Life Was Good

A Story by Mike Munkvold

A waiter gets sweet revenge on his ex-boyfriend in the middle of a topless sushi restaurant.

Alberto did a line in the men's room of Takashimi's Topless Sushi Bar and Grill before going back to work. Ted was sitting at the bar with his wife - the nerve! - and waiting for his check. He would pay, all right; Little Mister Married would pay dearly for breaking his heart without so much as an explanation.

Alberto wiped the telltale trail of powdered courage from his nostril, breathed deep, and went to the kitchen. He went to Sam, the head waiter, and told him he had been fired. Just as Alberto had anticipated, Sam was so angry that he left the check, giving Alberto the chance to tear it up and make out another one detailing just what Ted owed.

This was it. Alberto straightened his tie, smoothed his hair, and went out to face the enemy.

Tonya was working tonight; she lay on the bar and stared up at the ceiling as Ted picked California rolls off her breasts, making a show of gazing at their glory just as his wife looked at him.

Alberto had to stifle a snort of disgust. Who did Ted think he was fooling? He couldn't have been more obvious, with the prim, almost fussy way he held his chopsticks, the delicacy with which he folded his napkin. He may as well have had the words "closet case" tattooed on his forehead.

Still, Alberto had to admit that night he and Ted met had been magical - the way Ted had ignored the other guys at the YMCA swim meet and went to to talk to him, only him, made him feel like the prettiest girl at the dance. The secret meetings in Ted's car when his wife was asleep had all the danger and passion that makes a real romance. Best of all, Ted had made him feel needed - even though he had heard it before, too many times, Alberto believed him when he said he was going to leave his wife.

Why, oh why, did he always fall for the married ones?

Alberto felt himself starting to weaken, and stiffened his resolve with the Adderal he had tucked in his sleeve for just such an emergency. The sudden rush of pure adrenaline put him back on track - he was once more sure that his wrath was justified, and sure that his vengeance would be swift.

Alberto walked through the sea of skin and sashimi, eyes fixed on Ted’s table like a homing beacon. Ted was clumsily dipping the rolls in the small plate of soy sauce resting uncertainly on Tonya’s flat stomach when he saw Alberto. Ted froze, imitation crab dribbling out of the side of his mouth.

Alberto’s heart quickened and he felt a little dizzy; his adrenaline was peaking too high, and he would definitely need a Seconal to balance himself out. But the look on Ted’s face was worth it. He was trapped, and he gripped the table cloth as if it was the only stable thing left in the world.

“Your bill, sir,” Alberto smiled, and handed him the check. Ted took one look at it, and the angry red vein bulging across his forehead told Alberto it had the desired effect.

“$50,000?” he strained to whisper,. “Are you out of your goddamn mind, Alberto?”

“You know him?” the wife asked. She was more or less what Alberto had expected; just attractive enough to allay suspicion, but not pretty enough to complicate the situation with feelings. As Ted and Alberto locked eyes, Ted seemed to forget she existed - something the poor thing was probably used to by now.

"Ted?" she said in a broken voice, already starting to get the picture.

Ted blanched. “Huh? Oh! He… catered the Christmas party. He said he’d do our pool.”

Alberto smiled with pure venom as he turned to the wife. "Oh, we've met. Your husband is a generous man"

The wife looked confused for a minute, and then sighed as she got the picture. “Oh, Ted. Again? And on our anniversary?” She didn’t sound angry, or even embarrassed. Just tired.

Ted actually turned purple. “Elizabeth, we’ll talk about this later.”

“Would you like a doggie bag, sir?” Tonya said.

“Ted, just pay him,” Elizabeth said, looking at the floor. “You’ll make it up in three months.”

“It’s just that it’s cold in here, and my back hurts a little,” Tonya said.

“You… you little b*****d,” Ted fumed “You little tease…”

“Sir, please watch your language,” Alberto said with the smile he had practiced in the mirror all morning. “As the premier topless sushi restaurant in the greater Palo Alto area, we reserve the right to refuse service to anyone."

Ted was just staring at him now, enraged and bewildered.

"Now, sir, you can pay by cash, card or check," Alberto said. "Unless of course this is a business dinner - then we can just bill it to your employer." That, Alberto thought, was an especially nice touch - Ted did not need the good old boys at Howard, Johnson and Fine hearing about this.

"I…this is outrageous," Ted fumed.

"Ted, people are staring," Elizabeth murmured as she sank into her chair. "Just pay him."

"But…" Even as this grumble of indignation left Ted's lips, his shoulders began to sag; it was a defeated man who took a platinum card out of his wallet and handed it over to the last lover he would ever scorn.

And now, Alberto thought, the final touch. "A 10 percent gratuity is customary and appreciated," he smiled. "Please don’t forget to tip Tonya.”

“Thanks, Al,” Tonya smiled.

“Don’t mention it, sweetie,” Alberto smiled back.

Ted signed the credit card slip. He took one last glance at Ted, No, it was something else behind the impotent, humiliated rage on Ted’s face; it was panic, the look of a man who had seen the last exit door slam in his face. Alberto almost felt sorry for him…almost.

He strolled past old man Henderson as he fired him and banned him from the building.

Alberto had expected that, but he didn’t care. As long as he could stay long enough to hit the bathroom to pound those pills, and maybe another line for the road, then life was good.