The Final Jab

Sorry about the one big paragraph.

                        This morning was the first day I woke up broken hearted in a very long time. Not only was I broken hearted, but also was having to face the turn of love to hate which is an undeniable burden to anyone let alone a man blinded in love. I got up feeling heavier than ever and also sore which at the time I managed to convince myself it was because of my broken heart. Slowly I made my way across my small apartment to the cereal cabinet took out the cheerios, a bowl, a spoon, and then went and got the milk. I sat down and started to eat. Even sitting down was a relief from the weight I felt. As I ate I thought about the previous night picking up some Chinese food for myself at the new restaurant that just opened. I was opening the door when I saw my girlfriend kissing another man on the lips. I stopped and examined the scene making sure I was seeing right. There she was all dolled up kissing what looked to be a perverted gym teacher with saggy eyes and short shorts that squeezed up against him. I watched and kept watching until she started for the door. I dropped the open door and walked swiftly to my car. Once I was inside and started driving I cried and swore at my fucked luck. My mind came back to the Cheerio box.  I read the box to keep my mind from going any further until it slipped from its concentration back to the weight and pain, I cried out and knocked the box from the table. I should have done something, I thought when suddenly and furiously my mind went back to last night. I was driving the car tears streaming down my face and my hands gripped tightly on the steering wheel when the idea came to me. I’ll wait outside her house to see if the child molesting gym teacher goes to her house. I drove to her house and waited. She pulled into her driveway got out and walked in through the front door. Two hours passed and no one else came I was ready to go home until yet another idea came to me. I’ll ring the bell and tell her that we are over, not give her a reason just let it be done. I got out of my car went to the door and tried the handle which was conveniently open. “Ah huh, I knew the little w***e wanted a c**k for desert. Stupid b***h thinking she could play me and get away with it. I’ll show her what you can get away with around here.” (This was the first time the thought of killing her came to me.) The thought terrified me, but yet filled me with a pride for myself that is utterly impossible to explain in words. This feeling continued as I walked through her disgustingly beautiful house.  I heard her noises coming from upstairs. I walked through the kitchen to the stairs, when again the most convenient thing happened. I realized there was a knife on the table. A beautiful steak knife just begging to be held and used, I went over and picked it up. And let me say never have I felt so much unity with an object. On second thought I don’t think I ever felt such unity with anything in my entire life. I walked up the stairs slowly. I could feel my thoughts and reason shrinking smaller and smaller. The hate in my heart was fueling the rest of my body making every part of me throb. Emotion ate through any sanity I had left in me. I stopped outside the closed door of her bedroom where we shared only one incredible night, which seemed so pathetic and stupid. The only thing I could do was stare at the door and shake with unbearable intensity. Suddenly she opened the door and made me jump. I would have dropped the knife, but it was glued into my hand as if the two had become one. She screamed at a far away distance and a voice deep inside my head beckoned me to finish the deed I had sought to do. Gradually, almost as if slow motion, I raised the knife… Back to real time, I lay on the floor recalling the events that lead up to the final jab, I watched as the carpet turned to the white spongy floor of the room in which I now lay shaking. “Jab a jab a jab a jab a jab.” I repeated under my breath as I watched again and again the events unfold leading up to the final jab.

Author's Note

Please tell me what you thought. Ignore that its just one big paragraph.

Reviews

[Rawhide]

It's a good story, but the wording needs some work.

I think that describing the other guy as a gym teacher was a good metaphor to make, but later referring to him as a "child molester" was not good. If he is a child molester, then the main character must in turn be a child molester as well. Right there, you lost any sympathy for the character that the reader may have felt.

When you said, "I stopped outside the closed door of her bedroom where we shared only one incredible night, which seemed so pathetic and stupid," it makes the character seem kind of pathetic. He's already talked about being heart-broken and blinded by love. All of this after only one night????

When you said, "I heard her noises coming from upstairs," what noises did you her? Was she flatulent? Was she whistling?

This part is entirely too much detail on a bowl of cereal that is completely insignificant to the story: "Slowly I made my way across my small apartment to the cereal cabinet took out the cheerios, a bowl, a spoon, and then went and got the milk. I sat down and started to eat."

When you said, "The hate in my heart was feeding on the rest of my body," the line is opposite of what I think you were trying to convey. If something is feeding on your body, it makes you weak. I think you wanted to convey that your hate was instead feuling your body or controlling your body.

What would make a steak knife beautiful? I can't imagine the possibility that I would see a beautiful steak knife. I think that you meant to say that your hate and desire for revenge made the steak knife beautiful to your eyes right at that particular moment, but that did not come across at all.

When you said, "The only thing I could do was stare at the door and shake with unbearable intensity," it sounds like you are shaking the door. The needs rewording to be clear to the reader. Something like, "I stood there trembling intensely and staring at the door. I found myself unable to reach out and turn the knob."

I'm certainly not against profanity or "dirty words" in stories, but I foudn the use of them in this story to be distracting from the story. They didn't fit.

I hope this doesn't seem overly critical. I feel like I could go on and write pages about how almost every sentence is worded awkwardly. I think it is a very good story that needs a little revising.

And for what it is worth, I've been just as critical about my own work. There have been stories of my own that when I reread them at a later date made me wonder what state of mind I was in at the time I wrote them.

[~angelalala~]

this is an interesting story. dark & unapologetic. i like the insanity, the darkness this character you've created seems to have. i would love to know more about him, as a suggestion if you ever feel like expanding this. overall, a very good story, about betrayal, murder, insanity.

[Mindless Mindset]

OMG! I loved it! It gave me chills as I was waiting for that final blow. Wonderful piece! Suspenseful and deep. I really felt like I were you for a moment. Amazingly good! ^^