In the Cards

This poem is intended to read as a short story, but I felt it looked best-at least for now-in stanzas.

It must have been a long game of poker,

and I guess your wrists got tired, or something.

But through the cigarette smoke and dim yellow light,

I caught a glimpse of the first two cards in your deck.

 

“The ace of spades and the two of hearts,” I say out loud,

Forgetting for a moment who I am, the strangers sitting around us.

“Because you keep your love for me buried in your heart?”

I ask with a laugh.

 

You snap your cards back up, and glare at me with moist eyes and red cheeks.

You blinked hard three times,

and the strangers subtly scoffed, before the conversations

resumed.

 

I don’t know what I thought would happen,

I’m not even really sure what I meant.

Maybe that it’s buried like a plant,

and I want it to grow?

 

I do; I mean I want our love to grow

into something more than what it is.

I know that’s not up to me

but a man can dream, can’t he?

 

Perhaps the sudden flush of blood to your cheeks

meant something more than anger?

Reviews

[Lost in Wonderland]

Interesting and vibrant piece. I'd take out the second to last stanza-- we understand is love through the imagery and things unsaid. Well done!

[Lovecraft]

It's pretty good, although slightly vague in terms of the structure. Maybe you should attempt it in the mode of a short story like you thought? It would likely be easier to follow.

Still, I enjoyed it relatively well. I would have excluded the dialogue, but that's just me.

[j.a. mills]

Yeah it's been through a couple forms, and it needs editing. As a poem I liked that it helped me keep it linear. My main concern with making it into a short story is that it would likely be a very very short, short story. I'm not sure how much more I could work out of this. I may try again as a prose poem and see what happens.

[Lovecraft]

Hey, I think this could make a good very short story, even just one page or a little less. Try to write a draft of it as a story, post it and i'll review it. ;)