untitled. 4/10/12

untitled. 4/10/12

-------------------------------------

 

i  want to be lieve in the overflow you

    offer me. would you mind if this

                      captured light was released

                      gradually    because i 

                        celebrate you.

 

i want to gossip about forever

     against the part of your back that is

  mine.

 

we could hear two voices and we could

    be them  and  the earth slants so

   yellow and she loves that he is a language

      and let the salt of it bristle;

      tongued,   concave gentle and shedding

      skin and    wishing     and     what

it   is  that   we   love   that   we   are   doing.

 

when the hum rises and remakes astrology

   i will sing between your singing and

   name this with me; i will pretend i am a

   hunter and you pretend to be

      the forest he knows.

Reviews

[Gerald Parker]

'the forest I know' - would be better. A modern layout...I can't see that the way you have set your poem out aids meaning or understanding. 'Concave gentle' should be 'concave, gentle.' After getting past the obstacle of what on earth does 'overflow' mean here - find a better word, this became a pleasant celebration. We will make make what we want of 'when the hum rises and remakes astrology' - this is either poetry or write-it-and-hope for the best. I don't review nicely, life's getting shorter by the day.

[mikl paul]

it's alright. i read your writing, i would like to be as far from that as possible. thank you.

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

This is a very modern piece...I could see it doing well in a spoken word forum. I especially like the third stanza. "tongued, concave gentle and shedding"--is a great line. You paint a picture with this one, and I enjoy the way that you wrapped it all up in the end. It's a tough thing to paint a picture with words, and that you have done quite well. Look forward to seeing (and perhaps hearing) more!

[mikl paul]

If you come Sunday I'll give you a book!

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

I'm going to try and make it for sure! Some family obligations earlier in the day, but should be finished by the time is starts.

[mikl paul]

Same here. Mothers birthday!

[saratogaparty]

"i want to gossip about forever"

Perfect.

I love it.
It's beautiful.

[mikl paul]

thank you my friend!

[barton smock]

like that the two become a third. or, the introduction of a third. comments aside, it is best for the hope. (also, saw your book available. when money gets in the account.)

[mikl paul]

thank you sir.

[Ohhhwillow]

I really appreciate the atmosphere you create with the structure presented by each stanza, there is an ambiguity surrounding your work that is enthralling, as it remains a chime in the distance - audible though hidden to some extent by the distance always present between writer and reader. Nice job

[mikl paul]

goodness i would print your reviews. :) thank you.

[eglantine]

a very interwoven piece. Lovely, especially, "against the part of your back that is / mine."

[mikl paul]

thank you!

[Michael Kevin Spencer]

I like the lyrical cadence and odd scattered presentation in this, I found that alone quite powerful and romantic! The phrasing is imaginative and unpredictable to be highly readable.

[mikl paul]

thank you!

[John Destalo]

What I really like about your work is that there seems to be an acceptance and understanding that as humans we are the same and we are different and in both cases it is fine. Love the second stanza and the ending!

[mikl paul]

yeah, the ending, i love that part also. thanks for reading john.

[Jack...]

Imgaes of different paths laced with beliefs comes to me as I read this. I vast collection of thoughts, dreams, hopes and desires all captured in a neat little package. Nice.

[mikl paul]

thank you jack.