy for letting those special walks become a precious memory I will cherish forever. I feel a warmth in my heart right now for the memory coming back to me tonight because it has been a very long time since I even thought about those nights we walked together. I just wish with all my heart they could've continued.

 

Well I think I've cried enough tears tonight till I don't think I could have many more tears left inside me. But I do have one more thing to tell you.

 

As I was standing at the window tonight, I noticed that the "windowsill boy" is now nowhere to be seen. Yes he's gone. All I can see is his open window and the curtains blowing in the breeze. That light is still on in his room, but thankfully he's not acting weird and creepy on the sill anymore. I can finally relax and get some sleep. I don't think I could sleep if he was still sitting there. I just hope that he doesn't do that again. Honestly, and I know this may sound bad, but I'd be glad if he'd just go away all together. I've barely even met him and I already don't like him. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but it's hard when he's acting that strange. I just don't understand him...at all. So I'd rather be as far away from him as I can get!

 

I just hope the rest of the people in this neighborhood turn out to be normal. Because all the ones we met today...they just are NOT cool! Not cool a bit!!

 

Well I can hardly keep my eyes open any longer Dad, so I'm going to end this now and get some sleep. School is tomorrow for me and Louis and yea...I'm a bit nervous since it will be our first day. I just hope these schools will have normal kids in them. Unlike the ones we met here today!

 

Also after I finish this letter to you, before I go to sleep, I'm going to say a special prayer for Louis and for Mom. As I told you, Louis had a pretty bad day today with those stupid, mean bullies and what they did to him, and seeing Mom downstairs with our family photo a few minutes ago. I just feel like I want to ask God to touch them and give them peace. Because well...we all could use some peace right now. Especially Mom. I know she is taking all this harder than Louis and me. But more than anything I want her to feel peaceful once again, and that God will let her know He is always there to comfort her, to love her, and will hold her when she's needing loving arms to run into.

 

And also, a few minutes ago, this song came to my mind. I've heard it played on the radio a few times awhile back. But right now the words to this song really hits home to what we're all going through, and of course Mom. It's like the person who wrote the song can actually read my mind and heart. Every time I hear the song or think about the lyrics, I cry. (And I thought I was through crying for tonight..ha ha.)

 

I'm going to copy the lyrics for you in this letter. I hope these words touch your heart as much as they touch mine. This song talks about dancing, but remember Daddy, when I was a little girl we'd dance together too. Like many little girls would do, I would stand on your feet and you would hold my hands and we'd dance around the living room! This is another memory of you that I will always cherish forever. So Daddy, these lyrics are for you...

 

(3) Dance With My Father - Luther Vandross

 

Back when I was a child

Before life removed all the innocence

My father would lift me high

And dance with my mother and me and then

 

Spin me around till I fell asleep

Then up the stairs he would carry me

And I knew for sure

I was loved

 

If I could get another chance

Another walk, another dance with him

I'd play a song that would never, ever end

How I'd love, love, love to dance with my father again

 

When I and my mother would disagree

To get my way I would run from her to him

He'd make me laugh just to comfort me

Then he'd finally make me do just what my mama said

 

Later that night when I was asleep

He left a dollar under my sheet

Never dreamed that he

Would be gone from me

 

If I could steal one final glance

One final step, one final dance with him

I'd play a song that would never, ever end

Cause I'd love, love, love to dance with my father again

 

Sometimes I'd listen outside her door

And I'd hear her, - mama cryin' for him

I pray for her even more than me

I pray for her even more than me

 

I know I'm prayin' for much too much

But could You send back the only man she loved

I know You don't do it usually

But dear Lord, she's dyin' to dance with my father again

Every night I fall asleep

And this is all I ever dream

 

Well I think I heard Mom's bedroom door shut a few minutes ago, so I think she's gone to bed now. So I'm going to go and pray for her. And also pray for Louis too.

 

Until I write you again,

Goodnight Daddy...I love you, so much!!

-Milly

 

P.S. Daddy, when I get to Heaven and we're all together again, lets take our special walk there together ok? And we'll bring Mom and Louis,...and yes even Max with us too. Ok? I love you!!

 

(Music Video to Dance With My Father Again)

 

 

FOOTNOTES: By Lynn McFall

 

(1) This part was not in the movie. In the movie after Milly sees a shadow go by her window, she just goes and looks outside, looks around and then looks at the window that the boy was sitting on earlier. She has no memory she reflects on of taking walks with her Dad in the movie. As I started writing that part of the movie, that idea came to me to have Milly have that special flashback of her with her Dad when she was a little girl, and then to have her regret no longer walking with him when she felt she was getting older. Sometimes when I write, new ideas pop into my head during the time I'm actually writing something. Many times I have ideas and plans BEFORE I start writing a chapter. But often as I'm writing the chapter, a new idea I hadn't even thought about will suddenly come to mind. The part where I have Milly feeling badly that she told her Dad "no" to taking walks when she got older, that idea popped into my head long after I had written and finished the rough draft of the chapter. So that part was an ad-on to the story.

 

(2) I have to admit, when I was writing about how Milly was hurting because she told her Dad "no" when she felt too old to take walks with him anymore, I had to fight tears at times because I know I took walks with my Dad when I was learning to walk. But sadly I can't remember those walks I took with him at all. (Because I was a baby when my Dad died.) In the introduction section of this story, you will see a photo of me holding on to my Dad's hand as he was helping me learn to walk. If you haven't seen it, take a look at it. That photo is very special to me, even though I have no memory of those walks at all. So that's why that part of the story was hard for me to write.

 

(3) The song, "Dance With My Father" by Luther Vandross wasn't in the movie either. But I suddenly remembered the song while I was writing this part of the story and I thought the lyrics fit just perfectly after Milly saw and had a talk with her Mom and how she saw how deeply her Mom was hurting over the loss of her husband. The lyrics just fit so well with that scene I decided to write the lyrics into the story. I also added a music video, (no I didn't make this video.) so you can hear how the tune goes with the lyrics. The song is very very beautiful and extremely emotional, especially if you've lost a father in your life.

 

I notice as I go back and reread what I've written, that I'm always writing many of the same words over and over again. And some phrases I write repeatedly too. I do go back and try to fix it up a little when I do that but it's hard when certain words and phrases I use a lot get to the point and explain what I want to write about. Mostly I just let them go...but they often catch my attention...I know professional writers would be frowning at me big time doing that all throughout this story. But it's ok. I am NOT anywhere NEAR a professional writer...at all!!! I'm not even that good of a writer! And I'm not getting graded on this so most of the time I let things like that go. It might make the story sound lame, but sometimes I like getting the point I'm writing about across to the reader. LOL! So if you are a professional writer and are reading this, I'm blushing at all my mistakes and such. Do forgive me. I'm trying. Heh heh!

Author's Note

As of this date, (Oct 25, 2010) chapter 4 is the farthest I've got on this story. This will be an ongoing writing project I'm doing so later chapters will come when I of course finish them. LOL! I hope to start writing chapter 5 soon. I'll upload it here whenever I finish it. And of course, thanks to anyone who is reading this so far. I really appreciate it! Reviews are welcome! Good and bad ones too. But just don't be too mean to me if they are bad...I bruise easily. Ha ha ha! Just kidding! :0P