Milly's Journal
Chapter 13
"The Journey Begins"
(Please remember to read the footnotes at the end of the chapter as it explains why I write some of the things that I do.)
Dear Dad,
It's now the early morning of the second day, and the first day with Eric has come and gone.
I'm so sorry I didn't write to you last night. I had planned to, but by the time I finished my homework, I could hardly stay awake. I actually went to bed a lot earlier than I have been, so that shows how tired I really was.
However this morning I woke up a little before it was time to get up and get ready for school. So this gives me a chance to write and tell you all about how yesterday went.
All I can say is, it was rather...interesting...to say the least. That's the only word I can come up with to describe it.
It was raining the night before, and I was worried we wouldn't be able to make our usual walk to school. My main concern was not knowing how Eric would take to riding in the car with us, if that ended up being the case. I really don't think he's ready to do something like that just yet.
But by the time the sun came up, the rain had stopped, and it was just cloudy. The weather had also turned a bit cooler for this time of year because of the rain, but it wasn't too bad. So I was very glad we could walk.
Louis was pretty grateful about it too since he didn't have to get up early like he did the other day. And it sure made it a whole lot easier getting him out of bed this time.
Knowing I would most likely be confronting Uncle Hugo that morning, I waited until the last possible moment that I could before I went to their house to get Eric so we could start on our way. I had no idea what to expect going over there again, so you could say I was extremely uptight about it.
But before I went out the door, I stopped and quietly said this short prayer:
"God,
I don't know what it's going to be like with Eric today, or what might happen when I go over to his house and see Uncle Hugo. But I do know this day belongs to You! And I know You are there to lead me on. And I choose to follow You the whole way through."
When we got to Eric's house, I told Louis to wait on me, and I anxiously walked up the sidewalk while trying to disregard the negative thoughts that were sneaking their way back into my mind. As I got closer to the steps that led up to the front door, I had to stop and take several deep breaths to calm my nervous stomach.
Now I knew I didn't have much of a reason to be nervous. But being unaware of the condition Uncle Hugo was going to be in that morning made me worry about what it was going to be like. I kept going over in my mind what he might say to me and how I would answer him.
Mrs. Sherman was telling me, like I am with Eric, I should try talking to Uncle Hugo the same way I would any other normal person, no matter how he could be acting at the time. But as the saying goes, "some things are much easier said than done."
Before I knocked on the door, I quickly asked God to stand with me and give me the wisdom of what I should say.
Yes, I do want to be a friend to Uncle Hugo. And though it might be difficult, I was going to try my best to be as kind and as friendly to him as I could.
I closed my eyes for a second, took another deep breath and knocked on the door.
After a minute went by and nothing happened, I thought maybe nobody heard me. But just as I was about to knock again, I saw the doorknob turning, and the door popped open to reveal a very drowsy and scruffy looking Uncle Hugo towering above me.
Dad, I've told you this once before, but it's worth repeating....THIS MAN IS TALL!! Much taller than you are even! The way he was standing there in front of me made me feel so tiny compared to him. I was almost ready to take a few steps backward so he wouldn't crush me or something.
I tried to be bold as I smiled and greeted him by saying "Good morning" to him.
He did return my greeting and said "Hello" back to me. Although for some strange reason, it was like he didn't know who I even was. So I had to say my name again and remind him that I was the girl who lived next door.
Thankfully it didn't take long for it to click, and he actually remembered me by bringing up the fact that I was the girl who "helped Eric off the roof because I was afraid he would fall." He had this amused look on his face when he mentioned it, and it was obvious he was trying very hard not to laugh. But seriously, I did NOT want to go through all of that again.
I tried distracting him from the memory of that horrid day by immediately jumping in to explain that I was there to get Eric so we could go to school. I also thought I'd better tell him a little about how I was now helping out Mrs. Sherman.
"Well that's a nice thing to do." --
His reply came out in a gruff sounding voice and his words were kind of slurred when he spoke. It also looked like he had just gotten out of bed. But in my opinion, he really wasn't fully there.
My mind was racing like crazy trying to figure out what I should do or say next to him. How on earth do I be a friend to someone who was as bad off as Uncle Hugo was right then? I knew I was in desperate need of God's help in this area because I couldn't see how I was going to be able to do this on my own.
I then asked him where Eric was. It would soon be getting late, and with the way Eric is at times, I didn't want anything to cause us to miss getting to school on time.
He turned, pointed at the stairs behind him, and said that Eric would probably be up in his room.
I hurriedly raced past him, thanking him, and started up the stairs.
When I was almost at the top, I paused and hollered back down to him to say how I was glad the rain had stopped so we wouldn't have to walk to school in it.
Yep! It's a well known fact, that when you want to get to know someone to be their friend, most people will always come up with the idea to mention something about the weather when you can't think of anything else to say. And that very idea came to me at the last minute.
Unfortunately though, Uncle Hugo's answer was just merely one word...."Yeah."
I noticed he had wandered into the side room and had slumped down in a chair in front of the TV.
Dad, I happened to get a quick glimpse of the downstairs to their house, and almost every room was a total mess. There was trash thrown here and there, dirty clothes had been strewn over chairs and tables, and even the windows looked like they hadn't been washed in ages. It was so heartbreaking knowing that two people had to live in a house where no care went in to keeping it nice enough to where you feel you are in a real home. It also didn't seem to be a healthy place to live in either. I just pray God will show me the way to make their house a home again....a home where Eric and his uncle can be happy, healthy and secure.
When I went into Eric's room, I found him sitting on the floor by his bed. Beside him was a stack of blank sheets of paper that he was using to make paper airplanes. He had quite many of them already made scattered on the floor around him.
One specific thing I noticed though was how clean and neat his bedroom was compared to the rest of the house. I remember noticing this the other day when I first went into his room. I couldn't understand why, but it helped me feel better to know that of all rooms, Eric's room was the one you would feel okay to go into as well as stay in.
I let him know I was there by saying his name and asking him if he was ready to go to school. But when I did, an unusual thing happened.
For just a short instant, Eric stopped folding the paper, sat up straight, and looked up at the ceiling.
No he wouldn't look over at me, but his eyes began to quickly scan all areas of the ceiling, searching almost every spot as if he was trying to find where the sound of my voice was coming from. However when I spoke up again, I thought for sure he would turn and look right at me....but he never did.
He kept examining the ceiling for about another minute before his concentration went back to his paper airplanes.
I was becoming somewhat concerned that I might have the same trouble getting him to come with me like I did the other day, so I was hoping extremely hard that it wasn't going to happen again this time. No way did I want him to make us late in getting to school, although I knew Mrs. Sherman would understand.
As I racked my brains to come up with a simple solution on how to get Eric going, I kept seeing several things in his room that were catching my attention. On one side of the room were some kind of pictures hanging up on the wall. Well...I was curious, so I went over to take a look to find all of these amazing and beautiful photographs that appeared to have been torn out of magazines. There were pictures of airplanes, pictures of birds in flight, and there were even some with butterflies -- absolutely gorgeous butterflies with many vibrant colors in their wings.
Other pictures had kites flying high in the air, as well as photos of only the sky itself, with different but stunning cloud formations. And one was showing a bright, shining rainbow that glistened in front of some dark and ominous looking storm clouds.
Dad, every single photo Eric had hanging up was absolutely breathtaking! There were so many kinds of beautiful things I would discover in each one of them. It was as though every photo had their own unique story to tell.
I then decided I'd make a comment to Eric about them. So while I was still standing there at the wall, I turned to him and said, "Wow Eric! These photos are just beautiful! Where did you find them all?"
Yea, I don't even have to tell you the way he reacted. And no...he didn't even respond like he did just a few minutes earlier when I said his name. His only focus at the time was making those paper airplanes.
I was a little disappointed about it, but honestly, with Eric, feeling like I was talking to myself was becoming quite a normal thing around here.
I stayed to look at the pictures for a bit longer, until I spotted this one, single photograph in a small frame sitting on a night stand by his bed.
I went and picked it up to see that it was of the same couple who were in the photograph in the attic. But in this one, it was only the two of them, and they were posing in front of a Christmas tree. Both had big smiles on their faces and they were holding wrapped gifts in their hands. Yes....it was another photo of Eric's Mom and Dad.
I had to take another deep breath to hold back the tears as a deep and penetrating ache filled my heart.
I know Eric sees the photo every day and night. And though it's more than likely a very precious keepsake of his parents memory, I'm sure at the same time, it brings him pain.
Also placed beside the photo was a small teddy bear. It looked old and very worn. I'm thinking it was given to Eric by his parents, and it was something he had held onto and loved when he was a small boy. I can tell it was very special to him, and I'm most certain it still is.
All of a sudden, it hit me as to why I was there in Eric's room to begin with. We really should have already been on our way to school several minutes before then.
I went back to where Eric was sitting on the floor, but this time I got down on my knees so I would be at his level. And yes, he was still diligently working on making those paper airplanes.
I very lightly placed my hand on his shoulder and asked him in a quiet and gentle sounding voice, "Eric, will you come with me now? It's time to go to school."
He completely ignored me and continued folding paper.
But then a new idea came to me.
I extended my hand out in front of him to where I knew he could see it, hoping he would take it, and I calmly said these words to him. -- "Eric, everything is going to be alright. I'm your friend. I care about you. You can trust me, okay?"
And do you know what, Dad? After I said those very words to him, he stopped what he was doing, put the sheet of paper he had in his hand down, and looked up at me. And he looked straight at me -- those big brown eyes were peering directly into mine!
Oh Dad I gave him the biggest smile!! I can't tell you how happy I was knowing he was finally able to see me again!
He glanced down at my open hand, which I still had positioned in front of him. Then very slowly his hand came up, and so very gently, he slipped it into mine.
As usual, he showed no kind of facial expression whatsoever. But it was when he looked back up at me, I knew without a doubt his eyes were telling me that he now trusts me.
It was such an emotional moment between the both of us. I sincerely believe Eric had come to the realization of why I was there that morning, and he finally understood that I care about him and was wanting to help him. I believe it was trust that penetrated those thick walls he had surrounding him, and he felt safe enough to step outside of his exclusive, hidden world to meet me.
I got to my feet and explained to him again that we were going to be walking to school together. He also stood up with me, and with his hand still holding on to mine, we left his bedroom and went down the stairs.
As we approached the front door to go out, I called back to Uncle Hugo to let him know we were leaving, and that I'd have Eric back that afternoon.
He never answered me. He was still sitting there in front of the TV....with the volume turned up extremely loud, I might add.
I had to tell him once more that we were on our way to school, but I don't think he ever heard me. I wasn't sure if it was because he might've been asleep, or if he couldn't hear me over the sound of the TV, or what. However I figured he was already aware of where we were going, so I thought it was okay for us to go ahead and leave.
But when I turned back around to Eric, he was looking over at his Uncle in the chair. And Dad, there was absolute fear in his eyes. It was like he was afraid Uncle Hugo was going to jump up and come running to attack him or something. I don't exactly know what was going on, but clearly Eric was very disturbed.
I really wanted to get Eric out of there, so I opened the door and quickly led him out onto the porch and closed the door behind us.
Eric began to tense up again, so badly, he let go of my hand and started pacing nervously around the porch. I stayed close to him and talked to him for a few minutes until he finally calmed down and seemed to relax.
Although I knew he wouldn't be able to tell me anything, I still went ahead and asked him what was wrong.
The only thing he did was look up toward the sky. Both of his arms slowly lifted, and he did his familiar routine of swaying side to side.
While I was trying to figure out what I should do to help him, a sick feeling hit the pit of my stomach.
I went and stood right in front of Eric till I was facing him directly, and I asked him this serious question. -- "Eric....was Uncle Hugo scaring you this morning?"
What was bothering me Dad, was the thought of the possibility that maybe Uncle Hugo had been drinking which may have caused him to act loud and angry towards Eric. And that very well could explain the reason why Eric looked so frightened when we were passing by him.
Eric continued staring upwards, still swaying with his arms remaining out from his sides. Even though I could tell he had somewhat settled down a little, I could easily see that something was still upsetting him.
"Eric, was Uncle Hugo angry with you this morning?"
After a few seconds went by, Eric lowered his head, dropped his arms and then looked at me, his eyes again meeting with mine.
Dad, he didn't have to speak. His eyes told me everything.
I reached up and gently put my arm around him. "I'm so sorry," I said to him.
I had to really search deep within my heart to find the right words to say. At times like this, it's so hard to know what to say to someone like Eric to help him feel better. But I just had to say something. And as difficult as it was, this is what I told him....
"Eric, I know your Uncle really isn't angry with you. It's just those stupid drinks that are making him act that way."
I had to stop and close my eyes for a minute because my heart was just breaking apart for both Eric and his uncle. It was so painful for me to have to say something like that to him.
"I know deep inside Uncle Hugo loves you and cares about you very much.....but he's just not able to show it like he wants to."
After I said that, Eric looked down at the ground and slowly walked away from me and went down the front steps. I followed him, but when he got down on the sidewalk, he stopped and wouldn't go any further.
I got beside him and put my hand on his arm.
"Come on, Eric."
My heart was aching so badly till I could barely get the words out.
"Let's go on to school, okay?" I whispered.
It took a few minutes longer, but Eric finally decided to come with me, and we were then on our way to school. (1)
We met up with Louis at the end of the sidewalk, and let me tell you, he was not happy with me at all!
"What took you so long? I was waiting forever!!"
I wasn't in the mood to deal with his grumpy attitude, so I told him I would try to explain it all to him later.
"Whatever!!" he angrily grouched back at me, and took off ahead of us down the sidewalk. And as I did before on our way home, I stayed next to Eric, walking along beside him.
Shortly before we arrived at Louis's school, Eric began slowing his pace down.....slow enough till we would definitely not make it to school on time if he kept it up. I don't know why, but he would suddenly start gazing up at the trees, or a bird flying by would get his attention, -- things like that is what I think made him want to take his time. A few times I walked in front of him and had to get stern with him to try to get him to move a little faster. But instead...he came up with the idea that it was time to play the "Follow the Leader" game and was mimicking every single thing I did. While yes, it was amusing, it was also downright annoying! I guess it was because I was in such a hurry to keep going, and I honestly wasn't up to acting silly with him they way I had been.
But I kept looking back at him and would motion for him to please hurry up....and what would he do?
He would look behind him while making the exact same hand motions that I did as if he was wanting someone behind him to hurry up. Truthfully it just made him look really stupid since there was nobody in sight anywhere.
Finally, I ended up grabbing him by the wrist and almost yanking him along to get him to move a bit faster than the oh so sluggish pace he was going at.
Now Louis had been watching all the craziness happening with Eric and me, and he found it all to be absolutely hilarious! He was pointing and laughing his head off at me and all of the frustrating struggles I was having! And he wouldn't stop! In fact, he'd laugh much harder as time went on with Eric still moving at the speed of a snail, and me having to practically drag him down the sidewalk!
With Louis's continuous ridicule, I was getting extremely irritated at him. I could only hope we would get to his school soon before I might have to hurt him if he didn't stop laughing and making fun of me. (No Dad, don't worry. I would never really hurt my little brother like that. But the way he was carrying on, I was almost tempted to do just about anything to get him to shut up!)
Well it turned out to be okay, because by the time we got to the Elementary School, I had somehow managed to cheer up, and I was actually laughing with him. I mean, why not? We all certainly need to lighten up and laugh at ourselves, and not take everything so seriously all the time. And to tell you the truth, visualizing what I must have looked like trying to pull Eric along while he was wanting to copy me at the same time was just hysterical!!
Anyway, after we had finally reached Louis's school, I worried that Eric might delay us like he did before with the flag, but for some reason he didn't seem to be interested this time. And also, the kids going into the school weren't being all loud and rowdy like they were the other afternoon, thankfully. Probably it was because they were much less excited to be going TO school instead of leaving school.
After I said "good-bye" to Louis and we left, I was very relieved when Eric finally sped up to a normal walking pace. I just hoped to everything there would be nothing else to cause him to slow down again. Other than that, it was looking like we'd get to school on time after all.
The rest of the way to school was a quiet one with it being only Eric and me, (surprise, surprise.) I did talk to him some, but whether he understood all I was saying or not, it sure made me feel I was more than likely wasting my time with even trying.
When we arrived at the High School, I was quite surprised that not only did we get there on time, we actually had a little extra time to spare.
Of course going into the school didn't go too smoothly. To be honest, it was a rather unpleasant experience. Oh nothing bad happened, but there were all sorts of students around coming from their cars, or the buses which meant there was no way Eric and I were going to avoid being stared at.
And it sure didn't take very long for us to be noticed though. As a matter of fact, the moment we reached the entrance to the schoolyard, people were already turning their heads in our direction. Apparently they weren't used to seeing Eric walking to school before, especially without Mrs. Sherman by his side. But instead, I was with him -- the new girl who most everyone thinks is strange enough to begin with.
Yes, as we were going across the schoolyard to get into the building, the kids who were nearby gave us unusual glances, and several laughed and didn't care at all that they were being rude. Some of them would look, and then quickly turn away trying not to laugh, while others seemed to be utterly shocked at the sight of me and Eric coming to school together.
However I thank God there were a few people who were nice and gave us a friendly smile. And would you believe two or three people actually said "hello" to us as we went by.
But sadly, the majority of them were cruel. Not only did they laugh, they would also taunt Eric by yelling out very hurtful words at him...words so bad I can't even repeat!
Believe me Dad, I was so close to letting it all out and telling them all what I really thought about every single one of them by giving them a piece of my mind. But I fought the urge and bit my lip trying very hard to keep the frustration to myself. And as angry as I was at these kids, it was super hard to do!
As we pushed our way through the crowd, I stayed near Eric the entire way. I wasn't about to let him think I would ever abandon him. But he was definitely not enjoying what was going on, and was quite apprehensive of all the numerous eyes that were pretty much focusing only on him. I kept telling him to just ignore every one of those creeps, and I promised him I would make sure he got inside safely.
When we walked through the door into the school, the hallways didn't seem to be as crowded as it was outside. Yet there were still a few kids we passed by who would stare at us strangely, and others were sharing whispers with each other. Knowing how terrible their reactions were making me feel, I just know Eric was probably feeling much worse.
When we reached the door of Mrs. Sherman's room, I can't express to you how happy I felt when we went inside and were finally able to get some seclusion from all the bullying going on outside. There were only about four other students already in the room, but they were studying quietly and didn't seem to notice us when we came in.
I led Eric over to his usual place in the back of the room and helped him get settled. We still had a few extra minutes left before class was going to start, so I decided I would stay and sit with him for a little while longer.
Since Eric was then in his normal spot, he had calmed down fairly quickly.
I told him how sorry I was that kids can be so mean. But sadly, many older kids these days like to continue to bully and pick on others as if they were still in Elementary School. You'd think by now High School-aged kids would be a lot more mature and acting more friendly and understanding -- especially since they are getting closer to adulthood. But unfortunately there remain several who can't seem to let their cruel tendencies go for some reason. And I feel absolutely horrible that people like Eric are their prime targets.
I wanted to be sure Eric knew I would never be like any of those kids. So with much sincerity, I said to him, "I don't understand why some kids have to be so mean to you, Eric. But I want you to know that I will never be that way to you."
I couldn't tell if what I said made any sense to him or not, because the only thing he did was gaze at the ceiling and begin to slowly rock back and forth. Although he wasn't acting anxious anymore, I think all the people who had teased him that morning were still on his mind and it must have been bothering him. But I kept on trying to get through to him.
"It really breaks my heart to see all of these kids treat you this way, and not one of them will take the time to get to know you and like you. But I like you. You are a wonderful person Eric, and you're very special to me. I just wish everyone else could see you that way too."
As I expected, there was no indication that he was aware of anything I had just said, and his rocking continued on.
About that time Mrs. Sherman came over to talk to me for awhile. She wanted to know how the walk home, as well as the walk to school went.
I didn't have enough time to go into much detail, but I told her about Eric stopping to look at the flag, as well as the way he reacted that morning to Uncle Hugo.
She seemed a little shocked at the stories I was telling her, but she was also grateful that I stayed strong despite the few "hurdles" we had run into. She also spoke to Eric for a bit, and then asked me to come with her to her desk again.
When Mrs. Sherman and I were where we could talk alone, she began to explain how she has always taken Eric with her at lunchtime. She was wondering if it would be okay if I would sit with Eric at lunch from now on. But also, if this was something I didn't really want to do, then I didn't have to.
She, along with several other teachers eat their lunch in the Teacher's Lounge. And sometimes it becomes difficult for her when she has to have Eric in the Lounge with her so she can watch over him. But she thought if Eric started spending lunchtime with me, that maybe being with someone else, along with a change of scenery would be good for him.
I had to think about it for a second, but I decided, sure...why not? I've been eating lunch by myself anyway since no one else seems interested in sitting with me. So I figured taking care of Eric at lunch shouldn't be any problem.
Mrs. Sherman thanked me, and said this was a huge blessing to her.
Also, while I still had the chance to talk to her in private, I mentioned about what happened when I was walking through the schoolyard with Eric, and the way most of the kids were being very mean to both of us. I also brought up how cruel they acted towards him the first day I saw him in gym class. I asked her if these kids have always been mean to him like this.
Sadly, it didn't surprise me at all when she told me that many of them began bullying Eric really badly not long after the first day he came here. And it's not only at Eric. There are a large number of kids here who will harass anybody that might look or act differently than them. For some odd reason, kids find enjoyment in seeing other kids get hurt. Especially those who aren't able to defend themselves.
Mrs. Sherman wasn't exactly sure why they act this way. But she believes it's possible that the reason they are mean to Eric is because they can't understand his condition, as well as his unusual behavior. She also thinks that the ones who bully could have deep inner problems themselves that they can't handle, so they pick on others to help them feel better. Probably they feel viewing someone else who is hurting will make their problems seem much less.
It's truly heartbreaking knowing so many people in this world are hurting. But it doesn't give them any excuse to go and harm someone else because of it.
I also asked Mrs. Sherman if there has ever been anyone who has at least tried to be a friend to Eric before I moved here.
Well it turns out there were only a few students who have tried to help, but it was mainly during gym class. Unfortunately they would always give up on him after only a few short minutes. Most of the time they didn't even want to be anywhere near him. To them, they only see him as someone who is mentally ill. And what's even worse, there are several who are actually afraid of Eric because they think they'll catch something from him -- like some kind of disease if they get too close to him.
I had a very hard time believing that, Dad. But Mrs. Sherman said as sad as it was, it was true.
Seriously, I thought it was completely ridiculous that people would even consider that a possibility. It made me furious to be honest. What on earth is wrong with people these days? To tell you the truth, all it did was make me want to be Eric's friend more than ever now! I would never, ever treat Eric, or anyone else that way!
However, I feel horrible to have to say this....but I remembered the way I felt about Eric when I saw him for the first time the day we moved in. Though I didn't do anything to actually hurt him, I thought mean things about him. I really didn't like how oddly he acted with the way he sat on his windowsill. I remember all I wanted was for him to go away! And it made me feel that I was just as guilty of being mean to someone as these kids are being.
But I believe my heart has completely changed towards him now, and all of that is in the past. So I quickly pushed those negative thoughts aside and I refuse to pick them back up ever again.
It was then almost time for class to start, so I didn't have as much time as I would've liked to talk to Mrs. Sherman for a bit longer. But other than during classes, I knew she would usually be available to help me in any way if I needed her.
Meanwhile, during the morning hours in class, Mrs. Sherman let us have about an hour to work on an assignment, or we could study if we wanted to. But she gave me permission to use that time to go and sit with Eric....which I guess would be the actual beginning of my first day of working with him. So.....I came up with this great idea to show him a book and read it to him.
Now this was just a regular textbook we use in class. Since he seems to enjoy copying me so often, I thought it would be a good way to teach him some things by reading some of the chapters to him. But.... it didn't go as well as I had hoped. Since he's never learned to read, I thought I would point to each word as I read the word out loud, and maybe he would somehow catch on.
Wrong!! It didn't do a bit of good.
All he would do was copy me by pointing along with me. I'm one-hundred percent sure he had absolutely no clue what he was even doing or pointing at. I tried to stop him by holding his hand down...but that didn't work either. And this time, his copying wasn't funny to me. Personally, it was just plain aggravating because I wasn't getting anywhere with trying to teach him anything.
After about ten-minutes of this going on, I decided to scrap the idea of reading to him. I mean, he really didn't understand. He wasn't seeing the words, or even the book. All he was seeing was me.
Suddenly, I remembered those magazine pictures he had hanging up on his bedroom wall. I thought if I could find a book with those similar kind of photos, maybe it would help get things going.
But as I searched around the room and through all the bookshelves, I couldn't really find any kind of book that would work. So I went and asked Mrs. Sherman for help.
She suggested for me to look through some of her encyclopedias she had stacked in a corner in the back of the room. What a great idea! I figured I would surely find some nice photos in those!
So I went and picked out a few from the stack and hurriedly browsed through several of them. And luckily I found a few photos of airplanes and birds, and some others I thought he would like. The only downside was that the encyclopedias Mrs. Sherman had were fairly old, and most all of the pictures in them were black and white and not very big in size. But I hoped it wouldn't make any difference to Eric, and he would enjoy them anyway.
I carried some of the books back to him, and excitedly flipped through the pages showing him a few.
Well...he took a very brief glance at one or two photos before he quickly lost all interest. And he also lost interest in copying me, if you could believe that! He was putting those walls up around him again and returning back inside to hide in his silent, secret world.
Yes Dad, I tried everything I could think of to get his attention back on the photos again, but he ignored me. Even trying to get him to just look at me didn't do any good. Instead, he lifted both of his arms, and began to sway from side to side while holding a steady gaze at the wall. His eyes glazed over and they became empty and blank once more.
I had lost him. There was nothing more I could do. And since our free hour would soon be coming to an end, I just got up and went back to my desk. I thought it would be best not to bother him anymore until I would be having lunch with him.
Mrs. Sherman had seen me going back to my seat, and she must have realized I hadn't been too successful. She smiled along with a nod of her head as if she was telling me that it was okay, and to keep on trying. I guess that's all I can do really, just keep on trying.
Mainly, I was needing to get my mind off of Eric for awhile, so I got out my English book to study for a test that was coming up. But it was too hard to concentrate. You know, if there was a way to fast-forward to the end of the day, believe me I would've done so in a heartbeat!!
Well I think the fast-forward worked after all....but unfortunately not like I had wanted it to. Because before I even knew it, the rest of the morning classes had flown by, and the loud, shrilling sound of the bell rang indicating it was time for lunch.
I stayed in my seat to wait till the rest of the class left the room before I would make my second attempt with Eric. Thinking about what happened earlier with the book, I had absolutely no idea of what having lunch with him was going to be like. Of course I wasn't planning on using that time to actually teach him anything. But I was wanting to have the chance to spend more time with him so I could get him more used to me being with him as a friend, and not just someone who was only going to work with him.
Anyway, once the last few students of the class had gone, I took my lunch out of my bookbag and went to get Eric ready to go.
The way the lunch system works here for people like Eric, is when a parent or guardian who may not be able to fix and bag up their child's lunch, for whatever reason, or if they can't afford to buy lunch in the cafeteria, a lunch will be made available for them. If you remember Dad, my old school back home did that.
Since Mrs. Sherman knew I was going to be with Eric, she had been to the cafeteria to get his lunch for him. So she came over to hand the bag to me, as well as ask me if I needed any help. (2)
I said it was okay and that she could go on, and Eric and I would be fine. She thanked me again and told Eric and me to have a nice lunch together.
My reply to her...."I sure hope so!"
Now Dad, the only thing different about lunchtime here at Taft than at my old school is -- here they will allow anyone who wants, to eat outside rather than in the cafeteria. It works out great because this cafeteria is kind of small, and it gets extremely crowded when everyone is crammed in there all at once. It's really nice. I've been eating outside almost every day since I started going here. Except for days when it was raining, of course. Then I (and everyone else) had no choice but to go to the cafeteria.
But by lunchtime, the sun was back out, and it was a beautiful day to spend outside. So....that's where Eric and I would be going.
However, as far as I know, Eric has never been outside during lunch before since he was always with Mrs. Sherman in the Teacher's Lounge. And that made me kind of nervous at having to tell him that he was going to be doing something different from the regular routine he was used to.
But...when I told him it was time for lunch and that he and I would be eating together, I was absolutely astounded when he got up from his chair on his own, and actually came with me out of the classroom. I almost couldn't believe it! It was a big relief. And I thought that so far, things were starting out pretty well. To have him get up and come with me with no hesitation was definitely a step in the right direction. At least I thought it was.
Yet the second we stepped into the hallway, Eric began to go off by himself. I'm sure he was heading to the Teacher's Lounge since that has been a daily habit of his during lunchtime. But I immediately stopped him and made it clear to him once again that we were going to go outside that afternoon.
Many of the other kids were already outside, so I tried to guide him in the direction of the door....but he didn't want to go.
At first he acted very confused. And I guess I can't blame him. I know how difficult it is for people like him to understand when things have to change. And to him, even very small changes can seem like huge and frightening challenges for him to face. The tension in his body was evident, and he was becoming very anxious again. Apparently he didn't know what he was supposed to do.
But I didn't rush him, (although you'd better believe I felt like it!) Since it was lunchtime, I had a little more time to work with getting him to do what I was wanting him to do.
I then tried to comfort him and cheer him up by giving him encouraging words like, "Eric, it's such a beautiful day today! Let's go and have our lunch outside this time. I know you enjoy being outside, right?"
And once I said that, his eyes turned toward the door.
"I'll be with you the whole time, okay? I won't let anyone hurt you, I promise."
It took him a few more minutes, but he finally was willing to come with me, and we were able to go out the door with no problem.
I found a nice place in the middle of the schoolyard where we wouldn't be too close to where anyone else was sitting, and had Eric sit down in the grass. I handed him the bag with his lunch and I sat down beside him.
We had about twenty-minutes left before we had to go back inside for our afternoon classes. So while we were eating, I tried again to come up with things to talk to Eric about. And as you know, it is not easy to have a normal and friendly kind of chat when I'm the only one doing all the talking. (You know, maybe I should get Geneva to talk to him since she loves to talk, more than she listens...Ha ha! I'm sure Eric would love that!!)
But I talked to him about the weather, and schoolwork, as well as a crazy movie I saw recently. I even made a comment about the sandwich he was eating, telling him I thought it looked good. (Whatever kind it was -- I don't know since he wouldn't tell me.)
He wouldn't look at me too much though. For most of the time he stared straight ahead. But the few times he did look at me was when he would play his silly copycat game and would imitate the way I was eating.
And get this, Dad. I had an orange and was just sitting there like normal, peeling the outer part of it off. And guess what Eric did! -- He was copying the exact way I was using my hands to peel it....except he was trying it with an apple! Yes an apple!! Sadly he wasn't getting too much of anywhere with it, though. I tried to tell him...."Eric you can't peel an apple with just your hands!"
But he kept trying anyway.
He never caught on, and I couldn't get through to him, so I just let him keep on working at it.
As we sat there, I often found myself glancing around the schoolyard at the other students and watching them as they were having a great time with their friends. A lot of them were joking and laughing with each other, enjoying each other's company. But with Eric and me, it wasn't anything like that. He and I weren't enjoying talking to each other. We weren't joking and laughing. We weren't doing hardly anything close friends would usually do when they get together.
Many memories came back to me that day. I started thinking about my old school, and how lunchtime was something I always looked forward to because I could be with a bunch of my friends. Though we didn't eat outside, it was still a time where we could take a nice break from doing boring classwork and have a chance to talk and have fun with all of my best buddies. We'd chat about all sorts of things and have a good time with each other as friends.
And as I was sitting with Eric, (who was supposed to be my friend,) I started wondering how all my old friends back home were doing. It was lunchtime for them too. But were they even thinking about me? Did any of them miss me?
I began to realize that ever since we've moved here, I've barely heard from any of them, whether it was a phone call, or a letter. A few of them I haven't heard a thing from at all. Surely they haven't forgotten about me. I do understand that the ones who call can't talk for very long because it's long distance. The same reason goes when I call them. I sent out a few postcards, but not everyone writes me back.
Dad, this scares me thinking that they no longer care that I'm not with them anymore. Could there be truth to the saying, "out of sight, out of mind?"
Suddenly, all of those memories caused me to have this intense longing to go back home. Back to where my life was nothing but perfect. The place where I felt accepted and loved, and the place where I felt I really belonged. Where everyone around me wasn't a stranger all the time. And most of all, I just want to go back to when we all were with you, Dad. As time goes on, it's like my old life is drifting farther and farther away. And it's a life I know I can't ever return to. It's something I'm never going to get back. There's also some things from back home that's getting harder for me to even remember....like so many things I've loved are fading away. And I can't understand why. It's really frightening me Dad.
I really didn't want to dwell on those things anymore because it hurt too much. So I tried to get my mind onto something else.
I turned my attention back to Eric who had finally quit working at peeling that stupid apple, and was then staring away at nothing else but the top of the school building. His blank expression had returned, and I was left sitting there feeling very rejected and alone.
I didn't know why this was happening. Why was I feeling so miserable and not as excited about working with Eric as I first was? Was I losing the faith that God was at work in this situation? If God is in charge over my life, and I've made that choice to follow Him, then how come I'm so discouraged about it now? Why is the longing to be back home with my friends so much greater than the desire to be Eric's friend?
I know the desire is still there, somewhere deep within my heart, but it doesn't seem to be as strong as it first was. And the doubts that have tried to return are more numerous now.
But those thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the ringing of the bell, announcing to us that lunchtime was over. All the students were hurriedly scrambling around, grabbing up their belongings and heading back into the school building. I closed up my lunch bag and stood up while telling Eric that lunch was over and it was time to go back to the classroom. Thankfully it didn't take him long to decide to come with me although we were the last ones go back into the school.
Back in Mrs. Sherman's room, I tried very hard to forget about those upsetting thoughts and kept telling myself that surely things were going to get better. Because in about two-hours, it would be time to go to the gym....which meant I would be getting together with Eric one more time before we would go home for the day.
I tried my best to pay attention to Mrs. Sherman's lessons, but it wasn't easy. I was tired and still discouraged about so many things that day, and all I wanted do was start my day...or even my life all over again. However I knew that was impossible of course.
Well, time decided to be nice to me, because the next thing I knew, those two-hours were long gone, and there we were on our way to the gym. Personally, I wasn't too excited about going there, but it was a lot better than sitting in that dark and stuffy classroom.
As I wearily walked down the hallway with Eric in tow, I ended up making another request to God. Yes I felt bad that I had been asking for God's help several times already, but here I was again, praying a fast and silent prayer, asking God to please continue to be with me for whatever was going to be happening within the next few minutes. Because I seriously needed His help more than ever. But I also wanted to thank God for guiding me with Eric in showing me what I should do. Because way deep inside I knew that all I had done so far with Eric was still being done according to God's plan, although it was looking like nothing much was happening just yet. I kept trying to keep my hopes up and think positively that gym class would actually be successful this time. It just had to go better than this morning and at lunch!
I went and found a spot on the gym floor where we wouldn't be in the way of the other kids playing games around us.
I decided I would try again with the volleyball, believing if I showed him what to do, he would understand.
So he and I sat on the floor facing one another.
First I rolled the ball towards him, but then stopped it and pulled it back to me to show him how to catch it with his hands. After repeating it several more times, I explained that I was going to roll the ball to him and for him to get ready to catch it.
So, there I was, pushing the volleyball to him...and can you guess what happened?
He imitated me rolling the ball!!! It was unreal! He never even looked at the ball at all!
Yes it was very frustrating! So very frustrating!
You see, in this case of catching a ball, which naturally comes easy for a two or three-year old child to do, is really difficult for Eric to do, for some reason.
Next, I very carefully threw the ball to him, in hopes that when he would see it coming in the air towards him, he'd reach out and catch it.....but it just landed in his lap. Although he did look down at it as if he was thinking to himself, "What the heck is this thing doing in my lap?"
Clearly he wasn't getting it at all, and he had no interest whatsoever in that stupid volleyball!
It was when he started yawning, I realized I should just give up on him for the day. Nothing I was doing was working, and I was quickly losing my patience. Truthfully I wouldn't be surprised if he was actually bored to death with me.
So I had him get back up off the floor, and we went and sat on the bleachers to wait for the rest of the gym class to end.
I think I was correct about Eric being bored since it really became quite dull after that. And I believe his yawn was contagious. Because all of a sudden I noticed that I myself had been just yawning away from being absolutely bored out of my mind -- to which Eric watched closely and then mimicked the very same way I yawned.
Yes Dad, that's Eric Gibb for ya! (3)
However, the boredom didn't end up lasting too long, because thankfully, Mrs. D'Gregario, the gym teacher, came over and sat down beside me to find out how I was doing. She told me how proud she was of me to be willing to take the time to try to help Eric like I was.
I kind of laughed at her remark and said that yes, I was definitely trying very hard to help him, but wasn't doing a very good job at it. I made mention about how I was going to be working with Eric in other areas now, (besides gym) and this was only my first day. I also brought up the crazy fact about the way he often likes to copy everything I do.
When she heard that, she laughed out loud and said how he certainly is a mysterious character.
She and I talked for a few minutes more until she had to get back to coaching the gym class. But before she left, she told me to hang in there and stay strong. And that sometimes the things we strive toward the most finally do come to pass, but it can often take time.
And was she ever right about that! Though I was so greatly wanting things to improve quickly the moment I first started working with Eric, I knew I had to remain patient, and remember that with people like Eric, things were most likely not going to completely change overnight.
But Dad, I have to tell you...the unkindness and disrespect coming from many of the students continued to go on for almost the entire gym period. In fact, there was hardly any time when someone wasn't watching Eric and me with amusement, or giving us awkward glances while exchanging whispers and giggles between themselves.
Instead of viewing what I was doing in a positive light as someone who is trying to be a friend in helping Eric, they reacted as if I was the main character of a stupid comedy show for them to watch and be entertained. And I am in no way putting on a show for anybody! I just wish they'd leave us alone and mind their own business! Why can't they focus their attention on something else for once?
And yes, some kids were the same way earlier that morning when I was sitting with Eric in the classroom, and they also teased us when we were eating lunch. And if that wasn't enough, when Eric and I were sitting on the bleachers, a few had to go and throw some extremely offensive words at us. If you are wondering, those kinds of words hurt very very deeply, and it got to a point where ignoring their insults became impossible to do.
Dad, I don't know what I'm going to do if it's going to be this way all the time.
After gym class ended, we had one more hour of school left in the afternoon before it would be time to leave. And you can believe I wanted to bolt out of there the very second the final bell rang!
Well regardless of the unsuccessful day I'd just had, there was one bright spot that afternoon....and that was the walk home went pretty well. Eric did play his silly copying game with me for part of the way, but honestly, I was so exhausted at the time, I didn't let it bother me too much. But Louis sure had a splendid time at getting to watch us again though.
When we made it back to Eric's house, I thought I would go with him up to the door, say "hello" to Uncle Hugo, and see if he's alright.
I opened the door and both of us went inside. I stayed there at the door and took a quick look around, but I couldn't see Uncle Hugo anywhere. The TV he was watching that morning was still on, but the volume had been turned down low.
I called out his name and waited.
Nothing.
So I called once again asking if he could hear me, and I let him know that Eric and I were back from school. -- Still there was no answer.
Although I kind of wanted to, I didn't think it would be very nice of me if I went through the house to look for him. But I knew he had to be there somewhere....probably upstairs in his room asleep.
Eric seemed to be acting okay, so I felt confident enough that he would be fine and I could go on back to my house. I could've stayed with him for a few minutes, but I felt I needed to be home to take care of Louis and get dinner started before Mom got home from work.
So I said "good-bye" to Eric and told him I would see him again bright and early the next morning.
I don't know if Eric went up to his room after I left or what, but I was so tired, all I wanted to do was go into my room and collapse onto my bed for a little while, and then I would go and start cooking. And that's just what I did! Louis was downstairs playing his video games, so I knew I could leave him alone for awhile. Oh it felt SO good to be able to lie down and close my eyes for several minutes. And as tired as I was, I'm sure I had dozed off for a bit.
Later that night after we finished eating dinner, I was still pretty worn out from the long day, so I felt like going to bed early for once.
I told Mom and Louis "good-night" and came right back up to my room so I could finish my homework and get some much needed rest.
I could barely keep my eyes open, but I somehow managed to finish all of my homework, and was happy I could finally crawl into my nice, warm bed and drift off to dreamland.
However, as I was getting the bed ready, I happened to look out the window to see Eric once again, sitting on his windowsill. His arms were raised, and like always, he was gently swaying from side to side as he gazed up into the starry night above him.
And the next thing I knew, I had stopped what I had been doing and was sitting on the side of my bed just watching him.
I tried so hard to figure out what it is that makes him extend his arms out like that. What could it mean? This is something he does quite often, so there must be a reason behind it.
Maybe he's watching something up there in the sky....something that I can't see. Or maybe it's his way of pretending he can fly like Mrs. Sherman has said.
But Dad, there is also something very special about watching Eric when he does these things. I've noticed there will be certain times, like tonight for example, where something happens inside of me when I see him on his windowsill. It's like a sense of stillness....like this sweet peace that just comes over me, as well as a feeling of pure joy that floods my whole being. I feel so happy....and free! And for a brief moment, it's as if all my problems and worries dissipate into nothing.
I'm not sure why I feel this way. But whatever is causing it, it only makes me want to keep watching Eric even more. And I ask myself....could this also be something God is doing to show ME something? If so, I really hope it's revealed to me soon.
Several minutes later, my attention still remained totally focused on Eric, just watching with wonder at him sitting there, gently swaying in the breeze....until my eyes began to get very heavy and slowly started to close.
I laid my head down on the pillow. And as I felt myself drifting off to sleep, I quietly prayed one last, short prayer.....
"God,
Please help me understand Eric. I really want to get to know him, and see him how YOU see him. Please God, show me....show me who Eric really is....."
And then I must have fallen asleep. Because I can't remember anything at all after that.
Well Dad, I've been writing you for nearly an hour now, and I need to close this letter and go get ready for school.
I desperately want today to be better with Eric than it was yesterday. I'm still trying to stay positive, and do all I can when I'm with him, but wow! It's only been one day and I can already tell this is not going to be an easy task for me. How on earth did Mrs. Sherman do it for so long?
One thing I am certain of is, God DOES know what He's doing. And sometimes His timing is not what we would think our timing should be, you know? I just wish being patient was as simple as it sounds.
Well, I have to run for now, Dad. I can hear Louis wandering around in his room, and Mom got up not too long ago. And even Penny is chirping loudly and flapping around in her cage demanding my attention, so I should get going also. (4)
Oh and Dad, one more thing. I'm still a little concerned about Mom. She continues to come home late from work almost every single night, and although she seems to be okay, it's obvious she's really exhausted. I can see the frustration and sometimes even fear lingering in her eyes.
I know she's trying to remain strong for me and Louis, and the last thing she would want is for us to worry about her. But I don't think work has gotten much easier for her yet. She's staying up fairly late every night studying those computer books and not getting enough rest. So that proves she must be still having a difficult time learning everything.
Oh how I wish there was some way I could make things easier for her and help her learn and understand it all, but I can't. And it makes me feel so helpless. I hate it!
Most of all, she's still suffering so much pain from losing you, Dad. I can see the heartache and pain piercing her soul and it's holding her back. And she doesn't know how to let it go. She is really needing you to be there by her side, to support her and love her right now.
I haven't stopped praying for her though. For now it's the most important thing that I can do. I love her so much and God does too...but does she even realize that? Does she know God is always there for her? I'm not sure she even prays anymore, Dad. I mean, after you died, it's like she's forgotten about God, forgotten that He is always there with His arms outstretched, waiting for her to reach out and go to Him. And I feel the same goes for Louis as well. It's killing me to see them this way.
Anyway, I'm sad this letter has to come to an end, but it's quickly getting late so I really do need to go and get ready for the day.
And I also should tell you, because I was so tired last night, I might not be able to write you every day like I have been. Now that so much of my time is being spent with Eric, I'll probably be working with him after school for some days, and then I almost always have homework to do. And of course fixing dinner and doing chores around the house when Mom is at work.
But I promise, with all my heart, I will write to you as often as I can, okay? You can count on that!
So, until my next letter, (which I hope will have much better news to tell,)....I'll talk to you then.
Always remember you mean so very much to me, Daddy!! And I will never ever stop telling you how much I dearly love you!! --
Milly
FOOTNOTES BY LYNN MCFALL:
(1)During this part of the movie is when Milly starts reading out loud from her journal. As the scenes play, you hear Milly doing the voice-over. Most importantly, this is when we find out Mrs. Sherman suggested she keep a journal as she worked with Eric. Well as you may have noticed, nothing in this chapter indicates this. So of course I left that little part out. No need for her to keep two journals, right? :0) And with the way I'm writing this story, leaving that part out shouldn't really be a problem, I don't think.
The real scene in the movie starts with showing Milly and Eric walking away from Eric's house as if she went to get him so they could walk to school. I was wondering what it would be like when Milly went over there that morning and she had to face Uncle Hugo again. Also I wondered what Eric may have been doing when Milly went in to tell him it was time to go to school.
In the movie, you can only see one small portion of Eric's bedroom. I decided to add the part with him having pictures that he liked up on his wall as well as another photo of his parents. I also wanted there to be something there that was special to Eric that he kept since he was a small child -- the teddy bear. Otherwise, you don't get to see much of what his room looks like when you watch the movie.
There are also a lot more things I added in this chapter that weren't in the movie, but there's really no need to mention them all. :0)
(2) I wasn't sure how Eric got his lunch since I didn't know if Uncle Hugo would be able to fix it for him. And as you see in the scene of Milly and Eric leaving his house, there isn't anything in his hand, unless I missed it, or Milly had it, or something. So I came up with the idea that the school could have a special program to have lunches available for kids who aren't able to bring lunches from home, or they can't buy them in the cafeteria.
(3) I wanted to change this scene with the yawning between them just a little. (Mainly because it was a whole lot easier for me to write it this way.) In the movie, the scene actually goes like this: --- Eric and Milly are sitting on the gym floor facing each other. Milly rolls the volleyball to him and he imitates the way she rolls the ball. Then you see Eric yawn first, then Milly yawns, then Eric copies the way she yawns. Yep! That's how the real scene went. But I changed it so I could add them doing a few more things with the volleyball which led to them sitting on the bleachers being bored. Heh heh!
(4) Because I constantly (and I stress constantly) keep forgetting Milly has a pet bird in her room, I felt I should make a little mention of it here. I'm not sure what it is that makes me forget the poor bird exists. I guess because in the movie it's not shown very often and it also doesn't add very much to the plot or something, I don't know. But I keep forgetting about it almost all the time! My bad! I should be punished! ;0)
Now on to the next chapter!!!
If you want to get in contact with me for anything, E-mail Me: [email protected]
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