Drs. Rx Us

Drs. Rx Us

A walk-in clinic waiting room.

DALE (30’s) and ELLEN (40’s) enter. Dale wears a suit. He holds the door for Ellen, whose right arm is heavily

bandaged in a cast from the fingertips to above her elbow. She is haggard and wears blue jeans and a flannel shirt

with long stringy hair. In very bad shape but very animated.

ELLEN Oh, Please. Let me go first. I really need help! Oh, you’re just a salesman. Got any free samples,

there? I need some drugs bad. (Calls over the counter) HELLO! I need some painkillers bad.

(to Dale) What do you sell?

Dale signs in and sits down.

DALE Advertising.

ELLEN Don’t need any of that. I need drugs. I left the rest of my scrips in the car with my husband, but

I’m out of painkillers. Hope nothing happens to ‘em. Last time the dog ate a whole bottle of

Zanax and he OD’d. It was like 23 pills or something like that. Had to have his stomach pumped.

Ever see ‘em pump the stomach on a Bull Mastiff? That’s what we got, a Bull Mastiff. You

know what those are?

DALE I’m no...

ELLEN They’re huge dogs with fangs like that. They live in the bush in Africa and they use them for

hunting. A Bull Mastiff can take down a lion.

DALE Really?

ELLEN Oh, yeah! They’re nothing but muscle. They get up to 250 pounds. Ours is just a small one. He

weighs 180. So when he overdosed we had to drag him by his collar to the vet. Drag him from

the car anyway. How do you pick up a 180 pound dog? But we got him there, inside and they

worked on him right there on the floor and he just got up like nothing happened. Happy and

healthy. No problem. You know 23 Zanax could kill just about anything, but not that dog.

DALE Did he bite you?

ELLEN No. He’s a sweetheart. But he did do this to me. See, he pulled my wrist away from the bone and

ripped some arteries and at the same time it pulled my elbow apart. You know how there’s a

socket there? It came right out of there. And because he separated the bones in my arm all the

bones and the cartilage turned into like sand or sawdust like, you know that consistency? And so,

now the worst case scenario is that I’m going to lose these two fingers, best case is I might get to

be able to write again. But it was my fault really, he didn’t mean to do it. You know how when

you’re walking a high-strung animal...do you have any pets?

DALE Cats.

ELLEN All they do is scratch. Well, anyway, you know how you’re not supposed to wrap the leash

around your wrist, just in case the dog takes off? Well, stupid me, I wasn’t thinking and I was

trying to get the key in the door at the apartment while I have the leash wrapped around my wrist.

I’ve got a bag full of groceries and this squirrel comes right under my feet and jumps off the porch

and the dog just goes right after it. And that’s why you’re not supposed to chain yourself to a dog

that’s bigger than you are. He pulled me into the banister and he’s hanging off the edge of the

porch just like strangling in his leash and my arm is wedged in the banister, but look at me, I’m

small. I’m 110 pounds! I could feel my arm just stretching and I could hear it rip, and the dogs

collar just won’t break, it’s a really good one. So he’s swinging off the porch like a foot above the

ground and just pulling me through the railing. And I was in so much pain, I couldn’t even

scream, I was like frozen, like horrified. And I could hear the dog strangling. So luckily the porch

is like this old rotted out wood and it was just a second and the railing just broke and I fell through

and landed on the dog. So now I just need some more painkillers. (Calls behind counter) Is

anybody back there?

Nurse KELLY (30’s) arrives at the counter.

KELLY Hi, Ellen. How are you feeling today?

ELLEN Oh, I am just dying! I need another scrip. This thing is killing me. You don’t have a shot or

something I could get do you?

KELLY Oh, sorry, hon. But what do you want? The same thing you got last time?

ELLEN Yeah, they work. As soon as you can. Fred’s waiting out in the car with the dog.

KELLY He knows not to bring the dog in here again, right?

ELLEN Yeah he knows. Trust me. If I had any money I’d sue myself.

DR. JAMES (30-40’s) appears behind the counter and engages in quiet conversation with Ellen.

KELLY (reads from clipboard) Dale Fout?

DALE Here.

KELLY Okay, come over here. Have you been here before Dale?

He slinks up to the counter.

DALE No.

KELLY And what are you here to see the doctor about?

DALE Well, it’s...uh...I...can I just talk to the doctor about it.

KELLY Sure. As soon as you tell me what it is.

DALE I don’t want to talk to a nurse about it. I want to talk to a doctor.

KELLY Do you have a family physician?

DALE No.

KELLY Then I guess you’re going to have to tell me what you need to see our doctor about because it’s

my job to find out if you really need a doctor if you don’t already have one. We can’t be wasting

the doctor’s time. He is very busy. He may have an operation to get to or a golf tournament that

you could be delaying him from. So what is your problem?

DALE (whispers) I have...an itch.

KELLY What kind of an itch?

DALE What kind?

KELLY Yeah, what kind? Is it tingly and rashy or does it feel kind of fuzzy and just under the skin?

DALE I don’t know. It’s -

KELLY Dry and chapped?

DALE Yeah, I guess.

KELLY Are you bleeding?

DALE NO!

KELLY Have you tried applying anything to the rash, such as creams or ointments?

DALE Just ice.

KELLY So it’s a burning sensation?

DALE YES!

KELLY Is this rash in your pants?

DALE (Embarrassed) Yes.

KELLY Do you wear underwear?

DALE YES!

KELLY Do you wear clean underwear?

DALE Yes!

KELLY Sounds like jock itch.

DALE Can I just please see a doctor?

KELLY Okay! Just have a seat. Someone will be right with you.

Dale sits. Kelly goes to talk with Dr. James. Ellen goes to leave.

ELLEN Thanks, Dr. James. Thank you so much. Well, I guess I’m just going to have to take it easy.

Ellen walks to door, leans on it, opening part way.

ELLEN If Goliath didn’t tear down the fence we could keep him in the yard. But I sure hope I don’t lose

these fingers, sure would hate to lose them. Fred takes him for walks now.

Car horn blows.

ELLEN (out door) SHUT UP! I’M TALKING WITH PEOPLE! (back inside) He is such a moron. Well

the dog is still standing, so I guess he’s not high on anything. Will this scrip last until my next

surgery then?

DR. JAMES It should.

ELLEN Good. I can’t take the pain. It just pulses all the time. (Looks out door) FRED! Don’t let him
stick his head out the window! He’s chewing on the side view mirror! Hey I gotta go! See y’all.

Thanks for the meds. Hey, man! Good luck with your jock itch!

Dr. James exits behind counter. Ellen exits. A moment after the door hinge closes all the way, Nurse SHERI (40’s)

rises straight up from behind the counter. Kelly does not react to this, she writes on a chart. SHERI looks toward

the glass door.

SHERI Is she gone?

KELLY Yes, she’s gone.

SHERI God! If I have to hear that story one more time about how she fell through the railing...

Enter Nurse NANCY (50’s), through the front door. She is cheerful and bright, always.

NANCY Good Morning!

SHERI Hey beautiful, let’s see those nails.

Nancy strikes a pose.

NANCY I am just the sexiest!

SHERI Yes, you are. Oh! They put little sparkle on the ends! That’s so pretty.

Enter CHUCK (50’s+), a dirty and decrepit fellow. He walks right up to the counter to sign in.

SHERI Hi Chuck. How are you feeling?

CHUCK Same old. Same old. I think I might die soon.

SHERI Well, don’t do it here. Have a seat, we’ll be right with you.

Chuck sits down right next to Dale, despite the fact that there are at least ten other empty chairs in the waiting room.

Nancy goes into the office door on the left and then appears behind the counter. The Nurses are behind the counter.

Dale is obviously disturbed that Chuck has sat down next to him. He calls out.

DALE Maam!

He gets Nancy’s attention, she smiles. The other nurses look at paperwork.

DALE I’ve been waiting...

NANCY Of course you have dear. You’re in a waiting room.

CHUCK What’s your problem?

SHERI Is he here to sell me something?

KELLY No. He’s got jock itch.

SHERI Oh, okay.

Sheri looks back at charts with Kelly

CHUCK Jock itch, huh? Hell, I thought everybody had jock itch. Where do you live?

Dale bolts out of his chair to the counter.

DALE I want to see the doctor right now!

Dr. James suddenly appears at the door and calls out.

DR. JAMES Dale Foot?

DALE Fout. F-o-u-t. Fout, like f-out.

DR. JAMES Right this way.

He leads Dale into the office. Enter DAVID HAYES (20’s-30’s), the advertising salesman. He walks into the front

door and strolls right up to the counter.

DAVID Sheri! I got ya!

SHERI Is it time already?

DAVID Yes it is. I really need you to re-sign with me today.

SHERI Dave, I don’t think that billboard works.

DAVID Well, of course it works. 20,000 people drive by here every day! It has to work.

SHERI Well, I’m not paying another $2000 a month, I’ll tell you that!

DAVID Of course not Sheri, don’t be ridiculous. It’s not $2000 anymore.

SHERI It’s not?

DAVID No.

SHERI It’s more isn’t it?

DAVID Not much more.

SHERI How much?

DAVID Just a little.

SHERI Much and little are two different terms, pick one.

DAVID It’s not much little more.

SHERI Give me a number.

DAVID 400 bucks.

SHERI $2400? Forget it.

DAVID Sheri, you know that billboard works. Look, it’s bringing them in here in droves.

SHERI I’ve been in this plaza longer than any other business. And we all did fine before you guys built

that stupid billboard.

DAVID We put up the billboard so people would remember you’re here instead of driving down the street

to the walk-in clinic in front of the mall, where there’s a lot more parking.

SHERI How come the nail salon and the pharmacy don’t buy the other side? It’s empty. Except for

saying “advertise here” for the last six months, you should be giving me the other side for free

until you sell it. Not to yourself! I’ve been paying for that billboard for two years now, when am

I getting a price break?

DAVID It’s a $5000 a month billboard. You’re getting it for less than half of that.

SHERI Because nobody else will give you 5000 bucks.

DAVID Sheri, look, I just need you to re-up today, for one month, that’s it. I’ll tell you why.

SHERI Go ahead. Amuse me.

DAVID My regional manager is here and he is going to ride with me later today. He’s doing an audit on

me, because, sales are...not good. So I need somebody to re-up. You’ve been my customer for

two years. I am counting on you. I need you to do this. I’ll rip up the contract tomorrow, if you

want, but I really need you to re-up. Today. Okay? Pretty please?

SHERI I won’t have to sign for another year, will I?

DAVID NO! (beat) Six months.

SHERI WHAT!

DAVID Three months. Okay, one month, but I need Mr. Cooper to witness me getting a deal. So can we

do it in a little while from now?

SHERI Fine. You’ll be right on time for the birthday party.

DAVID Whose birthday is it?

SHERI Doctor Morton. He turns 80 today.

DAVID Doc Morton is 80! My God!

SHERI And still going strong.

Lights dim on waiting room and counter. Lights rise on examination room, which is revealed by screen behind the

wall stage left. DR. MORTON (80) walks in with a chart. Dale sits on the exam table.

DR. MORTON So, you’re the young man with the foot.

DALE Fout, sir.

DR. MORTON Fout? I’ve never heard of that. Is that like gout.

DALE Yes, sir. Like gout with an F. Fout.

DR. MORTON Who’s your family physician?

DALE I don’t have one.

DR. MORTON Have you traveled out of the country recently?

DALE No, sir.

DR. MORTON Then how did you get this FOUT?

DALE It’s the name I was born with sir.

DR. MORTON (Looks at chart) I thought your name was Dale.

DALE It is, sir. Dale Fout.

DR. MORTON Alright, fine. Take off your shoes.

DALE Yes, sir.

Dale takes off his shoes and starts dropping his pants.

DR. MORTON Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what the hell are you doing? We just need to see the foot, not the

whole anatomy, son.

DALE Why do you need to see my foot?

DR. MORTON Isn’t it broken?

DALE No.

DR. MORTON Then why are you here?

DALE I have a rash.

DR. MORTON Are you the guy with the jock itch?

DALE I don’t know. I need you to look.

DR. MORTON I don’t want to look down there! Keep your pants on! The last thing I need to see is another

rotten crotch!

Dr. Morton reaches into cabinets and brings out a tube of ointment.

DR. MORTON Here. Put this on it. If the itching doesn’t go away in a couple hours, you may need surgery.

DALE Surgery?

DR. MORTON I’m kidding.

DALE How should I apply it?

DR. MORTON By yourself.

DALE I’d feel better if you would at least take a look. To make sure it’s not something else.

DR. MORTON Okay, fine. Undo your pants. What else do you think it might be?

Dale unzips and lowers his pants to his knees. Dr. Morton looks at his thighs and sneers.

DALE I don’t know. Poison ivy?

DR. MORTON Have you been rubbing poison ivy on your legs?

DALE No.

DR. MORTON Then you’ve got jock itch. Pull up your pants.

He writes on a chart and hands Dale a slip of paper.

DR.MORTON Give this to the nurse on the way out. And next time you intend to pay us a brief visit, please ask

for Dr. James.

Light dim on exam room, back to waiting room and counter. David stands at the door about to exit.

DAVID I’ll see you later, Sheri, thanks. Thanks a whole bunch.

SHERI Okay, just remember who your friends are.

DAVID I will.

SHERI And try that new bakery I told you about. It’s just two doors down. That’s where we’re getting

the cake. They have really good coffee, and cannollis too.

DAVID Ooooh, cannollis! That sounds good. I’ll see soon.

David exits. Nancy looks at the sign-in sheet and calls out to Chuck.

NANCY Chuck. Come over here, dear.

Chuck staggers over.

NANCY What seems to be the trouble dear?

CHUCK I haven’t pooped in three days. I’m all damn bound up.

NANCY What have you been eating?

CHUCK Beans. Mostly. And tuna.

NANCY Do you want an enema?

Nurse Kelly perks up from what she’s doing behind the counter and starts to listen closely.

CHUCK Christ, no! Not again. Not if I can avoid it.

NANCY All right, dear. Sit back down. We’ll have the doctor look at you and he can prescribe something.

Chuck sits.

KELLY (whispers) Does he need an enema?

NANCY We’ll find out after the doctor looks at him.

KELLY Because if he does, I can do it.

NANCY Have you done enemas before?

KELLY (ecstatic) Yes! Lots of times. I’m really good at it.

NANCY Alright. Well, if he needs an enema...you can...do it. If you want.

KELLY Oh, I do!

NANCY Alright, dear.

Dale enters the waiting room again and stands at the counter.

KELLY (super cheerful) How are you feeling? Better?

DALE Better? I suppose.

KELLY Got some cream, there?

DALE Yes, maam.

KELLY Good. You should feel real good in a while.

DALE (confused) Am I supposed to pay you?

Kelly snatches the paper from Dale and looks at it.

KELLY Cash, check or charge?

DALE Charge.

Kelly takes his credit card and swipes it with gusto and flair.

KELLY Hey, it went through!

DALE Of course it did. There’s nothing wrong with my credit.

KELLY (hushed) Not yet.

DALE That’s a really nice billboard you’ve got out there.

SHERI What?

DALE I said, that’s a nice billboard you have. It must really bring in a lot of business.

SHERI Maybe. Why do you mention it?

DALE No reason. I just thought you might like to know why I decided to stop here.

SHERI Who are you...

KELLY Jock itch.

SHERI And you came in because of the billboard.

KELLY He came in because he was itchy!

SHERI Shush!

DALE I came in because I needed to and your billboard gave good directions. I thought you should know

that it works. Since I am in advertising myself.

Enter SOPHIA (30’s), the nail technician from down the walk. She is carrying a purse and interrupts.

SOPHIA Sheri! Nancy left her purse.

Nancy enters.

NANCY My purse! Oh my goodness. Thank you Sophia! Thank you!

SHERI Wait a minute! She’s got sparkles, but what have you got? Stars?

Dale realizes he is being ignored and he exits the building. Sheri and Kelly crowd in to see Sophia’s fingernails.

SOPHIA It’s the American Flag. See? Stars on this hand and stripes on this one.

SHERI Oh, that’s beautiful. I want those! Can you do those for me?

SOPHIA Sure no problem.

SHERI Hey, where did that guy go?

KELLY Jock-itch? He left.

SHERI Did he pay?

KELLY Yup!

Enter two more people who are not together. A MAN WITH CAST (50’s+) on his foot. He is bearded and shabby,

and VICTORIA (30’s) sexy, dressed s****y. The Man with Cast sits down with a clipboard and starts writing.

Nancy responds to Victoria.

NANCY Victoria? What are you here for?

VICTORIA An adjustment. From Doctor James.

Dr. James bolts out through the hallway.

DR. JAMES Victoria?

Victoria stands and rushes to him. They talk close.

VICTORIA Doctor James. My back is out, can you fix it?

DR. JAMES I can.

VICTORIA Can you do me right now?

DR. JAMES Of course. As is my duty, I won’t let you remain in pain a second longer.

MAN WITH CAST (fast and not understandable) Dokter! Mah foot iz drizn me nus. So itchy! Ah kint take it!

Needs a shot ir sumtin.

DR. JAMES (not understanding) Okay. Sure, in a minute.

Dr. James grabs Victoria by the wrist and rushes her into the back. A WOMAN (30’s) with TWO BOYS (8 and 12)

walk in, sign in and sit down. She steps up to the counter and starts writing on a clipboard.

SHERI They’re just here for boosters?

WOMAN Yes, maam. Do you have a bathroom?

SHERI Sure, just come around.

Woman ushers her children through doorway. Ellen walks back in. She joins everybody at the counter, shoving her

way in with her broken arm.

ELLEN What are you looking at?

SHERI Oh, hello, Ellen.

KELLY Nails.

ELLEN Nails for what?

KELLY FINGER-nails.

ELLEN You’re lucky you have fingernails. I might not even have fingers in a while.

Ellen goes to sit down, but remains standing. Sheri walks out from behind the counter into the lobby.

SHERI Is something wrong, Ellen?

ELLEN Well, my arm is about to fall off if that’s what you mean.

SHERI Do you need to see the doctor again?

ELLEN No. I’m just waiting for Fred. He drove someplace while I was next door in the pharmacy. He

said he was going to be right back. I just want to wait in here because you have air conditioning.

At least I got that scrip filled.

SHERI Did you take a pill?

ELLEN I took a pill all right. I took four. I’m not going to feel anything in a while. HA-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

SHERI Okay. Just have a seat. Stay off your feet.

ELLEN Do you know what it’s like to wait in that pharmacy? Those people are so slow! It’s like

watching butter melt.

Sheri sits her down next to the Man with Cast.

SHERI Okay. Well. I’ve got some things to do so I’ll see you later.

ELLEN Did you see those tooth whitening strips they have? You might like those.

SHERI Ellen. I’m going in back now. I won’t be able to hear you.

ELLEN It’s really amazing. It’s like if your teeth are yellow, like yours, they can turn white.

SHERI Ellen. Stop. Decease. No more. Don’t need to know. End of conversation.

As Ellen speaks, Sheri walks away into the back. Ellen just keeps talking as if Sheri is still standing there.

ELLEN You know they have those herbal supplements too. You might like those. You can be more

aware of your surroundings.

Light change to highlight examination room. Victoria and Dr. James make out on the bed. They speak as if they are

mimicking a soap opera. Her naked back is to the audience and we see his hands caressing her torso. Her hands are

up around his neck. Lighting is dimmer than when we saw Dale and Dr. Morton.

VICTORIA Oh, Doctor. You have such a strong, yet gentle touch.

DR. JAMES I was trained in Chiropractic by the Institute of Kama Sutra, in the Netherlands.

(kisses her neck) My teachers, Daphnus and Chloe, honed my skills in voluptuous ravagement so

that I could...

Stroking her back as she falls gently back on the bed they are in the midst of copulation.

DR. JAMES Not only align your spine, but bring you...to...climax.

Nurse Kelly and the woman with children opens the exam room door and they all walk in and the lights in the exam

room brighten.

KELLY Just come right in here and the Doctor will...

The woman screams and covers her children’s eyes. Victoria covers herself. Dr. James pulls up his pants, all

simultaneously as the light switches back to highlight the waiting area. Everybody reacts, looking in the direction of

the scream. Sheri and Nancy run in the back. Sophia bends over the counter to see. The Man with Cast cranes his

head to see the counter. Chuck has fallen asleep.

ELLEN The exact same thing happened to me the last time I went back there.

WOMAN Just what kind of place are you running here?

YOUNGER BOY I saw that lady’s b***s!

OLDER BOY She was getting a breast exam! I saw it on HBO.

WOMAN What! Aauugh! This is... this is...

SHERI Disfunctional?

WOMAN Completely unprofessional!

SHERI Would you like to try door number two? I’m sure Dr. Morton won’t be doing anything more than

eating a sandwich in there. And for that, he’ll have his teeth in.

WOMAN We won’t be coming back here, that’s for sure. Let’s go, boys.

The woman rushes her boys out the door. Victoria dashes out of the back and exits right behind them.

VICTORIA Thank you doctor, you’re a miracle worker, I’m cured.

DR. JAMES Tell your friends.

ELLEN How come I never get service like that when I come in here?

SHERI Because you don’t look like Victoria. Doctor James, may I have a word with you?

DR. JAMES Back trouble?

She grabs him by the ear and pulls him in the back.

SHERI Come here!

KELLY Sir?

The Man with Cast points to himself, then hobbles over to the counter.

KELLY Yes, sir. Can you please come over here? I’m sorry, but I can’t read your writing.

The man responds with incoherent mumbles that nobody understands.

MAN (mumbles) Ah txchik ah gahd ah nifetur.

KELLY What?

MAN Ah txchik ah gahd ah nifetur. Ah dun his me inzrs cad to ah kin goin ah hispibble.

KELLY You’re kidding, right?

MAN Uh-uh.

She pulls Nancy away from her conversation with Sophia.

KELLY Nancy, I can’t understand a word this guy is saying. Can you?

NANCY I don’t know.

KELLY Okay, now tell her.

MAN Uh-uh.

KELLY Not that! The other part.

MAN Ah txchik ah gahd ah nifetur. Ah dun his me inzrs cad to ah kin goin ah hispibble.

SOPHIA Maybe his English isn’t so good. Senor, se hablamos espanol?

The man gets upset now.

MAN Ah dun tol yu. Ma inzrs cad az ahom.

Dr. Morton walks in behind the counter.

KELLY Dr. Morton. We can’t understand what this man is saying.

DR. MORTON Why don’t you ask him to write it down.

She hands him the clipboard.

KELLY We did.

DR. MORTON Oh, I see. (to man) Where does it hurt?

MAN Ah dun hus ma is -

DR.MORTON Don’t talk! Point.

The man points to his cast.

DR. MORTON What’s the matter? Does it itch?

MAN Yah!

DR. MORTON I’ll get him some ointment.

KELLY Don’t you want to look at him?

DR. MORTON What for? You want me to catch a rash? Stop sending me itchy people, I don’t want to catch

anything.

Dr. James and Sheri walk out of the back room and behind the counter. Dr. Morton exits to back.

SHERI If I didn’t need a licensed physician here so bad, you’d be looking for a new home for your golf

trophies.

DR. JAMES Sheri, if you didn’t have such a liberal pharmacy right next door, I wouldn’t want to be here.

A young THUG (20’s) wearing a bandana bursts in the door pointing a gun. He points the gun in Kelly’s face.

THUG Give me your money and your drugs.

KELLY Did you try next door?

THUG Didn’t you hear me? I said give me your money and your drugs!

KELLY What kinds of drugs do you need?

THUG Do I look like I’m playing to you?

SHERI Now calm down. Just calm down.

THUG Don’t you tell me to be calm! Hand over the bank! Everybody sit down! Sit down over there!

The thug points his gun at everyone and makes Sophia, Nancy, Kelly, the Man and Dr. James sit down. Ellen and

Chuck are already seated. Sheri stays behind the counter.

THUG You too, lady! Let’s go!

SHERI Don’t you want me to get you your money and drugs?

THUG Huh? Yeah! Yeah! You get me the money! Get it!

Sheri hands him a clipboard and a pen over the counter.

SHERI Okay, first I need you to fill this out.

THUG What is that?

SHERI It’s a requisition form. You can’t get anything without a requisition form.

THUG Say what?

SHERI Trust me. I wish it were easier. Here. Make sure you fill in every space.

She hands him the clipboard and he takes it. He looks it over for a minute.

THUG But I don’t have an insurance card.

SHERI That’s okay, you can leave that spot blank. Just make sure you sign it on the bottom.

He reads the form and almost starts writing. Then, he catches on.

THUG Hey! I’m not going to sign anything. Now bring out the money! And the drugs. Don’t forget

about the drugs.

He turns to lock the door, but doesn’t see a lock.

THUG How do you lock this door?

SHERI You don’t. We’re open 24 hours. It doesn’t lock.

THUG It doesn’t lock? What if you had an emergency and you had to close and lock up? If you don’t

have good locks, you could get robbed.

SHERI You’re new at this, aren’t you?

He comes around the side of the counter.

THUG Don’t you give me no lip lady! Just get the money out!

SHERI Do you have a bag?

THUG A what?

SHERI A bag? Did you bring a bag?

THUG No! Don’t you have any bags?

SHERI We’re not a grocery store, we’re a clinic. We don’t have any bags.

THUG Are you sure?

SHERI Nancy, Kelly - Do we have any bags?

They answer in unison.

NURSES No!

SHERI See? Now what are you going to carry all the money away in?

The thug is confused. He steps back into the waiting room.

THUG Does anybody have a bag?

Everyone looks at each other.

THUG A bag? You know? A bag? How about a purse? Anybody got a purse?

KELLY Do you really want to be seen running down the street with a purse?

ELLEN That’s why I don’t carry a purse anymore, ‘cause I had my purse snatched.

SOPHIA Ooooh really? When? My Auntie Flora had her purse snatched. She was at the mall parking lot,

two weeks ago.

ELLEN That’s where I was! You know - stupid Fred, he just sat in the car watching, said he didn’t know

it was me!

THUG Hey! Shut up! (beat) So nobody has a purse?

ELLEN Nancy has one.

NANCY Ellen!

ELLEN Oh! Sorry! My bad.

THUG Okay, so where’s the purse.

SHERI Right here.

NANCY Sheri! I just bought that.

SHERI Sorry hon. Here, I’ll take your things out.

She dumps the contents on the counter.

SHERI Here we go.

THUG Now we’re getting somewhere. Fill it up.

Sheri turns the clipboard around and places the pen on top. She clears her throat.

SHERI Ahem.

THUG Are you serious?

SHERI How do you expect me to account for anything if I don’t keep the paperwork in order? How do

you expect me to do payroll?

Kelly, Nancy and Dr. James all answer together.

GROUP Yeah!

Dale Fout walks in through the front door, cell phone in hand and Thug spins around to point the gun at him. He

snatches the phone out of his hand.

THUG Give me that! Go sit down over there! GO!

Dale sits down next to the man with the cast.

DALE What in the world is going on here?

MAN Ihn luz a holup dun no goon shoot.

DALE What did he say?

ELLEN He said “It looks like a hold-up. We don’t know who he’s going to shoot.”

KELLY You can understand him?

ELLEN How can you not understand perfect English?

THUG Okay - Who else here has a cell phone?

The captives all look at each other and back at the Thug.

THUG Nobody?

ELLEN You already got one phone, how many calls are you going to make?

THUG I ain’t making no phone calls!

ELLEN Then what do you need a phone for?

THUG You - You just - be quiet.

SHERI Good luck with that.

Dales’ cell phone starts ringing in the Thugs’ hand.

THUG Now what?

DALE I’ll answer it.

THUG No you won’t! You think I’m stupid! Is that what you think? Let you answer it and tell

everybody what’s up? Ha!

Thug answers the phone.

DALE No - Don’t!

THUG Hello? Hold on. Which one of you is Dale?

DALE I am.

THUG It’s for you.

Thug almost hands him the phone but suddenly realizes what he is doing.

THUG What? Sit down! Man! (into phone) Who is this? Well, he’s busy right now. Doing what? I’m

ripping his a*s off! I got his phone, I got his wallet. (to Dale) Give me your wallet. (into phone)

And I got ten hostages.

DALE You’ve actually got nine hostages.

THUG Hold up. (to Dale) Who left? (into phone) Look, I gotta go. He’ll call you later. What? Hold

up. (to crowd) Anybody got a pen?

SHERI On the counter.

Thug goes to the counter and takes a piece of paper and a pen and starts writing.

THUG Okay, go ahead. How do you spell that? Slow down. Okay. Okay. Got it. 555-7926 Oh, sorry.

7962. Yeah, I got it. 7962. Where? Doctors R X Us. Okay. You have nice day too. Goodbye.

SHERI (to Kelly) Do you think he even has bullets?

DALE Who was that?

Thug hands the note to Dale.

THUG She said you should call back right away.

DALE You told her where I am? I can’t believe you told her where I am!

ELLEN Looks like somebody’s got more to hide than just an itchy butt.

DALE (to Ellen) Excuse me! Would you please mind your own business?

SHERI You guys are really looking for miracles to happen aren’t you?

DALE (to Thug) Give me the phone!

Thug almost hands the phone back to Dale, but then pockets it.

THUG Sorry, I - Wait a minute! Sit down, dude! I’m in charge here! Not you! Now don’t anybody else

try anything stupid! Or else!

SHERI Can’t stand to be outdone, can you?

THUG That’s right! Now let’s get back to the money.

SHERI What money?

THUG The money! The money you get here! The money in the back!

KELLY We have money in back?

SHERI Oh, of course. We have loads of money in back. Usually, the safe is completely full, but the

armored car comes and takes all the money to the bank every Thursday morning.

NANCY Isn’t today Thursday? I don’t remember any armored car.

SHERI You were out having your nails done. (to Thug) So, actually, you’re out of luck, because they

picked up all the money this morning.

THUG They did?

SHERI Yeah. So - sorry. If you had just showed up last night. We had a lot of money last night.

THUG Oh, man. That sucks!

ELLEN I’ll bet everybody has money in their wallets you could have.

SHERI (sarcastic) Thanks Ellen!

ELLEN You’re welcome.

THUG Yeah. Everybody! Get your wallets out. Put them in the purse. Come on! Let’s go!

ELLEN Hey, Nancy! His purse looks just like yours!

NANCY That is my purse!

ELLEN Oh. Why did you give it to him?

THUG Come on! Now! Get your money out! Everybody, put it in the purse. Let’s go!

He holds the bag out to collect money and approaches them as they sit along the wall from right to left - Sheri,

Kelly, Nancy, Man with Cast, Ellen, Dale, Dr. James, Sophia and then Chuck.

SHERI Who brings money to work?

Frustrated, the Thug moves on.

KELLY What she said.

THUG You don’t have any money?

KELLY Do you?

THUG Aaugh!

He moves on to Nancy.

NANCY That’s my purse! You already stole from me.

He moves on.

THUG Okay, dude. What do you got?

MAN WITH CAST: Ah dun his me inzrs cad. Ma inzrs cad az ahom. Ah dun gat no muhne.

THUG What?

SHERI This should be good.

MAN WITH CAST: Ah dun his me inzrs cad. Ma inzrs cad az ahom. Ah dun gat no muhne.

THUG Does anybody know what he’s talking about?

ELLEN He left his insurance card at home and he doesn’t have any money.

THUG Okay. Next!

He moves on to Ellen and holds the purse out to her. She just laughs hysterically.

ELLEN HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA.

Thug rolls his eyes and moves on to Dale. Ellen laughs harder. She keeps laughing.

THUG Let’s go! Pull out the bank!

DALE Look, I don’t have any cash. I mean, look - I’ve got two dollars. Here. And I use credit cards.

But...

Ellen laughs harder now.

DALE Excuse me! What is your problem?

ELLEN You said ‘butt’.

DALE So?

ELLEN You need butt cream!

DALE I don’t have to listen to this!

Dale stands.

THUG Sit down, dude! (to Ellen) And you! Stop laughing. Sound like you’re crazy!

Dale sits. Ellen’s laughing slowly tapers off during Dr. James monologue.

DR. JAMES Oh, she’s completely psychotic.

THUG She is?

DR. JAMES You know how she broke her arm? She woke up during surgery while we were replacing her

hypothalamus.

THUG What’s that?

DR. JAMES That’s the part of the brain that links the nervous system to the endocrine system via the pituitary

gland, also known as the “master gland,” by synthesizing and secreting neurohormones as needed

that control the secretion of hormones from the anterior pituitary gland �" among them,

gonadotropin-releasing hormone also know as GnRH.

THUG Huh?

DR. JAMES The neurons that secrete GnRH are linked to the limbic system, which is primarily involved in the

control of emotions and sexual activity.

THUG So what does that mean?

DR. JAMES She’s a very dangerous nymphomaniac. Without proper medication she’s got the sexual appetite

of a bull elephant during rutting season. I’d stay away from her if I were you. You can tell the

medication is wearing off when she starts laughing like that.

THUG What could happen?

Dr. James motions for the Thug to come close and whispers in his ear for about 10 seconds. At first he looks

curious, then delighted, then extremely scared. He bolts back.

THUG No way!

DR. JAMES Afraid so. And believe me, you don’t want to be anywhere nearby when that happens.

THUG Thanks, doc.

DR. JAMES Don’t mention it.

Thug moves on to Sophia.

THUG Okay, what about you? Where’s your money?

SOPHIA My money is two doors down at the nail salon, you want me to go get it for you?

THUG How much you got?

SOPHIA How much you need?

THUG Uh - all of it!

SOPHIA I can’t give you all of it. I might be able to give you some.

THUG Okay. So - how much?

SOPHIA How much you need?

THUG How much you got?

SOPHIA I don’t know. I have to count it.

THUG Well, about how much is it?

SOPHIA I don’t know.

THUG Is it a little or a lot?

SOPHIA I don’t know. What might be a lot to me might be a little to you.

THUG Is it more than two dollars?

SOPHIA I don’t know, I have to check.

Thug is stumped.

SOPHIA You want me to go check? It will only take me a minute. I’ll be right back.

He realizes he is almost letting her go.

THUG No! You think I’m stupid!

SOPHIA You shouldn’t worry about what other people think about you. It’s how you think about yourself

that matters.

THUG (thinking) Okay - Go. No don’t. Stay! Stay right there.

SOPHIA But you want the money right?

THUG Is it a lot?

SOPHIA Like I said -

THUG Okay, no! No. You keep it. I’m just going to rob this place, and this is it. Then I’m out of here.

He moves on to Chuck who has been sitting quietly.

THUG Okay dude, you next. Break out the bank.

Chuck does not move.

THUG Don’t play, dude! Let’s go! Roll out the cash!

The thug pokes him and Chuck slumps over. Thug backs up as the nurses rush to his aid. Dr. James applies his

stethoscope.

THUG Whoa! What’s he doing?

SHERI Chuck!

NANCY Is he okay?

DR. JAMES Uh-oh.

SHERI What?

They all stare at each other.

KELLY He’s dead, Jim!

Everyone looks at Thug.

SHERI You killed him.

THUG No I didn’t.

SHERI Well, we don’t just leave dead people laying around here if that’s what you’re implying.

THUG I’m not.

ELLEN They’re going to electrocute you now that you’re a murderer.

THUG I’m not a murderer! He was already dead!

ELLEN That’s not what I saw.

SOPHIA That’s right, I saw him walk in and sit down.

KELLY He even signed in on the clipboard.

SOPHIA You don’t even need three strikes to get the electric chair.

ELLEN Old Sparky!

SHERI It’s really a shame. Chuck was such a good patient, a regular customer, too.

KELLY I didn’t even get a chance to give him his final enema.

SHERI See what you’ve done? Now who’s going to pay for his office visit?

THUG He died!

SHERI And whose fault is that?

THUG Not mine!

A car horn blows outside. Ellen stands and starts to leave.

ELLEN That’s Fred. Thanks for letting me wait in here, Sheri. Good luck with the robbery and the

murder and everything. I’ll see you la -

THUG You’re not going anywhere! Sit down.

ELLEN You going to kill me next? Is that it?

Thug gets right in her face.

THUG I said sit down!

ELLEN You ever heard of Tic-Tacs?

THUG Sit down!

ELLEN I’m just saying, it’s not a bad idea. You might want to think about -

THUG Shut up. Now look! Nobody is going anywhere! I am in charge here! I don’t want anybody

getting any smart ideas.

ELLEN With you in charge I don’t see how anybody can. Did you used to work at the video store?

THUG (confused) No.

Thug goes to the door and looks out to see who is blowing the horn.

THUG I wish that guy would stop blowing the horn.

ELLEN You want me to tell him to?

THUG No. Just let me think.

All of the captives laugh, except Chuck.

THUG What’s so funny?

DR. JAMES Perhaps I can explain it.

THUG No, don’t bother. I don’t need to be confused right now. (to Dale) What are you all dressed up

for?

DALE This is how I dress every day. I’m a business man.

THUG What kind of business are you in?

DALE Promotions. Marketing.

THUG That doesn’t help. We need to get rid of this guys body. Any ideas?

SOPHIA We could call the police.

THUG Not like that! We can’t call the police. I’m not going to jail. (to Sheri) What do you usually do

when somebody dies around here?

SHERI It’s not like it happens every day, but the first thing to do would be to hold a prayer service.

THUG A prayer service?

SOPHIA Of course. What - you don’t believe in God?

THUG Of course I do.

SOPHIA Well, you know he’s going to send you straight to hell now that you killed somebody.

THUG I didn’t kill him! He just died!

KELLY Because we couldn’t get to him in time. Isn’t that a shame? He was so young.

NANCY Seventy-five if he was a day.

DR. JAMES This won’t have any effect on my malpractice insurance, will it?

SHERI I don’t see how. You didn’t kill him. He did.

THUG For the last time, I didn’t kill him! He just died!

Dr. Morton emerges from the back and walks into the waiting room. Thug points his gun at him. Dr. Morton does

not flinch.

DR. MORTON Who died?

THUG Who are you?

DR. MORTON I’m Doctor Morton. Who are you? And who did you kill?

ELLEN He killed Chuck.

THUG I did not kill Chuck!

ELLEN Probably smelled your breath. Do you eat fish for breakfast?

DR. MORTON Okay, well, stick with that story. Since you shot him - you’re the only one I see with a gun -

they’re going to try and pin it on you. Who’s Chuck anyway?

Everybody points to Chuck.

SHERI Right over there.

DR. MORTON Did he try to stab you or something? Self defense is usually a pretty good story. Juries love that

stuff. You should put a knife in his hand so when the cops show up you can say you saved all

these people.

THUG You think that will work?

DR. MORTON Why not? The worst thing that could happen is you’ll get 15 to 30 on a plea bargain.

SOPHIA Or maybe life.

KELLY Or maybe the chair!

DR. MORTON Or maybe the chair.

ELLEN Old Sparky!

DR. MORTON But if I were you, I’d just get the hell out of Dodge. By the way, one word of advice.

THUG Yeah?

DR. MORTON Mints.

Dr. Morton exits out the front door. Thug puts his hand up to his face to test his breath then notices that Dr. Morton

got away.

THUG Hey, where’s he going? Can you believe that guy? He just left!

Thug pushes his head out the door.

THUG Hey! Come back here! Hey! You -

SHERI Doctor Morton.

THUG Doctor Martin.

SHERI Morton! Not Martin!

THUG I said Martin.

SHERI Not Martin. Morton.

THUG Morton? What’s Morton mean?

SHERI Are you done robbing us yet?

THUG Oh, look! He’s gone now. He just ignored me.

SHERI Don’t take it personally, he ignores everybody.

THUG But that’s rude.

SHERI You get used to it.

ELLEN You know what? This is just like being on COPS. I wish we had a camera so we could replay it

when they come in here and take him down. Maybe they’ll use a Taser! Zzt! Zzt! Little Sparky!

KELLY Or rubber bullets.

DALE Or real ones.

SHERI And if we’re real lucky there will be collateral damage, too.

DR. JAMES Did I have a golf game today?

NANCY No, that’s tomorrow. Today it’s two-for-one Margaritas at Pablo’s.

DR. JAMES That’s right! We’re taking Morton out for his birthday! I almost forgot!

DALE How old is he?

NANCY He’s eighty years old today.

DALE I’ll be darned...

THUG Alright! Stop it! Stop it! Everybody just be quiet! I need to think!

Everybody is quiet. Thug stares out the door. Ellen walks up behind him and looks out too. He does not notice her.

ELLEN (whispers) What are you thinking about?

Thug bolts and bounces out the door and then comes right back in, shouting.

THUG What are you doing! You scared the crap out of me! Don’t sneak up on people!

ELLEN If you think that’s scary, what are you going to do when the Tasers and bullets start flying.

THUG There are not going to be...

The phone rings and Thug jumps. He pulls it out of his pocket.

THUG Aaugh! What now?

DALE Don’t answer it!

THUG Shut up! (to Ellen) You - Go sit down. (into phone) Hello. Who?

DALE It’s for me.

THUG Oh crap! This isn’t my phone. No. He’s busy right now.

DALE How am I busy?

THUG Trust me, he is.

Dale moves toward Thug.

DALE Who is that?

THUG No. It’s not him. It’s just somebody who sounds like him.

DALE Is that Dolores?

THUG Is this Dolores? (to Dale) She wants to know who Dolores is.

DALE Aaugh! All I came back here for was a receipt!

Dale goes to sit down. Thug looks at phone and holds it farther away from his ear.

THUG Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Bye.

He looks at the phone and puts it back in his pocket.

THUG Dude. You are in so much trouble. She’s pissed.

DALE Who? Who was it?

THUG I don’t know, but it wasn’t Dolores.

MAN WITH CAST: Ah shur glad ma ol lady ain’t da jelless kin’. Szpezially da way dem women all flock to me.

Dale sits and hangs his head down.

DR. JAMES Don’t worry. It’s almost Margarita time.

Thug peers out the door.

THUG I’m not going out for Margaritas! I’m leaving.

SHERI What are you waiting for?

THUG For the coast to be clear. I don’t want anybody to see my face.

ELLEN But we’ve all seen your face.

THUG What? Oh man! Now - Oh Man! Now what am I going to do?

NANCY So is he leaving or staying? Either way, I want that purse back.

SHERI Oh, Mister Criminal, excuse me.

THUG What?

SHERI Since you’re leaving with only two dollars, would you mind giving Nancy her purse back.

THUG What? No! I gotta get something out of this deal.

KELLY What are you going to do with a purse?

THUG Will you please leave me alone! I’m trying to get out of here.

SOPHIA You’re not trying very hard. Just walk out the door.

THUG And just leave all you people here with a dead body?

SHERI Are you worried we might kill him again?

THUG I can’t just leave you people with that dead guy. For all I know, you’ll come up with some bizarre

story about how I gave him a heart attack or something.

DALE Does that mean he’s going to kill us?

DR. JAMES I don’t know. (to Thug) What are you trying to say?

THUG I have to take him with me now. What else?

ELLEN A kidnapper and a murderer. Zzt. Zzt.

THUG You are not helping.

Thug looks out the door again.

THUG Here’s what’s going to happen. There’s a guy over there in a station wagon with the engine

running. I’m going to make him get out of the car and take it. When I pull up to the door, you all

carry that guy out and throw him in the back.

SHERI Now that’s an episode of COPS I’d like to see.

ELLEN You’re going to car-jack the guy in the station wagon?

THUG You got a problem with that? Okay, you know the plan. When I pull up to the door, bring the

dead guy.

Thug goes out the door.

SOPHIA How stupid is that guy?

ELLEN If he’s talking about Fred sitting there in the station wagon waiting for me, he’s extra stupid.

SHERI Extra stupid?

ELLEN Goliath is in there.

Sounds from offstage.

THUG (O.S.) Get out! Get out of the car!

Horn blows.

THUG (O.S.) You heard me.

Dog barks and growls.

THUG (O.S.) Hey! HEY!

Everyone except Chuck runs to the door and watches in horror.

ELLEN Now that’s a bad idea.

THUG (O.S.) Help! OH GOD NO! MY ARM! MY ARM! LET GO! PLEASE OH GOD! LET GO!

Thug runs to the glass door and screams at the group!

THUG Help!

Thug is pulled to the ground and out of sight. Thug keeps screaming and everyone looking through the door winces.

DALE That is a big dog!

Thug pushes his way in as GOLIATH pounds at the door. Everyone holds the door shut to keep Goliath out. Thug

is bloody and his clothes are ripped to shreds. He no longer has a gun. He cowers on the floor in front of everyone.

ELLEN Isn’t he a sweetheart?

Thug lies on the floor clutching Nancy’s purse. Everyone crowds around him. Nancy snatches her purse back in a

huff.

SHERI Where’s your gun, smart guy?

THUG I think that dog ate it.

ELLEN Great! Now he’s going to have worms again.

Kelly looks at his wounds.

KELLY These are some deep gashes. He’s really bleeding.

Sheri grabs the clipboard and pen from the counter.

SHERI Here we go. Fill this out. And I need your insurance card.

THUG I don’t have an insurance card.

SHERI That’s okay. We take cash. Just fill out the form.

KELLY Dr. James, can you take a look at this?

DR. JAMES Not really. Not until he’s signed in and consents to treatment.

THUG Can’t we do that later, I’m bleeding!

SHERI If you had filled out the form twenty minutes ago like I told you...

DR. JAMES I don’t really have time for an amputation today anyway.

THUG Amputation! You mean I could lose my leg?

SHERI Not if you hurry up and fill that form out.

DALE Excuse me. Where is my cell phone?

THUG Huh? I don’t know.

Ellen swings around, her arm narrowly missing Dale.

ELLEN Don’t tell me he ate that too. Now he’ll be ringing until the battery dies.

Dr. James produces a cell phone and hands it to Dale.

Dr. JAMES Here sir. Let’s call your cell phone and find out where it is. Just dial the number and we’ll hear it

ring.

Dale dials. There is a muffled ringing. Everyone looks around. They all turn to Thug. Kelly who is kneeling

beside him looks at his belly. She puts her ear to his stomach. The ringing stops. Then there is a “bleep” sound.

KELLY You’ve got a new voice mail.

DALE How in the world did that happen? How is that even possible?

ELLEN He’s going to have worms.

Dale sits down. The Man With Cast approaches Dr. James.

MAN WITH CAST: Ir yu goan look it my legg?

Dr. JAMES Your leg?

MAN WITH CAST: Uh-huh.

DR. JAMES Hey, I got it! You mean the one with the cast?

MAN WITH CAST: Uh-huh.

DR. JAMES Well apparently it was broken at some point.

MAN WITH CAST: Uh know, now iz juzt itchy.

Dr. Morton walks back in through the front door.

DR. MORTON Did he shoot himself?

KELLY No, he tried to make friends with Ellen’s dog.

Dr. Morton turns to Ellen.

DR. MORTON Oh, you mean Goliath. I was just talking to him and Fred. He’s a sweetheart.

DR. JAMES Dr. Morton handles special cases like yours.

DR. MORTON (to Dr. James) What special cases?

DR. JAMES I’d better let him explain it.

DR. MORTON (to Man With Cast) Oh you. Didn’t I get you your ointment? You’re going to need something to

scratch it with. Come on, let’s go see where Dr. James hangs his coat.

Dr. Morton and the Man exit into the back. Sophia goes to leave.

SOPHIA (to Sheri) Is he going to live?

SHERI Not if he doesn’t hurry up and finish that paperwork.

THUG Why do you have to know about childhood diseases? Like mumps?

SOPHIA I have to get back to the shop. See you, girls.

KELLY Don’t forget about later.

SOPHIA Oh right! The party. Okay. Bye!

Sophia exits.

ELLEN You’re having a party?

SHERI That’s right. Doc Morton’s 80th birthday, remember?

ELLEN Okay, what time?

SHERI Ellen, don’t you have other places to go? Things to do, people to annoy elsewhere?

ELLEN Sure, but if there’s a party going on, count me in.

SHERI Fine. Five O’Clock.

Ellen gets close to Sheri and whispers.

ELLEN You want me to bring any, you know.

Ellen puts her fingers to her lips and makes the action of toking a joint.

SHERI No, Ellen. That won’t be necessary.

Sheri turns away and goes behind the counter. Kelly tugs Ellen’s pant leg and whispers.

KELLY Hey!

DR. JAMES Psst!

Dr. James makes the toking motion, nods his head yes, and gives Ellen a thumbs up. Kelly and Ellen grin at each

other. Ellen smiles.

ELLEN Five O’Clock.

Ellen smacks her casted arm into the door frame on her way out. Dr. James and Kelly wince.

ELLEN It’s a good thing I took too many pills, because that probably really hurts.

Ellen exits. Dale approaches Dr. James.

DALE Excuse me. But how are we going to get my cell phone out of his stomach?

DR. JAMES That’s just exploratory surgery. Quite simple really. We just cut him open and sew him back up.

THUG Cut me open?

DR. JAMES That’ll teach you not to swallow cell phones. I wonder if Goliath has rabies?

THUG Rabies?

DR. JAMES Why else would he bite you?

DALE Excuse me Doctor. May I borrow your phone again. I actually have to make a few calls.

DR. JAMES Come with me. You can use the phone in my office.

KELLY Dr. James, what about Chuck?

DR. JAMES What about him?

KELLY What should we do with him?

DR. JAMES Give him to Doctor Morton.

Dr. James and Dale exit into back. Thug hands Kelly the clipboard.

THUG Is this everything?

KELLY Did you sign it?

He signs it. Sheri comes back into the front and takes the clipboard.

SHERI Okay, are we all set?

THUG I think so.

SHERI So what’s the problem?

THUG A dog bit me!

KELLY And he swallowed a cell phone.

SHERI How did you swallow a cell phone?

David Hayes returns, entering from the street, with his boss, MR. COOPER. Kelly helps Thug limp into the back.

They see the blood on the floor.

DAVID Hi Sheri. Whoa! What happened here?

SHERI Oh, we had a little excitement, but it’s over now. Somebody needs some stitches, that’s all.

DAVID Sheri, this is our Regional Vice President, Mr. Cooper.

COOPER Pleasure to meet you Sheri. Your billboard looks terrific!

SHERI (patronizing) Thank you. I think it’s the bestest billboard in the whole wide world. It’s so nice.

It looks so pretty. And you can see it from the front door where it’s useless because you’re

already here. I love it. And I love paying thousands and thousands of dollars for it every year just

to help David - sweet David - keep his job and not be fired by you and your corporate mongrels

who feed on the revenue of struggling businesses like mine just so you can wear expensive jackets

- what is that Hugo Boss? - and drive overpriced luxury vehicles. What do you have? A

Hummer?

COOPER Escalade.

SHERI Excellent! I am going to be so happy to help you contribute to continue wasting fossil fuels and

ruining the environment when you could be driving something more sensible and economical and

setting an example for the world other than flaunting your wealth. (loud and serious) Where do I

sign!

David and Cooper are dumbstruck. There is a moment of silence.

COOPER So you like your billboard?

Sheri glares at him with contempt.

SHERI Both of you, go sit down over there, next to Chuck! (points to Cooper) You, sit down right next

to him! And stay there until I call you.

They go over and stand near Chuck. Nancy emerges from behind the counter.

NANCY I’m going to go get the cake now.

SHERI Fine.

Nancy exits, Kelly appears behind the counter.

SHERI Kelly, would you be a dear and mop up this blood? I need to figure out what to do with Chuck.

(to salesmen) Why are you not sitting?

COOPER I’d prefer to stand.

SHERI Standing around won’t get that contract signed now will it? Have a seat.

They hesitate.

SHERI Go on.

They sit together but Cooper leaves an empty chair between himself and Chuck.

SHERI Okay, now skooch over. Go ahead.

Cooper hesitates, but then sits right next to Chuck.

SHERI That’s better. Just wait right there.

Sheri goes behind the counter and picks up the phone.

COOPER Is she the one who told you about the cannollis?

DAVID Yup.

COOPER I still can’t get that taste out of my mouth. And what did they brew that coffee in? A jock strap?

What kind of dives are you bringing me to Hayes?

DAVID These are our customers. What do you want me to do?

COOPER Find some new ones. Look at this place. This guy looks like he’s dead. Why can’t you take me

some place nice, like a golf course?

DAVID I don’t think we have any golf courses that advertise.

COOPER And why is that?

DAVID I don’t know. They don’t need to?

COOPER Are you a numbskull? Everybody needs to advertise!

DAVID Do we have a golf course with a billboard?

COOPER Golf courses don’t need billboards. They’ve got the PGA. They’ve got reputations. They’ve got

standing. Reputable places don’t need to advertise.

DAVID You mean like Augusta National or the Mayo Clinic clinic for instance?

COOPER Exactly.

DAVID That’s why we’re here.

The Man with Cast stands at the counter during the light changes paying his bill.

LIGHT CHANGE - The examination room is highlighted. Thug gets stitched up by Dr. James, Kelly assists.

THUG Can you give me something for the pain, doc?

DR. JAMES Does he have insurance?

KELLY No, doctor.

DR. JAMES Then - no.

KELLY How are you going to get the phone out?

DR. JAMES Might have to just let nature take its course.

KELLY Do you think I should give him an enema?

DR. JAMES That might be just the ticket!

LIGHT CHANGE - Dr. James Office is highlighted. Dale is on the phone.

DALE I know that it doesn’t make sense. But would you trust me please? Look, I was a hostage! It was

terrible! He had a gun and - No. I’m not going to be on the news. Can you just please calm down

and come here and get me? Doctors Rx Us. You were? When? What happened? You don’t

have to bring the boys. Okay, well, I don’t know about that, just - I just told you, I was here

already and my car won’t start and now somebody swallowed my phone. I know it doesn’t make

sense. I just said that. Dolores, just come and get me.

LIGHT CHANGE - to highlight waiting room and counter.

The Man with Cast exits out front door. Dr. Morton and Sheri are behind the counter together. Sheri is on the

phone, apparently on hold.

DR. MORTON You call this a paycheck? Starving disease ridden children in third world countries make more

than this.

SHERI Maybe you can get a job with them.

DR. MORTON Who are you calling?

SHERI The coroner. To pick up Chuck.

DR. MORTON I’ll bet they give him more for his body parts than this paycheck is worth.

SHERI If you want to go with him you could probably make the same deal.

Dale steps out of the back and into the waiting room. David and Cooper notice him immediately. Cooper stands

and steps over to him. David follows.

DALE (to Sheri) Thanks for letting me use the phone. My ride should be here any minute.

SHERI No problem.

Dr. MORTON Hey! You’re the guy with the fout. Is your crotch feeling any better?

COOPER Not for long.

He sees Cooper standing very close to him, arms crossed.

DALE It’s - uh - Oh, God! Mr. Cooper!

COOPER Dale Fout! Why are you here? And why weren’t you at this mornings meeting?

DALE I’m - Well, I’m sick. I was sick.

Dr. MORTON He’s got a severe case of jock itch.

DALE (to Dr. Morton) That’s personal.

DR. MORTON And he’s got the fout. I’d stay away from him if I were you.

DALE Let me explain, Mr. Cooper. I was here for a very short time and this guy came in to rob the

place, and he took us hostage, and then he took my phone and he swallowed it.

COOPER What?

DALE I swear, that’s the truth!

Dr. James and Kelly bring Thug out and Kelly gives Dale his phone back. Kelly has a mop.

KELLY Here you go.

She starts mopping up the blood.

DALE You got it out?

DR. JAMES It was in his pocket.

COOPER Fout, you’re not making any sense. Is this why you don’t have any numbers on the board? Out

screwing around in medical clinics? Are you doctor shopping for drugs? Is that it?

DR. JAMES Who’s your doctor? Morton? Why didn’t I get to bid?

Coopers’ cell phone rings and he goes to answer it.

COOPER (to Dale) I’ll deal with you in a minute. (to phone) Hello.

Cooper steps away to talk on the phone. The seat farthest away is next to Chuck. He sits there.

DAVID Dale, what are you doing here?

KELLY He’s got jock itch.

DALE (to Kelly) Do you mind? (to David) Look, I needed some medical attention and my car broke

down, so here I am. What are you doing here? And why is Cooper with you?

DAVID This is one of our accounts. I need to renew them and he wanted to ride with me today.

DALE Beautiful. This is just great. I drive ten miles out of my way to find a walk in clinic where

nobody will recognize me and you guys show up. Thanks.

DAVID It’s not like we planned it.

DALE I know. But Cooper? Of all the lousy luck.

DAVID Don’t worry about it. If this is the worst thing that could have happened to you, you’re still having

a good day. Nobody else is going to recognize you.

Victoria enters through the front door.

VICTORIA Dale?

DALE Victoria?

DR. JAMES Victoria!

VICTORIA Dr. James.

DALE Dr. James?

DR. JAMES Dale?

Dr. James and Dale look at each other in disgust.

DALE Victoria, what are you doing here?

VICTORIA Me? What are you doing here?

Kelly moves over to the counter by Dr. Morton.

DALE Me? I’m here on a sales call. This is my coworker, David. David, Victoria.

DAVID Hello. How do you two know each other?

DALE That’s not important.

DR. JAMES Is this the guy you met at the carnival? The one who was passed out on the hood of your car? Is

this the guy I’ve been competing with for your attention? My God! I thought he would at least be

good-looking.

DALE Excuse me? Is this the same Doctor James who thought it was more important to go jet-skiing on

Lake Elna than to sit with you through your sap-sucking TV show about ugly people having

plastic surgery?

DR. JAMES Have you ever watched those shows? They’re disgusting! Those people are hideous!

THUG They really are. I don’t know how anybody could watch that stuff.

David approaches Sheri.

DAVID Sheri. My boss is on a phone call right now. He’s distracted, so it would be a great time for you

to sign this and let me get out of here. What do you say?

SHERI I’m on the phone with the coroners office, right now dear. Let me just take care of this little thing

and we’ll get you taken care of next.

DAVID The coroners office? Did somebody die?

SHERI Yes. And I need them to come and pick up the body.

DAVID Where’s the body? In back?

SHERI No. He’s right there. Your boss is using him as a desk.

Cooper has placed a magazine on Chuck’s lap and is writing something down while he talks on the phone.

COOPER Okay. 722. Good. Okay, what’s the next one?

DAVID He’s dead?

SHERI Mmm-hhmm.

David is disgusted. Kelly is dealing with Thug at the other end of the counter.

KELLY Sheri. This man needs to make arrangements to pay his bill.

SHERI Him? He tried to rob us!

KELLY That’s because he doesn’t have any money.

SHERI We’re not charity workers here.

Dr. MORTON Hah! You got that right! Not all of us, anyway. Some people can afford billboards.

Cooper gets off the phone leaving magazines on Chuck’s lap. He summons Dale with a twitching finger.

COOPER Fout! Conference time.

Dale is stuck trying to win over Victoria.

DALE I’ll explain it in a minute, Victoria. Somebody had my phone.

VICTORIA That still doesn’t tell me who Dolores is!

DALE In a minute!

COOPER Fout!

Dale reluctantly leaves Dr. James and Victoria to talk to Cooper. They sit down next to Chuck.

DAVID (to Dr. James) That guy is really dead, isn’t he?

DR. JAMES Don’t look at me. I didn’t kill him.

Thug overhears this and looks at Dr. James.

THUG Oh - don’t even, man. That’s not fair.

DR. JAMES What? Not fair? You were trying to steal the body!

THUG But I didn’t!

VICTORIA You have a really weird job.

DR. JAMES But a really great pharmacy.

Victoria stares across the room at Dale.

DR. JAMES Are you staring at that guy? I thought you were over him.

VICTORIA I thought I was, too. He’s just so handsome. So manly. So virile.

DR. JAMES Him?

DAVID Dale Fout?

DR. JAMES I think you need an optometrist.

VICTORIA I’m sorry, James. I thought I could get him out of my mind. But now, I see what a truly beautiful

human being he is. So dashing. So strong.

Dale is terrified of losing his job.

DALE Oh, please! Mr. Cooper! You don’t understand. I couldn’t call anybody. I was trapped here! I

couldn’t get out! My car wouldn’t start!

Dale kneels down.

DALE You can’t fire me. You just can’t!

VICTORIA (to Dr. James) We should go back to just having sex on Tuesdays.

DAVID You do have a weird job.

DR. JAMES It’s all about the perks.

The Woman enters, without her kids, to give Dale a ride. This is DOLORES.

DOLORES Dale?

Dale turns and stands.

DALE Dolores.

VICTORIA Dolores? She’s Dolores?

THUG Dude! I know that voice! (to Victoria) You’re the lady who called him on his phone when I was

holding you guys hostage.

DALE (to Cooper) You see! You think I make this stuff up. There’s the idiot right there!

THUG Hey!

DR. JAMES (to Thug) Don’t fight this.

DOLORES (to Dale) Are you ready to go?

DALE Yes. Absolutely. Let’s get out of here.

Victoria steps into Dales path and blocks him.

VICTORIA Where do you think you’re going?

DOLORES Who’s she?

VICTORIA Who’s she?

DR. MORTON First jock itch, then the fout, now two jealous women? Glad I’m not him.

KELLY At least he has an insurance card.

THUG Hey.

KELLY I’m just saying. He’s prepared.

DR. MORTON Looks like he’s going to need it.

DOLORES Victoria? I know who you are! You’re the one that he rescued when you passed out drunk on the

hood of his car at the circus.

KELLY I thought it was the carnival.

DR. MORTON Sshhh! Don’t interrupt!

DAVID She was passed out?

DR. JAMES That does make more sense.

DALE Aaugh! Do I have to explain myself to everybody? Ladies - please -

DR. JAMES What do they see in him?

DAVID Got me.

VICTORIA Is she your wife?

THUG The plot thickens. Dude. You need to roll out of here like yesterday.

DALE Look - Dolores is my -

COOPER Hold it Fout!

DR. MORTON Good God, the man has a name. He shouldn’t call him by his disease.

COOPER You’re not going anywhere. I want to know exactly why you thought it was more important to

spend your day here than coming to work.

Ellen bolts into the doorway, wasted, her arm flailing about.

ELLEN (singing) Iiiiiiiiii’m coming over so you better get this party started!

Sheri hangs up the phone and interrupts her singing.

SHERI Ellen. Honey, no!

ELLEN (singing) I’m coming up! I’m coming up!

SHERI No. No, no, no, uh-uh! No!

Everything comes to a dead stop with Sheri standing right in front of Ellen stopping her from dancing. Ellen looks

very depressed and Sheri shakes her head and points to the door. They react to each other with expressions only.

ELLEN Are you sure? 

SHERI I’m sure. Sheri looks at the door. Ellen looks at the door. Sheri nods. Ellen steps back

and hangs her head briefly, then starts dancing again.

ELLEN (singing) Get this party started on a Saturday night! Everybody is waiting for me to arrive.

SHERI And you have! That’s it. I’m done. Finished. Just shoot me. (to Thug) Where’s your gun? Oh,

that’s right, the dog ate it. Same reason you didn’t pass fourth grade.

THUG Hey.

KELLY (to Thug) Don’t! Just let it go.

Sheri throws her clipboard on the floor and marches away behind the counter and sits at the desk. She broods.

COOPER (to Dale) Alright, now. Where were we?

Cooper huddles with Dale. They have an animated conversation. Victoria huddles with Dolores. They too have an

animated conversation. Dr. James and Kelly take Ellen aside and talk. Thug huddles with Dr. Morton and they

speak quietly. David goes over to Sheri with the contract.

DAVID Sheri?

SHERI Oh, God. Are you kidding? Don’t you ever give up?

DAVID Look, you promised. I’ll rip it up tonight. I swear.

David and Sheri continue in soft conversation. Dolores and Victoria get louder.

DOLORES Maybe if you weren’t such a creepy nut case, he would have stayed interested in you.

Dr. MORTON Ooooh!

THUG Ooooh!

VICTORIA Did you just call me creepy?

DOLORES Oh, you bet I did! Because I know all about you! Dale told me everything. When the circus

kicked you out of the sideshow, Dale was the one who rescued you. He paid to have all your body

armor removed from your piercings. Then you got yourself in pretty good shape, but did you treat

him with respect? No. I remember. I remember when you finally had those fifteen lip rings

removed and they pulled the barbed wire out of your eyebrows - guys started to look at you

different, but you didn’t think about Dale. No. You didn’t remember how Dale took you from

being a freak of nature - The Missing Chain-Link Woman - to becoming a human being people

could look at without puking. You just went ahead and started wearing make-up and normal

clothes and combing your hair and Dale, well, he was just convenient, good for a laugh here and

there and you just tossed him aside. Looked in the mirror one day and forgot how you got there.

Forgot all about Dale. You might have gone from ugly to beautiful but your heart went the other

way. You don’t deserve a man as respectable and dignified as him.

Dale grovels before Cooper.

DALE But, Mr. Cooper! You can’t fire me! I need this job! Can I at least work some overtime? I’ll

make it up on Saturday. Can I do that?

Cooper moves to center stage.

COOPER Forget it! If there’s one thing you’ve proved it’s that you don’t take this job seriously. If you did,

you would never have gotten jock itch in the first place.

THUG (to Dr. Morton) He is right.

A wobbly Ellen is steadied by Kelly and Dr. James.

KELLY Ellen, honey, why don’t you just sit down for a while.

They lead her over a few seats from Chuck.

ELLEN I don’t want to sit down. I want to party!

KELLY Ellen, the cake isn’t even here yet. Just wait a while.

DR. JAMES We could step out back in the alley. Did you bring any, you know?

ELLEN Aaugh! I knew I forgot something!

Kelly and Dr. James shrug in disappointment.

ELLEN Hey, what’s up with Chuck?

KELLY He’s dead. Remember?

ELLEN Oh, yeah. You know, he actually doesn’t look too bad for being dead.

Dr. James and Kelly leave Ellen in the chair and move towards center to hear the conversation.

COOPER Hayes! You got that contract signed yet?

DAVID Not yet, Mr. Cooper.

COOPER Well, what are you waiting for? The dead to rise from their graves? Let’s get a move on.

DOLORES (to Dale) So, are you ready to go, or what?

Victoria grabs Dale and hugs him, squeezing. Ellen stands up and starts playing with her good hand, waving and

watching it in front of her face.

VICTORIA Oh, Dale! Give me another chance. Please. I mean, I know you’re nailing this new chick, and

she’s not so hot, obviously, but she’s right. You are just so -

DOLORES Excuse me! Creepy nut case! I am his sister!

Dr. Morton shakes his head.

THUG Dude! Your sister? That’s just not right man.

Sheri moves out to the waiting area, ignoring David, who is right behind her.

DAVID Just one more minute Mr. Cooper. Sheri -

Sophia returns, holding the door for Nancy who has the huge sheet cake.

SHERI Well, look who’s here.

Sophia kisses Dr. Morton on the cheek.

SOPHIA Happy Birthday, Dr. Morton!

DR. MORTON Is that for me?

SHERI That’s a beautiful cake.

NANCY I’ve got four boxes of candles, so let me get them all set up and we’ll sing Happy Birthday.

DR. JAMES Eighty candles? You want to burn the place down?

KELLY What are we waiting for? (singing) Happy Birthday to you!

Kelly starts the song and everyone joins in.

EVERYONE Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday, Doctor Morton, Happy Birthday to you!

Victoria clutches Dale.

DALE Victoria, what are you talking about?

VICTORIA I’m talking about us. That’s why I called you today. I want us to be together.

DALE Really?

VICTORIA Really.

DALE I don’t have a job anymore.

VICTORIA I don’t care.

DALE You’re not going to see Dr. James anymore are you?

VICTORIA Well, he does crack my back on Thursdays.

DR. JAMES I am her family physician.

DALE Okay. Well, you do have to take care of your health.

COOPER Are we ready to go?

DAVID As soon as Sheri signs the contract. (to Sheri) Sheri, please!

SHERI David, I told you, when I’m good and ready.

CHUCK (coughs)

Chuck comes back to life and scares Ellen who screams and spins around and hits the sheet cake with her broken

arm, smashing it all over Mr. Cooper.

ELLEN Aaaaaah!

Everyone is amazed as Chuck stands up.

KELLY Chuck! How are you feeling?

CHUCK Better. I think I pooped.

SHERI Okay! Now I’m ready.

Sheri signs the contract.

SHERI Nothing like the icing on a cake, is there?

THE END

Drs. Rx Us CAST

DALE 30-40’s Business man, Clean Cut, suit

KELLY 30’s Nurse

NANCY 50’s Nurse

SHERI 40’s Nurse, Owner of Clinic

CHUCK 50’s + Old Man, Scruffy, Shabbily dressed

DR. JAMES 30-40’s Clean Cut Doctor, Tall

DAVID 20’s-30’s Salesman, Clean Cut, Friendly

DR. MORTON 80th Birthday, Small and Cynical man

SOPHIA 30’s Nail Tech from next door

VICTORIA 30’s Sexy woman, dressed s****y

MAN WITH CAST 50’s + Bearded, Shabby

ELLEN 20’s-40’s Oddball, laid back.

THUG 20’s Stupid, thinks he’s a gangster.

WOMAN / DOLORES 30’s Dale’s sister, Mother of 2 boys

2 BOYS Ages 8 and 12

COOPER 40’s Dale and Davids’ Boss - Tough Guy, Corporate

Author's Note

Unpublished. Seeking a theater or director who would like to produce. All offers considered.

Reviews

[Mike Rembis]

Nobody will read this. Nobody.